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My abridged story. It does get better.


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CantTakeMySmile

Hello there. I have been reading this forum for over a year now. I have gain a huge amount of insight into affairs and the most common outcomes.

 

 

I never wanted to write here, because honestly, I was embarrassed to even be in this position. But, I have accepted my responsibility and wanted to share part of my story, in hopes of others seeing that there is some semblance of light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

I was involved in an affair for over two years. Her wife knew of me and I was told they were separated and getting divorced. (This is a lesbian affair, btw, just in case pronouns seem off) My partner lived with me for most of a year. I was very much in love, and believed she was as well.

 

 

To sum it up, she ghosted me about 3 months ago. She has done this before, but never for this long. I tried to reach out to her for a few weeks, then I stopped.

 

 

I am still very much in love with her. And yes, it does suck. I think of her all the time. I don't know that I will EVER truly be over her. What she showed me while we were together was what I wanted. We had talked of marriage etc.

 

 

So, with that being said, it slowly gets better. I felt like I was in the darkest place...slowly, without me even noticing, things were getting lighter. One day, I noticed a glimmer of the sun. And now, I see a bit of the sunlight around me.

 

 

I am not 100 percent. But the anxiety of when will the next text come has dissipated some. The desire to text has become almost null. Having to know the answers to my questions is no longer existence. I realize I have all the answers I need. Why she did something, or said something, or what she meant by her actions... NO LONGER MATTER! And I am not saying this because I am mad... it is just true... It doesn't make a difference as to the "whys". And I hate this expression, but "it is what it is".

 

 

I haven't blocked her number, I haven't blocked her social media. I did deactivate my facebook. But, I didn't feel the need to do any of the other things. I know it may not have been the "right" way to do it, but it was my way.

 

 

These are the few things that have helped me. I have stayed busy. From morning to night, I am constantly moving. I have learned to cook. I have learned to garden. I have started jogging and working out again. I am learning woodworking and am taking classes for a job promotion. But, the biggest thing that has helped me is PUTTING DOWN THE PHONE AND WALKING AWAY! I highly suggest you try it, if you are having the urges to call/text. I usually check my phone twice a day, in the morning and before bed. It is not necessary for me to be accessible to ANYONE 24 hours a day. Remember when we just had house phones? Well, that is how I treat my cellphone. It stops the habit. It stops the anxiety that goes along with waiting for a text or wanting to text. For me, it let me control something. It let me control my surrounding so I was not tempted.

 

 

A few nights ago, I actually got breadcrumbs from her via a social media site. It felt weird. I did nothing, which I guess felt good. It did, for a moment, feel like I had some "power" back. But, who cares about power when you are in love? LOL

 

 

I guess the gist of this is... hang in there.... it sucks. It feels like you cant breathe, cant eat, cant sleep, and don't even want to live. But just keep moving (and put down the phone, lol) and you will start to feel not as bad... until one day you see the sun a bit...

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BreakingWave

Thank you for posting. I felt like the only lesbian here for a while (not that it's a horrible thing, everyone on this forum has been so lovely and supportive!) and of course, my AP is a straight, married woman. I can't imagine ever letting go of our relationship - the A or the friendship that predates it. Lately I've been looking at it like an addiction, too, and I think the analogy is a good one.

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Jersey born raised

Odd how similar same sex relationships by simply changing pronouns read like a heterosexual relationship. I often wonder how this would/play out going forward. "Married with Children" expored this aspect and stay at home spouses. AL's friendship with a gay man who was everything his wife was not. Yes Al's dream wife was a man with extra equipment. His relationship with Marcy always cracked me up. Hating each other one moment, the next sinking into a shared dispair over their marriages.

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  • 6 months later...
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CantTakeMySmile

I just reread this that I wrote in May, and I barely remember writing it.

 

 

I am glad I found it as I needed to read this.... because I am back in the heartbreak boat again.... :(

 

 

She came back... with every thing I could have asked for... and guess what? You got it! She ghosted me again. You would think that it wouldn't hurt as much, but I think it hurts even more. And adding to the fact that I feel like a complete idiot to let her come back... it just sucks!

