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Oops, am I the OW?


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Inspiteofrselves

We worked together for two years, and there was obviously something electric there. Not just attraction but real understanding and respect. He was married. We were very well behaved. Both recognized the attraction, didn't speak about it, and made it a point to never be alone together. Nevertheless, we talked all the time when others were in and ended up very close friends. We really supported each other professionally, and personally. (But made a point to never ever discuss romantic things.)

 

Everyone could tell we took a shine to each other, but We laughed the comments off.

 

His marriage was newish, childless, and not going well. He was such a great guy he never ****talked his wife to me, but other coworkers told me about it. Encouraged me to take a pass. I did not. But god I was on fire for this man. I just tried not to think about it, but ended up with really deep feelings for the guy, and left for another job and we basically rather dramatically, without admitting to anything, decided we needed to stop talking. It hurt but was easy in a way because I knew it was the best thing for him to try to work it out. I respected him for wanting to try with his wife, and wanted what was best for him. Really I did. I was sad but at peace and trying to meet someone as good as him who was available.

 

Six months go by. I hear from him. He wants to see me. He tells me he's leaving his wife, I say I'm sorry, he says he knows I am not. He tells me he wouldn't be seeing me if he wasn't. He's signed a lease and is moving in the next day, and telling his wife in the morning. And then.... I get a speech, Christ what speech laced with "I always"s and just very beautiful things. This is followed by a hell of a kiss. he comes home with me but we don't have sex because I just didn't feel comfortable with how recently he left his wife. he appreciated it. We talk all night and it was insane and deeply affectionate and natural. The morning brought no weird vibes. A kiss on the street as we left for work.

 

But

 

I feel so so so terrible. I held out for so long, and he's barely just left this woman and they are still legally married. I feel terrible for her, and terrible for him. Selfishly, I also worry that after all of this I put myself in a really bad position. I am serious about this man, and I can't see how it will work now, with what we've done. I haven't heard from him in a week. Did I burn this? Did I help this man cheat? God his soon to be ex probably hates me. What do I do? This is a once in a lifetime kind of man. He really is. I don't want to screw this up.

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Trust me on this.

 

Back off. A divorce is a huge thing. He needs to go through it alone and process things alone. Sometimes they go back and forth and you don't want to be in the middle of that.

 

Youve waited this long, you can wait til he's actually divorced.

 

Otherwise you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt

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whichwayisup

You know this is wrong, your gut is screaming at you too. Stop and tell him to call you when he's officially divorced and been on his own for a while. It's so unhealthy to just up and leave, move out and then start dating someone else the next day. You deserve better than being his side piece. I assume you want a man who loves only you, a healthy man who is ready for a relationship. HE has baggage, a wife and in laws, friends entwined with her.

 

RUN and tell him it was mistake. If you choose to still be with him be prepared to have your heart broken.

 

Yes I think he cheated and hasn't left his wife. You have no way of actually verifying if they are separating or divorcing unless you call her and tell her that you have feelings for her husband and you two fooled around.

Edited by whichwayisup
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Darren Steez
This is a once in a lifetime kind of man.

 

Who emotionally cheated on his fiance, then wife..then barely after "leaving" wife jumps to his next relationship...

 

Yup once in a lifetime kind of guy..

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bathtub-row

He's done the right thing by leaving his marriage but he's not aware of how much it's going to take out of him. Just let him go through the process before getting involved. I don't see him as a bad guy. He left her and then pursued you. Obviously the marriage was doomed.

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I'm a BS and I don't see you've done anything awful. But Bathtub is right: a divorce is a kind of death and you will do yourself a huge favour if you keep out of it until it is over. Otherwise you may well find yourself used as a 'soft landing' but not much more.

 

In addition, once truly free, and lacking the frisson of secrecy, it's very likely that much of the intensity of his feelings will lessen quite a lot.

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You haven't done anything wrong... yet. But if you let him jump into a relationship with you this soon after moving out you are putting yourself in a precarious position. You really need to let him sort out his divorce (which could take up to a year or more) on his own without you there as an emotional crutch.

 

The way I see it... if it's meant to be, it will be... even if it means you have to wait over a year to take this to the next level.

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OK so he tells you he will tell his wife (in the morning) he is leaving so he wants to meet you and you spend all night talking (and kissing) and yet he hadn't even told his wife at that point?? He then disappears off the radar.

