Looking Back..

[LovelyLaura]

Hi everyone, not sure if you still remember me. I was here around 2012/2013. I was an OW to my married coworker and came here looking for advice! I remember that everyone was incredibly nice to me, some was more straight forward but it helped me see things clearly.

 

The whole affair lasted for less than 6 months. I felt so ashamed and decided to get out of it. Not easy for sure as I worked in the same company with MM. Went NC, didn't last long, NC again, he contacted me and that's the whole cycle. Decided enough was enough and I went full strong NC. I resigned from the job, moved to other country for a fresh start and new adventure, blocked him from every social media I have, met a new gorgeous 100% single man, and now I am happily married. Husband knows about my past and while he wasn't entirely happy with it, he accepted me for who I am and we've been together for almost 4 years.

 

The thought of MM never even cross my mind these past few years. But today one of my close friend caught her husband cheating on her. It brings back so many shameful memory of my own affair. My friend is a beautiful lady! She works super hard for her family. She raises her children well and keep the house so tidy and clean. She is not a slob and very well-organized. She looks so beautiful in her everyday outfit. Just the kind of lady that looks so well-put together and her husband is still cheating on her!! Can you believe that!??

 

I now realised ​that men well probably not all men, but at least my ex MM and my friend's husband were world-class jerks! And some men will cheat not because his wife is not good enough for him, but because they simply want to cheat. Hearing about the affair today, reminds me of my ex MM spouse. I remember she is a beautiful woman, older than me but she ages very gracefully (I saw her twice on company's event). She didn't work because she devoted all her life to her husband and their beautiful daughter. She worked out religiously to maintain her body and she does have a great body. She cooked and cleaned super well and basically is a gorgeous lady inside and outside. But when I was in the fog of affair, ex MM painted her as some sort of witch that doesn't make him happy. Oh the lies he told me!

 

Realising the whole thing about ex MM spouse and also my own friend, makes me think that no matter how great the wife is, it doesn't matter and does not make any difference if the husband wants to cheat. He'll simply do it! And even though the spouse is not so great, it still does not justify any affair!

 

I'm not sure what the purpose of my post is and I am so sorry for rambling. I just thought that I'd come back and share about this. Looking back, I was so naive and stupid for involving with a MM and believing all the lies he told me!! I deeply regret that whole portion of my life so much!!! So if you are an OW and still reading this, please please do consider about your decision and your own future. You deserve better! Don't be so naive like I was before and just stupidly believed in everything he said. Affair is wrong, NO EXCUSE whatsoever! If he really isn't truly happy in his marriage, then let him work it out himself. Don't get tangled into it. If he really loves you, then he'll know the right thing to do!

 

And if you are a betrayed spouse, I am so sorry for the pain you went through! Please know that nothing is wrong with you. You are good enough, you are beautiful in your own unique way! Stop blaming yourself!

 

I sincerely hope that what I wrote today will make a difference in someone's else life! I received so many great advices and helps back in 2012 from everyone here and it's only fair if I return and give the same courtesy to everyone.

Thank you for reading and I hope you have an amazing day ahead!

Edited April 21, 2017 by LovelyLaura

[Rebelnoir]

This is what I need to hear right now. Thank you for posting. Things have just ended with my MM, and I know I need to maintain NC in order to move forward and not get dragged back in. It's good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel, especially when I'm three days into NC and it all seems so hard. well done for moving forward. I know you have regrets, but be thankful you moved on, otherwise you'd have a whole lot more I'm sure.

[LovelyLaura]

This is what I need to hear right now. Thank you for posting. Things have just ended with my MM, and I know I need to maintain NC in order to move forward and not get dragged back in. It's good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel, especially when I'm three days into NC and it all seems so hard. well done for moving forward. I know you have regrets, but be thankful you moved on, otherwise you'd have a whole lot more I'm sure.

 

The first few weeks of NC is the hardest so hang in there! Be firm and strong! My biggest mistake was not resigning asap from my job as it kept giving him reason to contact me (exMM was my coworker). The day I quit the job and cut him off completely from my life was freeing asf!

 

Trust me you'll thank yourself later for ending the affair. I know I did! I wouldn't be able to meet my wonderful husband if I hadn't end it with exMM!

 

Please be strong! You deserved so much more than what you were getting. If his love is true than he'll prove it to you and treat you like a lady, not just some side chick.

 

I wish you the best of luck in the future and hopefully you'll move forward from this chapter of your life.

Edited April 21, 2017 by LovelyLaura

[Confused48]

You seem to paint the men in a bad light as compared to women. Don't forget these boards are littered with stories of married women who had wealthy, handsome, good in bed husbands but still, they cheated. Sometimes repeatedly and on the slightest of whims.

[Rebelnoir]

You seem to paint the men in a bad light as compared to women. Don't forget these boards are littered with stories of married women who had wealthy, handsome, good in bed husbands but still, they cheated. Sometimes repeatedly and on the slightest of whims.

 

I think as an OW my experience relates only to MM...I can't speak for an experience with a MW

[Rebelnoir]

The first few weeks of NC is the hardest so hang in there! Be firm and strong! My biggest mistake was not resigning asap from my job as it kept giving him reason to contact me (exMM was my coworker). The day I quit the job and cut him off completely from my life was freeing asf!

 

Trust me you'll thank yourself later for ending the affair. I know I did! I wouldn't be able to meet my wonderful husband if I hadn't end it with exMM!

