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2 months of NC


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After a 3 years "on and off" relationship unfortunatelly we had a friction/argument and we are not talking anymore. He doesnt call me, txt me or e-mail me. When I need to reach him about a business related matter I ask my secretary to contact his secretary.

 

I am very hurt, I feel bad... we were having a geeat night when his wife started to call non stop for 20 min, and he was obviously very nervous. I asked him to thr. Off the phone and he refused. He told me he needed to go and I stood in front of the door and tryied to tell him how unfair and rude he was. He pushed me away and walked out.

 

I never called him again., he never attempted to contact me as well. I dont know what to think.

Edited by marische
I am 35 married for 9 years / He is 44 married for 20 years
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After a 3 years "on and off" relationship unfortunatelly we had a friction/argument and we are not talking anymore. He doesnt call me, txt me or e-mail me. When I need to reach him about a business related matter I ask my secretary to contact his secretary.

 

I am very hurt, I feel bad... we were having a geeat night when his wife started to call non stop for 20 min, and he was obviously very nervous. I asked him to thr. Off the phone and he refused. He told me he needed to go and I stood in front of the door and tryied to tell him how unfair and rude he was. He pushed me away and walked out.

 

I never called him again., he never attempted to contact me as well. I dont know what to think.

 

This should be a wakeup call.

 

In his eyes, you stepped out of your "place" on the side and demanded more than you were worth (in his eyes).

 

His wife is calling, while he's cheating. And you demanded he put YOU first. Which he didn't.

 

It's clear from that, he only wants to keep you on the side and if you try to stray from that mistress position, then you aren't worth the hassle.

 

Don't let people treat you like that. Chin up, be proud, find someone who wants you as their one and only .

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FoundMyStrength

Like aileD has said, what's clear from your story is that in your MM's eyes, you are second best. His wife is and will always come first. Ive been in LTR, and if a partner is calling you nonstop for 20 minutes, there's something wrong. He was guilty or worried or both. And his worry for his wife will ALWAYS be above any concern for you.

 

He's done you a favor. Once you know the real deal, once the MM lets down his mask, all of us OW should be running in the other direction. Also, if a man lays a finger on me, he'd have a hard time getting me to hold a door open for him much less want him in my life as a partner. Let him go. He's shown you who he really is.

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BluesPower

Sorry about your situation...

 

I am guessing that this is your first affair?

 

His wife is probably suspicious. Or needed him. I am guessing your husband in not around or you have a good cover story.

 

Don't worry, he will be back around when he wants to get laid again and it cools off with the wife.

 

Did you expect more than this from an affair between 2 married people?

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Sorry about your situation...

 

I am guessing that this is your first affair?

 

His wife is probably suspicious. Or needed him. I am guessing your husband in not around or you have a good cover story.

 

Don't worry, he will be back around when he wants to get laid again and it cools off with the wife.

 

Did you expect more than this from an affair between 2 married people?

Yes this is my first affair. I expected a little of respect, he acted like if the building was on fire because she was texting and calling non stop.

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Yes this is my first affair. I expected a little of respect, he acted like if the building was on fire because she was texting and calling non stop.

 

It's a little crazy to expect a married man to ignore his wife freaking out and to just turn off his phone and focus on you instead. She comes first because they're married, and also because if she finds out, you two are both toast. I was in the exact same position so I know what I'm talking about...

 

Frankly, you have to know your place. When push comes to shove, you don't get respect at the expense of his wife.

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wmacbride

This man doesn't respect you or his wife, for that matter.

 

Find someone who does. A man who will blow off someone to take your calls.

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FoundMyStrength
It's a little crazy to expect a married man to ignore his wife freaking out and to just turn off his phone and focus on you instead. She comes first because they're married, and also because if she finds out, you two are both toast. I was in the exact same position so I know what I'm talking about...

 

Frankly, you have to know your place. When push comes to shove, you don't get respect at the expense of his wife.

