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For those of you that have been through NC, what has helped you to move forward?

 

MM and I ended it last week and it is painful. I have moments where I want to break down and cry because I miss him and want to talk to him (like today). Although I ended it, I feel like I didn't do it for me. I did it because I didn't want to hurt my family or his anymore, and I didn't want him to hurt anymore either. That makes it hard too.

 

I'd love to hear how other people have been able to walk through this, especially the first few weeks. What can I expect? What has been helpful?

 

Thanks in advance.

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For those of you that have been through NC, what has helped you to move forward?

 

MM and I ended it last week and it is painful. I have moments where I want to break down and cry because I miss him and want to talk to him (like today). Although I ended it, I feel like I didn't do it for me. I did it because I didn't want to hurt my family or his anymore, and I didn't want him to hurt anymore either. That makes it hard too.

 

I'd love to hear how other people have been able to walk through this, especially the first few weeks. What can I expect? What has been helpful?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

In my experience, what you can expect is good days where you don't dwell on NC much juxtaposed with days where you miss the other person more than anything. It does get better, and slightly easier, day by day.

 

Personally, I keep up my "routine" of working out strenuously 5-6 days a week. It just makes you feel good overall! I also spend a fair amount of time with friends and family aside from having my kids. While not for everyone, in my case, I started dating legitimately single women being that I've been single for a long time. Some will say "too soon" and "need to grieve" but to each his or her own as they say. I find it refreshing and enjoyable to meet and interact with women who are available and can offer more than just "breadcrumbs."

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I just think that everyday I don't talk to him the wounds heal a little bit more. Any contact I make with him would just put me back at day 1 where I ended it. I don't want to hurt anymore or go around and around with him in the same argument.

 

I also am not prepared for the consequences if it came to light. So I ride the NC train and even though I'm tempted to get off it sometimes, I think about how hard the landing will be and I keep my course.

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It could really help you by focusing on the futility of it all.

 

Most things you get something out of them even if it's only a lesson learned. Remind yourself how short life is and how the affair was a waste of time that can not be got back. If you contact then the boost is short lived and it's back to square one like a nightmare ground hog day.

 

Also one other thing - women tend to be the ones who pine and become inactive. Men may pine but they don't stagnate. Get out, do more. Then you can start sorting yourself out.

 

I found no contact easy. Put simply it requires nothing of you but your silence

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Southern Sun

I love what OWAmy said, but I admit I did not find NC easy.

 

When you are tempted, focusing on the "futility" is a great idea. What a perfect descriptive word. Think through what contacting him would achieve. Literally think it through to the end. If I reach out, what will I say? What do I want to happen? What is likely to happen? Will it be any different than before? Will I just end up in the same old spot?

 

Because, yes, you will end up in the same old spot...the one you just worked so hard to get out of. And you will find yourself in a matter of days or weeks having to get out of it all over again...because nothing will have changed.

 

In addition, you will have put yourself in a position again to reap the consequences. To potentially put that burden on everyone.

 

So just think it through. And don't make contact. At least not for today. (And then do that the next day...and the next. A day at a time).

 

Now is a great time to throw yourself into something new. Have you wanted to learn a language? Start a new hobby? Get back into one you've let go? Go on an adventure? Get your brain busy with something else.

 

You can do this.

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Tell your husband about your affair. The devastation you've been causing him and your family likely will help snap you out of your fog.

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Bittersweetie

Try not to think of it as NC forever. Forever is such an overwhelming concept.

 

Do NC just for today. You can do one day, right? You are strong enough for one day. Just push back any thoughts or actions until tomorrow.

 

And then tomorrow, you do NC just for that day.

 

Repeat.

 

And, soon, you will have a week. A month. A year. Just take it one day at a time. (Even one hour if need be.) GL.

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Tell your husband about your affair. The devastation you've been causing him and your family likely will help snap you out of your fog.

 

She's not ready for that yet. She is still in the "me, me, me" phase that many waywards find themselves in.

 

Try taking it a day, hour or minute at a time if you have to. Keep yourself busy, and try to change your perspective. Stop focusing on what you are "losing" and start focusing on what you and your family are regaining. For example, your kids will eventually have a mother who is fully present for them, you will regain authenticity and your integrity etc etc. Good luck.

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I have a question that ties into this topic, for MW. If it's such a struggle to go NC, why stay married? If the risk of losing the marriges isn't enough then what value is there?