 

 

The worse part is I STILL want her back. That makes me a certifiable IDIOT I guess!! I just love her... I make excuses for her all the time.. I actually think she does have a personality disorder, for numerous reasons. But, I know I have to stop worrying about her feelings and thoughts and start worrying about mine. SOMEBODY has to, right?

 

 

Anyway.. I saw my old post, and I look forward to getting back to that point again. But, it won't be today. Today, I am sad and missing her... a lot. I haven't tried to contact her in five days. And now the thought of actually contacting her creates a ton of anxiety because I know she will just ignore me.

 

 

Ghosting someone is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone, I think.

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You can't fix people. Block everything, change your number, email, and never call her again. Ghosting is to common in this brave new world, however sometimes, one must do it to get rid of the other person.

 

If she ghosts you, ghost her back. Disappear like Casper the Christmas Ghost. Poof.

 

i'm sorry you're going through this. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

 

Get her off the pedestal. She's just a chick and realize it's hopeless. Work on yourself.

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CantTakeMySmile

Yes! That is exactly what I NEED to do. Especially the part about getting he off a pedestal.

 

 

I just really want to get to the ANGER part. I have never really gotten to that place with her, and I don't understand why. I get to a numb place, but then back to just sad.

 

 

Being SAD is a hard emotion. Anger is much easier. I have never been this complacent before in a relationship. I am usually the more outspoken one... so this is a new place for me... and I can't say I like it.

 

 

At some point, I just can't wait for the apathy to come. That is where I want to be.

 

 

She won't come get her things, or text me about dropping them off. She won't give me my things back. I know that sounds trite, but I have a ton of her things. They are all boxed up and ready to go. I can live without anything she has of mine. So, after Christmas, I will just donate her things I guess.

 

 

All of that is really immaterial, I just want to feel good again. I want to stop thinking of her and missing her.

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Yes! That is exactly what I NEED to do. Especially the part about getting he off a pedestal.

 

 

I just really want to get to the ANGER part. I have never really gotten to that place with her, and I don't understand why. I get to a numb place, but then back to just sad.

 

 

Being SAD is a hard emotion. Anger is much easier. I have never been this complacent before in a relationship. I am usually the more outspoken one... so this is a new place for me... and I can't say I like it.

 

 

At some point, I just can't wait for the apathy to come. That is where I want to be.

 

 

She won't come get her things, or text me about dropping them off. She won't give me my things back. I know that sounds trite, but I have a ton of her things. They are all boxed up and ready to go. I can live without anything she has of mine. So, after Christmas, I will just donate her things I guess.

 

 

All of that is really immaterial, I just want to feel good again. I want to stop thinking of her and missing her.

 

Let me give you some advice. Donate her stuff today. You need to take ACTION in your life. If she comes by, there's hope. If you had cancer, you'd want it cut out today right? Same thing.

 

Stuff is just stuff, if she picks it up, you'll have communication. You don't want that.

 

Apathy takes a long time. Instead of being angry or sad, spoil yourself and do something that will make you feel good. The best revenge is a great life for yourself.

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CantTakeMySmile

That is a great analogy! Cut off the tumor!

 

 

She has two clothes of clothes, shoes, jewelry, art supplies, etc. there. I can always sit it on the porch for her when I am out of town.

 

 

Have a fun weekend planned and fun new years plans so that will be good.

 

 

I know you are supposed to keep busy, and I do. But, damn, that makes me tired! LOL. And having to be "on" when you are around people all the time wears me out. I need time to be in my own head.... but it is a double edged sword as these are the times that it hurts the most.

 

 

At least I don't feel the need to text her anymore. That is a relief. That is always a downward spiral for me. I will text once.. then think of something else I need to say... then have to text again... and repeat.

 

 

I hated that part.

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Great to hear that you're staying busy, Keep it up:bunny:

 

Nope, donate the stuff. You don't want it around to remind you of her. As long as it's around it's a reminder

 

Consider it the price she pays for not having enough respect for you to break it off via communication. Not once, twice!

 

What's the worst that will happen, she might get mad? Who cares? Look at the misery she has put you through. If you saw a film of someone treating you poorly and watched how upset you were, would you turn it off? Same thing.

 

Don't forget to change your number and email. And block her from everything.

 

You'll get through this.

