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OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 20th May 2017, 2:21 PM   #16
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Also, to clarify, we have had sex without a condom basically the entire time we've been together, I am very in tune with my cycle and when I'm ovulating and we didn't do it when it would have been risky, or if we did, I used plan B. So it wouldn't have been a reason to get me to let him go bareback.
May I just say, this is really not smart of you and very dangerous. You are "assuming" this guy is just sleeping with you and his wife because he might have told "you" so. You should really be suspicious of how truthful he is and you really should be assuming this guy might have a bunch of other women he is sleeping in addition to you and his wife. He could have STDs.

As a man, I can tell you, the guy sounds more than a little screwed up. I don't care what he is or how much money he makes. I know whats it like to have children and raise them. What type of person goes around intentionally impregnating other women just for the hell of it? Sure, I am a man and will think with my dick, but I would never in a million years intentionally impregnate another woman. Having children requires planning and care and "love". You do not go around fathering children and dumping them into broken homes. Its cruel. This guy is serious trouble and is going to screw up your life and your child's life. Get the hell away from him!!
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Old 20th May 2017, 3:58 PM   #17
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I'm so sorry, but you have made a huge mistake.

You have made a huge mistake in trusting a man who should never have been trusted. He has had two children, with two different women. He has made the decision to sleep with you and get you pregnant, while his wife cares for his child at home. There is nothing to respect about a man who does that.

Now, he says that he wants to leave his wife and child, for you and your child. That means that you are in part responsible for the loss of a father to another child, the loss of the family unit. That's shameful.

You will never be able to trust this man. It is very possible that while you are home nursing his baby, he will be visiting another woman in another state - telling her how much he loves her and how much he wants her to have his baby.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be unkind. But, I can offer no comfort. Why you allowed this man into your bed, when you knew he was married and had children, and why you allowed him to get you pregnant, is beyond me. I think that it is highly unlikely that he would leave his wife and child for you. And if he does, why would you even want this man in your life? I would never trust him not to do to you exactly what he has done to his current wife.

Your future will forever be altered by this failure of judgment. I'm sorry.

Last edited by BaileyB; 20th May 2017 at 4:00 PM..
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Old 20th May 2017, 4:03 PM   #18
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I was a willing participant. I made a bad emotional decision. I own that.
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He's super pro life. I guess if I were to terminate the pregnancy, I just would say it was a miscarriage?
Please don't make another bad emotional decision by lying. Honesty is always the best policy.

The two of you are in a dicey situation. Seems to me if you want to be able to trust him and expect honesty from him you need to be able to deliver honesty to him thereby showing him he can trust you.
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Old 20th May 2017, 4:37 PM   #19
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Anyone out there have any tips or suggestions for me?

I've already had the conversation with him several months ago that if we were to be together, it would NOT be okay with me for him to talk to other women (like it is apparently okay with his wife as long as she doesn't find out), and he cannot be secretive, we have to have each other's phone passwords, email passwords, etc. Not because I want to go through his **** but because it holds us accountable to each other and that I would be extremely insecure about it all because of how we began. He said he had no problem with any of that.
Well now, that is kind of like trying to put the horse back in the barn after you've let it run. Do you seriously think that you could ever trust this man to be faithful? Do you seriously think that knowing his passwords and checking his phone is going to stop him from doing to you what he has done to his wife?

Never, trust a man who has proven to be a liar and cheater.

As for suggestions for you, walk away.

This is no great love affair. You have allowed yourself to become pregnant by a man who purposefully impregnated you when he had a wife and a family at home. There are simply no words to describe how disturbing I find his behavior. Make a decision about the baby - do you want to have another baby and raise this child as a single mother, or do you need to have an abortion. I wouldn't trust that this man is going to decide to be faithful, to settle down with you to raise a family With you. I wouldn't trust him at all.

