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OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 19th May 2017, 9:59 PM   #1
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OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

I met my MM online, friendly conversation turned to flirting, obviously you know where that led. He told me from the beginning that he loved his wife but that they had an understanding that he was not going to be monogamous, he said she said "okay, I just don't want to find out about it."

I was going through a separation and divorce (the whole process lasted about a year) myself and thought I didn't want anything serious. Since it was my understanding that they were in some kind of open relationship, I began this relationship.

We've had our fair share of issues, mostly stemming from jealousy on both our parts because we can't be a "real" couple, but I fall more in love with him every day, even now almost 2 years later. He lives out of state so we only can see each other once a month or so.

At first he always said he would never leave his wife, he already has a son from a previous marriage, and a daughter who was an infant when we began our relationship with his current wife, and he said he wouldn't go through that again. I said okay, not realizing how real it would become. He didn't either.

He has always teased me that he wanted me to have his baby, because he knew I did not want that. Well since the beginning of the year, maybe before that, our talks about figuring out a way to be together became much more real. He seemed he was ready if he could just find a way out and still be able to be with his daughter.

He apparently was serious about wanting to have a baby because he told me "what if I tried to get you pregnant for a few months and we could see what happens...let fate decide. And if you do end up pregnant then the choice will be made." Said if it happened, he would leave his wife and be with me, not being with his daughter every day would suck, but all he wanted was a family with me and we would eventually be happy after the rainstorm.

Well, I'm pregnant. It only took one try. Very early on, only 5 weeks. But we're talking about plans and now I'm terrified.

It sounds so naive of me, I know. But all of a sudden things are about to be dire.

He said he's leaving his wife. He wants to be with me full time, and we can split time between my town and his town. In total honesty, I'm not sure he even thought it would happen. He didn't exactly sound happy. He said he is, just there is a lot of **** to figure out and it isn't going to be pleasant but once we get it past us, we will be happy.

I gave him so many outs. He didn't take any of them.

But the only thing I can think now is:
What if he does the same thing to me? Why did I do this? Surely he will do the same thing to me. Will I know when I'm the one he's with? I doubt we'll get married, me being once divorced (with a 4 year old) and him about to be twice divorced. Which leads me to my next issue:

Now I get to tell my super religious parents who have always been proud that I have made good choices in life (barring my ex who turned out to be crazy) that I got knocked up by a married man who is now going to be with me. The disappointment that will follow, I'm not sure I'm prepared for.

Anyone out there have any tips or suggestions for me?

I've already had the conversation with him several months ago that if we were to be together, it would NOT be okay with me for him to talk to other women (like it is apparently okay with his wife as long as she doesn't find out), and he cannot be secretive, we have to have each other's phone passwords, email passwords, etc. Not because I want to go through his **** but because it holds us accountable to each other and that I would be extremely insecure about it all because of how we began. He said he had no problem with any of that.

But still! I'm a 32 year old and I have my sh** together, own my own company, have a great career, and sole custody of my 4 year old. And I just watched myself do this because I have never loved anyone the way I love him, and I wanted to do it for him. How stupid am I?

He is coming into town in 2 days and we are supposed to have a talk about how we are going to maneuver all of this. Any help would be so appreciated!

Last edited by smalltownwriter; 19th May 2017 at 10:30 PM..
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Old 19th May 2017, 10:30 PM   #2
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You'll never be able to trust him due to his past and current behavior. Cheating and other women. You don't know if you're the only OW he's been with or is with.

Need to ask why you'd let him get you pregnant while he was still married? It's backwards and this guy has you making bad choices.

Do you believe that he's going to up and leave his wife and baby daughter to be with you even though you're pregnant?

I say end it with him and make him pay child support. He isn't going to be a good husband to you, or a good family man. Doubtful he'll be a loving and attentive father....
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Old 19th May 2017, 10:43 PM   #3
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about your lover - no one can tell you if he'll cheat on you in the future. he might. he might not. no one can tell you if you'll know - you might. you might not. also... no one can tell you if he's honest about his relationship with his wife and the boundaries within his marriage. who knows - but you decided to trust him.

he certainly doesn't seem like a reliable man or a responsible father - he exposed his children to the stress of having a sibling with a 3rd woman, out of nowhere... in little time. it seems as if he literally swapped one child for another - i assume he doesn't have custody over his 1st child and he probably won't get one over his 2nd child... so he created another one, who will live with him full time to fill the void. you'll have to deal with the stress of two different mothers & two different kids - three different parenting styles.

