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Struggling to find the truth


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 8th July 2017, 6:04 PM   #1
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Struggling to find the truth

I am an MW and also an OW. I had an on-again-off-again affair for two years with a MM. It was long distance, we texted a lot (some of them racy) and saw each maybe 10 times in person. The thing is, I still really don't know him. I can't decide if he truly did care about me or was just an ego boost (I certainly know the is some truth to the latter because it was for me). Any MMs on who had affairs? Did you really care for the person or was it something else? TO this day I don't really know if I meant anything to him at all (even though he said so).
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Old 8th July 2017, 7:42 PM   #2
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TO this day I don't really know if I meant anything to him at all (even though he said so).
Why aren't believing him when he said he did?

Each of you got something out of it, an ego feed/boost and enjoyed the flirting. Are you hoping he has deeper feelings? What is it that you're looking for by having an on/off affair with him? I take it you've fallen for him and possibly hoping you two will end your marriages and be together?

You both are married and are playing with fire...

Last edited by whichwayisup; 8th July 2017 at 7:44 PM..
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Old 8th July 2017, 10:03 PM   #3
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I don't trust anyone really.
And I think he is a player. Some of the things he said seem to be too good to be true.

No, I don't; think I would be with him, so what am I doing? I can't seem to let go.
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Old 8th July 2017, 11:41 PM   #4
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What's your relationship like with your husband? What's going on in your marriage that's making you unhappy? Can you talk to him about it and maybe go to marriage counseling? Choosing to cheat isn't going to fix anything and probably as you know, it's just complicated your life more having an A with a MM.
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Old 9th July 2017, 2:33 PM   #5
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What's your relationship like with your husband? What's going on in your marriage that's making you unhappy? Can you talk to him about it and maybe go to marriage counseling? Choosing to cheat isn't going to fix anything and probably as you know, it's just complicated your life more having an A with a MM.

I'm pretty much in a sexless marriage. When I met the OM/MM it was at a business event. Never in a million years thought this would be me. We wound up hooking up. I felt attractive and desired for the first time in years. I have tried to talk to DH about us, but he doesn't think anything is wrong. I've been in therapy for almost two years at this point, trying to figure out what to do. My husband is a good man and an amazing father, but I feel so lonely in my marriage. I guess that is why I fell hard for this guy.
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Old 9th July 2017, 2:55 PM   #6
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So your A ended. It doesn't seem like you guys were really close. What you meant to him? Nobody can tell but him. Ask him. How and why did it end? You rarely met in those two years, so I don't think it was anything serious on his end. It was something convenient, with a little bit of texting/sexting, and meeting 10 times. That's not a relationship, that's not even a full blown A. It sounds like he couldn't care less whether it continues or not. And i mean that in the most respectful way possible. He gave no gifts, made no big efforts. I don't think you meant much to him. Sorry to be harsh, but there are affairs, and then there are affairs. Yours doesn't sound like a very close A.
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Old 9th July 2017, 3:04 PM   #7
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You described my A to a T, OP. I'm MW and also OW, though he was single at the time of the A. He is now with his girlfriend, living together.
It wasn't long distance, rather he lives down the road, but we saw each other sexually about a total of 15 times in the last 2 years of our on/off again.

There was some phone calls and texting a lot but nothing of substance.
He told me that he would break his phone first before he let his gf see it, which tells me he is not just about me.
He is rude and disrespectful and I feel like he cares less about the situationship being over whereas I'm in a state of mind , not able to move on, crying etc. He sees me and shrugs it off like whatever.
WHY am I not able to move on, also like you I want to feel like I meant more, but we didn't girl.
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Old 9th July 2017, 3:20 PM   #8
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I was in a similar relationship, just that last I saw him was 20yrs ago.. we had an intense texting thing... He started out so sweet that I fell, over and over again... I got hooked to him.

I dont know anything about if he loved me or not or he was just grooming me for something else. When I see it now, I showed a lot of emotions and care towards him. He did too but only a fraction of what I did.

Its over. Now I dont care what it was on his side. If left like this for another 4-5 months, even if I found out that he truly loved me, I would take it as a note. Because the feelings from my side for him are fading.
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Old 9th July 2017, 7:22 PM   #9
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when any relationship is kept secret it gets locked into a romantic/limerence stage indefinately.

An affair is the same way, except when a married man chooses an affiar partner, it is someone he sees as disposable in the long run.