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Old 20th May 2017, 5:02 PM   #20
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I've already had the conversation with him several months ago that if we were to be together, it would NOT be okay with me for him to talk to other women (like it is apparently okay with his wife as long as she doesn't find out), and he cannot be secretive, we have to have each other's phone passwords, email passwords, etc. Not because I want to go through his **** but because it holds us accountable to each other and that I would be extremely insecure about it all because of how we began. He said he had no problem with any of that.
It will be no problem, because smart guys, and as an attorney he will be a smart guy, know how to hide all that stuff from prying eyes.
Burner phones, secret apps, duplicate laptops and tablets, hidden email accounts, work accounts, duplicate credit cards, email tricks etc. etc. will all give him a clean bill of health if you do go snooping.
He can thus show you his phone, give you his passwords and all is hunky dory and well in the world...
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Old 20th May 2017, 5:11 PM   #21
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I'm afraid I can't offer much in terms of advice as this really is down to you and what you think is best for you and your children.

What I can say is that I understand how this could have happened. My MM and I weren't always careful with birth control and he always said it didn't matter as he wanted to be with me. I believed him. It was slightly different as he made me believe he had already made his choice, but I now know that words are easy to say. But I get how easy it is to believe them when you're in the affair bubble and they say this stuff. I can honestly understand how you've ended up here.

Were you meeting MM today? How did it go? I hope you're doing ok. I would echo what others have said. I think you need to make a decision that you could live with on your own, regardless of what MM does. He may follow through with his words but he may not...be prepared. Also what a previous poster said is spot on- you and him can plan all you want, but you can't possibly guess what his wife's reaction would be and how he will react to that in turn. My MM and I planned for so many scenarios, and not a single one ended up how we expected. His wife's reaction, and determination to stay in the marriage, was the most unexpected. I think that threw him. And suddenly he had an option of making the 'mess' go away and get his old life back (so he thinks). You don't know how your MM's wife will react (especially as she has a child to think about above herself), and what he will then do.

Be strong and think about yourself. You've thought about his 'wants' too much already.
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Old 21st May 2017, 1:37 AM   #22
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NEVER HAVE A BABY WITH A MARRIED MAN!!!

Like Birdies, I was OW who is now with MM..a couple of things I usually stand by are: 1. Don't get pregnant 2. Don't ever out him to the W because you don't know the relationship they have no matter what he has told you.

Since you have broken the cardinal rule of not getting pregnant you now must break the other and tell his wife. It is one thing to have an affair, it is quite another to change a person's life forever. The wife's child will have another sibling now and once that is done you can never take it back! I don't understand at all why women think it is ok to get pregnant in this kind of relationship. Do you think this guy's other kids will just accept your baby? It will always be the affair baby. The kid who took their dad away. why would you want that for your child?

I don't think he is planning to leave. When men leave, they do it early on and they know what they want. This guy is looking for an ego boost.

If you are insistent that he will leave, that he loves you and your relationship is one of the few (it IS possible, mine was, we have been married for some years now and are quite happy) that is meant to be, he will take action NOW. If you find him stalling, lying to you, changing dates of departure and not telling his wife you will know the truth.

Frankly, I wouldn't have this baby. If he ever left and you got together in an open relationship then you can try again but this situation is to much to foist on a baby. Think about what this child life will be if he stays married! That's right, 50/50 custody split with the wife playing mommy to your child half the time, OR no dad in the picture at all. Just please make rational decisions, not emotional ones. My heart goes out to you, you are really in an awful situation no matter how you look at it.
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Last edited by goodyblue; 21st May 2017 at 1:43 AM..
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Old 21st May 2017, 1:52 AM   #23
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Sounds very manipulative, get pregnant then I will leave my wife....I know you can't see it, but this guy is a bad investment, I fear you will burn 10-15 years recovering from this.
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Old 21st May 2017, 7:44 AM   #24
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I'm afraid I can't offer much in terms of advice as this really is down to you and what you think is best for you and your children.

What I can say is that I understand how this could have happened. My MM and I weren't always careful with birth control and he always said it didn't matter as he wanted to be with me. I believed him. It was slightly different as he made me believe he had already made his choice, but I now know that words are easy to say. But I get how easy it is to believe them when you're in the affair bubble and they say this stuff. I can honestly understand how you've ended up here.

Were you meeting MM today? How did it go? I hope you're doing ok. I would echo what others have said. I think you need to make a decision that you could live with on your own, regardless of what MM does. He may follow through with his words but he may not...be prepared. Also what a previous poster said is spot on- you and him can plan all you want, but you can't possibly guess what his wife's reaction would be and how he will react to that in turn. My MM and I planned for so many scenarios, and not a single one ended up how we expected. His wife's reaction, and determination to stay in the marriage, was the most unexpected. I think that threw him. And suddenly he had an option of making the 'mess' go away and get his old life back (so he thinks). You don't know how your MM's wife will react (especially as she has a child to think about above herself), and what he will then do.