about your family - i think you're overreacting. i don't think they'll be as shocked with this as you think they will, you'll receive little backlash and they'll support you. that's what most families do.

distance - with a newborn... it's a 24/7 job. so you won't be able to split time between states or cities, you need to live together - you need help with the baby during the 1st year. so you'll either move to him or he'll move to you and it will probably be you because he has kids he (i assume) wants to see once in a while.

it'a a good thing that you're financially stable so if this doesn't work out - you'll be able to support your kids on your own.

he apparently has a plan in place so you have no choice but to sit back & wait until he goes through with it.
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Old 20th May 2017, 12:43 AM   #4
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Firstly I highly doubt that his wife told him he could have sex outside their marriage, she just doesn't want to know about it. That is highly doubtful and most likely a big lie. I suspect you don't really believe that either but you pretended it was true to justify sleeping with a married man whose wife just had a baby. They had an infant daughter, his wife was probably not adequately sexually servicing your MM due to taking care of the baby so he decided on his own to get himself a little extra on the side.

Does your MM think making babies is a game? He already has 2 children with 2 different women and now you're the third woman with baby 3 on the way. And he did this on purpose? "oh lets just bring an innocent child into my sh*t storm, why stop at screwing up the kids I already have when we can throw a 3rd kid into our mess?" Who plans to bring a baby into this much drama?

You two can make all the plans you want but when it comes time for him to follow through on those plans you are likely to discover that the reality is much different from the plan. Either he is not going to follow the plan at all or he will try to enact the plan only to discover that his wife is not going to follow your plan for her life and all hell will break lose and he will end up staying right where he is.

Before you tell your parents anything I would suggest you consider if you really want to be a single parent to this man's baby. Don't say anything to your parents until you have made up your mind 100 percent that you are keeping the baby. When you tell them they will likely be disappointed in you but they will still love you and love their grandchild so I wouldn't stress too much about them. If you do miraculously end up with him then I would be very worried if I were you. Didn't he say he loved his wife and didn't she just have his baby when he decided it was okay for him to cheat on her? That's how he treated the woman he said he loved and that gave birth to his child. You can expect more of the same behavior when you get him.

Finally, especially since you are pregnant, you should get a full STD screening. As your MM is long distance and you met him online (dating site I'm guessing) you really don't know what he does when he's out of your sight. He may be meeting with other women he has met online. For the safety of the baby, get yourself checked out.

Last edited by anika99; 20th May 2017 at 12:54 AM..
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Old 20th May 2017, 3:29 AM   #5
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"I've already had the conversation with him several months ago that if we were to be together, it would NOT be okay with me for him to talk to other women (like it is apparently okay with his wife as long as she doesn't find out), and he cannot be secretive, we have to have each other's phone passwords, email passwords, etc. Not because I want to go through his **** but because it holds us accountable to each other and that I would be extremely insecure about it all because of how we began."


This sounds like a dreadful way to live...suspicious, always waiting for the ball drop :/

He really does not seem like a decent guy at all. His wife gave him permission? I highly doubt that. Now he's ready to just up and walk away from kid #2 after playing russian roulette with sex. And you were a willing participant. Just sounds like some really poor decision making from the get go. You have good reason to be insecure with this guy.

Your family will be disappointed, no doubt, but most likely will get over it eventually. I mean, even if they were not super religious, this would be a disappointment to any "normal" family, ya know? Not trying to make you feel worse, just saying this situation isn't ideal for anyone regardless of faith or lack thereof.

Although you have it together career wise you are not making healthy choices in love. Hopefully you will work that out.

Last edited by springy; 20th May 2017 at 3:32 AM..
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Old 20th May 2017, 6:00 AM   #6
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Actions not words.

Does his wife know about you?
Has he got around to actually telling her?

Practically, can you manage to juggle your career with a small child and a newborn?
Being a single mother with one child is one thing, a single mother with two children is something different.
YOU hardly know the man in reality, two years of seeing him once a month does not a real relationship make.

Sounds to me like he wants to have two families and I would not be surprised if he wants to keep two women in different States.
He will not be alone there. Wife and family in one State, mistress with child in another, whilst he flits back and forth. Or he may see you as the golden goose with your own company and he wants some of that...
Be careful do not let "love" cloud your judgement any further.

