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For those in NC. Did the need for answers ever stop?


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Jammydodger7

A bit of background as I've not been here in a while. 18 month agfair on and off. I'm the single OW. He is married and a coworker. I got out of a very messy relationship with a man I have no doubt was a sociopath. There were other women involved. I found out and the pain was excruciating l. Committed to moving on, improving my boundaries, loving myself. Then MM happened. I think I always loved him. But I fell in love with him. 8 months ago, he claimed he was leaving. He wanted to be with me 100%. We started our affair again. Almost weekly, I'd break down. Give him an out. But he always convinced me it was me he wanted. I believed he would leave, he was so certain. But it blew up in my face. Same old story. He can't leave for the kids, still wants me yada yada.

 

I've been LC for a week. I'm already improving. I know I need to focus on myself again. Boundaries, why I did it, the guilt towards W and loving myself again. But I can't help the burning need for answers. I want to know how he could do it. He's a good man deep down. But his actions towards me and his family have been poor. Why would he say he loved me? Was it something I'm lacking that meant he couldn't leave? Was it confusion? Jealousy that I might move on? It can't be as simple as him one day - no DDay - just making the decision that he couldn't leave his kids. So what was it?

 

I know I'll never get the answers I feel I need. I know I don't want to break LC to ask these. I know getting the same answers all over again will bring me down and that I will be hurting myself. How do I come to acceptance and understanding so I can move forward in my recovery?

 

Thanks for reading x

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As much as you want these answers you are aware enough to realize you will never get them. He probably doesn't have the words.

 

 

What you really want is closure. That comes from you over time.

 

 

Hang in there. For something to do, consider polishing your resume. Perhaps a new job & a fresh start will help you move forward.

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Bittersweetie

Yes, the need for answers stopped. I finally realized there were questions I was never going to know the answer to...in all aspects of my life, not just xAP. So then I let the questions go. I can only control me and my reactions to the world and I didn't want to waste any more time wondering about answers I was never going to hear. It takes time but it will happen. Good luck.

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Yes the need for answers does stop, it gets easier the more you can go on without talking. Being its a coworker that makes it so much harder.

 

At first you'll be pissed and want your answers, then hurt and want them, then think "how could he/she do this" and so on but eventually it will get easier. Once your brain starts to function without heart interference you will be able to rationalize some things. If he REALLY loved you like he claims he wouldn't be doing this to you, I'm sure he loves you on some level but....you saw yourself how it ended for you.

 

I read on here a post that said "new contact means new hurt"....so if you break that contact well expect a new hurt.

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As somebody who has had many chats with MM since it ended, and got lots of 'answers', I can honestly say it probably won't help. At some point you fully realise their capability to deceive (on some level you already know this as you have seen them do it to their WS regularly) and then you realise that the answers you've been given aren't worth very much.

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freengreen

The questions were many... answers never came

 

And then one day I realised it didnt matter because it is better to let these memories die, why ponder on them when all they gave is fake happiness and real pain?

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It's a never ending vicious cycle of questions and attempting to get answers. Sometimes I will get the answers and then I'm either feeling dissatisfied and/or suspicious of the answers he gives. It's a constant state of doubt and paranoia (at times).

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See, this is a trick question. "For those in NC..."

 

As what point does NC change from a mission to the status quo? That is to say, you don't even consider it NC any longer?

 

For me, the wondering stopped when I fell out of love for the first time, not with her, but with the one after her. #2 and I went out for two years, and things started getting rough, and then worse, and she broke up with me by cheating on me. I knew her pretty well, that was not her, and I knew that sex made her emotions get involved. I knew it was a calculated move to detach from me. It killed me and but I didn't have that many questions, except about how I might fix things.

 

Anyway, a couple months later, I woke up one morning and I felt indifferent to her. I knew immediately that I didn't really care any more, that I was fine. I thought about #1 that day, and I wondered if my indifference was a blanket immunity, did it extend to her too? No, I could tell, it didn't. I still pined for her whenever I thought about her, and it hurt to replay our ending in my head. Naturally, I wondered why it had to end. Almost immediately, the answer was indifference.