Be strong and think about yourself. You've thought about his 'wants' too much already.
We are meeting tonight, he will be here for a few days. After he goes back, I feel like my answers will be revealed. If he follows through with telling her and leaving/filing for divorce, maybe I can have some hope. If he comes up with reasons to delay, well it would be devastating to be a single mom to 2 kids. I am telling myself it is early on and I have a little wiggle room as far as timing goes but I also know if I terminate the pregnancy I will be scarred forever. I guess that is what I deserve, and better me than innocent parties.

I appreciate your kind words. When you're in the thick of it, and the man you are hopelessly in love with is telling you he IS going to be with you, he has already decided, but the timeline is unknown because he has to figure out how to make it happen, unless you end up pregnant and then that would expedite things, you don't always make rational decisions. I understand it was stupid and it was wrong. But at the time, all I could think of was wanting to do it for him.
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Old 21st May 2017, 9:15 AM   #25
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..the man you are hopelessly in love with is telling you he IS going to be with you, he has already decided, but the timeline is unknown because he has to figure out how to make it happen, unless you end up pregnant and then that would expedite things, you don't always make rational decisions. I understand it was stupid and it was wrong. But at the time, all I could think of was wanting to do it for him.
Read some of the posts on the forums. Most MM keep saying they will and want to leave their W's but then never do and when they do, they go back to their W's again.

If he loves you, he loves "you" and wants to leave his current wife and life to start a new life with "you".
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Old 21st May 2017, 9:30 AM   #26
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We are meeting tonight, he will be here for a few days. After he goes back, I feel like my answers will be revealed. If he follows through with telling her and leaving/filing for divorce, maybe I can have some hope. If he comes up with reasons to delay, well it would be devastating to be a single mom to 2 kids. I am telling myself it is early on and I have a little wiggle room as far as timing goes but I also know if I terminate the pregnancy I will be scarred forever. I guess that is what I deserve, and better me than innocent parties.

I appreciate your kind words. When you're in the thick of it, and the man you are hopelessly in love with is telling you he IS going to be with you, he has already decided, but the timeline is unknown because he has to figure out how to make it happen, unless you end up pregnant and then that would expedite things, you don't always make rational decisions. I understand it was stupid and it was wrong. But at the time, all I could think of was wanting to do it for him.
Does anybody in your family know you're seeing a MM? Any friends?

Time now will tell if he's just telling you what you want to hear or if he actually has a plan to come clean with his wife and leave her. It's going to take him A LOT of courage and strength to tell her the truth - That he's going to have a baby with another woman, let alone start over with someone else. Be prepared for it not to go your way. And that's why I'm hoping you have a good support system in place because you're going to need close friends and people you trust to help you.
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Old 21st May 2017, 9:51 AM   #27
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I'm a 32 year old and I have my sh** together,
Oh honey. No. No you don't. But now with this tangle, you're gonna get to wear your big girl panties and pull your life together in a hurry. You are about to begin a whole new chapter, based upon infidelity, and live in constant fear the same thing will be done to you (if he even goes through with leaving his wife). If it isn't what you wanted, why wouldn't you take precautions? You seem pretty scared to explain to your parents, but you don't seem to have much conscience screaming at you for your actions. How will you feel looking at your child every day (even if you never actually tell the child), knowing a broken home was left in their wake, sibling they'd probably never know. Just to get your kicks. Yep. Sounds like a perfectly together life to me. I can tell you that my ex is an ex for numerous reasons, the largest being that he cheated and got another girl pregnant. No matter how much time passes, you sort of always feel the little smack that someone could put you through that, so think about the wife here. Think how you'd feel in a few years time if he strays. You say 2 years. BUt you only see each other once a month. My math tells me you've seen each other 24 times. What is his fave way to spend a saturday? How does he take his sunday morning coffee? How did he get that scar on his knee when he was 12? Do you actually know anything about him other than how he is in bed. You have a lot of work to do here before you can consider the arrangement between you a relationship. My 2 cents.
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Old 21st May 2017, 10:18 AM   #28
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There's nothing you can do about it now, you're pregnant. Unless you are on the fence about abortion or adoption? No judgement

Listen. Here's the thing. He's a coward. If he wants out of his marriage and he's too cowardly to go through with it on his own, then you...my dear...you are his "exit affair"

You and this baby are his ticket out of the marriage.

