What did i get myself into!

[fortlear]

I have been involved in an extra marital affair for 2 years now, and it has come to a point where she's possessive and monitoring me. The main reason is she fears I will end up cheating on her. Ive never done that to her though she threatened me before that she will start dating other people since she believes our relationship is not fair to her. There was a chance she may end up leaving me for someone else and I respect that. The problem I have is that we are not getting along, the reason is because of the circumstances of our relationship. It has put huge strain on me and her and as much as she has every right to move on dating other people, she also knows I would not leave my family. We always agreed from beginning that if I get caught by my wife it would definitely be over between us. There was an incident in the past where she was ready to leave me when we thought my wife was getting suspicious. Well that turned out to not be what we thought it was.

 

 

Our relationship has become so toxic that I had to make a hard decision. Since she is possessive and monitored me before, I just told her that my wife found out and I tried convincing my wife we were just friends, but she's suspicious, I told her we cannot talk anymore. Though I lied I figured she would leave because of the embarrassment and fear of her family finding out. She was devastated because that would mean we cannot even be friends, text or call each other. She wanted to keep contact with me through messenger and emails because she claims to be concerned for my well being. I agreed because I did feel bad for ending it like this.

 

 

Since the breakup, we have kept in contact now for almost 1 month but now she's saying that my wife suspicions will go away thinking we are just friends. Considering there are no phone calls in my recent phone bills, she thinks my wife will forget about this. Now she's proposing we just meet up for sex because she misses that the most of our relationship. I was like what the heck did I get myself into. Granted sex's a temptation and I thought about it and Im like we cannot do this if my wife is suspicious.

 

 

I guess I am just wondering, what are her intentions? Does she not know we have already crossed the line by being involved with each other but now that she thinks my wife knows would this not be a sign for her that we need to just end this? Just before we ended this she even threatened and ready to start dating other people so why does she not just start dating? Now I am scared she may confront my wife. What did I get myself into!

Edited June 16, 2017 by fortlear

[crystalstevens]

So your OW is upset that you might trade her for another when you're already married???

 

I would go absolutely NC with your OW. She IS toxic, if you want to save your marriage. Drop the OW, if you want to save your sanity... Drop the OW as well. I do not see this end up well for you.

 

Honestly, I see you OW as the type who would try to blackmail you and expose your A to you wife.

 

The only alternative I see here is if you want a clean conscience and a fresh start is confess to your wife. I know it's not easy, but if you tell her and are thoroughly remorseful, she *might* just forgive you.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact extraneous characters

[anika99]

The reason the OW won't go away is because you weren't honest with her. You lied to her and she believed you so she is understandably thinking that the only reason you won't see her is because of your wife. She thinks you want to be with her as much as she wants to be with you but your big meanie wife is keeping you two special lovebirds apart. It's amazing how many OW continue to believe that their MM really wants to be with them even after they have ended the affair and chosen to stay with their wives. It's because, like you, their MM has led them to believe that they really love the OW and long to be with them but they(the MM) are forced to stay married by circumstances beyond their control.

 

This lie keeps the OW stuck in an emotional state that binds them to their affair partner sometimes for months or even years after the affair is over. Since they believe with all of their hearts that their MM truly longs for them and wants to be with them the OW continues to hold onto hope that somehow someway their love will conquer all and they will be reunited with their soulmate. You are the typical conflict avoiding and cowardly MM who always looks for the easiest way out and who is never fully honest with anyone.

 

All the stuff in your first paragraph about how the OW fears you will cheat on her and feels like this relationship is unfair to her. Not your problem or your responsibility. Assuming that nobody forced her into an affair with a MM so its' her problem if she is unhappy and feels like it's unfair. Just tell her the truth that you don't want the affair anymore regardless of whether or not your wife is suspicious and add that you don't want to be friends either. Yes that will hurt her and she will probably freak out on you but that is the only way to set her free. She has to be told the truth so that she understands why she needs to move on.

 

There is also the possibility that she will be so mad that she will tell your wife. Well that is the gamble you took when you decided to cheat and frankly I think your wife deserves the truth from you too. You and the OW selfishly decided to get involved in this affair and now you both have to face the consequences.