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To my way of thinking, there is something inherently cruel about someone who is not yet finished with one relationship starting another one, and leading the new person to believe they will soon be a "free agent". It's just another way of using people.

 

Is it possible that she used your relationship as an "exit affair", and now that she sees herself as free, she wants to explore all her options?

 

I guess, in the end, it really doesn't mater. You have been hurt, and that's not right.

 

You sound like a strong individual with a lot of common sense. It's just been sidetracked. If she can't get her ( expletive deleted) together,, that is on her and not you. Even if she were to come back to you tomorrow, do you feel like you could ever really trust her as a relationship partner and maybe wife someday, or would you always be on guard?

 

Is that really how you want to spend your time, energy and love?

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I just reread this that I wrote in May, and I barely remember writing it.

 

 

I am glad I found it as I needed to read this.... because I am back in the heartbreak boat again.... :(

 

 

She came back... with every thing I could have asked for... and guess what? You got it! She ghosted me again. You would think that it wouldn't hurt as much, but I think it hurts even more. And adding to the fact that I feel like a complete idiot to let her come back... it just sucks!

 

 

The worse part is I STILL want her back. That makes me a certifiable IDIOT I guess!! I just love her... I make excuses for her all the time.. I actually think she does have a personality disorder, for numerous reasons. But, I know I have to stop worrying about her feelings and thoughts and start worrying about mine. SOMEBODY has to, right?

 

 

Anyway.. I saw my old post, and I look forward to getting back to that point again. But, it won't be today. Today, I am sad and missing her... a lot. I haven't tried to contact her in five days. And now the thought of actually contacting her creates a ton of anxiety because I know she will just ignore me.

 

 

Ghosting someone is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone, I think.

 

Agree. But it's on that person, not you. She's shown you her true colors. She's shown you she's not a good person. You don't want that in your life.

 

There might come a day when you realize they did you a favor when they ghosted you...it just doesn't feel like that day will come.

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CantTakeMySmile

wmacbride... At this point, I don't really feel like I can trust her. Justifiably so, I believe. I think if she came back and we moved in together, I would want to try. But, that is not going to happen. I don't think she is seeing someone else, she hasn't she we started almost three years ago now.

 

 

The last text I received from her was that she was thankful for me and loved me. That was Thanksgiving day. WTF? Who does that?

 

 

deadsoul (what an appropriate name for my feelings this morning)... I can not wait for that day to come.

 

 

Today, I am hurting so far. I am just going to try to turn it around. I keep telling myself that just because I continue thinking about it doesn't change anything. My thoughts are constant and cause me much anxiety. I guess I feel like if I am thinking about it, then I am "doing" something. I know it makes no sense. There is nothing I can "do" or even NEED to do... but my brain keeps working overtime.

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You need to be the one to take action to cut ties. Since you are not doing that, you need to ask yourself why.

 

(You know why).

 

But if you can force yourself to, even though it will give you a great deal of anxiety, you at least won't feel like such a victim. Do you guys live very far apart? What's the big deal with packing up all her stuff and dropping it on her front porch? Heck, throw it in her yard. Can you do that? Or shipping it to her? Yeah, it will cost you some money, but then it is out of your life and off your hands. I would struggle with donating it because I would think, it's her stuff, she might want it back. Well, problem solved.

 

So the tie is cut. Some might think sending her something is communicating with her, but if it's just a box of stuff with no message, it's not. It's closure.

 

Certainly her coming back to you and then leaving without saying anything is cruel. Take the bull by the horns and send her on her way.

 

ETA: when you are normally outspoken in an R and suddenly complacent in one, it is telltale of a new power dynamic, one you aren't accustomed to. Whether she is personality disordered or not, no one knows. But she certainly has had the control. For your own sake...do something different.

Edited by Southern Sun
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CantTakeMySmile

Southern Sun.... you are so right....

 

 

It is so freaking hard.... but I will do it.

 

 

I will do it. I WILL DO IT.

 

 

I HAVE to.....

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CantTakeMySmile

It will be a couple of truck loads of things. But, I guess I will drop it off. I just don't want to run into her. Ugh! I will find the strength. I have to.

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If you cna't give them back to her, can you donate them to a local charity? That way, you can feel good that you have helped someone else, along with yourself.

