My exMM caused me so much pain

[Ahurtgirl]

If I could go back in time, I would never meet my exMM.

 

I was vulnerable. He manipulated me.

I fell in love with him. He told me he loved me everyday for 4 and a half years.

 

I reach out to his wife to check on his well being and immediately all h*** breaks loose.

 

I had to contact the police for protection from my exMM and his wife.

 

I have now spent 3k on legal fees in dealing with the aftermath of the affair because he and his wife have a dark side I never knew could exist. My experience could be a Lifetime movie. The dangers involved in contacting the wife, no matter what the reason, is real.

 

This whole experience affected my young child's sense of safety which hurts me the most out of everything.

 

I have matured more from this life experience than any other event in my life. I have lost many loved ones in my life and this was by far, the most pain I have ever been through.

 

If I could help even one person to end their affair before it gets ugly, I would. The married man you are currently involved with could end up hurting you, harassing you, threatening you, and team up with his wife against you and destroy your life. It happened to me. These things really do end badly!

Edited April 9, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[basil67]

The married man you are currently involved with could end up hurting you, harassing you, threatening you, and team up with his wife against you and destroy your life. It happened to me. These things really do end badly!

 

You said in a previous post that you contacted his wife. The two of them teaming up against you is pretty much what to expect as a result.

 

Did you know he was married when you started? What personal responsibility are you taking for this outcome?

Edited April 9, 2017 by basil67

[imsosad]

It s very clear how much you are still hurting. I'm sorry for your pain.

However, it has been a while now and your take on this seems to be that you were wronged and mistreated by mm and later, by his wife.

I think it is this misconception that is making it hard for you to heal and progress.

You must assume responsibilty for taking part in an affair for years.

You see yourself as the primary victim. How about his wife? Did you have a part in hurting her? Has she not been wronged, mainly by him but also by you?

Laying all the guilt at his feet and behaving like you have a reason to feel holier than thou will get you nowhere.

I am very sorry to read your child is affected. The worst tragic outcome of an affair is children getting hurt.

I must ask, Ahurtgirl. Whose responsibility is it to protect your child? Don't you have a part in this? If yoy had not inserted yourself in to this couple's marriage, your child would not be exposed to this stress.

I am not trying to bash you or belittle your very real pain. I do think you need to stop wasting your time on *them* and start looking at yourself. You are the only part of tjus equation that you can change.

[Ahurtgirl]

I explained what has happened to me to try to help others wake up and get out before they go even farther down a path that will end badly. I read often on here that people advise the OW to contact the wife. From my experience, that is the absolute worst and most unsafe advise to give. Just get out and not walk but run from the situation.

[curiouslysearching]

I cannot imagine the reasoning behind the TWO of them going

against YOU. Why in the world is the anger not focused on the

exMM? Why does he get a pass from his wife? Is there more

to the story aside from you simply telling his wife about the A?

[sandylee1]

I read often on here that people advise the OW to contact the wife. From my experience, that is the absolute worst and most unsafe advise to give. Just get out and not walk but run from the situation.

 

Your contacting the wife was a bit different. You contacted her because you were worried about him, not specifically to tell her about the A and that contact was very unexpected.

 

The very best thing would be not to get involved with a MM and I'm not sure why you don't see that as the main reason this all turned bad for you. The fact that you knowingly got involved with a married man, is the only one reason you are where you are and faced what you did.

 

I think it's good of you to try and warn others, but they won't listen, just like you wouldn't have listened if anyone told you to stop it.

 

OWs are usually of the mindset, that it's unique and special, very different than the rest. MM can be really good at making you feel so very special, but they need to do that.... As not many single women would stick around otherwise.

 

The reality is most people having affairs think they're dealing with a normal rational person (and betrayed spouse), if they thought "his wife will go crazy on me" if she finds out, or "her husband will beat me up" they probably wouldn't go down that road.

 

Similarly, if every MM thought "my OW could end up being a bunny boiler", he also wouldn't have an affair.

 

If anyone truly thought about the potential consequences of their spouse discovering an affair, there would be a lot less affairs.

[lostgirl87]

I have NO problem admitting my part and fault for the affair. However, to think that makes it ok for xMM and his wife to team up and "go after" OW, threaten her and make her fear for her safety is ABSURD! I expect some public shaming and verbal bashing but beyond that is simply wrong. And for the xMM to be partaking is riddiculus when he is the more guilty party. HE is the one who is married. Most likely, if he hadn't pursued the OW, an affair would've never happened. So spare me how the BS has a right to react to the news anyway she wants. She does but she also needs to be an adult and accept that if it wasn't this woman, it was going to be or will be another. The WH is the problem she needs to deal with. And the xMM/WH is just insane if he's continuously harassing his AP. It was HIS affair that he willingly participated in and most likely, most of the effort came from him.

