found out about another woman, but turned out I was the other woman.

[confused1968]

[font=times new roman][/font][color=blue][/color]

 

When you find out your're the other woman; what to do?

 

I don't want to make this story too long so I'll try to be as brief as possible. I met a man online in January of 2002 when he contact me after viewing my online public profile which had my photo on it. He wrote and said he liked my photo, thought I was cute, and was interested in getting to know me. We chatted for months getting to know each other. The chatting and emailing led to telephone conversations. After several months passed I asked if he had any children with his ex wife and he said his only son died several yrs back by drowning which led to his divorce. I, by the way have three children and had a tubal so I wouldn't have more children. After about 8months of telephone conversations we finally met. It was instant love. We were already so close because of all the conversations in the past.

 

We spent as much time together as we could. He lives in Wichita Falls, Texas and I am from the central texas area. Our relationship was a good one and we became closer as time went by. He even brought up wanting to get married. I visited him in WF once and didn't have any reason to be suspicious of anything at the time. He would show me pics of his deceased child and we would cry about it together. One day when he came to visit a police officer friend of mine was in the neighborhood and ran the license plate on my boyfriend's car, not knowing it belonged to someone I knew. He called me several days later asking me who TG is and I asked him why. He kept asking me but I didn't know why until he asked who's car was in front of my house. When I told him it belonged to my boyfriend he said it was registered to TG which was his ex wife and was recently registered at ???? address. I was shocked. He gave me the name of my boyfriend's supposed ex wife and his current address. When I confronted my bf he said he borrowed the car from a friend after he wrecked his truck and didn't know why it was in her name. That is when I started doing all I could to find some answers. Searching the net, going through his things, etc..... I found out there was no evidence of divorce no matter what county he kept directing me to and that he had 5 sons which he later tried to confess were his nephews. He told me he was taking care of one of them and he even brought him to my house. He had this 13 yr old boy tell me he was his nephew when it turned out to be his son. I didn't believe all his stories and explainations after that and kept searching. I found out he is still married, but says he is in the process of getting a divorce and has been separated for some time. I don't know why I didn't end it then, all I knew is that I loved him and wanted so much to believe him. Not to mention, I was in denial partially about being done the way he did me. I am not some tramp homewrecker. I am a professional woman and he is a professional man. I just couldn't believe all this mess I found myself in.Three years have passed and he confessed he was lying to me intially and apologized for starting the lies with me. He said he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. He said he procrastinated about the divorce because of extensive financial reasons but was handling everything.

 

I went so far as to try to contact his wife via email, which may have been a mistake, but I needed some answers and he wasn't giving them to me. She didn't reply and he told me she forwarded the email to him and asked to be left alone. I don't know that she didn't question him and he gave an explanation she believed. I have met his parents and a brother. They never bring up the wife, just the kids. He gave me a $7,000.00 diamond engagement ring and has taken me to Cancun and we are going again in a couple of weeks. Could it be he is telling the truth or perhaps his wife just doesn't care that he is cheating? I wish I knew the truth, but can't really afford a private investigator. I have contemplated just showing up on his door step unannounced, but not sure if that is the right thing to do. He has met all my family and all my friends. I have even posted photos of us together online. Please help someone. I don't want to be the other woman. I know some of you will be sarcastic and critical but maybe it is what I need to hear. There is so much more to this story, but space and time limits me. Sorry for making this so long.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have contemplated just showing up on his door step unannounced, but not sure if that is the right thing to do.

 

Outside of that, I can't think of any other way you are going to find out the actual truth of the matter since you can't afford to hire a PI. Sometimes it takes seeing to believe. You find out the true measure of a man when you catch him in a corner with nowhere else left to lie to.

[blind_otter]

I think LB is right.

 

Although I've heard of people who have "estranged husbands/wives" who they are still married to, but don't live together and carry on separate lives. Why he woudl give you a big honking expensive engagement ring if he's still living with his wife is beyond me, though. This is definately a bizarre case.