[Ahurtgirl]

She fell in love. Don't act like you are the victim here. This was the exact way my exMM was like and I did tell his wife because I was very in love with him. Even though he called my house and left numerous messages that my now ex-

husband heard on the answering machine when the whole affair started (2012) begging me to find happiness with him, HE acted like he was the victim and said he needed to protect himself from me when I called his wife to check on his well being (thought he had driven home drunk on a night he was out with his wife and he called me to say he wanted to leave the bar but his wife wasn't ready to go. (2016) So four years later HE acts like it is all my fault and ends things with me when he fears his marriage might be affected, yet he was the one who caused major issues in my marriage four years earlier and I fought to keep him in my life rather than ending things because I loved him. Your affair partner LOVES you. Realize that!

[stillafool]

Her intention is to systematically break up your marriage and have you to herself. You should tell her that your wife just found evidence that you are back in touch with her and you can't talk anymore. Then block her or change your number. Block her on social media as well. Otherwise, hold on because this thing is going to blow sky high and land on your face.

[fortlear]

So your OW is upset that you might trade her for another when you're already married???

I would go absolutely NC with your OW. She IS toxic, if you want to save your marriage. Drop the OW, if you want to save your sanity... Drop the OW as well. I do not see this end up well for you.

 

Honestly, I see you OW as the type who would try to blackmail you and expose your A to you wife.

 

The only alternative I see here is if you want a clean conscience and a fresh start is confess to your wife. I know it's not easy, but if you tell her and are thoroughly remorseful, she *might* just forgive you.

 

Good luck.

 

Well the biggest problem she has that she will never have contact with me again. That is her excuse on why she wants to remain in contact. Maybe she thinks im lying, but for crying out loud she has broken up with me so many times and went NC. She even would say we will never talk to each other again. In fact she told me last week that my wife knows maybe its best she leaves me alone and then she ends up backpedaling. The problem is she looked at our relationship as a game and now that the game is up she does not know what to do. And the games is what caused the toxicity. I was tired of the games and I just wanted out. I seriously thought this would end the game, but now I found myself in another game im trying to get out from.

Edited June 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Her intention is to systematically break up your marriage and have you to herself. You should tell her that your wife just found evidence that you are back in touch with her and you can't talk anymore. Then block her or change your number. Block her on social media as well. Otherwise, hold on because this thing is going to blow sky high and land on your face.

 

So what happens when she decides to tell the wife and apologize? We've seen that play out here before. OP, I think you'd be smart to level with your OW.

[misspalmy]

your better off to come clean to your wife b4 shes tells her

[Southern Sun]

These relationships can bring out the worst in people.

 

If you are in an affair, and an imbalanced one at that (SOW with a MM), one person will often have a mess of insecurities bubble up. You can't know what is going on in the other person's life like you would in a normal relationship. You don't have typical access to one another. The SOW is usually in the position of waiting for time with the MM and sometimes will be at his beck and call (not always, but it can happen). It really can lead to a lot of anxiety about one's position in the R. Not to mention, the SOW knows that her MM is cheating on his wife. So why not cheat on her too? What's stopping him? I mean, his wife has the ring, the legal, binding document. What does she have?? It is always in the back of her mind.

 

This is the kind of OW you have. You're now trying to dump her using the "nice guy" method, but that's probably not going to work here. Because of her anxiety, she's broken up with YOU, but freaks out and wants to get back together. All very typical. You will have to man up and tell her that it's just over. The relationship has run its course. It's the only kind thing to do, even if it feels terrifyingly wrong. Going about this any other way will only cause her more pain and anxiety and drag this out for much longer.

[BaileyB]

This is unhealthy and messed up all around.

 

The thought that she could become concerned that you will cheat ON HER, when you are cheating WITH HER on your wife is rather comical. Obviously, she has become too attached and your relationship is unhealthy. You best hope that she does not become unbalanced and vindictive when you tell her that it is finally over... because it would not be hard to imagine her telling your wife the truth about your relationship.

 

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive...