 

I started asking all the other questions I had. Why had she been so cold? Why did it end so suddenly? Why did she never call me again? How could she walk away so easily? The answer was how I was feeling for #2. Indifference. Indifference. Indifference. Indifference. It sucked, but everything made sense to me. Whatever had just happened to me had happened to her too.

 

There was one question at the end that indifference didn't answer. Why did she get so mad at me when I left? People told me it was because I didn't resist, I didn't beg, fight for the relationship, none of that stuff. I just said goodbye. That explanation always seemed like wishful thinking to me, especially now that I had the indifference model in my head. Anyway, I never did figure that one out, but having figured out the rest, it didn't much matter to me.

 

Although I never saw either #1 or #2 again, I count that day as the first day I wasn't worried about NC anymore. It was now just Day 1 of situation normal. And that's why you've asked a trick question.

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You know, Jammydodger... sometimes the other person can't answer the questions you have because they lack awareness. It is frustrating to ask and then realize that he or she is not answering or are giving ambiguous responses because they haven't been thinking of things the way we have.

 

For me, many questions have remained, but I answer them all myself. I journal. When I am really upset, I talk out loud to "him"... sometimes I talk out loud to myself, too. I have found that self-compassion has been a wonderful stand-in, both for answering these unanswered questions AND for rebuilding the self-esteem I nonchalantly tossed aside during the affair.

Edited by Vivir
Mistake
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I often see posts where the MW/MM has disappeared quickly without much explanation, throwing the OM/OW under the bus and not willing to answer all "those" questions and basically ghosting. This understandably leads to great upset, heartbreak and the need for closure.

 

But we also see the complete opposite, and my A fitted into this category. The APs spend months separating - discussing and analysing why a, b and c isn't possible due to x, y and z. The same questions and answers are trotted out each time causing more tears, pain, anger and frustration each time. The relationship eventually crumbles and everyone is heartbroken.

 

What I have noticed is that, general, the people in category b get no more closure than those in category a. They may have had answers, but they weren't the answers that they wanted to hear - and the tenth time they hear them is no less painful than the first. Indeed, dragging the end out only led to false hope, extra frustration and lots of wasted time.

 

Whichever category you fit into - the two I've described or somewhere between, closure isn't likely to come from the xAP. As others have said, it comes from within....eventually.

 

Good luck everyone - we can do this together.

Edited by jenkins95
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Following on from my last post, I would just say to those of you who have not been given answers by your AP and are now out of the A needing closure, to try and see it like a blessing in disguise, however illogical and counter-intuitive that may feel. I am in no way minimising the awful pain you are experiencing.

 

The reason I say this is that this situation, although shi**y, is far better than when the MM/MW has no intention of leaving their marriage but won't let you go either - classic cake eaters. Look at the threads of OWs who are being kept in limbo, sometimes for years, surviving on breadcrumbs and false hope, dispensed by the MW/MM when they feel like it and on their terms - pulling and pushing and controlling the other person like a puppet on a string.

 

This truly is a pitiful situation to be in, and the authors of those threads often give the impression of dying a slow, gradual and painful death, day by miserable day. At least when the AP is gone, we have no choice but to eventually accept that it's over and move on with our lives, however excruciatingly painful the first months may be.

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Jammydodger7
You know, Jammydodger... sometimes the other person can't answer the questions you have because they lack awareness. It is frustrating to ask and then realize that he or she is not answering or are giving ambiguous responses because they haven't been thinking of things the way we have.

 

For me, many questions have remained, but I answer them all myself. I journal. When I am really upset, I talk out loud to "him"... sometimes I talk out loud to myself, too. I have found that self-compassion has been a wonderful stand-in, both for answering these unanswered questions AND for rebuilding the self-esteem I nonchalantly tossed aside during the affair.

 

 

Thank you all for your replies, I've read them over a few times and I will continue to do so! It's crazy how just being able to talk to people who have been in similar places helps so much.