A man will never be apart from the woman he loves/
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Old 9th July 2017, 9:18 PM   #10
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20 years??
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Old 10th July 2017, 9:03 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Scoutjr View Post
I am an MW and also an OW. I had an on-again-off-again affair for two years with a MM. It was long distance, we texted a lot (some of them racy) and saw each maybe 10 times in person. The thing is, I still really don't know him. I can't decide if he truly did care about me or was just an ego boost (I certainly know the is some truth to the latter because it was for me). Any MMs on who had affairs? Did you really care for the person or was it something else? TO this day I don't really know if I meant anything to him at all (even though he said so).
As a MM, my OW was also a MW, but I definitely really cared and felt it and meant what I said. HOWEVER, looking back, I'm not sure there was any way I could have really known her. That's the whole limerance thing. It may feel like something that it was not. So I don't think it is always a matter of the MM either being a lying scum or married to the wrong woman. It may be that all parties are blind under the circumstances. I'm not excusing it, just pointing out that "real" is a relative term when it comes to feelings. They certainly felt real, but in the context of an idealized relationship, they probably were not. I think that's why so many A's fail when they become real relationships. They often break under the stress of daily life.
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Old 10th July 2017, 10:36 AM   #12
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My xMM had a previous OW before me. She was long distance, so they saw each other every couple of months for an overnight. He 'told' me that it was basically a sexual arrangement on his side of things. It was convenient. It was "easy", he said. He could go there under the guise of business and not worry about getting caught.

He told me very specifically that he did not love her, and seemed almost ashamed when he said it. He sort of shrugged. I assume that she DID have feelings for him, considering this went on for several years.

He said that he was a jerk to her. That he would go MIA for months at a time. I assume he sweet-talked her enough to keep her engaged.

It made me pretty ill because I know he pulled some of the same tricks on me, though he said we were different and he was in love with me. (Our relationship was in town, very close, saw each other all the time...it was literally different even if not emotionally for him, which I can't prove).

It's hard to know how your MM felt. I'm sure even my xMM felt 'good' at the time his A started with his xOW. But I am also certain he used it primarily to get regular sex and make himself feel good, if even for a moment. I am certain it was quite shallow. And who knows if we were 'different', as he said.
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Old 10th July 2017, 10:55 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by rumblefish12 View Post
As a MM, my OW was also a MW, but I definitely really cared and felt it and meant what I said. HOWEVER, looking back, I'm not sure there was any way I could have really known her. That's the whole limerance thing. It may feel like something that it was not. So I don't think it is always a matter of the MM either being a lying scum or married to the wrong woman. It may be that all parties are blind under the circumstances. I'm not excusing it, just pointing out that "real" is a relative term when it comes to feelings. They certainly felt real, but in the context of an idealized relationship, they probably were not. I think that's why so many A's fail when they become real relationships. They often break under the stress of daily life.
Yes, this pretty much sums up how I felt as an MM in an affair. I definitely had feelings, but I always knew somewhere in the back of my mind that the A would have to end one day, so I tried to keep my feelings in check (but they still developed).

I once read an analogy that I think fits pretty well with most affairs - the feelings are like those we experience when watching a film in a cinema. They are real, but the context in which we feel them is not real - it is usually played out in a secretive 'bubble' enabled by lies and cheating. Due to this shared secret and the limited time APs get to be together, the limerence phase can last a lot longer than in normal relationships and feelings can be very intense. Later with reflection, we can look back and see it for what it was - but that doesn't mean the feelings were not real.
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Old 10th July 2017, 11:03 AM   #14
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I'm pretty much in a sexless marriage. When I met the OM/MM it was at a business event. Never in a million years thought this would be me. We wound up hooking up. I felt attractive and desired for the first time in years. I have tried to talk to DH about us, but he doesn't think anything is wrong. I've been in therapy for almost two years at this point, trying to figure out what to do. My husband is a good man and an amazing father, but I feel so lonely in my marriage. I guess that is why I fell hard for this guy.
Reading this gives me hope for you as an ex-wayward myself. My marriage had become quite mundane and sex was a routine and fairly vanilla event - like a tick in a box once a week or so. We also became so wrapped up in other aspects of life that we emotionally drited apart too...I was very vulnerable to infidelity. After the horrors of me having an affair, we are both putting in so much more effort now and it is paying dividends. As he is "a good man and an amazing father", I really feel that it is worth putting the effort in before giving up. Your children will thank you for it too.

I also feel that it is highly likely that your MM had feelings for you, but that, like me, he couldn't or wouldn't leave his family. Is the A over now scoutjr? Or is it still "on-off"? When it comes to the end of an A, men seem to find it easier to make the final break, especially if there has been a D-day and or when they see the very real possibility of their family being blown up right in front of their eyes. Often they break down and just run. But that doesn't mean they don't for their AP care and they often suffer for a long time afterwards.

Last edited by jenkins95; 10th July 2017 at 11:10 AM..
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Old 10th July 2017, 11:22 AM   #15
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20 years??
I think this q was for me..

Yes 20yrs, when we were 16 yrs old...3 yrs back one of the school guys started a reuinion group online and it all started there. We live in different countries so I havnt seen him in person since then. It was an EA.

It made me belive that there is something like destiny... I mean I couldnt care less about this guy when in school and now 20yrs later I am whining here about him..

Sometimes lifes strange ..
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