 

The corollary to this is that if you don't want to be in that secondary position, get out now. As soon as my xMM returned to his hometown and wife, I very clearly felt my demotion from the person he went to first with his life stuff (during a long term residential work assignment) to this bird he kept in a cage for whenever he felt like interacting with me. I decided I didn't like that cage very much. If you want respect, an affair isn't the place to find it.

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This should be a wakeup call.

 

In his eyes, you stepped out of your "place" on the side and demanded more than you were worth (in his eyes).

 

His wife is calling, while he's cheating. And you demanded he put YOU first. Which he didn't.

 

It's clear from that, he only wants to keep you on the side and if you try to stray from that mistress position, then you aren't worth the hassle.

 

Don't let people treat you like that. Chin up, be proud, find someone who wants you as their one and only .

 

The crazyest thing is that he doesn't call me, text me or talk to me but he asks about me to other people, and these people tell me "Hey ---- asked me if I saw you or talked to you recently..." I dont get it, if he wants to talk to me why he doesn't call me?"

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GeekLover
She comes first because they're married, and also because if she finds out, you two are both toast. I was in the exact same position so I know what I'm talking about...

 

Exactly this. exOM and I started off when we were both married. She used to do the same and it drove me crazy, but I let it go because I knew he had to reply.

 

Once my H discovered us, the tables turned and it was me having to accept phone calls/texts when we were together. I absolutely HATED doing. When I remembered, I'd turn my ringer off so I wouldn't have to hear it go off at all. It's all part of the game...:rolleyes::rolleyes:

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The crazyest thing is that he doesn't call me, text me or talk to me but he asks about me to other people, and these people tell me "Hey ---- asked me if I saw you or talked to you recently..." I dont get it, if he wants to talk to me why he doesn't call me?"

 

That's not crazy. It's stupid. And it means nothing.

 

Absolutely nothing

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That's not crazy. It's stupid. And it means nothing.

 

Absolutely nothing

 

Why is he asking about me? He knows how to reach me... Its weird.

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FoundMyStrength
Why is he asking about me? He knows how to reach me... Its weird.

 

Not so weird. From this board and my own experience, MM and their odd behavior is really reminiscent of middle and high school. Before he clued me in, I got really weirded out by my xMM staring at me and finding reasons to stay in rooms I was in in order to, not talk, but stare at me. In the absence of an ability to actually do what real people in real relationships do, they end up with the worst of the middle school crush behaviors. Including the "tell me what she's up to but I'm not going to actually talk to her" thing.

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Why is he asking about me? He knows how to reach me... Its weird.

 

Because it's easier to try to get you back then it is to groom a new mistresss.

 

Stop grasping at straws. You are focusing on breadcrumbs when the entire loaf of disrespect is sitting right infront of you.

 

Who cares about why he's asking about you? Forcus on why he won't leave his wife for you, why he disrespects you, why he pushes you, and why you want to be with a man who is cheating on his wife and clearly from everything you've said here just wants you for extra sex and attention????

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confusingme
Yes this is my first affair. I expected a little of respect, he acted like if the building was on fire because she was texting and calling non stop.

 

It's you yourself did not give respect to yourself by getting involved into an affair. He's bored in his life, then he saw your hand strengthed out, then he reached your hand, pulled himself up. And going forward. You are not even a second best. Sorry for the harsh words, but learned them from my own experience.

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freengreen

If you are looking for respect, its a wrong spot ( with a wrong guy) you are in. You can decide to step out of it if you want (?). ex OW here.

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jenkins95

(((marische))) my heart goes out to you. I know you are in a lot of pain - pain that the members here understand. You are amongst friends. Keep posting.

 

we were having a geeat night when his wife started to call non stop for 20 min, and he was obviously very nervous. I asked him to thr. Off the phone and he refused. He told me he needed to go and I stood in front of the door and tryied to tell him how unfair and rude he was. He pushed me away and walked out.