 

OP, please never think you're entirely responsible for what you're going through. You are in the sense that you willingly had a relationship with a MM. if you admitted your part, apologized and walked away from him to let them handle their business then you did what you could to try and remedy a bad situation that you helped create. However, having to get police involved and to live in fear is NOT your fault. They are not dealing with WH's affair the correct way. They need to focus on each other, not you. You're already gone. There's no justification for this extreme situation.

[curiouslysearching]

I have NO problem admitting my part and fault for the affair. However, to think that makes it ok for xMM and his wife to team up and "go after" OW, threaten her and make her fear for her safety is ABSURD! I expect some public shaming and verbal bashing but beyond that is simply wrong. And for the xMM to be partaking is riddiculus when he is the more guilty party. HE is the one who is married. Most likely, if he hadn't pursued the OW, an affair would've never happened. So spare me how the BS has a right to react to the news anyway she wants. She does but she also needs to be an adult and accept that if it wasn't this woman, it was going to be or will be another. The WH is the problem she needs to deal with. And the xMM/WH is just insane if he's continuously harassing his AP. It was HIS affair that he willingly participated in and most likely, most of the effort came from him.

 

OP, please never think you're entirely responsible for what you're going through. You are in the sense that you willingly had a relationship with a MM. if you admitted your part, apologized and walked away from him to let them handle their business then you did what you could to try and remedy a bad situation that you helped create. However, having to get police involved and to live in fear is NOT your fault. They are not dealing with WH's affair the correct way. They need to focus on each other, not you. You're already gone. There's no justification for this extreme situation.

 

I agree with this post and again don't you think the ex MM should endure

MOST of the anger from the wife?

[lostgirl87]

I agree with this post and again don't you think the ex MM should endure

MOST of the anger from the wife?

Absolutely. But it must be easier for the BS to pretend the OW was the problem who tricked and manipulated her perfect, loving and innocent husband. To not think that way would be to admit there is a problem in the marriage/husband and that's something the BS is apparently not ready or willing to admit.

[curiouslysearching]

Absolutely. But it must be easier for the BS to pretend the OW was the problem who tricked and manipulated her perfect, loving and innocent husband. To not think that way would be to admit there is a problem in the marriage/husband and that's something the BS is apparently not ready or willing to admit.

 

Or she is simply NUTZ????? Could that factor into the equation?

[Rea]

Absolutely. But it must be easier for the BS to pretend the OW was the problem who tricked and manipulated her perfect, loving and innocent husband. To not think that way would be to admit there is a problem in the marriage/husband and that's something the BS is apparently not ready or willing to admit.

 

You have it in a nutshell Lostgirl! You find out you have been betrayed by your husband and all you want to do is become teamies with him to 'get' the OW?!?! This BS is clearly unstable, which is highly likely why the A even started. No matter who the A was with this BS would be behaving the same. That she could even 'team up' with this man is unbelievable, but to go to the lengths it seems they have, one can only imagine that BS is acting out what many BS's might 'dream' to do, but with the assistance of her WH she is getting to 'live out the dream' and so would feel 'supported' by him in their 'joint' revenge. This phase won't last, it will all come crashing down on both of them. She will wake up and smell the coffee or he'll think he is now 'so good' at this he'll start another A, but he'll be caught, because she'll be watching, even when he thinks she's not...

[Rea]

I explained what has happened to me to try to help others wake up and get out before they go even farther down a path that will end badly. I read often on here that people advise the OW to contact the wife. From my experience, that is the absolute worst and most unsafe advise to give. Just get out and not walk but run from the situation.

 

Ahurtgirl, I am so sorry for the trauma these people are putting you through. Affairs are never 'OK', even my own, but there is never an excuse or reason for adults to behave in such a way that you should feel so unsafe for your wellbeing and neither should they ever get away with making a child/your child feel that way.

 

Thank you for sharing and I hope you find peace and healing from this soon.

[curiouslysearching]

Ahurtgirl, I am so sorry for the trauma these people are putting you through. Affairs are never 'OK', even my own, but there is never an excuse or reason for adults to behave in such a way that you should feel so unsafe for your wellbeing and neither should they ever get away with making a child/your child feel that way.

 

Thank you for sharing and I hope you find peace and healing from this soon.

 

I agree Rea....there is simply no place in making another person feel that way.