 

Vivir, this is exactly what I've started to see in exMM. A huge lack of self awareness, inability to look inwards and really assess what's going on for him emotionally. And of course, that means he cannot see things from my point of view as well! I am trying to slowly build the self love through speaking to myself compassionately, so your post really resonated with me. It sounds mad, but I will have conversations with myself in my head, turning the thoughts of worthlessness and despair around and giving myself pep talks when needed.

 

Today's been a particularly hard day for NC, but I knew this would come - we have good and bad days. I'm going to journal before bed, all the questions I have, I will write down, and then explain to myself why there is simply no point in going to him with them.

 

Thank you x

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Jammydodger7
I often see posts where the MW/MM has disappeared quickly without much explanation, throwing the OM/OW under the bus and not willing to answer all "those" questions and basically ghosting. This understandably leads to great upset, heartbreak and the need for closure.

 

But we also see the complete opposite, and my A fitted into this category. The APs spend months separating - discussing and analysing why a, b and c isn't possible due to x, y and z. The same questions and answers are trotted out each time causing more tears, pain, anger and frustration each time. The relationship eventually crumbles and everyone is heartbroken.

 

What I have noticed is that, general, the people in category b get no more closure than those in category a. They may have had answers, but they weren't the answers that they wanted to hear - and the tenth time they hear them is no less painful than the first. Indeed, dragging the end out only led to false hope, extra frustration and lots of wasted time.

 

Whichever category you fit into - the two I've described or somewhere between, closure isn't likely to come from the xAP. As others have said, it comes from within....eventually.

 

Good luck everyone - we can do this together.

 

Jenkins, I lurk here quite often so I've become familiar with your kind approach and wisdom :). Thank you for taking the time to write the above. You're completely right, I could go back and forwards, all the time giving him the knowledge that I am still hurting and vulnerable, or I could just accept it and move on alone.

 

I know that i will not achieve any new answers from him unfortunately. But even if I did...would it make me move on easier? Would I believe them? ...probably not. I also know I don't want to waste any more of my life. I have so much love to give to the right person. I want kids, maybe marriage one day. And he does not deserve my love right now and cannot give me those things. Your post stopped me from contacting him with more of the same questions today - so thank you x

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I agree with others here. You will never get the answers from him and you will learn to accept that. You will have to find them within yourself.

 

I'm not an OW, but was in an A for over 5 years as a BS. You can find my story here somewhere.

 

My clarity really started when I found a new therapist and returned to IC. I've only been twice so far, and already I'm beginning to feel like a new person. I'm letting go of that gnawing need for answers from him. I'm getting them with my therapist and within myself.

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I asked xMM how he lived a lie for 8 years.

 

He said he could not explain it to anybody, because he didn't understand it himself. I'll never know if that was true.

 

So that was the end of that discussion.

 

I don't think about answers any more. Neither should anybody else.

 

Poppy.

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Jenkins, I lurk here quite often so I've become familiar with your kind approach and wisdom :). Thank you for taking the time to write the above. You're completely right, I could go back and forwards, all the time giving him the knowledge that I am still hurting and vulnerable, or I could just accept it and move on alone.

 

I know that i will not achieve any new answers from him unfortunately. But even if I did...would it make me move on easier? Would I believe them? ...probably not. I also know I don't want to waste any more of my life. I have so much love to give to the right person. I want kids, maybe marriage one day. And he does not deserve my love right now and cannot give me those things. Your post stopped me from contacting him with more of the same questions today - so thank you x

 

Thanks for the nice message (((Jammy)))!

 

I can tell from your posts that you "have so much love to give to the right person." You seem really lovely and intelligent and some guy out there is going to be very lucky! Well done for finding clarity in your mind about MM and that the quest for closure from the AP is usually fruitless. You will get there, I know you will!

 

I'm so proud of you that you didn't reach out to him today - well done, you were so strong! If my message helped clarify that, then I am really glad!

 

You took your power back!

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Southern Sun

I agree, that closure comes from within. But that statement mystified me for a long time.