 

It's always been a question that I've had. If your marriage and family isn't enough to drive you to fix it then what's the point?

 

We all make mistakes, I get how one can fall into this but I just don't understand the struggle.... either you want the marriage or you don't. If it isn't enough to keep you from talking to someone who is helping you murder it why not just clear the path and become more available to the other person.

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I think I had enough.. enough of ambiguity, enough of guilt, enough of reasons I gave to hold on... enough of starring onto my phone for hours for a two word reply... enough of seeing into my husbands eyes and pretending..

 

It was so much pain maintaining NC but it still wasnt enough reason to put myself back in for a re-ride... I am done once in for all

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I love what OWAmy said, but I admit I did not find NC easy.

 

When you are tempted, focusing on the "futility" is a great idea. What a perfect descriptive word. Think through what contacting him would achieve. Literally think it through to the end. If I reach out, what will I say? What do I want to happen? What is likely to happen? Will it be any different than before? Will I just end up in the same old spot?

 

Because, yes, you will end up in the same old spot...the one you just worked so hard to get out of. And you will find yourself in a matter of days or weeks having to get out of it all over again...because nothing will have changed.

 

In addition, you will have put yourself in a position again to reap the consequences. To potentially put that burden on everyone.

 

So just think it through. And don't make contact. At least not for today. (And then do that the next day...and the next. A day at a time).

 

Now is a great time to throw yourself into something new. Have you wanted to learn a language? Start a new hobby? Get back into one you've let go? Go on an adventure? Get your brain busy with something else.

 

You can do this.

 

You're right, it would just end up in the same place. We keep going in circles and nothing has changed. Nothing. We keep coming to the same conclusion, that we can't continue, that it's wrong, that many people will get hurt. I will keep reminding myself of these things.

 

Thanks for the suggestion to start something new. I definitely think it would help to get my mind off things and to focus on something else. I'll have to think about this one!

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Tell your husband about your affair. The devastation you've been causing him and your family likely will help snap you out of your fog.

 

I'm not there yet, but it's not off the table...

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I have a question that ties into this topic, for MW. If it's such a struggle to go NC, why stay married? If the risk of losing the marriges isn't enough then what value is there?

 

It's always been a question that I've had. If your marriage and family isn't enough to drive you to fix it then what's the point?

 

We all make mistakes, I get how one can fall into this but I just don't understand the struggle.... either you want the marriage or you don't. If it isn't enough to keep you from talking to someone who is helping you murder it why not just clear the path and become more available to the other person.

 

Thanks for the question. I'm not sure if I'll be able to give you a satisfactory answer, but I'll share my thoughts with you.

 

I don't think that just because I find NC a struggle that my marriage should end. The main reasons that both MM and I ended this is because although we have feelings for each other, there are other things that are more valuable to us like our marriages and families. I know it contradicts our actions. For me it was the constant battle I had between my head and my heart. In my head, I always knew what the right thing to do was. My heart told me something else. However, I recognize that my heart can want things that aren't good and right. And my heart can change what it wants if I choose to cultivate it. However, the things that I believe in my head to be good and true won't change. And that's what I need to lean on.

 

At this point I want to do walk towards the path of fixing my marriage. I don't want MM to be in my thoughts anymore. But the struggle is there because we made the grave mistake of opening ourselves to one another. I now have to work through the relationship ending and because we cared for one another, it's hard to let go.

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OP, I am not trying to pile on here, but you do realize that the explanation you gave--that your heart belongs to MM (even though your head belongs to H and family) still shows that you aren't thinking straight.

 

How would you like if your husband's heart belongs to someone else but he is staying with you because you're the safe logical choice? Meanwhile you are shortchanging your children by putting all this emotional energy away from your family like this. That's a childhood they will never get back!

 

Meanwhile, of course your heart belongs to MM--you've been opening up to him emotionally all this time, but you've been putting an emotional wall between you and your husband, shutting him out. By not telling your husband about your affair, there is a lot about what has been going on w you emotionally that he has no idea about. Which is of course blunting your feelings for H.

Edited by Imajerk17
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OP, I am not trying to pile on here, but you do realize that the explanation you gave--that your heart belongs to MM (even though your head belongs to H and family) still shows that you aren't thinking straight.

 

How would you like if your husband's heart belongs to someone else but he is staying with you because you're the safe logical choice?

