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Clarity is so hard to find...


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 1st November 2017, 1:30 PM   #241
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Congratulations on passing the bar! Wishing you peace and happiness.
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Old 22nd November 2017, 10:02 PM   #242
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Five months post-dumping... and Iím still obsessed with xMW itís really kind of pathetic - her life is moving on, I supoose, happy and complete. And Iím still devastated. I will feel myself making what seems like progress and then slip back into depression. Iíve been on anti-depresssnts for about a month, and have been meditating and praying daily. Iím working a lot and spending time with friends. Sheís always in the back of my mind - my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. Itís ridiculous and Iíve never developed this level of fixation on any person or thing before. I donít think this will ever change, and it worries me that Iíll never truly move on or be happy again.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 1:38 AM   #243
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BreakingWave View Post
Five months post-dumping... and Iím still obsessed with xMW itís really kind of pathetic - her life is moving on, I supoose, happy and complete. And Iím still devastated. I will feel myself making what seems like progress and then slip back into depression. Iíve been on anti-depresssnts for about a month, and have been meditating and praying daily. Iím working a lot and spending time with friends. Sheís always in the back of my mind - my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. Itís ridiculous and Iíve never developed this level of fixation on any person or thing before. I donít think this will ever change, and it worries me that Iíll never truly move on or be happy again.
If you keep away from her, your thought patterns will gradually change. Your brain cannot keep that level of obsession with something that is no longer tangible.

Give it a year at least,
Poppy.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 8:03 AM   #244
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Hi there BreakingWave!

The road is long; the journey arduous. But it can be done.
I'm sorry I didn't respond to what you wrote a lot sooner.

Did you ever try out the counseling program at your church?

I had been so happy to learn that you didn't have the same level of despair... even if it goes away slowly, I hope you can appreciate that the despair is going away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BreakingWave View Post
The church is a progressive one. So... I feel like it's worth exploring, because it is a free program and the only thing holding me back from IC so far has been the price.

There's a long road ahead of me, but I do feel like it's one I can travel. I don't have the same level of despair. I hope one day to be so successful that I can run into MW and she'll regret walking away from me, but I know that's petty. What I should wish for, instead, is that I'll run into her and just not care. I'm definitely nowhere near there yet, though.
This future possibility of being able to run into her and just not care would be awesome, something to look forward to. It has happened to me a couple of times in the past. The thing is, when those feelings are gone, they are gone. At that point, you won't want her back at all. And it is highly likely that if she were free and came to you, you still would not want her at that point... even if you tried to change your own mind... Like I said, it would be awesome.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BreakingWave View Post
Five months post-dumping... and Iím still obsessed with xMW itís really kind of pathetic - her life is moving on, I supoose, happy and complete. And Iím still devastated. I will feel myself making what seems like progress and then slip back into depression. Iíve been on anti-depresssnts for about a month, and have been meditating and praying daily. Iím working a lot and spending time with friends. Sheís always in the back of my mind - my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. Itís ridiculous and Iíve never developed this level of fixation on any person or thing before. I donít think this will ever change, and it worries me that Iíll never truly move on or be happy again.
You may have to actively shut down your thoughts of this woman. Replace her images with some other image. As soon as she pops into your head, have some prearranged thing to do, something productive or someone else (like yourself) to think about. Have a list of things you need to get done. Have a list of people you can contact where you would need to focus entirely on that person (like your grandparent or a super active child or catching up with an old friend).

The thought in the morning: fine, allow yourself a few minutes, but then... you've got more important things to do! You know, like your awaiting breakfast meal!

The thought just before bed: for me, I have imagined my place, a sanctuary. I listen to "spa" music, light a candle, and imagine myself resting in a hammock near a private beach...

Just try it a couple of times and see how it works out for you.
Be active (you know, like the bunny!)

You can do this
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Old 16th December 2017, 1:44 PM   #245
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Hi all,

Taking advice and continuing to check in despite not being able to share "happy" news about how far I've come. The last few days should have been really happy ones for me - I was sworn in to the state bar, I have a few job prospects coming together for next year, and am ready to leave my current job whenever I can officially line something up. All of it feels pretty meaningless, though.

The holiday cards are coming in - all those happy, smiling couples and families. Yes, I know there's a lot behind the photos, and I know that no one's life is perfect. I accept that. It's still difficult to come home to an empty and lonely place every day.

I don't look forward to anything. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, and yet the very idea of trying to date or make the effort to bring someone new into my life is completely unappealing to me. I don't feel like I really know myself anymore. I've always been a very goal-oriented, driven person (aside from occasional episodes of loneliness/depression that never got this deep and never lasted this long...) and now I just feel like I'm floating and don't care about anything.

Anyway. No real point to this so much as to say it's a dark hour of the soul over here and I'm struggling to make it. I know there are likely other people struggling during the holidays and I wish you strength during these days, too.
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Old 16th December 2017, 4:25 PM   #246
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Good Morning Breaking Wave,

In the wisdom of my old age, I think you are trying to solve too many of life's problems all at once.

Try taking one thing at a time... prioritise your job and get that straight. You worked so hard to get there.