 

Jenkins made a point that even those with a long, drawn-out goodbye, with questions and answers and back and forth, don't feel they have 'closure.' It's true. In my opinion, closure is not actually the act of getting answers; it is the act of letting go.

 

Somewhere along the way, I let go. I let go of my need for answers. I let go of my wish for what 'could have been.' I let go of my desire for him to make things better; for him to be better.

 

I can't tell you exactly what did it, because I don't think one can MAKE themselves let go. I spent a lot of time journaling. I answered many of the questions for myself (probably going to the extreme and then coming back to a middle ground). I thought about my own contributions to the issues. I put time and distance between us. I realized he was Just A Man.

 

And one day, I realized that my heart did not long for him anymore, and perhaps had not for some time. I had let go. Closure.

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eye of the storm

Jammie, I actually got answers. And, I'm pretty sure they were honest.

 

 

He asked for a divorce, she trotted out the financials, he weighed which meant more to him....I lost.

 

 

So, I got answers. And they didn't help at all. It still hurts.

 

 

With my xH, I never got answers.

 

 

In both situations, the answers, or lack of, were not what mattered. Realizing the reality of what happened, didn't change because of the answers. Knowing/not knowing is not going to change the actions they (and you) took.

 

 

Learning from history does not require you to understand their actions, only yours. Why did you do what you did. Why did you allow what you allowed. How can you be better. How can you learn and grow. None of that involves answers from them. Only you.

 

 

I hope you feel better soon. Stick with NC. It sucks, but it does help.

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Vivir, this is exactly what I've started to see in exMM. A huge lack of self awareness, inability to look inwards and really assess what's going on for him emotionally. And of course, that means he cannot see things from my point of view as well! I am trying to slowly build the self love through speaking to myself compassionately, so your post really resonated with me. It sounds mad, but I will have conversations with myself in my head, turning the thoughts of worthlessness and despair around and giving myself pep talks when needed.

 

Today's been a particularly hard day for NC, but I knew this would come - we have good and bad days. I'm going to journal before bed, all the questions I have, I will write down, and then explain to myself why there is simply no point in going to him with them.

 

Thank you x

 

Jammydodger, I was happy to learn that you were able to glean something from my post :)

When I started to really pay attention to xMM's actions, two things stood out. Lying, even about the smallest things, came very easily to him. He also played everything close to the vest... either that, or he really was quite superficial. But I highly doubt that. I think he learned somewhere (perhaps military) to suppress deep emotions; he moved on from very serious happenings without processing and seemed to just let it go. In turn, he suffers from terrible anger issues.

 

But that is beside the point. I desperately sought something that would help finally tear me away from the affair. None of that actually helped to close the door... but since the door has been closed, I have found that self-compassion has been the most helpful thing for me. I have never had the "appropriate" level of self-esteem; it is elusive to me, but self-compassion, I was able to show it to myself almost immediately in small ways.

 

Your methods may seem small, but those small things may help you to get to bigger things that will eventually heal you and make you stronger.

 

I wish you well on your journey x!

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Thank you all for your replies, I've read them over a few times and I will continue to do so! It's crazy how just being able to talk to people who have been in similar places helps so much.

 

Vivir, this is exactly what I've started to see in exMM. A huge lack of self awareness, inability to look inwards and really assess what's going on for him emotionally. And of course, that means he cannot see things from my point of view as well! I am trying to slowly build the self love through speaking to myself compassionately, so your post really resonated with me. It sounds mad, but I will have conversations with myself in my head, turning the thoughts of worthlessness and despair around and giving myself pep talks when needed.

 

Today's been a particularly hard day for NC, but I knew this would come - we have good and bad days. I'm going to journal before bed, all the questions I have, I will write down, and then explain to myself why there is simply no point in going to him with them.

 

Thank you x

 

Just remember that these traits doomed his marriage, because instead of digging deep and being self-critical and addressing any issues, he buried his head in the sand by finding external artificial validation outside his marriage. Those are the same traits he would have brought to a relationship with you. These characteristics don't just magically go away; you need the self-awareness to recognize them and the discipline to work to fix them. I know it hurts, but you dodged a bullet here IMO.

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