Married man disappearing reappearing. I don't know what happened or what he wants

[angiep]

He is a famous author.We started texting after him reading one of my reviews back at Christmas. We don't live in the same city so after our texting became non stop almost 24/7. we spent 2 weekends together too.We talked about everything, he told me everything about his life.

 

He has two children 20 and 16.He told me there is distance between him and his wife after 20 years of marriage but no arguments or tension at home.They just have their own hobbies and lead their lives not doing much together. But at that point he wasnt ready to leave home financially or socially, he is 50 too. but he wanted us to continue and made plans for Easter holidays and later.At Easter he spent more time with his family and then one day while talking on the phone when I asked him where we stand he told me it's very difficult and he doesn't know when we could meet again and now that he finished the new book he hasn't got many opportunities to be in his study to be texting to me or that his daughted has picked up some signs etc.

 

So I asked him if he made a decision or we re good and we re moving on and he said no decisions are made we re just talking about how things are.and then the line went dead and that was it.He disappeared for 2 weeks when he texted happy month I didn't reply to it (he had disappeared again for a few days before Easter and he had promised not to do it again) and after 2 weeks have a nice week with joy etc.So I replied that these casual texts are meaningless and if he wanted to tell me something meaningful or explain what has happened all this time he has disappeared he should call and talk. He replied that he doesn't understand what I find meaningless and that he texted because he cared and that he understands that there is obviously a limit to the boundaries I can cross.

 

I didn't understand so called him to clarify things.He never picked up my calls.It's been three weeks. Why disappearing and then texting casually or replying with texts I don't understand?Which boundaries can't I cross?I still have no clear idea of what happened or what he wanted or wants. Any ideas and insight?

Edited June 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[aileD]

You're not a reality in his life. He sees you as a little excitement or comfort or whatever when he wants to escape or is bored. He can disappear like that because you're not important in his real life .

 

You deserve better. Don't fall for it. Let him disappear and move on

[BTDT2012]

He replied that he doesn't understand what I find meaningless and that he texted because he cared and that he understands that there is obviously a limit to the boundaries I can cross.

 

He has relegated you to the position of side piece. You are to be available when he has time. You are a pleasant diversion on his terms, but you are not to intrude on his real life. He isn't interested in creating a life with you.

 

Don't allow yourself to be treated this way.

[Darren Steez]

I'll take a guess about what he wants... then after he's done he's gone.

 

What an ego booster eh?

[FoundMyStrength]

Honestly it sounds like you were a nice diversion while he was able to easily hide your existence from his wife and children. He was working in the study with plenty of cover. Now that the book is done, he can't do that anymore and someone -- daughter, wife -- is suspicious.

 

So, as others have said, you're now relegated to the side lines. You'll get some emails, some texts, maybe a phone call or two. Maybe somewhere down the line, if he has another reason to be in the study, the frequency will increase again. Maybe not. Who knows.

 

But you're worth way more than this. Don't let him treat you this way. Just walk. That's what I did. I practically lived with my xMM during our work assignment and then I was supposed to be happy with a couple of emails a week at a secret email address. We are worth more than scraps. When I walked, at least I knew I was sending *that* message to him. Do the same to your MM.

Edited June 14, 2017 by FoundMyStrength

[honeytomb]

If he truly wanted to talk to you, he would. He used to make time and now he makes excuses.

 

I too have been played by a famous guy. They enjoy the ego boost, like someone else said, and the control, that they can give you something small and it means the world. You sound wiser than I was when I was going through this (I was very young at the time), in that you do not fall for these small gestures. He likely has the resources to have whatever kind of life he wants. If he genuinely cared for you and wanted you, he would actively pursue you and make it happen. At the very least, he would be some kind of support for you and not disappear. He is selfish and comfortable and has no interest in changing that. But he will happily toss a line out for as long as you will bite.

[whichwayisup]

You deserve better! This guy is famous, married and has two children whom he's NOT leaving. He more or less told you that. He is looking for excitement and fun on the side not a serious relationship or a future with someone else and starting over all over again.

 

I hope you end it with him and find a great guy when you're ready to date again. There are thousands of single men who will treat you better and proudly involve you in their lives and introduce you to all friends and family.