 

MY guess is he is either in a whole lot of trouble with his wife for staying out all night and he is trying to patch things up, or he reneged and never told her he was leaving her.

He is now embarrassed to talk to you.

OR he thought by telling you he was leaving his wife, he was going to get sex and when that didn't happen, he is now reassessing the whole situation.

 

Be very careful. You may be projecting all your "deeply in love" feelings onto him. He may not feel the same, many MM talk the good talk...

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Good grief, look at all the miserable whatsits in here!

 

I think you've both conducted yourselves in as good a way as could be expected. If you're meant for each other then his divorce won't get in the way, it's just a bit of paper after all. Alright, it might be an expensive bit of paper...

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Good grief, look at all the miserable whatsits in here!

 

I think you've both conducted yourselves in as good a way as could be expected. If you're meant for each other then his divorce won't get in the way, it's just a bit of paper after all. Alright, it might be an expensive bit of paper...

 

It's not just a piece of paper. That attitude is why the divorce rate is so high.

 

 

Just as in any other break up, it's wise to wait awhile before jumping into dating.

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bathtub-row
OK so he tells you he will tell his wife (in the morning) he is leaving so he wants to meet you and you spend all night talking (and kissing) and yet he hadn't even told his wife at that point?? He then disappears off the.

 

Actually, I think you make a very good point. It seems like the same old game, doesn't it?

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So have you heard from him yet? Did he sign the lease?

 

I'm predicting that he didn't and he's decided to "work on my marriage"

 

That's the way it usually goes.

 

That's why it's good to wait for that piece of paper

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A week of no contact after telling you he was about to leave his wife would give me cause for concern.

 

He should have waited till he'd told her and was actually out of the marital home, and in his own place.

 

If he went through with his plans and moved out, what possible excuse could he have for not contacting you in this week?

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Inspiteofrselves

Not too much of an update--

 

I do know through mutual friends that he's moved out. But I haven't heard from him.

 

I really don't distrust that he's ending his marriage. He's a very honest guy. That doesn't stop me from feeling bad about this though. I will never be able to shake the guilt about the two of us having feelings while he was in his marriage, even though we did our best to avoid them. I really feel for his stbx. If I were her I would just HATE me. She must be in a lot of pain.

 

It's been almost two weeks since the evening we spent together. In retrospect, I was really clear that I wanted to wait to have anything remotely resembling a relationship until he had himself sorted. And I do think that's right-- I don't want to be a transitional person to him after all of this history. That could really hurt me. I want to take care of myself, and I think that's part of the reason we always got on. We trust eachother, usually, to be moralistic and rational and responsible.

 

I guess I just didn't think "not starting a relationship" meant "not talking at all." If it were any other guy, I would read this clearly as a lack of interest, but I just feel oddly sure the guy cares for me. I sure could be wrong though. I do know I am SICK of thinking about this, even after this relatively short reboot period. I just want to be communicated with.

 

I can wait if he wants me to. I can move on if he doesn't care for me the way I care for him. I just HATE not knowing. I am not young, and I want to find something serious not too long from now. I am over passing time in relationships that feel nice, but have no future. I am afraid if I wait it out he will never come, and if I move on, he will show up and make me want to leave a relationship I may find myself in in the future. I shut the book on this once and it was really hard.I missed his friendship and council when we werent speaking, terribly. I want his thoughts on many things, outside of whatever bizarre interpersonal relationship we're having-- but I was finally at peace with it. I was starting to try to put myself out there again when he popped up.

 

I talked it over with my dad, who's divorced, and he suggested just to ask the guy to breakfast. I did. Maybe dumb. No reply. It just blows my mind that he wouldn't say "no, I don't think that's a good idea."

 

I just don't know if I should be "giving him space" or "taking a hint"

 

I also really don't know if what I did, a few weeks ago was helping him to cheat? I just feel so guilty about it.

 

The whole thing is killing me. He didn't seem like he was spitting game at all. He seemed genuine and as torn up about it as me, and then he disappears? What could be keeping him from saying something? At the very least, we have enough of a friendship you would think he would let me know if he changed his mind... I am getting funny now and wondering if it was something I did. The night I was going to see him I very purposely dressed like **** and left the apartment a wreck in order to avoid the situation I got into anyway. He didn't seem to care in the slightest-- maybe he did? I'd never had him to my house, and I know I come off seeming very together at work. Maybe he was just shocked I was a single girl with a messy apartment and too many feelings? I asked him if he'd come back the morning he left, and his answer was "I haven't left" -- so maybe he was trying to tell me I wouldn't be seeing him again?

