Blu72 Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 So MM and I have not seen each other in about 4 months, not for the lack of his trying anyway. We still communicate via email. The times he has attempted to make plans with me I at the last minute either had something come up or I would make up an excuse. I made up excuses, not because I dont want to see him, but I guess I'm trying to detach from this. Im trying to detach from him so I can get to the point where I feel strong enough to have a discussion with him about ending. So I get this email today from him and he tells me that he is attending an event that I have to attend for reasons I'd rather not get into here. I am freaking out - straight on panic attack. Im waiting for a response from him on the details of why he is attending because that will tell me if I will just see him for a quick hello exchange OR if I will actually have to interact with him as part of the event. And of course I fear the worst. He of course is happy that he might see me even if just a quick wave/hello. Me I'm going crazy playing this all out in my head. Im trying to come up with ways to get out of this event but I really have to attend. And if I do see him I know I will be a babbling fool because I will be so nervous for some stupid reason. Ugh...what should I do??? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 Seeing as how it's been 4 months, why not go ahead and end it with him while you're there? Are you so weak that he'll talk you into bed? Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 preplan what you're going to say Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 We won't be able to talk in a personal manner other than just hello and conversation in relation to the event. So Im not worried about that. Im worried about the setback of seeing him especially if its for more than just a quick hello. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 No time for dinner or a drink after? Write your breakup speech, rehearse it, give it, done and done. Pay for the drink. Don't worry about it being difficult. It's always difficult. But it's do-able. Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 hence the panic and anxiety. What are you afraid of? Something is making you fearful ... Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 (edited) Are you married as well? If so, does your husband know about your affair? Those are relevant questions. Depending on what your husband knows, having him join you at the conference might be a smart idea. If you haven't seen him in 4 months, I don't see why you'd need to have a "discussion" about anything. How would that help either of you. A "having to have a discussion" about ending a relationship such as this, just means "we are supposed to end this and we say we will end this but we really won't". Anyway, my answer would be: I'd still find some way to get out of this event. Come down with a family emergency or an attack of appendicitis or something. You're an adult, you don't really "have to" do anything (except maybe for jury duty in the US). It's work, which is important, but your emotional sanity is far more important. Edited May 23, 2017 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 Its work related...so I have to attend. Him attending was a major surprise, because normally he would not be there but for some reason his company is attending. I just got his reply...Still not completely sure the nature of him being there, but sounds like it will just be a quick hello. He did say he would text me when he was free to say hi when he is there. Ugh I just dont want to see him right now. Im really trying to come up with a reason NOT to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 Will your husband be there? Or have you resolved that issue? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 I vote for bringing your H or getting out of it. Seeing him is going to be really tough and you may not be strong enough to do that yet, as it sounds like you haven't officially ended things. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 Is it out of the question to send a final e mail to this mm and tell him you are finished? If you are still in contact with him...if he is still making dates that you are making excuses to get out of...then what is keeping you from just ending it here and now? You dont have to wait to see him face to face in a place of business. Tell him now that you no longer want to be a part of his life. I know it will be hard to pull the plug...but it sounds like you want to and are afraid. It will never be easy...but you need to do what is right. Especially if you are both married to other people.( I dont know your back story) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 Sorry for the confusion, its a work related event. Business only during the day. Why I was stressing is because I may have to interact with him via a presentation of sorts. Which would be extremely ackward for me having him there during that. But again, Im not entirely sure if he will be participating in that portion of the day. Most likely I will just see him quickly walking by with his team and get away with just a quick wave and hello before he has to move on to the portion of the event he is attending. I'm trying to get more info from him to see what my next move is. If Im just going to see him in passing I can get by I think. But if he is going to be engaged in the same part of the event I am partaking in then I think I have a way to get out of going. He made it clear he wanted to see me after for a little bit before he leaves, but I will make myself busy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 Is it out of the question to send a final e mail to this mm and tell him you are finished? If you are still in contact with him...if he is still making dates that you are making excuses to get out of...then what is keeping you from just ending it here and now? You dont have to wait to see him face to face in a place of business. Tell him now that you no longer want to be a part of his life. I know it will be hard to pull the plug...but it sounds like you want to and are afraid. It will never be easy...but you need to do what is right. Especially if you are both married to other people.