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OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 21st May 2017, 11:22 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by smalltownwriter View Post
We are meeting tonight, he will be here for a few days. After he goes back, I feel like my answers will be revealed. If he follows through with telling her and leaving/filing for divorce, maybe I can have some hope. If he comes up with reasons to delay, well it would be devastating to be a single mom to 2 kids. I am telling myself it is early on and I have a little wiggle room as far as timing goes but I also know if I terminate the pregnancy I will be scarred forever. I guess that is what I deserve, and better me than innocent parties.

I appreciate your kind words. When you're in the thick of it, and the man you are hopelessly in love with is telling you he IS going to be with you, he has already decided, but the timeline is unknown because he has to figure out how to make it happen, unless you end up pregnant and then that would expedite things, you don't always make rational decisions. I understand it was stupid and it was wrong. But at the time, all I could think of was wanting to do it for him.
I had a termination and wasn't scarred for life. That's overly dramatic. I made the best decision for me, and my existing children.

However, if you have a baby with a married man in affair situation, and he's as much a jerk as he seems to be, you'll likely scar your child for life.

Think on that.
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Old 21st May 2017, 11:23 AM   #32
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No child should have to be born into this situation. It's rather irresponsible of both parents to do this really.

This will be child number 3 for him, with as many different mothers.

What happens when he proves he's not a permanent fixture in your life?

You may end up like him... 3 children and 3 different fathers.


I suggest you think very carefully about proceeding with the pregnancy.

On the point of you wanting him to be monogamous, why do you think that's something he'll be agreeable to, based on how his marriage has panned out?

He was at it with you while his wife had an infant at home... That's your future with him, once you have the baby.
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Old 21st May 2017, 11:49 AM   #33
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'doomed' is really over-speaking it. The amount of stigma attached to being the child of an affair is strongly dependent on the family support structure, and especially on whether the mother was (and remained) married to someone else at the time. There's some terrible stories of kids brought up in families that treated them as an embarrassing mistake their whole lives, not allowed to use the front door of the house, blamed for every fight their home-parents had, and in adulthood tossed aside by the mother's husband (I find it awkward to say 'stepfather' when referring to the man the mother was already married to before the birth, and the only father the child ever knew) as "get out, you were never my child". But even with these terrible stories people do pull through, they're not doomed. And I would certainly hope that OP would never allow anyone to treat her baby like that!

And if the mother is single at the time, and possibly goes on to marry someone else later? "Your biological father was a jerk and isn't with us anymore" is sadly so common that it's hardly even noticeable these days.
You my want to have a look at how the older Trump kids treat Marla Maples' daughter.
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Old 21st May 2017, 12:34 PM   #34
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I also know if I terminate the pregnancy I will be scarred forever.....
This just isn't so. You can't possibly know that. Most of the women who choose abortion (95% in this study:
Decision Rightness and Emotional Responses to Abortion in the United States: A Longitudinal Study) do NOT regret their abortion and are not scarred by it. That line sounds like a slogan, not like a considered assessment based on fact.

Keep in mind that no matter WHICH path you choose, there are unknowns (we're talking about the future, after all) and the chance of regret and even "scarring". With greatest respect, you could use some immediate help from a qualified individual therapist to help you with your decision making. You've already made some very poor decisions, chief among them the choice to trust a liar and cheater with control of your future, so please don't double down on that with more poor choices.

I do see a high chance of scars in your future - it's from the ill-advised r/s with a determined hypocritical (he's "very pro life") reckless liar and manipulator.
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Old 21st May 2017, 12:52 PM   #35
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I have had children out of wedlock and I have terminated a pregnancy. Both were very difficult and had consequences. The truth is there is no easy and painless way to deal with an unplanned (although in your case it seems like it was planned)pregnancy. No matter what you decide it will be hard.

You have to do what feels right for you. This is a very personal choice and it's not up to anybody else so don't let anyone push in one direction or the other. This is your life and the lives of your children and you are the one responsible for making the best choice for all of you. Other people don't have to live with your decision so they don't get a say in it.