 

Advice on how to proceed very welcome. Do I move on from this now? I unfortunately can't live in a grey area in reguards to this man. I either shut it down, or wait while it just gets bigger in my head. There are a few very nice, very single men that want to date me. I just don't care for anyone the way I care for this man. I had really given up on the whole thing after my first big heartbreak years ago-- but now, this. I knew I cared a lot for him the past few years, but I also just assumed I could never have him, so I didn't think on it as much as I am now. It was just another sad thing that I was going to have to put away. He wasn't "mine" and never would be. Ugh. I just know if I end up with someone else, and he shows back up, it's going to tear me apart at the seams.

Edited by Inspiteofrselves
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Sorry, but I don't think he's interested. If he was he would have been in contact. Heck, he didn't even reply to a text.

 

Move on --- stop waiting around for him and stop kicking yourself for spending the night with a married man. His marriage, his issue. And I normally don't say that. yes, you still chose to become physical (kissing and such) with a married man. Even if he is allegedly 'separated', he is still married.

 

He knows how to find you should he be interested in dating you. Move on with your life.

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YOU can't hang on on here in hope. It is a waste of your time.

 

He may have left of his own accord or, she may have thrown him out for spending the night with you, who knows, but he may be now desperately trying to get back with her, hence why he has gone MIA.

Leaving a young child is often difficult and whilst he may not have been happy, there is a big difference between moaning about his lot and actually facing life alone in an apartment.

 

He has not run to you rejoicing in his freedom, has he?

He does not even want to text you, so I do not think you should think that he loves you or sees a future with you in it.

I guess he may want to hook up with you in a while if there is still no reconciliation and he has no other options, but my advice would be to move on.

 

The last thing you need in your life is to get involved with a man who has a recent "ex" and a young child. She will always be in his life and yours too, she will HATE you with a passion for ruining her marriage and there will be years of turmoil ahead.

YOU are young, free and single, go out and enjoy yourself.

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bathtub-row

It's remotely possible that his future ex went bonkers and he changed his phone number. I did that once. However, this isn't a relationship you need to hang onto or put your life on hold for. It's likely that he knows he's really messed up emotionally right now and doesn't want to involve you. The truth is, most men simply do not handle emotional situations very well and us women rarely understand their reactions and choices; and vice versa for them. We want to analyze and think of what ifs and all that crap. This kind of thinking won't serve you well in this situation. Just write him off and get on with your life.

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Let's pretend his marriage was bad because he was eating canned soup every day. Then you come along and you offer a bite of a sandwich. Now having had this sandwich he knows that he's been getting the short end of the stick for a long time.

 

But maybe he wants to see what everything else tastes like too. Maybe he wants to try fried rice and spaghetti and filet minon. He might come back if the sandwich was best. But he's gonna wanna sample what's available first.

 

If you want him just let him experience freedom for a while. If it's meant to be he'll come back in a year or two.

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travelbug1996

Screw him. He probably met another OW. You say he's an honest man? He is far from honest. No man cheating on his wife is anywhere near honest. Don't be naive. Move on and date others.

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He probably downloaded Tinder and went to town. If he's finally single, why would he settle on one woman, when there's a whole buffet out there.

 

Time to move on.

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Inspiteofrselves

I just want to clarify a few misunderstanding here-- I'm not sure that he cheated, as he left before taking up with me. His wife understood he was preparing to do so for some time. I agree that it's sloppy and no good and feel very bad for his STBX-- I feel bad about getting in the middle of that situation so quickly-- but I don't think the man was dishonest. I think we both excercised a lot of restraint for two years. I just wish we'd waited it out a bit longer.

 

Anyway, I still haven't heard from him. This really suprises me, as we have a history of friendship-- so it doesn't really make sense to chose me of all people to ghost. He had to go fairly far out of his way to do it, and has his pick of much more attractive women. 99.9% of our relationship was non sexual. When he showed up, there was talk about children and long harboured feelings and-- it just didn't have the air of a one night stand.