 

This is the nature affairs I'm afraid. It will only get worse the longer it goes on, the more feelings you develop and the more suspicious his wife gets. The fact is a wife SHOULD be able to call her H any time and not be met by his voicemail.

 

So please be strong and stick to NC now. Reclaim your life back and move forward. After all that time, he may well love you, but this illustrates in no uncertain terms where his priorities lie. I understand it only too well. I was a MM who developed feelings...but when my wife called - I went running. The whole situation is just so unfair to everyone.

 

In saying "If you're gonna be the side piece, learn how to play your position.", Tressugar means that if you want to be in an affair, then you, as the OW, should "stay in your box" not interfere with his relationship with his wife and accept that she comes first. If you start feeling ownership over him and feel that he belongs to you and not her, start wondering when he will leave her...then this is a pathway to heartbreak. Let's be clear, in affairs, nearly all paths lead to heartbreak unfortunately.

 

The two 2-6 month point of NC is really tough after a LTA. You normally get through the first few weeks on sheer determination and adrenaline alone, but when that dies down it's a loing painful haul. Stick it out and you should notice a genuine improvement in your mental state by 6 months. Full recovery, after a 3 year affair, will take a considerable time I'm afraid.

 

Get as much support as you can. Wishing you nothing but the best.

Edited by jenkins95
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What do you mean?

 

What they mean is that MM only wants you as a mistress and not as a real relationship. He's not willing to leave his wife for you. He's happy giving you a tiny bit of his life but not all of it.

 

If that's the type of relationship that you're happy with and is good enough for you, then there are some "rules" to being a mistress. The big one is

 

"Know your place". You're not his wife. You're not even his girlfriend. You're the mistress. You stay quiet. You stay discreet.

 

Other rules are:

-don't ask him to leave his wife

-be available for sex any time he can sneak away

-don't expect him to stay after sex

-don't expect him to be there for any important events in your life

-don't get pregnant

-and expect to be dumped cold turkey when wife finds out.

 

 

If that's the way you want to live and the relationship you want to have then that's fine but don't fool yourself. You're not THAT important to him. And I'm not saying that to be mean, he's already demonstrated that to you when you expected too much and tried to go outside the mistress rules.

 

Honestly. You deserve better. No man is worth telling yourself you're happy on the side.

 

You sound nice and well spoken, I'm sure you can find someone who will put you first in their life. Be there for you and put you on a pedestal. Don't waste your time with this guy.

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jenkins95
What they mean is that MM only wants you as a mistress and not as a real relationship. He's not willing to leave his wife for you. He's happy giving you a tiny bit of his life but not all of it.

 

If that's the type of relationship that you're happy with and is good enough for you, then there are some "rules" to being a mistress. The big one is

 

"Know your place". You're not his wife. You're not even his girlfriend. You're the mistress. You stay quiet. You stay discreet.

 

Other rules are:

-don't ask him to leave his wife

-be available for sex any time he can sneak away

-don't expect him to stay after sex

-don't expect him to be there for any important events in your life

-don't get pregnant

-and expect to be dumped cold turkey when wife finds out.

 

 

If that's the way you want to live and the relationship you want to have then that's fine but don't fool yourself. You're not THAT important to him. And I'm not saying that to be mean, he's already demonstrated that to you when you expected too much and tried to go outside the mistress rules.

 

Honestly. You deserve better. No man is worth telling yourself you're happy on the side.

 

You sound nice and well spoken, I'm sure you can find someone who will put you first in their life. Be there for you and put you on a pedestal. Don't waste your time with this guy.

 

Amen to all that. This post should be pinned.

 

Don't settle for crumbs..... You've done great to get through 2 months NC. Keep​ it going. Great things lie ahead if you can just break free from your addiction to him

 

Good luck

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Starswillshine

A lot of MM get into affairs because they need the extra validation, the attention, the ego strokes.