[fortlear]

The reason the OW won't go away is because you weren't honest with her. You lied to her and she believed you so she is understandably thinking that the only reason you won't see her is because of your wife. She thinks you want to be with her as much as she wants to be with you but your big meanie wife is keeping you two special lovebirds apart. It's amazing how many OW continue to believe that their MM really wants to be with them even after they have ended the affair and chosen to stay with their wives. It's because, like you, their MM has led them to believe that they really love the OW and long to be with them but they(the MM) are forced to stay married by circumstances beyond their control.

 

This lie keeps the OW stuck in an emotional state that binds them to their affair partner sometimes for months or even years after the affair is over. Since they believe with all of their hearts that their MM truly longs for them and wants to be with them the OW continues to hold onto hope that somehow someway their love will conquer all and they will be reunited with their soulmate. You are the typical conflict avoiding and cowardly MM who always looks for the easiest way out and who is never fully honest with anyone.

 

All the stuff in your first paragraph about how the OW fears you will cheat on her and feels like this relationship is unfair to her. Not your problem or your responsibility. Assuming that nobody forced her into an affair with a MM so its' her problem if she is unhappy and feels like it's unfair. Just tell her the truth that you don't want the affair anymore regardless of whether or not your wife is suspicious and add that you don't want to be friends either. Yes that will hurt her and she will probably freak out on you but that is the only way to set her free. She has to be told the truth so that she understands why she needs to move on.

 

There is also the possibility that she will be so mad that she will tell your wife. Well that is the gamble you took when you decided to cheat and frankly I think your wife deserves the truth from you too. You and the OW selfishly decided to get involved in this affair and now you both have to face the consequences.

 

 

We made the agreement that if either of us got caught it would end. Of course I love her, want to be with her, but the toxicity and games of relationship has become too much. She even ended it with me so many times because she says there no future for us.But then she will continue contacting me to see if I still want her, so you do not think she is acting cowardly when she is doing these things. Even if I left my wife for her it would not last because we are just too incompatible at this point.

 

 

Seriously, how can she still sleep with me if she knows about my wife already having suspicions. The lies that revolve around our relationship has unfortunately creating an environment of toxicity, games, and deception and I just want out even to the point that I may actually have to tell my wife.

[fortlear]

She fell in love. Don't act like you are the victim here. This was the exact way my exMM was like and I did tell his wife because I was very in love with him. Even though he called my house and left numerous messages that my now ex-

husband heard on the answering machine when the whole affair started (2012) begging me to find happiness with him, HE acted like he was the victim and said he needed to protect himself from me when I called his wife to check on his well being (thought he had driven home drunk on a night he was out with his wife and he called me to say he wanted to leave the bar but his wife wasn't ready to go. (2016) So four years later HE acts like it is all my fault and ends things with me when he fears his marriage might be affected, yet he was the one who caused major issues in my marriage four years earlier and I fought to keep him in my life rather than ending things because I loved him. Your affair partner LOVES you. Realize that!

 

 

I love her too, I'm not acting like a victim but the games she has played has created too much drama and toxicity. She has even told me before that she would never want me to leave my family and she does not want her family to know anything about me, if they do then they will know we had an affair for 2 years.

 

 

There are 2 sides to a story, I admit I'm not perfect. Before we even started she had marital problems, she would ask me for advice. I advised her to work out her marriage and she did. Not to further get involved in her personal life I kept a distance. She then proceeded to talk to me more, one thing led to another, we started an affair. Then she separates from her husband behind my back. I was upset feeling I was the cause of her separation.

 

 

We made agreement that if either of us got caught it would end. Of course I love her, want to be with her but the toxicity and games of relationship has become too much. She even ended it with me so many times because she says there no future for us.But then she will continue contacting me to see if I still want her, so you do not think she is acting cowardly when she is doing these things. Even if I left my wife for her it would not last because we are just too incompatible at this point.

 

 

Seriously, how can she still sleep with me if she knows about my wife already having suspicions. The lies that revolve around our relationship has unfortunately creating an environment of toxicity, games, and deception and I just want out even to the point that I may actually have to tell my wife. I just figured she would take same approach now that I have marital issues going on, I guess me was wrong.