On a purely practical level you need to prepare for the worst case scenario, single motherhood or maybe an abortion needs considered (sad to say), as he may not step up when the chips are down.
This forum abounds with heartache generated by MM who say they are leaving but don't and throw the OW under a bus on Dday.
Or they do and then go back to the wife anyway.
Or they just keep the OW in limbo waiting and waiting (sometimes for years and years), for the day he will actually leave...

It may or may not happen to you, but you need to be prepared as nothing you have told us about his man seems to indicate a happy ending. Sorry!

Actions are what you now need from him, words are cheap, "I love you", "I am leaving", "We will be together" , "You are my soulmate"... etc. are all easily said.

YOU need concrete plans from him and actions that show he has left NOW, not "sometime" in the future, no excuses, no fobbing you off with pretty sayings, you need proof that he has left her and that his wife knows all about you and the baby.
I am not saying he still won't renege on you and go back to her or even just move on to a less "complicated" OW, who knows? But atm, at 5 weeks pregnant the decision you need to make is whether or not you wish to continue with this pregnancy, and if all you have at the end of the day are airy fairy words from him and no real action, then you may need to make a very hard choice.

(BTW - for some men the thought of getting a woman pregnant and having bareback sex is a huge turn on.
Also many men use "making a baby" noises to manipulate women into thinking "OMG he must love me a lot, if he is thinking of having a baby with me"
It is often more about sex and being a "real man" and keeping a woman on board, than about real commitment and having children... sorry to say.
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Old 20th May 2017, 6:58 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Does his wife know about you?
Has he got around to actually telling her?


It may or may not happen to you, but you need to be prepared as nothing you have told us about his man seems to indicate a happy ending. Sorry!

Actions are what you now need from him, words are cheap, "I love you", "I am leaving", "We will be together" , "You are my soulmate"... etc. are all easily said.



(BTW - for some men the thought of getting a woman pregnant and having bareback sex is a huge turn on.
Also many men use "making a baby" noises to manipulate women into thinking "OMG he must love me a lot, if he is thinking of having a baby with me"

It is often more about sex and being a "real man" and keeping a woman on board, than about real commitment and having children... sorry to say.
First off, to the OP. I am so sorry your in this situation. This is a nightmare; and you have to get out of it ASAP for your sake, and, if you choose to have the baby, for the baby's sake as well. I'm sorry your find yourself here, but the path forward..

The path forward is crystal clear, IMHO. This guy is seriously sick. Like 1 step away from killing kittens for fun sick. Very often, I read stories of what people have done to their spouses in an A and think to myself "the WS in this story sounds like a sociopath". Well, in this case, this guy sounds like he's beyond sociopathy and boarding on a psychopath. He is playing you for a fool, stringing you along, and then decides it would be "fun" to bring another person into this nightmare? The lack of care for his wife, for his existing family, for you, or for the unborn child you now carry is appalling. If you looked at this from the outside, you'd be sick looking at his actions, and, as the poster above stated, ACTIONS are what matters now, not words.

Very often "baby making" noises from men are exactly what Elaine said. A reason to go bareback. A way to keep you hooked, more of those cheap words that mean nothing. It's sad, it's sick, but, you will never and can never understand the degrees that men will go for sex.

Yes, it's almost certainly about sex (for him), and no, he very likely won't leave his wife for you. And you should be thankful he won't leave his wife for you, because, if he did/does, you will be where his wife is right now, pregnant at home while your husband is sweet talking someone else into letting him take off the condom.

This guy makes me sick; if you look at this with open eyes, I suspect you'll feel that way too pretty quickly. Get away from him, decide if you want this child or not, and move forward with your life.

I'm sorry, please remember to smile and remember that there are a lot of good people out there. This guy just isn't one of them.
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Old 20th May 2017, 7:42 AM   #8
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It sounds to me like this man is (or wants to be) some sort of polygamist. I would not believe what he says about claiming his current wife is okay with everything.

You say he has 2 children. So are both the child from the previous marriage and his infant daughter living with him and his current wife?
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Old 20th May 2017, 7:45 AM   #9
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Hm tricky this one.

Well, affair is a bad habit. Just like in other things, people swear to let it go, some people actually do for good. Some dont, its too good for them to quit. You know the man better than us, you should have that twisty feeling , DO NOT ignore it. You already know how it is to be stuck with a jerk, you dont want to put yourself thrpugh it again.