 

Meanwhile, of course your heart belongs to MM--you've been opening up to him emotionally all this time, but you've been putting an emotional wall between you and your husband, shutting him out. By not telling your husband about your affair, there is a lot about what has been going on w you emotionally that he has no idea about. Which is of course blunting your feelings for H.

 

Imajerk, yes I realize that's what I'm saying and I don't like that I feel that way. No, I'm not thinking straight. I honestly would love to turn my feelings off, to pretend MM never existed. I don't want my husband to be the safe, logical choice. I know I'm holding back so much from him by not sharing what's been going on. And by doing that, I realize that although it's over between MM and I, there are secrets only he and I know about and that drives a wedge between us and our spouses.... I know what you are getting at, and I am working through this...

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Imajerk, yes I realize that's what I'm saying and I don't like that I feel that way. No, I'm not thinking straight. I honestly would love to turn my feelings off, to pretend MM never existed. I don't want my husband to be the safe, logical choice. I know I'm holding back so much from him by not sharing what's been going on. And by doing that, I realize that although it's over between MM and I, there are secrets only he and I know about and that drives a wedge between us and our spouses.... I know what you are getting at, and I am working through this...

You are going to have to next *stop* thinking about yourself, and *start* thinking about all the damage you have caused your family and how you are going to get to repairing it. It's going to involve confession at some point.

 

You have a mess on your hands that extends way beyond you, that you need to get to fixing ASAP. It's a dire situation. Right now your husband and children hardly even know you anymore.

Edited by Imajerk17
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I can give you the platitudes that it gets easier, but you won't believe me right now. Trust me it does. Just when you think it won't, it suddenly does. I wanted to get to this place of no feelings or emotions so badly, I had to finally accept they were there and I had to feel them in order to get through them.

 

Don't think about anything else but a day at a time. If you have to think an hour at a time, a minute at a time, do it.

 

I compare it to an addiction and right now you are "jonesing" in a bad way. But you will soon realize you are off that roller coaster of highs and lows and eventually that feeling outweighs the need for the fix.

 

Grieve it. Allow yourself to feel the emotions. And it's going to be hard because you have to do this in private.

 

Exercise, meditate and find joy in the little things. Live in the now.

 

All of this easier said than done. I remember saying the exact same things you are: I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to have feelings for him, but you have to allow that you did and you do and that's okay. You are just choosing every day not to act on them anymore.

 

Confessing? Not on the table yet. Sort yourself out first. Then go read my long and boring thread.

 

No one truly understands this unless they've experienced it. It's real and it hurts and it's okay. I hated myself for having those feelings, but they've diminished so much.

 

Get off all social media where you have a connection to him. I disabled my accounts and that helped a lot. Keep posting and reading. So many stories of people experiencing what we did and they are further along in the process. Midnight Blue, Jenkins, Southern Sun and He Can't Break Me have been huge inspirations for me so find those threads that motivate and comfort you. They've all been there. They get it. They don't judge. And that's what you need right now.

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Thanks for the question. I'm not sure if I'll be able to give you a satisfactory answer, but I'll share my thoughts with you.

 

I don't think that just because I find NC a struggle that my marriage should end. The main reasons that both MM and I ended this is because although we have feelings for each other, there are other things that are more valuable to us like our marriages and families. I know it contradicts our actions. For me it was the constant battle I had between my head and my heart. In my head, I always knew what the right thing to do was. My heart told me something else. However, I recognize that my heart can want things that aren't good and right. And my heart can change what it wants if I choose to cultivate it. However, the things that I believe in my head to be good and true won't change. And that's what I need to lean on.

 

At this point I want to do walk towards the path of fixing my marriage. I don't want MM to be in my thoughts anymore. But the struggle is there because we made the grave mistake of opening ourselves to one another. I now have to work through the relationship ending and because we cared for one another, it's hard to let go.

 

I have to disagree...I think that is exactly why you should end your marriage. The message it sends is that you're so amazing that you deserve two men committed to you while your husband doesn't even deserve one committed to him. Yes, if you can't commit and stay committed you should end your marriage...staying committed should not be a struggle if it is then what's are you holding on for? Why are you really staying MARRIED? I know you say more important, but it's not really...were that true you wouldn't be in this position.

 

I'm not trying to be an azzhole, I'm just truly wondering.