[confused1968]

Thank you LB and B_O for your replies.

 

He is always the one visiting me and has never asked me to visit him after I found out about the wife. I have never met anyone he works with, although I have met him in several cities while he is on a business trip. Once he even came by and picked me up to spend time with him on a day I later found out was his wedding anniversary.

 

I want to believe in him and I do love him, but considering his initial lies I just can't totally trust him now.

 

He will never know the pain he caused me, especially when I found out the child I spent hours crying for didn't exist. The pictures he showed me were of his youngest child, which is still living. I had mentioned having a tubal done in my initial post. I was even considering a reversal to have a child with him. Glad I didn't.

[shellys-trying]

this case is indeed bizarre. IMO, this guy is some kinda bad news, I just can't figure out how, just my gut instinct, I guess.

 

You met him online? He sounds very odd to me. There's way too many SG out there. I'd get away from this dude! You might get more than you bargained for and his wife who doesn't seem to care about the affair...

 

what if she decides to care one of these days? You might be dealing with a very volatile situation!

 

Just a thought!

[STor]

He lied to you about being divorced, having 5 sons, and a deceased child? And you still accepted an engagement ring from him? This guy is married! Married to someone else, don't you realize that?

 

I don't understand how you could even expect that you will be able to trust him one day--this guy is very obviously a sleaze, and not someone who you should love. It's your choice whether you act on your feelings or reason... My advice: RUN!

[confused1968]

Thank you shellys_trying for your thought.

 

Never thought of the wife as being a threat but it is a good thought. She is definitely in the position to cook up some trouble seeing that she works for the Texas DPS. She may have even looked up some info about me in my driving record. I just can't understand why she wouldn't reply, caring or not. If someone confronted me I would reply, then perhaps add that I would rather not be contacted again.

 

I wouldn't just stand back and expect my significant other to provide me with all the answers. When doubt is raised, I have to find the truth out.

Just wish I knew the truth in this case.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, the W is the least of your worries. You are involved with a man who not only lied about the death of a child, but was able to successfully trick you by putting on such a convincing emotional act about it. If he is able to fake a depth of emotion like that over a fictional child, and fool you into believing it - then you'll have to understand that nothing else he says or does, no matter how convincing can be trusted as the 'truth'.

 

Be very, very careful. For everything he is telling you, he is probably telling the wife something completely different. For all you know, he has her convinced you are a delusional dangerous stalker.

 

If you do choose to show up on the doorstep, take someone with you to wait in the car. You'll find with some of these H's that despite the promises of undying love, and passion when you cross over into his turf - they become very, very protective of the W and security of their home life they claim to want so badly to get away from and they can get very, very mean when they turn on you.

[me again]

He gave you a ring, your engaged.. why CAN"T YOU just show up at his door step?

 

If you have such doubt, don't marry him, your already not sure and I know that just by you posting your pre-wedding issue here.

[aklost101]

i too met MM online. he never told me he was married. one evening while we were out together i asked him "have you ever been married" and he told me all about his first wife and how they divorced b/c of his work etc. a few months later while we were out again i noticed a very distinctive tan line on the 3rd finger of his left hand. i tried every option of rationalizing it and at one point in an online conversation said "that's a nice tan-line on your finger. where did you get it" figuring he'd come clean. no dice. i took it upon myself to start asking questions.... i started leading conversations with people at work to people around him that i knew of (not a whole lot of info, but enough that i could look to later), i would also ask people he's introduced me to about him. finally i started looking online and in back editions of newspapers.

 

after being clever enough to tie loose ends together i found his wife's name. and then her address. i debated whether or not to drive by. eventually i did. saw his car in the driveway. rationalized it as a fluke that maybe he was just picking his kids up for visitation... not the case though.

 

he's not too careful about seeing me though. he doesn't take me to out of town places (unless it's something special like an opera, etc)

 

finally one night i broke the news to him that i had found out about his wife and 2 of his children... his only response was "who told you?" not regret. not remorse. not even shame. and yet i stay. self-esteem be damned. i've tried to bring it up time and again to find out what he's seeking with me... why he didn't tell me... he says only "i guess it was inevitable that you would find out. it is a small town" and "she and i are more like roommates".