[fortlear]

Her intention is to systematically break up your marriage and have you to herself. You should tell her that your wife just found evidence that you are back in touch with her and you can't talk anymore. Then block her or change your number. Block her on social media as well. Otherwise, hold on because this thing is going to blow sky high and land on your face.

 

I cant do this, I don't want to break her down, I'm not that type of person. If she is taking this systematic apppraoch I may just have to actually tell my wife and get this over with.

[fortlear]

These relationships can bring out the worst in people.

 

If you are in an affair, and an imbalanced one at that (SOW with a MM), one person will often have a mess of insecurities bubble up. You can't know what is going on in the other person's life like you would in a normal relationship. You don't have typical access to one another. The SOW is usually in the position of waiting for time with the MM and sometimes will be at his beck and call (not always, but it can happen). It really can lead to a lot of anxiety about one's position in the R. Not to mention, the SOW knows that her MM is cheating on his wife. So why not cheat on her too? What's stopping him? I mean, his wife has the ring, the legal, binding document. What does she have?? It is always in the back of her mind.

 

This is the kind of OW you have. You're now trying to dump her using the "nice guy" method, but that's probably not going to work here. Because of her anxiety, she's broken up with YOU, but freaks out and wants to get back together. All very typical. You will have to man up and tell her that it's just over. The relationship has run its course. It's the only kind thing to do, even if it feels terrifyingly wrong. Going about this any other way will only cause her more pain and anxiety and drag this out for much longer.

 

 

Look I did everything I can to be in this relationship. I treated her like a boyfriend, trying my best not act like the MM. When we would fight, things got bad. When we were good, everything was great. Her insecurities anxitiess had become too much that she would play games to see how I act. If I got mad she would think I care about her, if I did not get mad then she thinks I don't care about relationship.

 

 

So your saying I should just come clean and break up? We both tried this method but she continues to feel me out, tries to entice me with sex, then we get back to where we started to only break up again because of some game that is played. I'm just tired of this cycle. The sex is too good and she believes she will not experience that with anyone else. I agree I feel same way, but getting along with her is important than sex even though its a temptation that still lingers in me.

[fortlear]

This is unhealthy and messed up all around.

 

The thought that she could become concerned that you will cheat ON HER, when you are cheating WITH HER on your wife is rather comical. Obviously, she has become too attached and your relationship is unhealthy. You best hope that she does not become unbalanced and vindictive when you tell her that it is finally over... because it would not be hard to imagine her telling your wife the truth about your relationship.

 

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive...

 

Believe me I'm worried that she will tell my wife and it looks like I will have to do it 1st before she does. I feel remorse for being involved in this but I don't think she feels remorse. Whatever it is the deception has to come to an end.

[somanymistakes]

We made the agreement that if either of us got caught it would end. Of course I love her, want to be with her, but the toxicity and games of relationship has become too much. She even ended it with me so many times because she says there no future for us.But then she will continue contacting me to see if I still want her, so you do not think she is acting cowardly when she is doing these things. Even if I left my wife for her it would not last because we are just too incompatible at this point.

 

Seriously, how can she still sleep with me if she knows about my wife already having suspicions. The lies that revolve around our relationship has unfortunately creating an environment of toxicity, games, and deception and I just want out even to the point that I may actually have to tell my wife.

 

Yeah, and you know who you made an agreement with first? Your wife. And you didn't stick to that one, either.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean to you, but to point out that logical agreements mean nothing in the face of an affair. You've both been clearly willing to let your hormones overrule your thoughts and plans before, it's not a surprise that it keeps happening.

 

A LOT of affairs don't end when they get caught, they turn into a yo-yo of off-and-on, of staying low for a while and then getting back together, of swearing that it's over for good and then giving in to temptation all over again.

 

The behavior you're describing for her isn't unusual for someone who's gotten overly attached in an affair.