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If I am not misremembering, this isn't the first time you've tried to end it with MM. If it's not, then the question is, what will make it stick this time? What makes this time different than all the other past attempts? You yourself say your heart is with MM. The outcome will not change if the inputs are the same as the last time. Good luck.

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Thanks for the question. I'm not sure if I'll be able to give you a satisfactory answer, but I'll share my thoughts with you.

 

I don't think that just because I find NC a struggle that my marriage should end. The main reasons that both MM and I ended this is because although we have feelings for each other, there are other things that are more valuable to us like our marriages and families. I know it contradicts our actions. For me it was the constant battle I had between my head and my heart. In my head, I always knew what the right thing to do was. My heart told me something else. However, I recognize that my heart can want things that aren't good and right. And my heart can change what it wants if I choose to cultivate it. However, the things that I believe in my head to be good and true won't change. And that's what I need to lean on.

 

At this point I want to do walk towards the path of fixing my marriage. I don't want MM to be in my thoughts anymore. But the struggle is there because we made the grave mistake of opening ourselves to one another. I now have to work through the relationship ending and because we cared for one another, it's hard to let go.

 

 

 

I get this I really do. Do you have hope for your marriage? Do you love your husband? Intimate with him? Don't stay just cos you feel you should

 

I get the grieving for MM while trying to maintain normally- it's so hard. You are doing great

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I get this I really do. Do you have hope for your marriage? Do you love your husband? Intimate with him? Don't stay just cos you feel you should

 

I get the grieving for MM while trying to maintain normally- it's so hard. You are doing great

 

Doing great? Seriously? Her husband (and children) are being forced to live a complete lie only they don't even know it yet. How is that possibly anything close to "doing great". :confused:

 

I get this may have sounded mean, but OP needs to open her eyes to see how dire things really are. Meanwhile people in affairs here need to see beyond their own pain. There are innocent victims to this who are getting 100x worse.

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BreakingWave

BBS,

 

First, I am proud of you for taking the step you think must be taken. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. I'm not nearly as far along as you are - I'm still trying to accept the by now pretty obvious truth that I'm not going to be one of those rare affairs that leads to a new happy relationship. That's something you worked out a while ago and I know it's been a struggle for you.

 

 

You have so much support here and I hope it drowns out some of the negativity that isn't really constructive. I do think it's important to focus on *why* you chose your husband, and hopefully it is because you still believe he is the person who you will be able to commit to and be with forever from this moment on, and that the same is true of your x-MM and his wife.

 

 

Hugs,

BW

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BBS,

 

First, I am proud of you for taking the step you think must be taken. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. I'm not nearly as far along as you are - I'm still trying to accept the by now pretty obvious truth that I'm not going to be one of those rare affairs that leads to a new happy relationship. That's something you worked out a while ago and I know it's been a struggle for you.

 

 

You have so much support here and I hope it drowns out some of the negativity that isn't really constructive. I do think it's important to focus on *why* you chose your husband, and hopefully it is because you still believe he is the person who you will be able to commit to and be with forever from this moment on, and that the same is true of your x-MM and his wife.

 

 

Hugs,

BW

 

I'm not 100% convinced that is an accurate representation of OP's situation. She sounds like she "chose" her BH because AP is unavailable or unwilling to take their relationship to the next level. BH sounds like the default choice or the safety net. OP's choice to stray from her "marriage" has absolutely nothing to do with who her BH was or is, so she will not find any comfort there.

 

Commitment and respect go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other.

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I'm not 100% convinced that is an accurate representation of OP's situation. She sounds like she "chose" her BH because AP is unavailable or unwilling to take their relationship to the next level. BH sounds like the default choice or the safety net. OP's choice to stray from her "marriage" has absolutely nothing to do with who her BH was or is, so she will not find any comfort there.

 

Commitment and respect go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other.

 

Actually, having read the OP's original thread I don't think the above is the situation either. I don't get the impression that the OP has ever wanted to leave her marriage for the MM or for the MM to leave his marriage for her. They haven't ever had sex and I don't think the OP wants to even cross that line. Not saying that the emotional affair isn't wrong but I just don't think the OP views her husband as the default or second best option.

 

I think what happened is the OP simply formed an emotional attachment/addiction to another man and now she is having a difficult time getting herself free of it. Obviously she shouldn't have ever allowed that attachment to develop but she did and now she is going to have to go through the pain of breaking that attachment. I think once she successfully does that her feelings for her husband will rise to the surface again.

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