[jjgitties]

So did you sleep with this guy or you just texted and chatted? Did it ever occur to you that maybe you were research for his book he was working on? Now he doesn't need you because the research is over.

[angiep]

So did you sleep with this guy or you just texted and chatted? Did it ever occur to you that maybe you were research for his book he was working on? Now he doesn't need you because the research is over.

As I wrote we spent 2 weekends together.he came to my city and the next month I went to his city.then I noticed the change.maybe it was getting too real and too complicated plus the end of the book and no excuses to be away from home or be talking and texting all that much.

 

I never put pressure on him.Just told him from the start that it was not an adventure for me that's why I asked where we were after Easter.he was telling that no decisions are made and we re just talking about the difficulties of the situation.All I wanted was clarity. I wouldn't keep it as an affair and double life much longer.He pursued it anyway from the start. I just wanted to have a real talk with him after his meaningless texts and him not picking up my calls left me hanging and not being able to express what I wanted..that's my struggle.I thought of emailing him how I ve been feeling all this time but couldn't do it. So I ve done nothing for almost a month now and I don't think I will.

 

I just don't know if he ll try to reappear again later on and mess me up..Do they do that?

[Overtaxed]

As I wrote we spent 2 weekends together.he came to my city and the next month I went to his city.then I noticed the change.maybe it was getting too real and too complicated plus the end of the book and no excuses to be away from home or be talking and texting all that much.

 

I never put pressure on him.Just told him from the start that it was not an adventure for me that's why I asked where we were after Easter.he was telling that no decisions are made and we re just talking about the difficulties of the situation.All I wanted was clarity. I wouldn't keep it as an affair and double life much longer.He pursued it anyway from the start. I just wanted to have a real talk with him after his meaningless texts and him not picking up my calls left me hanging and not being able to express what I wanted..that's my struggle.I thought of emailing him how I ve been feeling all this time but couldn't do it. So I ve done nothing for almost a month now and I don't think I will.

 

I just don't know if he ll try to reappear again later on and mess me up..Do they do that?

 

Yes, they do. What the other posters said above is right, he's looking for NSA sex, not for a GF/wife. I'm sorry, but, to a man, this is clear as day. This is exactly how we act when stringing a woman along for sex. Textbook even.

 

You saying "I won't keep doing this" and then doing it anyway tells him everything he needs to know. Your words are meaningless to him without action. Break it off, stop answering his messages and he'll go away. Rich or famous men are notorious for this behavior for a reason; it's very easy for them to have NSA sex with the hollow promise of "more" because the "more" is so alluring to so many women. Stop being that woman, respect yourself and move on. Trust me, he already has another girl in his bed, I'd bet my house on it.

[freengreen]

clarity is a four letter word in an affair.

 

Sometimes people wont have it themselves, sometimes they do and dont want to share... it snatches your peace really.

[angiep]

Yes, they do. What the other posters said above is right, he's looking for NSA sex, not for a GF/wife. I'm sorry, but, to a man, this is clear as day. This is exactly how we act when stringing a woman along for sex. Textbook even.

 

You saying "I won't keep doing this" and then doing it anyway tells him everything he needs to know. Your words are meaningless to him without action. Break it off, stop answering his messages and he'll go away. Rich or famous men are notorious for this behavior for a reason; it's very easy for them to have NSA sex with the hollow promise of "more" because the "more" is so alluring to so many women. Stop being that woman, respect yourself and move on. Trust me, he already has another girl in his bed, I'd bet my house on it.

 

Thanks. I didn't keep doing it. Afterour discussion at Easter and his disappearance I didn't do anything.precisely because disappearing is something I don't accept.He had already done it before for few days only. When he texted 2 weeks later,I didn't reply and after the second one I told him about this casual contact meaning nothing.he said he cared and the only reason I called was because I wanted to clear the air and this kind of behavious is not accepted.either say something important or not.He didn't pick up so left it there.So I was left thinking does he want to be just friends now?Why couldn't he pick up the phone and talk as a 55-year old man?

He could just say it's over with respect when we had the discussion at Easter and asked him if he wants us to make a decision about continuing or not.Simple and nice.He is 55. I just expected a more decent and honest behaviour.That's all.