 

Unfortunately, you've already made a second mistake by lying to her about why you don't want to see her. The problem with lies like that is that once you're known to tell lies when it's convenient, she'll never be sure that you are telling the truth. So there's a possibility that even if you tell her that you are completely disinterested and she sucks in bed and she's annoying and you never want to see her again, if she knows you're a liar she may believe you're just saying that because your wife is making you say it, or to try and drive her away because deep down you want her so badly you need to lash out in order to get free.

 

The safest thing to do is be completely honest with everyone as soon as possible.

[BaileyB]

Seriously, how can she still sleep with me if she knows about my wife already having suspicions.

 

But seriously, how did you sleep with her when you had a wife at home?

 

I'm not saying this to be unkind but merely to point out the absurdity of your thinking. You seem to be very quick to lay the blame at her feet when it takes two to tango...

Edited June 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[Southern Sun]

Seriously, how can she still sleep with me if she knows about my wife already having suspicions. The lies that revolve around our relationship has unfortunately creating an environment of toxicity, games, and deception and I just want out even to the point that I may actually have to tell my wife. I just figured she would take same approach now that I have marital issues going on, I guess me was wrong.

 

Look I did everything I can to be in this relationship. I treated her like a boyfriend, trying my best not act like the MM. When we would fight, things got bad. When we were good, everything was great. Her insecurities anxitiess had become too much that she would play games to see how I act. If I got mad she would think I care about her, if I did not get mad then she thinks I don't care about relationship.

 

 

So your saying I should just come clean and break up? We both tried this method but she continues to feel me out, tries to entice me with sex, then we get back to where we started to only break up again because of some game that is played. I'm just tired of this cycle. The sex is too good and she believes she will not experience that with anyone else. I agree I feel same way, but getting along with her is important than sex even though its a temptation that still lingers in me.

 

Boy...you have a problem with taking accountability for your actions here.

 

How can SHE still sleep with YOU? Because you are sleeping with her too! That sort of conveys that you want to. No?

 

Look, I learned that lesson the hard way myself. It was a different scenario slightly, but I gave very mixed messages to my MM. I would tell him that I didn't like our relationship the way it was, that I felt I was being used for sex. He had 'ended' things with me, yet kept 'caving' and coming back, which really turned out to be for sex. It still felt like a relationship to me, so I would agree...but then he would say we couldn't restart the relationship. It was very confusing. I became angry, thinking, how could he continue to do this knowing this isn't what I want?? Yes, he was busting my boundaries, but by virtue of me allowing him to, it implied permission. It implied that I was okay with it. Actions DO speak louder than words, always. My words might have been saying, I don't like this form of relationship. But my actions were saying, keep it coming.

 

YOU are saying, I can't keep doing this. You are telling her, my wife is suspicious. But you expect her to do all the work. You are hoping this will all go away by her respecting your 'word' boundaries. Then you say, why is she still having sex with me?? Like you can't believe it. Well, if she comes back and 'seduces' you and it works on you, she's going to think that's what it takes to have sex with you. Not that you don't want sex or you can't have sex; just that she has to do x, y, and z to have sex.

 

You are teaching her what to do and how to treat you. You are saying one thing and doing another.

 

You have to be willing to back up your words with actions, if you no longer want the relationship. However you need to do it is fine. If you want to use the 'wife is suspicious' excuse, go ahead. But be firm about it, and at least give her closure. Tell her you need to refocus on your family...not "maybe you'll talk soon" crap. You can't cave to her efforts anymore. And you have to know, that since you've set up a pattern, she won't believe you for a while. She will likely try a few times, and you will have to be strong and hold firm to your no many times, before she gives up. She may come back in 6 months or a year for all I know. Many do.

 

You simply need to focus on the message that you are sending by your actions. What do you want it to be? And do that.

[whichwayisup]

Why should the OW care about your wife and marital status when you don't? You're too concerned and focused on why the OW would still sleep with you? WHY are YOU still sleeping with her? Own your actions and choices. You're the married one, she isn't.

 

Tell your wife the truth. You owe her that.

 

Both of you need to get tested for STD's.

[Matt the Rat]

My community service thing for the day: Get out. Now. Those things almost never work out. Almost never as in 3%. Not with it. I wasted years doing that very thing.