As for being scarred for life by an abortion it depends on where you stand morally regarding abortion. The abortion was very hard on me because prior to having one I had moral feelings regarding abortion and I felt I was selfish and evil by making that choice. I don't believe that anymore but at the time I was filled with self loathing and went into a depression for a long time. However I believe that people who don't see abortion as the equivalent to being a child murderer, like i did at the time, do not have that kind of emotional suffering.
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Old 21st May 2017, 1:23 PM   #36
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You have to do what feels right for you. This is a very personal choice and it's not up to anybody else so don't let anyone push in one direction or the other. This is your life and the lives of your children and you are the one responsible for making the best choice for all of you.
This is very important. It is your child, it is your life - it is your decision.

You have so much to think about related to this man. Will he leave his wife? Will he want to be with you? Will he ever be able to be a faithful partner and will you ever be able to trust him? There is so much uncertainty.

As it relates to the child, consider your decision carefully and make the best decision - for you and your children. I would hear what this man has to say and consider it in making my decision... but ultimately, you must make the best decision for you because he can best be described as an unreliable partner at this time.

I hope this weekend bring you more clarity, related to this man and your future.
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Old 21st May 2017, 1:35 PM   #37
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There seems something almost pathological and predatory about this guy. I am guessing that you have no way of really knowing why his first marriage ended. I wonder if he did the same with his second wife as he is doing now.

I can't tell you what you should do about the baby. I will tell you this. A man who behaves this way is likely to repeat the behavior, over and over again. Your child with him will likely have many half-siblings before it is over.

To see if he is serious about you and you being "IT" ask him to have a vasectomy. Three children with three mothers should be plenty. I bet he will say no.

And his plan for you to live in one place for a week and then another for a week is just silly. If the baby is new, he is unlikely to have 50/50 custody even in states that lean that way.

This guy is bizaare. How much of his story have you verified yourself -- the successful lawyer, plenty of money, etc? Is any of it real?
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Old 21st May 2017, 3:09 PM   #38
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If you want this baby, have it. But, do so with the mindset that you're totally okay raising the baby alone and on your own without MM's help. Don't have the baby in hopes he'll choose you over his wife and other children. Doing that would be a huge mistake and you'll be setting yourself up for heart break.
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Old 21st May 2017, 5:22 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
'doomed' is really over-speaking it. The amount of stigma attached to being the child of an affair is strongly dependent on the family support structure, and especially on whether the mother was (and remained) married to someone else at the time. There's some terrible stories of kids brought up in families that treated them as an embarrassing mistake their whole lives, not allowed to use the front door of the house, blamed for every fight their home-parents had, and in adulthood tossed aside by the mother's husband (I find it awkward to say 'stepfather' when referring to the man the mother was already married to before the birth, and the only father the child ever knew) as "get out, you were never my child". But even with these terrible stories people do pull through, they're not doomed. And I would certainly hope that OP would never allow anyone to treat her baby like that!

And if the mother is single at the time, and possibly goes on to marry someone else later? "Your biological father was a jerk and isn't with us anymore" is sadly so common that it's hardly even noticeable these days.
I hear you. I just don't see a positive outcome in this case unless the OP is able to cut herself off completely from the MM and the drama.
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Old 21st May 2017, 5:53 PM   #40
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this way is likely to repeat the behavior, over and over again. Your child with him will likely have many half-siblings before it is over.

To see if he is serious about you and you being "IT" ask him to have a vasectomy. Three children with three mothers should be plenty. I bet he will say no.
Whilst I believe this guy is bad news, she has no right to ask this of him.

In what universe, do you ask another woman's husband to have a vasectomy. That's overstepping the mark IMO.

As far as 3 children being enough, that's for him to decide, not the OP.

He could divorce.. End up with the OP and then that doesn't work out... And he's now had the snip.

Some men take pride in sowing their oats and procreating any how. He's got kids who may not even know of each other or have a relationship with each other.

It's a small world and you never know how this is going to end.

He's not very sensible for an attorney. That's three lots of child support he could be on the hook for.
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Old 21st May 2017, 6:26 PM   #41
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Terminating a pregnancy is a deeply personal choice that only the OP can make. Telling her it is the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do is not for us to say.