THEN look at the rest of your life. You have all your life ahead of you and I'll bet you won't spend it alone.
Season's Greetings to you from Australia.

I do admire your determination and your wonderful achievement. Those opportunities simply didn't exist when I was young.

Poppy.
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Old 16th December 2017, 4:35 PM   #247
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BreakingWave View Post
Hi all,

Taking advice and continuing to check in despite not being able to share "happy" news about how far I've come. The last few days should have been really happy ones for me - I was sworn in to the state bar, I have a few job prospects coming together for next year, and am ready to leave my current job whenever I can officially line something up. All of it feels pretty meaningless, though.

The holiday cards are coming in - all those happy, smiling couples and families. Yes, I know there's a lot behind the photos, and I know that no one's life is perfect. I accept that. It's still difficult to come home to an empty and lonely place every day.

I don't look forward to anything. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, and yet the very idea of trying to date or make the effort to bring someone new into my life is completely unappealing to me. I don't feel like I really know myself anymore. I've always been a very goal-oriented, driven person (aside from occasional episodes of loneliness/depression that never got this deep and never lasted this long...) and now I just feel like I'm floating and don't care about anything.

Anyway. No real point to this so much as to say it's a dark hour of the soul over here and I'm struggling to make it. I know there are likely other people struggling during the holidays and I wish you strength during these days, too.
Breaking Wave,

I'm sure other posters will disagree with me, but I think it's time you start dating again. Why? As much as you believe that you are never going to get over your xMW, the fact is that you don't actually longer for HER anymore. Instead, you're longing for an idealized, romanticized version of her and your relationship. Having been through many heartbreaks in my life, (I am now happily married), I can see now that this is when you are actually best ready to move on. It's not that you miss her. It's that you miss being in love and all of the possibilities that brings. It's time to have a date or two. You may develop a crush, you may not. But, it's time to start visioning yourself with someone else, even if it at first you only do it to lessen the pang of loneliness.

Get out there. Kiss some frogs. (And just kiss - no more. And only single ones. ) You may just fall in love again. I met my husband after one of my most serious breakups (we had been engaged), and I wasn't looking for love. I was convinced it was NEVER going to happen for me anyway. And somehow, without even wanting it to happen, my husband became the love of my life. You now face a crossroads: you can either sit on the bench spending the rest of your life mourning the "what ifs" or you can start to get back into the game.

Recovery is a time process, but it's also a process that - once enough time has passed - can become an active process. Take control. You are an attorney. You've got leads on a good job. I bet you're smart and funny and have a ton of interests that would appeal to a girl. Go find her.
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Old 16th December 2017, 4:40 PM   #248
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And to give you a little more inspiration...

I met my husband on a dating site that I signed up for, you guessed it, in December! I had gotten tired of being sad and lonely and signed up for the dating site. At first, the most I could do was log in to see if I liked anyone or they liked me. It actually took a full month for us to even regularly email and another two months for me to meet my husband in person (I REALLY wasn't in the mood to fall in love). But, it was a ton of fun to just flirt again.

Give it a try. It breaks you out of the soul-destroying mourning to have a little something to look forward to, even if it's just your computerized "matches" for the day.

FYI: statistically, the biggest "signup period" for dating sites occurs in December and January. For December, you have to think it's people being lonely over the holidays and in January, all of those new year's resolutions.

Last edited by georgia girl; 16th December 2017 at 4:42 PM.. Reason: One more thought...
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Old 16th December 2017, 6:21 PM   #249
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Thanks, Poppy and GeorgiaGirl. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement.

I did try dating for a while. I ended up excusing myself and having a breakdown in the bathroom because I was so miserable trying to get to know someone. I'm terrified of letting anyone in too close. After all, if my supposed "best friend" who claimed to be in love with me could do this to me... why trust anyone else? It took me 39 years to let anyone in to that degree. I'm just not interested in doing it again.

Also, I'm trying to get finances sorted. In the hetero world, men typically pick up the check (in the early stages, at least.) In my world, dutch is the norm. Dating is *expensive,* particularly if you're not really feeling the inclination.

I just keep asking myself why I'm here. So far all I've got is that I don't want to hurt my parents and friends. I realize that's not "supposed" to be why I'm staying alive, but right now it's all I have.
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Old 16th December 2017, 8:16 PM   #250
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Originally Posted by BreakingWave View Post
I just keep asking myself why I'm here. So far all I've got is that I don't want to hurt my parents and friends. I realize that's not "supposed" to be why I'm staying alive, but right now it's all I have.
Why you are here is a active and ongoing question. The answer is not in your past. It will be answered today, tomorrow and next year. Your purpose in life may feel unknown for the moment, but you have a great foundation to make your mark in this world.

To fall so far, where one question their existence, is a place where I have been. The dead lows. The disappointments. I had my moment of "clarity" when I figured out that change is not something you wait for, but a decision you make. I don't have advice on the lost love and how to get over it, but I hope your outlook on who you are and why you are here changes for the better.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 16th December 2017 at 10:03 PM..
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Old 16th December 2017, 10:38 PM   #251
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Date yourself. Go out and do new things, eat at strange restaurants, learn to knit or sew or how to make cabinets, get involved with lawyers groups and organizations, volunteer somewhere, get spiritual (whatever flavor you wish, it helps, trust me), take a class just for fun. Be more of the world so you have a reason to stay in it. Be open to love, but make a nice life as a solo traveler. If it happens, great. If not, great.