I get that the wife is hurt but again why is her focus not on the H? Maybe

the OP can shed some light on that.

[Ahurtgirl]

He had warned me that if his wife ever found out, he was not going down looking like a "man whore" and would make sure his wife would see him as innocent, yet he manipulated me in so many ways to get me into the relationship. I take responsibility for being a people pleaser and easily manipulated but what him and his wife have done against me is wrong on so many levels. I'm not the type to get angry so hiring an attorney to protect myself was the scariest thing I have ever done but I had to do it for my young daughter and my safety.

[Starswillshine]

I agree Rea....there is simply no place in making another person feel that way.

I get that the wife is hurt but again why is her focus not on the H? Maybe

the OP can shed some light on that.

 

The OP hasn't stated what MM and his B.S. has done. I am curious as what it is.

 

But don't assume that if the BS has lashed out at the OW that her focus isn't on WH. I lashed out at the OW. She got a few snippets... in text form. My WH? Well ... He gets my anger daily.

 

Just because OW gets some anger from B.S., doesn't mean she doesn't hold her husband accountable. I know I do... the OW wouldn't be a presence in my life if he didn't invite her here. She also doesn't leave me alone... so she keeps inviting herself. If i remember correctly, there was some of that woth O.P as well. She made the BW out to be crazy long ago and claims there is no way she loves him, etc.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I cannot imagine the reasoning behind the TWO of them going

against YOU. Why in the world is the anger not focused on the

exMM? Why does he get a pass from his wife? Is there more

to the story aside from you simply telling his wife about the A?

 

This happens a lot. If they both blame and go after OW that makes it easier to make him a "victim" and OW the enemy. I know it makes no sense.

[curiouslysearching]

The OP hasn't stated what MM and his B.S. has done. I am curious as what it is.

 

But don't assume that if the BS has lashed out at the OW that her focus isn't on WH. I lashed out at the OW. She got a few snippets... in text form. My WH? Well ... He gets my anger daily.

 

Just because OW gets some anger from B.S., doesn't mean she doesn't hold her husband accountable. I know I do... the OW wouldn't be a presence in my life if he didn't invite her here. She also doesn't leave me alone... so she keeps inviting herself. If i remember correctly, there was some of that woth O.P as well. She made the BW out to be crazy long ago and claims there is no way she loves him, etc.

 

Those are good points and it is my error to not have recognized that. I am slowly seeing that the majority of my posts do not have much PRACTICAL or GOOD advice in them....LOL....sadly enough

[Ahurtgirl]

The OP hasn't stated what MM and his B.S. has done. I am curious as what it is.

 

But don't assume that if the BS has lashed out at the OW that her focus isn't on WH. I lashed out at the OW. She got a few snippets... in text form. My WH? Well ... He gets my anger daily.

 

Just because OW gets some anger from B.S., doesn't mean she doesn't hold her husband accountable. I know I do... the OW wouldn't be a presence in my life if he didn't invite her here. She also doesn't leave me alone... so she keeps inviting herself. If i remember correctly, there was some of that woth O.P as well. She made the BW out to be crazy long ago and claims there is no way she loves him, etc.

 

I believed what he told me. He made her out to be crazy and actually from what I have now experienced, they are both mentally unhealthy. It wasn't right being involved with a married man but having them threaten my safety and my young child's safety, is not okay either. I had walked away after talking to his wife (which was literally a three sentence conversation) and yes, vented on LS about the emotions I was going through but I was no longer in contact with him and definitely not inviting myself into her life. He reopened the door six months later by him and his wife harassing me, non stop calls to my home and they both also began harassing my extended family (people who they had never met or known!) and threats of causing bodily harm to both my child and myself.

 

I would hope the OW you are dealing with stops inviting herself into your life. I'm sorry you are having to deal with that and would guess in time, that will all stop.

[wmacbride]

I have NO problem admitting my part and fault for the affair. However, to think that makes it ok for xMM and his wife to team up and "go after" OW, threaten her and make her fear for her safety is ABSURD! I expect some public shaming and verbal bashing but beyond that is simply wrong. And for the xMM to be partaking is riddiculus when he is the more guilty party. HE is the one who is married. Most likely, if he hadn't pursued the OW, an affair would've never happened. So spare me how the BS has a right to react to the news anyway she wants. She does but she also needs to be an adult and accept that if it wasn't this woman, it was going to be or will be another. The WH is the problem she needs to deal with. And the xMM/WH is just insane if he's continuously harassing his AP. It was HIS affair that he willingly participated in and most likely, most of the effort came from him.