 

He can't contact you likely because his wife has found out. So his wife probably thinks less of him, so he surely isn't getting validation from her (but probably in the form of her pain, it is probably validating him). He is asking about you as well because if people tell him that you aren't in a good place, he gets extra validation as well. Affairs are all about the ego strokes, it is all about the weakness of the married person... it is about filling something missing within. When you start to realize how pathetic of a person he must be to have to have 2 women giving him attention, validation, you will start to be turned off. Kinda weak, isn't it?

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Overtaxed
What they mean is that MM only wants you as a mistress and not as a real relationship. He's not willing to leave his wife for you. He's happy giving you a tiny bit of his life but not all of it.

 

If that's the type of relationship that you're happy with and is good enough for you, then there are some "rules" to being a mistress. The big one is

 

"Know your place". You're not his wife. You're not even his girlfriend. You're the mistress. You stay quiet. You stay discreet.

 

Other rules are:

-don't ask him to leave his wife

-be available for sex any time he can sneak away

-don't expect him to stay after sex

-don't expect him to be there for any important events in your life

-don't get pregnant

-and expect to be dumped cold turkey when wife finds out.

 

 

If that's the way you want to live and the relationship you want to have then that's fine but don't fool yourself. You're not THAT important to him. And I'm not saying that to be mean, he's already demonstrated that to you when you expected too much and tried to go outside the mistress rules.

 

Honestly. You deserve better. No man is worth telling yourself you're happy on the side.

 

You sound nice and well spoken, I'm sure you can find someone who will put you first in their life. Be there for you and put you on a pedestal. Don't waste your time with this guy.

 

That last part is so important, this kind of thing will literally steal years from your life. He's living his life, your's is on hold. And, your chances to have children of your own (if you want them) also slip away when your in a situation like this.

 

I'm a very logical person, and, there are a couple of "good" reasons to get into an affair. Reasons that make sense based on logic; they are a "sensible" (if awful). If you want more sex, an A might be a good decision. If you want NSA sex, an A might be a good place to get it. If you want someone to inflate your ego and you don't care if they are lying or not, an A might be a good place to get it.

 

Beyond that? An A will not give you want you want. Most men enter into an A to get more sex, and that's exactly what they want and what they get out of it. Most women enter into an A to get emotional needs met; and they do kind of get them, but very often those needs are met by someone who's lying to you (and this become obvious the longer the A wears on).

 

In short, most of the time, an A is a terrible deal for a woman, and somewhere between a poor to a good deal for a man. If the man really just wants more sex, then an A will really fill that need, there's no "lying" about sex, it either happens or it doesn't. But there's plenty of lying about feelings, and, as your seeing, people will often lie about them to get what they are after.

 

Your place; in most cases, is that you are there for sex when he feels like it and when he's available. In return, he will feed you compliments (which often aren't true) and stroke your ego when he feels like it. If you're OK with that, then continue with married men. If not, move on and never look back.

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elaine567

And, your chances to have children of your own (if you want them) also slip away when your in a situation like this.

 

Mariche first post - I am 35 married for 9 years / He is 44 married for 20 years

The OP is a MW, not a single other woman, she may already have children.

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Mariche first post - I am 35 married for 9 years / He is 44 married for 20 years

The OP is a MW, not a single other woman, she may already have children.

 

You are right, I am married and I have a child.

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He is asking about you as well because if people tell him that you aren't in a good place, he gets extra validation as well. Affairs are all about the ego strokes

 

Well, what I can tell you is that I am in a great place professionally my carrear is great I have achieved a lot in the last 2 years. I have never looked better I have been running, working out and eating well. Honestly I don't need ego strokes, I had an affair with him because I felt physically and intellectually attracted to him and sexual chemistry was amazing. He also chased me for a long long time.

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It's a little crazy to expect a married man to ignore his wife freaking out and to just turn off his phone and focus on you instead. She comes first because they're married, and also because if she finds out, you two are both toast. I was in the exact same position so I know what I'm talking about...

 

Frankly, you have to know your place. When push comes to shove, you don't get respect at the expense of his wife.

 

I understand but is this a reason to complety stop talking with someone? I think he should have reached out to me.

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