Also, might want to get a pet. I'm most partial to dogs and parrots, but plenty of other critters make fine friends. Give yourself something to love, that loves you unconditionally, and so that you don't come home to an empty house. I get excited to come home because I have a beautiful African Grey and a couple dogs I'll get to see when I walk through the door.
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I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
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Old 16th December 2017, 10:50 PM   #252
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There's nothing to gain when you let someone occupy space in your mind and heart that does not want to be with you. Hanging out with friends, writing journal entries, Netflix binge watching are ways that can help cope when you miss someone. This seems to be working for me at the moment.
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Old 17th December 2017, 5:13 AM   #253
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(((BreakingWave)))
I know the feeling of numbness and the feeling of lack of motivation... the feeling of meh when things that are considered good happen and we just stare blankly and feign excitement ... but in that moment, they mean nothing at all. It is like being dead inside, merely existing. And it is one of the main symptoms of depression.

I just wanted to share the following words with you from Rachel Mary Stafford's Only Love Today: Reminders to Breathe More, Stress Less, and Choose Love:

"This is what my note to self said:
Maybe the best thing you could do right now is just sit with it a while.
Maybe the bravest thing you could do right now is just decide this will not defeat you.
Maybe the most productive thing you could do right now is just fold your hands in prayerful silence.
Maybe the most sensible thing you could do right now is just laugh...laugh in the face of it all.
Maybe the most powerful thing you could do right now is just close your eyes and envision a positive outcome.
Maybe the most loving thing you could do right now is just give yourself room to breathe.
Maybe the best thing to do right now looks like nothing at all.
But it's not.
Because when you're gathering hope, it's patient.
When you're gathering strength it's quiet.
When you're gathering resilience, it's unnoticeable.
In the face of challenge and uncertainty,
sometimes the best thing you can do right now is just hold on."

It simply takes time, BreakingWave. And unfortunately, there are no shortcuts. Please don't give up.

I date myself, as MJJean suggested. Usually, I sit at the bar and make myself ask people questions - at least one question. My most recent self-date was to a quaint place where my agenda was to try a drink mentioned on the show The Blacklist. I also ordered a dip that turned out to be both healthy AND disgusting My question was to the server; how was this (crappy) dip made?? It obviously needed more of the bad stuff to excite my taste buds, but that is neither here nor there...

I have also decided to try out MeetUp.com just to get out there. Groups, no one-on-one pressure. But I realize you may not be up to doing this... even I didn't do it until I felt ready.

You will do things in your own time. Just don't give up on you.

Also.... I had a date pretty much planned last night. The guy never showed up or called. Well, not yet anyway. I decided that I am not yet ready to date based on this; I am just not ready to deal with new hurts where romantic partners are concerned.

Last edited by Vivir; 17th December 2017 at 5:15 AM..
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Old 17th December 2017, 9:43 AM   #254
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Thanks, y'all, for the great suggestions and taking the time to respond to my post.

I do have a pet - a wonderful 11-year-old Lab. Lately, she's been with my ex while I work a lot of extra hours, but I'll get her back this week. Having to take care of her does give me a sense of purpose, though I'm certain she'd be okay without me as well.

I've also joined MeetUp and have been to a local writer's group. I really enjoyed the people I met. Not at all open to dating right now - I just don't want to let anyone else near my heart, and I don't think it would be fair to date someone else while I'm still hung up on xMW. I also have no idea how I'm supposed to answer eventual questions about my last relationship. I'm sure many here can relate to feeling like damaged goods.

I feel like I'm doing the "right" things - they're just not clicking yet. The affair was, off and on, about eight months long. Only two really good months, followed by half a year of highs and lows, followed by me slowly figuring out that we were off for good because she never had the guts to tell me. Then followed by trying to be "just friends" and me realizing I couldn't, doing all the "right" things to get over it. We've been broken up now for about six months. I'm no closer to getting over her than I've ever been... which just kind of makes me feel pathetic, wasting time and energy on someone who clearly does not want to be with me.
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Old 17th December 2017, 12:08 PM   #255
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wasting time and energy on someone who clearly does not want to be with me.
This is life of the OW. Wasting time as if life goes on forever. Spending months and years of your life waiting and wishing for someone that will never make you truly happy. Draining you of the most precious thing in life......time. Not only are you spending your life treading water, but you are treading with a boulder tied to your leg, getting tired and giving up as the boulder drags you down slowly.

I am not some wise one, trying to dole out advice to save the world. Years ago, I decided to swim and save myself. My only regret is that it took me so long to make that decision.

We watched the Christmas movie last night. The one with the ghost of Christmas past, present and future. He wakes up and figures out it is still Christmas and he still has TIME to do the right thing. Make the decision to cut the cord and swim to shore.

I know it may look bleak, but we hope it is ok to wish you a Happy Holiday season.

C&C
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