( I dont know your back story) Everything you are saying is correct. I've just been really struggling with finding the words to tell him. Part of it is because a part of me doesnt want to lose him, but I know I have to. Yes we are both married and this has been an on/off thing between us for 5 years. I will be doing good for the most part detaching and then something like this comes up and sets me back. I had the perfect opportunity to tell him a few weeks ago. He emailed me and unknowingly said something that opened the door for me to end it. And then I froze. Couldn't find the words. Pathetic I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 Everything you are saying is correct. I've just been really struggling with finding the words to tell him. Part of it is because a part of me doesnt want to lose him, but I know I have to. Yes we are both married and this has been an on/off thing between us for 5 years. I will be doing good for the most part detaching and then something like this comes up and sets me back. I had the perfect opportunity to tell him a few weeks ago. He emailed me and unknowingly said something that opened the door for me to end it. And then I froze. Couldn't find the words. Pathetic I know. The words to tell him are not the issue....its the courage...and i know how hard it is...but time wont make it any easier. Does your husband know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 No my husband does not know. You are right - I have the words not the courage. The words have been playing out in my head for a very long time so I have them. Its mustering up the courage that is difficult for me. And just when I think Im there or have that opportunity I freeze. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 He's not your boss is he? If not how does he get to dictate what you do work wise? . Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 Do you think it might be time to tell him? Do you think he should know who he is married to? I am guessing the betrayed wife doesn't know either right? oh the webs we weave. Can you tell me...what are you afraid you are going to lose by ending this relationship with this man? Are you as afraid you might also lose your husband? Have you never been afraid that the affair would end your marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 He's not your boss is he? If not how does he get to dictate what you do work wise? . No we work for different companies. We will be at the same business related event and if he attends the portion I am partcipating in then I will have to interact with him more than just a causual quicck hello. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 Do you think it might be time to tell him? Do you think he should know who he is married to? I am guessing the betrayed wife doesn't know either right? oh the webs we weave. Can you tell me...what are you afraid you are going to lose by ending this relationship with this man? Are you as afraid you might also lose your husband? Have you never been afraid that the affair would end your marriage? No one knows. And right now I am not planning on telling my husband. Not something I am willing to discuss here at this time. I dont know what I'm afraid of when it comes to ending this to be honest. Maybe I'm afraid of the pain that comes with ending it. If I ended it I know he would respect my decision and let me go if that was what I wanted. He is not going to end it, it has to come from me. I know this. But my heart is struggling. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 Do you want your marriage more than you want this man? Link to post Share on other sites
ztmymmy Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 If it's been going on for 5 years, with no-one knowing and suspecting a thing, are your spouses checked out?Why not discuss at least an open marriage, if not divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 No one knows. And right now I am not planning on telling my husband. Not something I am willing to discuss here at this time. I dont know what I'm afraid of when it comes to ending this to be honest. Maybe I'm afraid of the pain that comes with ending it. If I ended it I know he would respect my decision and let me go if that was what I wanted. He is not going to end it, it has to come from me. I know this. But my heart is struggling. Blu you've been posting here three years and have made absolutely no progress. Don't you think it's time to do something different? I followed your posts when you first started, I've rarely read you mention anything in your life other then mm. It seems all consuming. Honestly, in my opinion, you won't stop until you get caught. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 I guess I dont understand how you can live a double life for so long. How can you live in constant fear of getting caught and everything blowing up...for years? I would be an emotional wreck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Share Posted May 24, 2017 Blu you've been posting here three years and have made absolutely no progress. Don't you think it's time to do something different? I followed your posts when you first started, I've rarely read you mention anything in your life other then mm. It seems all consuming. Honestly, in my opinion, you won't stop until you get caught. Yes, Ive been posting here for 3 years with 250 posts - so its not like Im here everyday posting about this. Hardly. And yes I already know your feelings on the subject and of me -remember you private messaged me out of no where when I first came here to let me know your thoughts and how you already knew me after only 1-2 posts? Your opinion of me was noted then and now. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted May 24, 2017 Author Share Posted May 24, 2017 I guess I dont understand how you can live a double life for so long. How can you live in constant fear of getting caught and everything blowing up...for years? I would be an emotional wreck. Not that it matters, but like I said its been on/off. There have been chunks of time where we werent even in contact. So it wasnt going on the entire 5 years. Again not that that makes a difference just stating that for reference. Link to post Share on other sites
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