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Struggling to find the truth


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 17th July 2017, 11:03 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by rumblefish12 View Post
What I found too is that upon some occurrence (or this last time around, absolutely no occurrence) that precedes NC, it is easy to be glad they are gone and how toxic the relationship was. Then .... a few weeks down the line .... it gets more difficult to remember the bad feelings. You remember all the good things. I think that's part of the subtlety of the addiction and brain chemistry dependence. So my last contact was June 11 and I know in my rational mind that this will get better. It's just interesting to see how my perspective changed from day 1. I say that only so that you'll be prepared if you have not gone through this before. Some of us dozens of times. LOL.
Totally agree with this. The anger and hurt subside and you might think that it's safe to go back at this point and attempt friendship. This is the most dangerous time, I've found. I'm almost a month out too.
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Old 17th July 2017, 2:31 PM   #32
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Hi Scout: Yes, dozens of times, I'm sorry to say. So this was ongoing over the course of 4+ years. Both married. Both struggling with it -- wanting more, wanting out, push/pull, love/hate. And at various times we both broke it off; we actually kept a tally of who had outpaced whom in the break-up department. Then we both lost count.

Remember that they are waves. The hard parts will pass. The longer you go, the more clarity you'll get. In my case, I know I'm not safe for a very long time in NC. If you read back over any of my history, we had one NC that was 8 months. You'll get over the hump, as will I. That's our only choice really. And, there are lots of success stories on here about the freedom and perspective you gain once you get there. Hang on.
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Old 17th July 2017, 2:35 PM   #33
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Hi Jah -- I agree with you completely. Dangerous waters. I don't think you can ever be just friends. But, your mind will play all kinds of tricks on you. Telling you what you want to hear . . . to feel that feeling again. It's a trap. A siren song. If your A hasn't caused disaster in your life, it surely will if you go back. I know a month out it starts to get really hard. I'm there too, about 6 weeks. Keep reading here. Keep posting here. We can do this.
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Old 17th July 2017, 2:39 PM   #34
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This might help Trauma Therapy Articles: Descilo: Understanding and Treating Traumatic Bonds

The use of DARVO re-enforces the taumatic bond the narcissist makes the other persons life a living hell. What is DARVO?

You just need to say NO and walk walk away using the 180. Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce. The irony of course is that this course of action is exactly what BS are urged to do to WS to save their sanity.

The other tool is exposure, again a tool we urge BS to use. Nothing kills adultery/affair quicker then to do so by providing the information so destructive to you.

Last edited by Jersey born raised; 17th July 2017 at 2:45 PM..
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Old 17th July 2017, 4:28 PM   #35
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You are not safe with no contact or with contact? We "broke up" three times in two years. I guess this time around would be the 4th. He texted me while on vacation. Before he left he said he'd be in Europe for four weeks and to think of him often. Then two weeks ago he texted me to say he wanted to continue to have a good relationship with me, but he wouldn't be able to put in a tremendous amount of time into it but he wanted to have coffee the next time he was in my city. (We live on opposite coasts). I assume this was his polite way of breaking up with me without saying so.

I totally get the push/pull, love/hate thing. I was doing pretty well, but hit the two week mark in NC so am experiencing a bit of what you mentioned. I did a stupid thing and looked back at old texts and I'm just shaking my head how his feelings could have turned so quickly. Thanks for listening!

Last edited by Scoutjr; 17th July 2017 at 4:45 PM.. Reason: Typo
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Old 17th July 2017, 5:30 PM   #36
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I think he is saying he is happy to see you for sex if he has time when he visits your city.

Poppy
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Old 17th July 2017, 6:11 PM   #37
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I think he is saying he is happy to see you for sex if he has time when he visits your city.

Poppy
Ugh. What a loser.
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Old 17th July 2017, 6:12 PM   #38
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I agree with Poppy. Scout, he is keeping the door open. That's pretty common. I've done that, I'm sorry to say.
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Old 17th July 2017, 8:00 PM   #39
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Rumble fish - You did that with the OW you just broke with or another one?

And the ironic thing about this is that it just started out as a hook up I'm ashamed to say, and then he started professing feelings and saying odd things.
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Old 18th July 2017, 9:47 AM   #40
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Rumble fish - You did that with the OW you just broke with or another one?

And the ironic thing about this is that it just started out as a hook up I'm ashamed to say, and then he started professing feelings and saying odd things.
Scout -- the AP that I'm now 6 weeks into NC with. I left doors open at various times. She did the same thing. I'd say things like, "If you ever need anything, call me." which I do care about her very much and I meant that. But sure there was a part of me that thought it keeps a possibility out there. She would do the same thing. She would say if I ever get divorced or she dies, that I should call her. That one makes me a little nervous actually. But things like calling on birthdays or holidays, or I one time she had a premonition and wanted to make sure I was okay, etc. There's always a subtext, at least until there is really the resolve that it is over. Obviously I hadn't reached that point because I went back over and over, as did she. I've said it before, but this time does feel different. You can only go back so many times anyway, before the relationship is so distorted, that it's not what you idealized in your mind anyway.... let alone the thousands of other reasons to not go there.
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Old 18th July 2017, 9:50 AM   #41
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Do you ever wish you never met AP?

I know I've been posting a lot, but having a hard time today (as rumble fish predicted!). I'm not so much remembering the good times, but the pain MM has caused me and his seemingly indifferent attitude to me despite claims to the contrary. Makes me think he was just a liar and I wish I had never met him. Do you ever feel that way?
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Old 18th July 2017, 9:57 AM   #42
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Absolutely! There were a lot of good times. But so much anguish too. And even the good times were so selfish.

Scout -- you're going to be okay. You'll get through this. And, believe it or not, you'll be so much stronger because of it.
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Old 18th July 2017, 10:42 AM   #43
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Why did keep going back, rumble fish?
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Old 18th July 2017, 10:43 AM   #44
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I wish I'd married him to begin with and things had never gotten into this mess. I'm responsible for almost every step in this crashing disaster.
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Old 18th July 2017, 11:11 AM   #45
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Everyday of my life I wish I had never met him... but mostly I wish I had been a better person and reacted differently.

If I had made better choices maybe meeting him would have been irrelevant. It's my fault... because I was the one who made the wrong choice
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