 

Part of me wants to send the "Napalm Email." That is to say "Hey, why did you chose me to do this to?" in a much more appropriate way. The truth is, in a strange way, I really wouldn't be heartbroken if he said "I was just got out of an unsuccessfull 3 year marriage and need to bang a bunch of girls/be alone. Sorry" or even "I made a horrible mistake, and that didn't go how I thought it would" or "Just hang on." --- but the silence is driving me insane. If it were some guy I met casually (not my style, but have done it once or twice) it would sting to be ghosted, sure, but it just wouldnt stress me out so much. I think I've been in love with this guy for a long time. Which is SOSOSOSOSO stupid. But makes this more complicated.

 

It's too strong to get over without some answers. How crazy will I look if I ask for them? Wish he'd just stayed gone.

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I just want to clarify a few misunderstanding here-- I'm not sure that he cheated, as he left before taking up with me. His wife understood he was preparing to do so for some time. I agree that it's sloppy and no good and feel very bad for his STBX-- I feel bad about getting in the middle of that situation so quickly-- but I don't think the man was dishonest. I think we both excercised a lot of restraint for two years. I just wish we'd waited it out a bit longer.

 

Anyway, I still haven't heard from him. This really suprises me, as we have a history of friendship-- so it doesn't really make sense to chose me of all people to ghost. He had to go fairly far out of his way to do it, and has his pick of much more attractive women. 99.9% of our relationship was non sexual. When he showed up, there was talk about children and long harboured feelings and-- it just didn't have the air of a one night stand.

 

Part of me wants to send the "Napalm Email." That is to say "Hey, why did you chose me to do this to?" in a much more appropriate way. The truth is, in a strange way, I really wouldn't be heartbroken if he said "I was just got out of an unsuccessfull 3 year marriage and need to bang a bunch of girls/be alone. Sorry" or even "I made a horrible mistake, and that didn't go how I thought it would" or "Just hang on." --- but the silence is driving me insane. If it were some guy I met casually (not my style, but have done it once or twice) it would sting to be ghosted, sure, but it just wouldnt stress me out so much. I think I've been in love with this guy for a long time. Which is SOSOSOSOSO stupid. But makes this more complicated.

 

It's too strong to get over without some answers. How crazy will I look if I ask for them? Wish he'd just stayed gone.

 

You may just have to find your own answers and realize he just isn't worth it. I think some people are cowards and can't face people and simply say, "I need time to work through my stuff" or "I don't want to see you anymore." I'd even take that stupid line, "I like you as a friend, but no more than that."

 

In other words, unless he contacts you, you may never find out. I think that was the hardest thing about my OM ghosting me was never finding out. I thought I needed that "closure." But I've since learned, I have to make my own closure and I'm looking hard at why I did what I did with who I did it with. (I'm a WW).

 

I say date the other guys. Even if your heart isn't in it, you can still be honest with them and go out and have fun.

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I just want to clarify a few misunderstanding here-- I'm not sure that he cheated, as he left before taking up with me. His wife understood he was preparing to do so for some time. I agree that it's sloppy and no good and feel very bad for his STBX-- I feel bad about getting in the middle of that situation so quickly-- but I don't think the man was dishonest. I think we both excercised a lot of restraint for two years. I just wish we'd waited it out a bit longer.

 

Anyway, I still haven't heard from him. This really suprises me, as we have a history of friendship-- so it doesn't really make sense to chose me of all people to ghost. He had to go fairly far out of his way to do it, and has his pick of much more attractive women. 99.9% of our relationship was non sexual. When he showed up, there was talk about children and long harboured feelings and-- it just didn't have the air of a one night stand.

 

Part of me wants to send the "Napalm Email." That is to say "Hey, why did you chose me to do this to?" in a much more appropriate way. The truth is, in a strange way, I really wouldn't be heartbroken if he said "I was just got out of an unsuccessfull 3 year marriage and need to bang a bunch of girls/be alone. Sorry" or even "I made a horrible mistake, and that didn't go how I thought it would" or "Just hang on." --- but the silence is driving me insane. If it were some guy I met casually (not my style, but have done it once or twice) it would sting to be ghosted, sure, but it just wouldnt stress me out so much. I think I've been in love with this guy for a long time. Which is SOSOSOSOSO stupid. But makes this more complicated.

 

It's too strong to get over without some answers. How crazy will I look if I ask for them? Wish he'd just stayed gone.

 

I think you need to just let it be. Don't contact him. Maybe he needs time to reassess and make some decisions without you in the mix.

 

You can date casually. Go out continue to do things.

 

I get the sense that the feelings are mutual. But he needs some space. I get the feeling he will be back, but maybe wants to be totally free when he does.

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