Sorry, I dont have much experience in this. I am just asking you to hold on to your gut feeling tight.
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Old 20th May 2017, 8:21 AM   #10
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he told me "what if I tried to get you pregnant for a few months and we could see what happens...let fate decide. And if you do end up pregnant then the choice will be made." Said if it happened, he would leave his wife and be with me, not being with his daughter every day would suck, but all he wanted was a family with me and we would eventually be happy after the rainstorm.
Lets get one thing straight, you agreed to this child. You are a grown @ss woman. He did not hold a gun to your head to not use birth control.

Admit it . . . . deep down, you wanted it too, with visions of you and him M and having a happy family.

Answer me this:

Dose he have the financial means to support three kids ( and exspouse?)
Is he figuring on your income in someway to support his lifestyle in the future?

You need to tell you parents if you keep this child. They will be hurt but will be there to support you in the end. It is their grandchild.


Do not become financially entangled with this man, if you do M, assuming he gets a D, I would keep your $ separate.

My impression:

If he truly loved you, he would not have tried to get you preg.

He would have quietly D, then M you before he had a child with you.

He has seriously disrespected you as a woman, to say the least.
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Old 20th May 2017, 8:27 AM   #11
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It sounds to me like this man is (or wants to be) some sort of polygamist. I would not believe what he says about claiming his current wife is okay with everything.

You say he has 2 children. So are both the child from the previous marriage and his infant daughter living with him and his current wife?
No, he has 2 children from 2 different wives.
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Old 20th May 2017, 9:04 AM   #12
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Lets get one thing straight, you agreed to this child. You are a grown @ss woman. He did not hold a gun to your head to not use birth control.

Admit it . . . . deep down, you wanted it too, with visions of you and him M and having a happy family.

Answer me this:

Dose he have the financial means to support three kids ( and exspouse?)
Is he figuring on your income in someway to support his lifestyle in the future?

You need to tell you parents if you keep this child. They will be hurt but will be there to support you in the end. It is their grandchild.


Do not become financially entangled with this man, if you do M, assuming he gets a D, I would keep your $ separate.

My impression:

If he truly loved you, he would not have tried to get you preg.

He would have quietly D, then M you before he had a child with you.

He has seriously disrespected you as a woman, to say the least.
Yes, I believe he does have the financial means to support his children, he is a successful attorney. He has never let me pay for anything so I don't imagine he would assume my money would fund his lifestyle.

I didn't think I gave the impression that I was somehow forced into this, so if that's what it sounded like that's certainly not what I meant. I was a willing participant. I made a bad emotional decision. I own that.
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Old 20th May 2017, 9:44 AM   #13
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Do YOU want a baby? Especially a baby you will fairly likely have to raise on your own?

Who sets out to get his OW pregnant so he is forced to make a decision about what to do with his life?!? Could this guy be any more of wussy conflict avoider? Sorry OP but you could run a train through the holes in his logic and his lines to you. And even if you two do get together, he's a serial cheater so obviously he will cheat on you. Is that something you can not trust tolerate, but willingly embrace?

This just seems like an utter disaster in the making. 5 weeks is very early - if I were you, I would terminate and run far far away from this whole situation.

I had an affair and am in a relationship with my MM now, so I'm not saying it doesn't happen. But this situation is just a complete disaster in every way.
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Old 20th May 2017, 12:50 PM   #14
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Do YOU want a baby? Especially a baby you will fairly likely have to raise on your own?

Who sets out to get his OW pregnant so he is forced to make a decision about what to do with his life?!? Could this guy be any more of wussy conflict avoider? Sorry OP but you could run a train through the holes in his logic and his lines to you. And even if you two do get together, he's a serial cheater so obviously he will cheat on you. Is that something you can not trust tolerate, but willingly embrace?

This just seems like an utter disaster in the making. 5 weeks is very early - if I were you, I would terminate and run far far away from this whole situation.

I had an affair and am in a relationship with my MM now, so I'm not saying it doesn't happen. But this situation is just a complete disaster in every way.
I didn't really want another child, no. He is the only person who made me question that because I'd like to have a family with him and he wanted one. I never saw myself having another baby otherwise.

He's super pro life. I guess if I were to terminate the pregnancy, I just would say it was a miscarriage?
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Old 20th May 2017, 12:54 PM   #15
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Also, to clarify, we have had sex without a condom basically the entire time we've been together, I am very in tune with my cycle and when I'm ovulating and we didn't do it when it would have been risky, or if we did, I used plan B. So it wouldn't have been a reason to get me to let him go bareback.
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