This is her choice and no matter what she decides we are here to support her. This is a terrible place she is in and she will be the one who lives with her choice.

Once she decides then she can take the necessary steps based on her choice.

Take Care OP.
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Old 21st May 2017, 8:22 PM   #42
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I'm afraid I can't offer much in terms of advice as this really is down to you and what you think is best for you and your children.

What I can say is that I understand how this could have happened. My MM and I weren't always careful with birth control and he always said it didn't matter as he wanted to be with me. I believed him. It was slightly different as he made me believe he had already made his choice, but I now know that words are easy to say. But I get how easy it is to believe them when you're in the affair bubble and they say this stuff. I can honestly understand how you've ended up here.

Were you meeting MM today? How did it go? I hope you're doing ok. I would echo what others have said. I think you need to make a decision that you could live with on your own, regardless of what MM does. He may follow through with his words but he may not...be prepared. Also what a previous poster said is spot on- you and him can plan all you want, but you can't possibly guess what his wife's reaction would be and how he will react to that in turn. My MM and I planned for so many scenarios, and not a single one ended up how we expected. His wife's reaction, and determination to stay in the marriage, was the most unexpected. I think that threw him. And suddenly he had an option of making the 'mess' go away and get his old life back (so he thinks). You don't know how your MM's wife will react (especially as she has a child to think about above herself), and what he will then do.

Be strong and think about yourself. You've thought about his 'wants' too much already.
Terrific post but I just thought it worth mentioning that when 'in the affair bubble' the married man in this case was lying. What we are really talking about is people who are not in control of themselves. He might have thought he was being honest at the time but he wasn't in control of himself. He didn't care enough to be cautious about how things might go. A person cannot excuse raising another's hopes because they are in a new and exciting situation. A mature person would not do that.
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Old 21st May 2017, 9:15 PM   #43
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Whilst I believe this guy is bad news, she has no right to ask this of him.

In what universe, do you ask another woman's husband to have a vasectomy. That's overstepping the mark IMO.

As far as 3 children being enough, that's for him to decide, not the OP.

He could divorce.. End up with the OP and then that doesn't work out... And he's now had the snip.

Some men take pride in sowing their oats and procreating any how. He's got kids who may not even know of each other or have a relationship with each other.

It's a small world and you never know how this is going to end.

He's not very sensible for an attorney. That's three lots of child support he could be on the hook for.
I meant if he divorces. Cause I think he is a sick predator whose goal it is to sow his oats and move on. The OP said she wasn't even sure she wanted more children before she got pregnant. If they are each other soulmates, he can have the V and be done for her. I think he might divorce, jump in with her, cheat and impregnate another woman, divorce OP, etc. This is one way to at least prevent the pattern.
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Old 23rd May 2017, 8:24 PM   #44
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This just isn't so. You can't possibly know that. Most of the women who choose abortion (95% in this study:
Decision Rightness and Emotional Responses to Abortion in the United States: A Longitudinal Study) do NOT regret their abortion and are not scarred by it. That line sounds like a slogan, not like a considered assessment based on fact.

Keep in mind that no matter WHICH path you choose, there are unknowns (we're talking about the future, after all) and the chance of regret and even "scarring". With greatest respect, you could use some immediate help from a qualified individual therapist to help you with your decision making. You've already made some very poor decisions, chief among them the choice to trust a liar and cheater with control of your future, so please don't double down on that with more poor choices.

I do see a high chance of scars in your future - it's from the ill-advised r/s with a determined hypocritical (he's "very pro life") reckless liar and manipulator.
100% agree. I had a termination and have never ever regretted it. In fact, i don't even think about it until I hear someone say "abortion scars you for life". That is simply not true at all. I also had a miscarriage (before my only child was born) and I don't think about that nor do I bemoan the fact that I had a miscarriage.
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Old 24th May 2017, 9:40 AM   #45
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Just wanted to thank everyone for your input. I am going through with the termination. He wouldn't suggest it but I could tell it was what he wanted so I suggested and he agreed. I don't see how our relationship survives this anyway, so I feel this will take care of both issues as I'm just kind of numb toward him at this point. Thanks again for all your advice and feedback, it was helpful.
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