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CantTakeMySmile

I can donate which I was originally going to do. I don’t know... I am out of town every weekend until January 15.... so until then I will just let it sit. It has been here for three years so I guess another month won’t matter.

 

I guess I will text her and let her know I will drop off in her driveway. That way I won’t see her.

 

It all seems so small compared to my heart. I mean it is just stuff.

 

I wish I could drop off my heart in her yard as well.

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I can donate which I was originally going to do. I don’t know... I am out of town every weekend until January 15.... so until then I will just let it sit. It has been here for three years so I guess another month won’t matter.

 

I guess I will text her and let her know I will drop off in her driveway. That way I won’t see her.

 

It all seems so small compared to my heart. I mean it is just stuff.

 

I wish I could drop off my heart in her yard as well.

 

Two truck loads...that is a lot of stuff.

 

Do you have a supportive friend who could help you?

 

Here's another idea. Text her and tell her she has 5 days (or 3 days, whatever), to come get all of her things. If she doesn't within the allotted timeframe (NO EXCEPTIONS), you will donate everything to charity.

 

NO EXCEPTIONS. She has left her crap with you for three years. I mean, NO EXCEPTIONS.

 

You can give her a week if you want. The point is not to extend this for a long time. You shouldn't have to keep living with it.

 

The next thing I would do is, have all of her stuff sitting in your front yard, or on your porch, or in your garage. Somewhere so she doesn't have to come in your house. And when she comes, you be GONE. Tell her you want notice so that you know when she's coming, so you can have her stuff ready. And be outta there.

 

And if she doesn't show up, donation time.

 

The only other way is for you to dump all of her stuff at her house at a time when she is normally not home. Or in the middle of the night! Does she have dogs?? (No, I haven't done this before, lol).

 

But if you do this, get a friend to help you. You shouldn't have to be alone.

 

Hugs.

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CantTakeMySmile

I have asked her in the past to get her things. She never has.

 

When we have been “on”, I asked why and she said she didn’t want to let go. I have even asked her best friend to come get it.

 

So, with that being said... depending on her to get it, is NOT going to happen.

 

She has four dogs. She works from home. But, I can still drop it off. I will probably have my best friend with me. But, honestly, part of me feels like I want to do it myself .. for myself... to be strong enough.. I think that will feel more liberating.

 

I serious doubt she would come outside anyway.

 

I don’t want to donate as that seems petty. And I don’t want to be.

 

We have never fought and certainly not because of something I have done. I want to “keep my nose clean” as I have no regrets of anything I have done to cause this... so want to keep it that way.

 

I will do it. I can do it.

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DO NOT TEXT HER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. When she doesn't reply, the scab will be ripped open again.

 

It's not petty. Who cares what she thinks of you? Why would you care? It's for YOU to move on with YOUR life. Big Brother and Big Sister in the US call me all the time saying they're in the area on x date for pickup.

 

Call the Salvation Army, Big Brother, Goodwill. Someone will benefit from it.

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CantTakeMySmile

I have been to her door, ring the bell, and she didn’t answer.

It wasn’t odd for me to come over... I went by everyday after work...then just doesn’t answer the door...

 

Point is... an unanswered text message.... meh!

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CantTakeMySmile

I have great plans this weekend. And actually through middle of January.

 

Good!? Right?

 

Just sucks. Miss her. Making three presents before Christmas for my fiends. That takes a lot of time... and keeps my thoughts busy. Plus I am learning to build things, so good.

 

Anyway... I just wish she was with me, being in her background... doing her thing... she is super creative....and creating together...

 

What the **** ever! Sorry, just had to vent. L

 

And even venting here makes me feel pathetic!

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CantTakeMySmile

I write here only to try to regain sanity.

 

Where does the Love go? I don’t ask this rhetorically. I want to know. I mean, I feel as I have always loved her. So..what do I do with that now?

 

I met her 25 plus years ago and fell for her. It was nothing but friendship until she sought me out 3 years ago. But there has been something there since I met her.

 

Now, I am letting her go... physically...emotionally... but the love is there.

 

So, seriously... what happens to that? Maybe I am too much of a romantic?

 

I am not the person to share with people...maybe one or two...well, just one.. but vaguely...I never have felt comfortable sharing intimate issues...

 

So... I ask here... what do I do with this love??

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