Some days I feel I should email him my feelings to find peace and some days I'm thinking the other way continue do nothing.

Edited June 15, 2017 by angiep
clarity

[BTDT2012]

Write your feelings down, but don't send them to him.

[angiep]

If he truly wanted to talk to you, he would. He used to make time and now he makes excuses.

 

I too have been played by a famous guy. They enjoy the ego boost, like someone else said, and the control, that they can give you something small and it means the world. You sound wiser than I was when I was going through this (I was very young at the time), in that you do not fall for these small gestures. He likely has the resources to have whatever kind of life he wants. If he genuinely cared for you and wanted you, he would actively pursue you and make it happen. At the very least, he would be some kind of support for you and not disappear. He is selfish and comfortable and has no interest in changing that. But he will happily toss a line out for as long as you will bite.

honeytomb maybe you do understand how I feel since you ve been there.

I know this is how it is.I don't know if I ve been wiser than you, I'm 39.I just don't accept people disappearing that's why I managed not to respond or chase him.Maybe I ve been too romantic and naive to believe he would change his life based on what he was telling me.He pursued me and tried to upgrade our communication.I always had it in mind as something platonic with a respectable author.

 

I know what you re saying. I just don't get him disappearing then casually texting only to not pick up my calls when I just tried to clarify things because I didn't want this kind of mind games. He could have said it's over after THE talk before he disappeared.I wouldn't have said anything. I get his social status and his family never planned to have an affair or prolong it.That's why I asked him where we stand.I only wanted to really talk about everything and that's it.and I'm not given the chance.and his silence and not picking up my calls after him contacting me is hurtful and makes me feel as if I ve done something wrong.

 

I'm just wondering whether he ll reappear or give me some kind of explanation at some point.

It's been 3 weeks since his last casual text and him not picking up my calls.Getting stronger every day.

[stillafool]

He appears when he needs you and disappears when he doesn't. What happened is his home life is very good and he doesn't need you. What he wants is for you to keep quiet and be there when he needs you.

[anika99]

Thanks. I didn't keep doing it. Afterour discussion at Easter and his disappearance I didn't do anything.precisely because disappearing is something I don't accept.He had already done it before for few days only. When he texted 2 weeks later,I didn't reply and after the second one I told him about this casual contact meaning nothing.he said he cared and the only reason I called was because I wanted to clear the air and this kind of behavious is not accepted.either say something important or not.He didn't pick up so left it there.So I was left thinking does he want to be just friends now?Why couldn't he pick up the phone and talk as a 55-year old man?

He could just say it's over with respect when we had the discussion at Easter and asked him if he wants us to make a decision about continuing or not.Simple and nice.He is 55. I just expected a more decent and honest behaviour.That's all.

Some days I feel I should email him my feelings to find peace and some days I'm thinking the other way continue do nothing.

 

Well there's your mistake right there. Expecting decent honest behavior from a cheater. Your time was spent with him was based on dishonestly, deceitful, indecent behavior so why think he was going to suddenly be honest and decent. His wife would probably also appreciate some honest and decent behavior. Most cheaters avoid conflict and direct confrontations, that's why they cheat instead of divorcing or repairing their marriage.

 

Take this as a life lesson. When you see someone lying and deceiving someone expect that they will treat you the same. If I witnessed a friend being dishonest with another friend I sure as heck wouldn't expect honesty when it came to our friendship.

[angiep]

Well there's your mistake right there. Expecting decent honest behavior from a cheater. Your time was spent with him was based on dishonestly, deceitful, indecent behavior so why think he was going to suddenly be honest and decent. His wife would probably also appreciate some honest and decent behavior. Most cheaters avoid conflict and direct confrontations, that's why they cheat instead of divorcing or repairing their marriage.

 

Take this as a life lesson. When you see someone lying and deceiving someone expect that they will treat you the same. If I witnessed a friend being dishonest with another friend I sure as heck wouldn't expect honesty when it came to our friendship.