 

OP, please never think you're entirely responsible for what you're going through. You are in the sense that you willingly had a relationship with a MM. if you admitted your part, apologized and walked away from him to let them handle their business then you did what you could to try and remedy a bad situation that you helped create. However, having to get police involved and to live in fear is NOT your fault. They are not dealing with WH's affair the correct way. They need to focus on each other, not you. You're already gone. There's no justification for this extreme situation.

 

Neither the ow/om or mm/mw in an affair is a victim. they all amide choices, and that was one of them. It doens't make the awful people, it just means they made some bad choices, but all of us have done that at one time or another.

[wmacbride]

Absolutely. But it must be easier for the BS to pretend the OW was the problem who tricked and manipulated her perfect, loving and innocent husband. To not think that way would be to admit there is a problem in the marriage/husband and that's something the BS is apparently not ready or willing to admit.

 

The ironic thing is so many on here do the same thing.

 

The mm is not a predator, and the ow is not prey. They are two adults who entered into a relationship, and unless the mm lied and said he's not married, the ow knew full well what was going on.

 

Funny how he's simply seen as "misunderstood" when hes treating the bs like crap, but is he treats the ow that way, he's horrid.

[Midwestmissy]

Not every bs views the wh as the victim, I did not at all. Nor did I ever contact her, just her husband. I do think that some ow believe that there's a conspiracy after dday to demonize her, but it's not always true. He got the brunt of my anger because he was right there, every day, all pitiful and contrite. My anger at her was because she did not understand the meaning of "you're fired never contact me again". Some ow are embarrassed after the affair and put the work back towards their own families, never contacting the mm again. Those women aren't usually the ones who post here, because they're all kinds of busy. The mow in my case didn't want to "lose" and thought her magic powers were still in effect after it ended. She was a sad and pathetic 50 yr old who had 4 kids and a husband. But she was in no way more at fault than my wh. In fact, he was in a position of authority and was more in the wrong, legally.

 

My hatred turned to pity for her - she signed a release so she would leave the job with a payout. I wonder if she did that so he wouldn't be mad at her and she'd still have a chance, who knows. She still reaches out, all these yrs later, and we live really far away from her. I feel for her kids, really, since she's the type who follows whatever shiny thing she thinks is awesome (she thought my wh was, trust me, she was way off), and they suffer as a result.

 

But we never teamed up against her, the aftermath for me was all about triage and trying to keep my food down, and he was apologizing to everyone. We were anything but a united front or team.

[wmacbride]

I my case, my spouse actually was a victim, but not of the ow.

He was mentally ll at the time ( which has been verified by his psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.) He was a victim of himself.

[wmacbride]

I believed what he told me. He made her out to be crazy and actually from what I have now experienced, they are both mentally unhealthy. It wasn't right being involved with a married man but having them threaten my safety and my young child's safety, is not okay either. I had walked away after talking to his wife (which was literally a three sentence conversation) and yes, vented on LS about the emotions I was going through but I was no longer in contact with him and definitely not inviting myself into her life. He reopened the door six months later by him and his wife harassing me, non stop calls to my home and they both also began harassing my extended family (people who they had never met or known!) and threats of causing bodily harm to both my child and myself.

 

I would hope the OW you are dealing with stops inviting herself into your life. I'm sorry you are having to deal with that and would guess in time, that will all stop.

 

If they are doing these things:

-document and record all of it, no matter how small. Include dates and specific ties if you can. That way, you'll at least have that if you go to the police.

 

-don't be afraid to go to the police each time you are harassed. Again, this creates a paper trail of sorts that can help you later.

 

-talk to a lawyer, and be 100 percent honest with him or her. they can give you advice which can help a lot.

 

-stay away from them or places they might go. I know this sounds unfair, and it shouldn't have to be that way, but for now, it's best. even if you are there for a reason that's completely legitimate, they might turn it into something else. better to to open that door even a crack.

 

- make sure you have a strong support person in place. it can be draining having to deal with this kind of nonsense

 

I hope you can find a resolution for this. No matter what you did, they shouldn't be harassing you or your family.

[Ahurtgirl]

Both police and an attorney are involved. As I mentioned, I have already taken the necessary steps for protection. This post was to warn others to get out of their affair as there are more dangers than most realize by getting involved in an affair.

[somanymistakes]

There are dangers involved in any relationship, any partner could turn out to be abusive, people are beaten and murdered by their spouses every day but we don't tell people not to get married because there are more dangers than they realize.

 

I'm not trying to minimise your situation or say that your advice is completely wrong but I don't think it's the norm either