But. That doesn't mean he's going to stay with you or be with you. Most exit affairs don't survive because they're truly just to force a coward out of his marriage. Once he gets that taste of freedom? He's not going to want to be tied down to you and a baby.

And yes. He will do it to you.

Do me a favor. Sit and think about this. You and him start s family together. Get married, buy a house. Have a couple more kids.

Then 10!years from now, you find out he's gotten another woman pregnant and walks away from you and your family. How would you feel?

Because that's the guy you're getting. He's doing the same thing to his wife and he'll do it to you too.

I wish you luck in whatever you do, now that a baby is involved it's their life that's most important.

It's a huge stigma for a child to know they were the result of an affair. You and him have doomed this child's mental health from the getgo. Very selfish and irresponsible.
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Old 21st May 2017, 10:32 AM   #29
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'doomed' is really over-speaking it. The amount of stigma attached to being the child of an affair is strongly dependent on the family support structure, and especially on whether the mother was (and remained) married to someone else at the time. There's some terrible stories of kids brought up in families that treated them as an embarrassing mistake their whole lives, not allowed to use the front door of the house, blamed for every fight their home-parents had, and in adulthood tossed aside by the mother's husband (I find it awkward to say 'stepfather' when referring to the man the mother was already married to before the birth, and the only father the child ever knew) as "get out, you were never my child". But even with these terrible stories people do pull through, they're not doomed. And I would certainly hope that OP would never allow anyone to treat her baby like that!

And if the mother is single at the time, and possibly goes on to marry someone else later? "Your biological father was a jerk and isn't with us anymore" is sadly so common that it's hardly even noticeable these days.
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Old 21st May 2017, 11:10 AM   #30
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I appreciate your kind words. When you're in the thick of it, and the man you are hopelessly in love with is telling you he IS going to be with you, he has already decided, but the timeline is unknown because he has to figure out how to make it happen, unless you end up pregnant and then that would expedite things, you don't always make rational decisions. I understand it was stupid and it was wrong. But at the time, all I could think of was wanting to do it for him.
This man is an attorney and no doubt is able to make huge decisions and figure out clever ways to help his clients, yet he cannot see any way of leaving his marriage apart from you getting pregnant...
YOU may put great store on this man solving your current problems, but I would advise you to forget what your heart is telling you and start thinking clearer with your head.
Do not let him soft soap you with gifts, flattery, fancy words and sex tonight, do not drink any alcohol and keep your wits about you.
You need to make a huge decision here, and when he leaves again in a few days you need to be able to figure out exactly what you need to do.
You cannot do that, if all you do with this time together, is fall into his arms...

Men who are madly in love with their OW make things happen, they do not dilly dally and they certainly do not get a woman pregnant just so that he has an "excuse" to leave his marriage and his infant child...
That is messed up thinking IMO and lacking in empathy for all concerned.

Of course you also have to consider that he wasn't actually being serious when he mentioned "If you do get pregnant, then that will expedite things"
It may all have been part of a future faking fantasy and not meant to be taken literally by you...
I guess you were very vulnerable having come out of a "crazy" relationship and grabbed this seemingly decent and desirable MM with both hands. Hungry for affection and love, and ably abetted by his protestations of his love for you, you were willing to do just about anything to make it happen and make it "real". It is not an uncommon story here and understandable. Had you been your usual strong self you would have told him to stuff his "open relationship" where the sun don't shine, on day one.

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He didn't exactly sound happy.
I am sure he wasn't.
Yes, he may be putting a brave face on it for your sake, but he may also be secretly thinking "OMG what a terrible mess."
I just cannot see how a MM who admitted he was online looking for "extra" and who for two years has fitted you into his schedule only about once a month, is now going to jettison his wife and small child.
I could be wrong though.
However if he does leave his family in the lurch, then that may in fact raise more questions than it answers...

Be careful what you wish for...
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