I know. He totally avoided confrontations or difficult discusssions with me after a certain point or his wife. Maybe I was too romantic and naive. We had just told from the start that whenever one of us didn't feel he could continue for whatever reason we would tell each other simply and clearly.no vagueness no disappearing and reappearing.I just expected that. We had discussed many times the difficulties of the situation he was telling me there was a talk between him and his wife to be that was necessary about their distance and their problems (don't know if that has happened, very much doubt it)and that was what I was waiting for at Easter to know if things would change or not. Never had an experience with a married man. Plus a famous one. He could have just said it's over and let me go on with my life. No disappearing then reappearing with vague texts only to disappear again when I just wanted to know what he wanted.

[Southern Sun]

I know. He totally avoided confrontations or difficult discusssions with me after a certain point or his wife. Maybe I was too romantic and naive. We had just told from the start that whenever one of us didn't feel he could continue for whatever reason we would tell each other simply and clearly.no vagueness no disappearing and reappearing.I just expected that. We had discussed many times the difficulties of the situation he was telling me there was a talk between him and his wife to be that was necessary about their distance and their problems (don't know if that has happened, very much doubt it)and that was what I was waiting for at Easter to know if things would change or not. Never had an experience with a married man. Plus a famous one. He could have just said it's over and let me go on with my life. No disappearing then reappearing with vague texts only to disappear again when I just wanted to know what he wanted.

 

It's not in his best interests to tell you what he wanted, because if he did, you would be outta there.

 

Vagueness and disappearing and reappearing and keeping a foothold in your life while not really being there is exactly the formula for keeping you on a string for if/when he might want you for more sex.

 

He doesn't want to have a nice, normal, adult conversation, because then he would be forced to tell you some really uncomfortable truths. He would rather make it appear that things are "difficult" and "complicated" and there are just these barriers to a normal R which make you feel that this is more romantic than it really is.

 

The very best thing you can do is block his access to you entirely. Just freeze him out and never talk to him again.

 

Oh, and be glad this didn't go any further. You could have wasted YEARS on this.

[elaine567]

Very few 55 year old men will leave the comfort, security and safety of their marital home to go and live with an OW. Too much to lose.

BUT many 55 yo men will be quite happy keeping a woman on the side.

[honeytomb]

What stillafool and SouthernSun said.

 

I thought it would be in my best interest to be honest, that it would show him he could trust me. I didn't want to play games, but men seem to love to. I never got too many honest or clarifying answers. He would be in love with me one minute and the next I wouldn't hear from him. He doesn't want to be straight with you because then you would know where you stand and he couldn't toy with you. I agree, writing out your feelings but not sending them is the best thing. It will make you feel better but you don't have to give him the emotional energy.

 

They do keep trying. If I show mine I am not swayed, he quickly loses interest. It's good that you haven't kept trying to reach out to yours. I am sorry to say you probably won't get the closure you are looking for as it doesn't matter to or benefit them.

 

I am glad you made your post. It has been nice to write to someone with a shared experience.

Edited June 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request ~T

[honeytomb]

Oh, and I also thought that he would be mature and straightforward because of his age but no, not the case at all.

Edited June 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request ~T

[angiep]

 

He doesn't want to have a nice, normal, adult conversation, because then he would be forced to tell you some really uncomfortable truths. He would rather make it appear that things are "difficult" and "complicated" and there are just these barriers to a normal R which make you feel that this is more romantic than it really is.

 

 

Totally agree with everything you re saying.

It's just that I ve wanted so much to have my say and I'm not given the chance. And him not picking up my calls after him contacting me is so incomprehensible to me. I mean his silence makes me feel as if I'm the guilty one.as if he is the nice one who wanted time and no pressure and I'm the one who didn't have the patience to wait for him make decisions etc.

It makes me wonder what has been real and what not.terrible feeling not to know that.

I never thought he would leave everything (even if I wanted to romanticize about it) I just didn't expect it to end so abruptly and in this way. Totally inexperienced in this kind of situations. I know it's good that it didnt drag any longer still it's hard not to be able to say anything.

I know that deep inside I hope he makes contact at some point so I can say what I want.nothing else.But I don't know if he will.

Edited June 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[angiep]

What stillafool and SouthernSun said.

 

I thought it would be in my best interest to be honest, that it would show him he could trust me. I didn't want to play games, but men seem to love to. I never got too many honest or clarifying answers. He would be in love with me one minute and the next I wouldn't hear from him. He doesn't want to be straight with you because then you would know where you stand and he couldn't toy with you. I agree, writing out your feelings but not sending them is the best thing. It will make you feel better but you don't have to give him the emotional energy.

