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Struggling to find the truth


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 11th July 2017, 9:31 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by jenkins95 View Post
Yes, this pretty much sums up how I felt as an MM in an affair. I definitely had feelings, but I always knew somewhere in the back of my mind that the A would have to end one day, so I tried to keep my feelings in check (but they still developed).

I once read an analogy that I think fits pretty well with most affairs - the feelings are like those we experience when watching a film in a cinema. They are real, but the context in which we feel them is not real - it is usually played out in a secretive 'bubble' enabled by lies and cheating. Due to this shared secret and the limited time APs get to be together, the limerence phase can last a lot longer than in normal relationships and feelings can be very intense. Later with reflection, we can look back and see it for what it was - but that doesn't mean the feelings were not real.

Thank you rumblefish and Jenkins. This really helps a lot. I think I just need to forget him. Part of me is a little jealous because he is highly regarded in his field and he gets to just go on with his life as if nothing happened and I'm stuck.
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Old 11th July 2017, 9:49 PM   #17
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I wanted to reply to all to say thank you. I never heard of limererance before, so I looked it up and seems like that is what was going on.
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Old 12th July 2017, 10:36 AM   #18
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Limerance

I posted a few days ago about "struggling to understand" and some posters responded (thank you) and mentioned the term "limerence." I had never heard the term before. I looked it up, and it sounds exactly like what was happening to me. For two years I've been struggling, and for some reason, reading about limerence really helped me understand and has given me a bit of relief. I just wanted to say thank you to those who mentioned this to me. I really appreciate it.
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Old 12th July 2017, 11:16 AM   #19
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The concept of limerance really helped me. It's a beast. Hang in there. It will pass in time.
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Old 12th July 2017, 11:53 AM   #20
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The concept of limerance really helped me. It's a beast. Hang in there. It will pass in time.

Thank you so much rumble fish, it was truly a light bulb moment for me.
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Old 12th July 2017, 12:41 PM   #21
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You may also want to look up the term "intermittent reinforcement." If your xAP is anything like my xMW, this could also be really helpful.
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Old 12th July 2017, 1:14 PM   #22
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You may also want to look up the term "intermittent reinforcement." If your xAP is anything like my xMW, this could also be really helpful.
The two are a deadly combination and really the nuts and bolts for affairs....I want this person to want me, and I will tell this person what they need to hear to get what I want from them. All equal a dysfunctional toxic mess that takes a long time to see it for what it is.
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Old 12th July 2017, 1:21 PM   #23
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The two are a deadly combination and really the nuts and bolts for affairs....I want this person to want me, and I will tell this person what they need to hear to get what I want from them. All equal a dysfunctional toxic mess that takes a long time to see it for what it is.
Oh my god! That is exactly how I felt!! It was all about him and making him feel good. Makes me wonder if that is the only reason he really is liked me (or said he loved me).

Last edited by Scoutjr; 12th July 2017 at 1:22 PM.. Reason: Added a missing word
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Old 12th July 2017, 1:57 PM   #24
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That's the rub, isn't it? When you step back and realize how much of it was on their terms and about their needs. If you'd seen a friend in the exact situation you were in, you'd have told her to run, right? And in the end, you're left wondering how much (if any) of it was real, and how much of it was just about them getting a nice ego boost for as long as they could and then cutting and running the minute you indicated you needed to get something out of it, too.
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Old 12th July 2017, 2:02 PM   #25
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OP, IME once one has sorted the psychology, it's actually kinda fun. Why? Because it's like a faucet. Turn on, turn off. It's within one's control. However, in the waning years of life I do have a bit of nostalgia for the years when I believed in all that love and limerance stuff as an elemental state of being. It's like looking at old pictures and reminiscing. Kinda fun, maybe a bit sad. Anyway, hopefully processing the psychology helped you. Good luck!
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Old 12th July 2017, 2:28 PM   #26
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I would like to add rejection too. Everyone is affected by rejection in one way or another, In affairs the person is being rejected in so many different ways on a constant medium. The final rejection is the big bang.

The normal reaction to rejection is hurt and the questions begin as to why am I not good enough for this person. When breadcrumbs and validation is fed and some hope is given, the individual feels there is a bonding and a chance.

This constant rejection is so unhealthy for the soul. It can erode self esteem and change a person until they find their way through the fog. This aha moment is breath taking!

Last edited by ClassyTaste; 12th July 2017 at 2:34 PM..
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Old 12th July 2017, 3:09 PM   #27
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That's the rub, isn't it? When you step back and realize how much of it was on their terms and about their needs. If you'd seen a friend in the exact situation you were in, you'd have told her to run, right? And in the end, you're left wondering how much (if any) of it was real, and how much of it was just about them getting a nice ego boost for as long as they could and then cutting and running the minute you indicated you needed to get something out of it, too.
Makes me wonder about his wife, if the relationship is just on his terms with her, too. Maybe he is just a bad person and I idealized him. He's very well respected at his job and in his industry (met him through my job, but I don't work at the company anymore).

Last edited by Scoutjr; 12th July 2017 at 3:13 PM.. Reason: Changed my thought
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Old 13th July 2017, 7:08 AM   #28
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My limerance ended Sunday and I am now left feeling OMG what was I thinking/doing to myself? It was all about him and his needs and wants and feelings and I allowed this to go on and off for TWO years!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand how you feel and I want you to know that you are not alone in this at all!
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Old 13th July 2017, 2:54 PM   #29
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What I found too is that upon some occurrence (or this last time around, absolutely no occurrence) that precedes NC, it is easy to be glad they are gone and how toxic the relationship was. Then .... a few weeks down the line .... it gets more difficult to remember the bad feelings. You remember all the good things. I think that's part of the subtlety of the addiction and brain chemistry dependence. So my last contact was June 11 and I know in my rational mind that this will get better. It's just interesting to see how my perspective changed from day 1. I say that only so that you'll be prepared if you have not gone through this before. Some of us dozens of times. LOL.

Last edited by rumblefish12; 13th July 2017 at 5:14 PM..
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Old 17th July 2017, 10:20 AM   #30
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What I found too is that upon some occurrence (or this last time around, absolutely no occurrence) that precedes NC, it is easy to be glad they are gone and how toxic the relationship was. Then .... a few weeks down the line .... it gets more difficult to remember the bad feelings. You remember all the good things. I think that's part of the subtlety of the addiction and brain chemistry dependence. So my last contact was June 11 and I know in my rational mind that this will get better. It's just interesting to see how my perspective changed from day 1. I say that only so that you'll be prepared if you have not gone through this before. Some of us dozens of times. LOL.
Thank you for the insight, Rumblefish. It definitely comes in waves. Sometimes I miss him, but then other times I'm angry that he used me.

What did you mean by dozens of times? Did you break up with your AP several times?
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