 

Please be strong! You deserved so much more than what you were getting. If his love is true than he'll prove it to you and treat you like a lady, not just some side chick.

 

I wish you the best of luck in the future and hopefully you'll move forward from this chapter of your life.

 

Thank you. My MM is also a coworker and I'm not really in a position to change jobs right now so I know it'll be tough. But I'm determined. I'm not going back. Best wishes and thank you

[NTV]

Your friend, the one who's husband cheated, is likely going through some of the worst pain she ever has and will need your shoulder. Be there listen even if she is saying the same thing. When someone just finds out, it's horrible worse than a death... at least it was for me.

[LovelyLaura]

You seem to paint the men in a bad light as compared to women. Don't forget these boards are littered with stories of married women who had wealthy, handsome, good in bed husbands but still, they cheated. Sometimes repeatedly and on the slightest of whims.

 

Of course it applies to both sides when it comes to cheating. I didn't mean to antagonize men but I only share what I know based on my own experience. Since I was an OW to a MM and what happened to my friend's marriage, this is the realisation I have and would like to share with everyone.

[LovelyLaura]

Thank you. My MM is also a coworker and I'm not really in a position to change jobs right now so I know it'll be tough. But I'm determined. I'm not going back. Best wishes and thank you

 

 

Yes I totally understand the situation. I couldn't leave the job right away as well. I remember the uncertainty of my future if I just quit. So no judgement here

All I can suggest is try looking for a new job while doing the NC. Who knows what opportunity is there for you!

[LovelyLaura]

Your friend, the one who's husband cheated, is likely going through some of the worst pain she ever has and will need your shoulder. Be there listen even if she is saying the same thing. When someone just finds out, it's horrible worse than a death... at least it was for me.

 

I am so sorry for everything you went through! I know it's so much more painful knowing that the love of your life not only lies to you but also betrayed your sacred marriage vow. I try my best to be there for my friend but I understand that she also needs some alone time to figure out what she wants.

 

I came by to her house this morning bringing some food. I helped her doing the dishes and vacuumed her guest bed room. She seemed so grateful especially with the food because she is too distracted to cook for her kids. Seeing her like that, heartbroken and in so much pain, makes me realize what a horrible human being I was when I was still involve with MM. ExMM spouse went through the same thing and I feel so sorry and ashamed for causing it to her!

 

I said to my friend that I'll be here whenever she needs me. I did not ask her anything about her husband or the affair because I don't wanna intrude her privacy. I simply asked her if she's okay or if she needs anything. She just smiled and nodded and I can see how sad she is. She looks defeated, like life just punched her right on her face and stomped on her. I held back my tears and told her I'm going to buy some groceries for her later today, thinking that she'll need it but too shy to ask for help. Do you think this is the right way to help her? I don't want to intrude on her life and making her uncomfortable but I couldn't just stand there and doing nothing seeing her crumble in front of my eyes. Is there anything else I could do for her?

 

As for the husband, she kicked him out! I'm not sure where he stays right now. The kids do not know what happened, my friend told them their daddy is going out of town for business.

Edited April 21, 2017 by LovelyLaura

[Scarlett94]

I am so sorry for everything you went through! I know it's so much more painful knowing that the love of your life not only lies to you but also betrayed your sacred marriage vow. I try my best to be there for my friend but I understand that she also needs some alone time to figure out what she wants.

 

I came by to her house this morning bringing some food. I helped her doing the dishes and vacuumed her guest bed room. She seemed so grateful especially with the food because she is too distracted to cook for her kids. Seeing her like that, heartbroken and in so much pain, makes me realize what a horrible human being I was when I was still involve with MM. ExMM spouse went through the same thing and I feel so sorry and ashamed for causing it to her!

 

I said to my friend that I'll be here whenever she needs me. I did not ask her anything about her husband or the affair because I don't wanna intrude her privacy. I simply asked her if she's okay or if she needs anything. She just smiled and nodded and I can see how sad she is. She looks defeated, like life just punched her right on her face and stomped on her. I held back my tears and told her I'm going to buy some groceries for her later today, thinking that she'll need it but too shy to ask for help. Do you think this is the right way to help her? I don't want to intrude on her life and making her uncomfortable but I couldn't just stand there and doing nothing seeing her crumble in front of my eyes. Is there anything else I could do for her?

 

As for the husband, she kicked him out! I'm not sure where he stays right now. The kids do not know what happened, my friend told them their daddy is going out of town for business.

 

Whoever you were before Laura you are indeed a lovely lady now. What a thoughtful thing to do for her.

Perhaps you could take her children to the park for an hour or two? Give her some alone time maybe? Or just time to take a long healing bath.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think that's the perfect way to handle it. Be available if she needs a shoulder , be available if she wants to talk about something mundane. There's nothing wrong with telling her that you're there when she needs to vent as well as when she'd rather not talk about it at all. That's the best you can do. Very kind of you to bring food and help her with the home. She's likely not sleeping and on the off chance she does , she'll wake up feeling like she's been gut punched. Just be there. You're a good friend!

[NTV]

Give her either this website or the one for survivinginfidelity.

 

And then be ready to listen at the drop of a hat. Even if it's months or a year or two later. You will get tired of hearing her talk about it... but just keep letting her.

 

Be ready to dissuade her from irrational ideas like running over her husband lol.

 

That's what I suggest. Those are the biggest things you can do.