 

They do keep trying. If I show mine I am not swayed, he quickly loses interest. It's good that you haven't kept trying to reach out to yours. I am sorry to say you probably won't get the closure you are looking for as it doesn't matter to or benefit them.

 

I am glad you made your post. It has been nice to write to someone with a shared experience.

 

Thanks honeytomb. I know you get how I feel.I'm glad we re sharing this.

I just didn't expect it to end this way, so abruptly.Don'tknow when the change of heart happened.After the weekend in his city when he felt it was getting deeper, more real an dmore complicated for him to exposed?his daughter or wife becoming suspicious?I know I won't get the answers.Maybe it's all these.

I ve written down my feelings and many days I'm tempted to send sth but I can't do it.Don't know why.I just hope deep inside that he ll contact one day and be given the chance to tell him sth.Not sure about that since it's been 1 month now his not picking up my calls after his reappearance.

I'm putting it behind me day by day still some days it hurts.

If I knew the end I would have never give in his pursuit of me. I would have kept a platonic friendly acquaintance.Because I did respect him as a writer and journalist before all these.

Edited June 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

It's just that I ve wanted so much to have my say and I'm not given the chance. And him not picking up my calls after him contacting me is so incomprehensible to me.

Affairs are often about power and control.

1. Power and Control

 

There is often an undercurrent of resentment in the cheater’s decision to have an affair, so affairs commonly have a retributive element to them. There are often power struggles within the marriage and even regular compromises can build resentment. In exploring these issues with cheaters directly, it is apparent how they often use the affair as a way to exercise their personal power in their lives – they’ve made a significant choice for themselves without having to consult their spouse or compromise their own desires.

During an affair, the cheater has all the control. They possess all the facts and decide who has access to that same level of information. They decide what they tell their spouse, what they tell the affair partner, and what the rules are for the affair. They withhold access to information that might give others power in the situation, and use that withholding to preserve their marriage while enjoying the escape and sanctuary the affair represents.

Whilst few will admit it, an affair is often the cheater’s own private rebellion against societal norms, familial expectations, religious teachings, and their obligations, fueled by their own dissatisfactions. This can covertly undermine the relational dynamic in which the cheater believes themselves trapped or in some way disadvantaged by their participation in that relationship.

~ the Infidelity Megafecta

 

[Southern Sun]

Totally agree with everything you re saying.

It's just that I ve wanted so much to have my say and I'm not given the chance. And him not picking up my calls after him contacting me is so incomprehensible to me. I mean his silence makes me feel as if I'm the guilty one.as if he is the nice one who wanted time and no pressure and I'm the one who didn't have the patience to wait for him make decisions etc.

It makes me wonder what has been real and what not.terrible feeling not to know that.

I never thought he would leave everything (even if I wanted to romanticize about it) I just didn't expect it to end so abruptly and in this way. Totally inexperienced in this kind of situations. I know it's good that it didnt drag any longer still it's hard not to be able to say anything.

I know that deep inside I hope he makes contact at some point so I can say what I want.nothing else.But I don't know if he will.

 

Yeah, see, this is a head-game. Whether he is very purposefully and skillfully doing it, I don't know. But my xMM did the same thing to me...or I did it to myself. He would treat me like crap, throwing me crumbs, and then I would get upset. He would stay "sweet" when he was giving the crumbs to me, which confused me, but I didn't like the terms of the relationship, so I was generally unhappy and would push back. It made me feel like I was the bad one or the one in the wrong, while he was always so kind and forgiving. It kept me in a very confused state.

 

I mean...wait a minute. What is wrong with this picture???

 

The issue was...he was perfectly happy with the terms. They were HIS TERMS. And he wanted to keep them that way, so he would be sweet and forgiving of my outbursts. But he would manage me down and not answer my emails when he didn't want to, because he needed to be in control.

 

From his perspective, if I got mad, so what? I stuck around. He would just shrug, as if that was all he had to offer, and then turn on the charm again.

 

I finally realized that I needed to take care of myself and stop wondering what he was thinking and why. He wasn't ever going to look out for me.