 

You'll see . . .

[SecretStar]

Look I did everything I can to be in this relationship. I treated her like a boyfriend, trying my best not act like the MM.

 

Ummm you ARE the MM NOT a boyfriend.

 

I am reading this thread and wondering how your W fits into this story. Doesn't she matter? Why should your wife put up with you? Do you have any level of respect for her and the promise that you made to her?

 

What kind of person do you want to be: Someone who owns your mistakes and tries to fix them or someone who lies and cheats? Sorry to be harsh but it is difficult for me to understand why you are not owning this problem and why you are not focused on either fixing your marriage or getting out. That is step one. The OW is irrelevant while you work on the first part of the issue. OW can be dealt with next but NC while you work on step 1.

[jenkins95]

Ummm you ARE the MM NOT a boyfriend.

 

I am reading this thread and wondering how your W fits into this story. Doesn't she matter? Why should your wife put up with you? Do you have any level of respect for her and the promise that you made to her?

 

What kind of person do you want to be: Someone who owns your mistakes and tries to fix them or someone who lies and cheats? Sorry to be harsh but it is difficult for me to understand why you are not owning this problem and why you are not focused on either fixing your marriage or getting out. That is step one. The OW is irrelevant while you work on the first part of the issue. OW can be dealt with next but NC while you work on step 1.

 

I agree with SS here. Where does your wife fit into your thinking? Your only comments about her concern whether or not she is suspicious or going to find out. What about her feelings? What about yours? Do you love her? Does she love you?

 

What if she DOES find out? Would she kick you out or want to work on the marriage, or don't you know? Are you prepared to end the affair and work 100% to fix your marriage?

 

If not, it is best to get out of the marriage now...and don't go running straight to the OW. Things very rarely work that way. You need to have time on your own, therapy and mental recovery before moving on to one relationship form another.

 

Good luck OP. I also know first-hand the knots we can tie ourselves in when we get into these situations. Engage brain, listen to advice and proceed with caution.

Edited August 2, 2017 by jenkins95

[SecretStar]

I do understand the temptations too. I'm trying hard not to fall into an affair myself. I just don't understand why red flags don't appear the minute we have those wayward thoughts. I guess it's addictive. Still, where's the compassion for others? Is it ecliped by our selfishness? If so, what kind of person do we become when we have affairs?

[jenkins95]

I do understand the temptations too. I'm trying hard not to fall into an affair myself. I just don't understand why red flags don't appear the minute we have those wayward thoughts. I guess it's addictive. Still, where's the compassion for others? Is it ecliped by our selfishness? If so, what kind of person do we become when we have affairs?

 

I hear what you're saying SS. In my case, it was pure selfishness, curiosity and eventually addiction. There was nothing major wrong with my marriage, life had simply become a bit boring and routine....... The excitement and lure of the attentions of a beautiful woman after so many years was too much for me to resist. How I regret it now. It was so exciting and addictive that I simply pushed red flags and uncomfortable feelings away and led a double life for months, compartmentalising and telling myself that noone needed to know and noone needed to get hurt. It caught up with me in the end of course as it almost always does and there were d-days for both APs and the inevitable fallout and heartbreak..

 

I've always been considered a good, honest person, but during the A, I was a deceitful, duplicitous, lustful, selfish, lying cheat. All I can do now is learn and make up for it. I'm very lucky to have been given a second chance.

[misspalmy]

We made the agreement that if either of us got caught it would end. Of course I love her, want to be with her, but the toxicity and games of relationship has become too much. She even ended it with me so many times because she says there no future for us.But then she will continue contacting me to see if I still want her, so you do not think she is acting cowardly when she is doing these things. Even if I left my wife for her it would not last because we are just too incompatible at this point.

 

 

Seriously, how can she still sleep with me if she knows about my wife already having suspicions. The lies that revolve around our relationship has unfortunately creating an environment of toxicity, games, and deception and I just want out even to the point that I may actually have to tell my wife.

 

its the little green eye monster there, shes pro thinking all kinds of stuff with your wife, she may be jelours of you being with your wife, she trys to end it but your like a drug so she comes back