 

technically MM never lied to me about her/them, only lied by omission. the man you are seeing scares me for you though.

you say you are going to cancun w/ him. (a 2nd time) was the first time you went before you let him know what you found? or after? if it was before i would seriously reconsider going with him a 2nd time. "what happens in mexico stays in mexico" you may not come home... he doesn't sound stable.

 

good luck, confused.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Wow.

 

Lies, lies…so many lies. I don't know what further proof a PI could provide that you haven't already discovered yourself.

 

For me, it wouldn't matter one iota whether he was still legally married or not. The fact that prince charming was a phony from the get-go would be enough to send me running for the border. I'd have to shower for weeks just to rid myself of the "yucky" residue.

[FolderWife]

I went through basically the same thing!

 

Except I was 16 with a 17 year old liamaniac. I didn't find out until two years later, RIGHT BEFORE my 18th birthday, that everything he ever told me about himself was a lie.

 

I dumped him. He didn't lie about his kids, he didn't lie about his wife, he didn't lie to that extreme...he just lied when he didn't show up to church one morning, he was doing drugs and pretending to be a goody two shoes, he said he was working to pay for his new car, when in reality his mommy was paying for it.

 

Little unimportant lies. But I dumped him none the less. Who wants to be saddled with a liar the rest of their life?

 

My husband lies about things like porn etc....I almost left him over that. I think you need someone you can trust.

[confused1968]

Thanks for all the wonderful in put. You are all telling me things I have told myself but need to hear from outside sources who aren't directly involved. All my co-workers know about him and have met him. They don't like the lies he has told but none of him believe he could be carrying on two lives like that. They tell me they can definitely tell he is in love with me and he does so muc for me. I guess he has all of them fooled too. They tell me that no one could be that good to carry on two lives that way. He spends almost every weekend with me. He pays for everything mostly by credit cards; I would expect someone hiding things from his wife to pay by cash. I wonder how he explains being away so much. I know he travels alot with work, but when he is not busy with meetings he seems to want to spend all his time on the phone with me.

 

When he is at home, he keeps me on the phone for hours because he fears I may be talking to another man. I tell myself it is just normal jealousy but at the same time I think it is because he likes having something to argue about other than the lies he has told me. I rationalized to myself the reason for the lies was because you can't be too trusting of people on the net with all your personal information but at the same time I would have expected him to come clean on his own without me having to find out or trying so hard to stick to the lies. I also told myself he lied about it all because perhaps he was just wanting to flirt or have a fling on the side and never expected our relationship to grow, but when you start with lies how can you go back and change things? I told him I had three kids and I couldn't wait for them to grow up so I could be on my own and that I didn't want more kids. I thought maybe that was it. How do you tell someone who doesn't want more kids, you have 5 kids of your own? No matter how I try to rationalize things in my head a lie is a lie is a lie; and you just don't lie about your family. If he didn't want to tell me everything about his life I would have rather had him say he wanted to get to know me more before he told me everything, then to just start out with a lie.

 

You would also think someone would eventually get confused as to whom they have told what to, but he tends to remember things very well. He can remember exactly what he has said , when he said it, and what we were doing when he said it. I found that out when I tried to mix things up a bit to catch him off guard.

 

As far as our trip to Cancun, one person asked if the first trip was before I found out about things, the answer is no. I had already known and was almost afraid of going then, but everything was fine and romantic. Plus I made sure I checked in with my family on a regular basis and they all had info as to where I would be and when I would be back. I kept my cell with me at all times just in case I needed it.

 

I guess what gets me the most is my dad says he really likes my boyfriend, but at the same time doesn't trust him. He says he is a good person, but fears he would get too possessive over me if we were to ever get married. Even though I hate admitting it, my dad has never been wrong about the men in my life.

 

Thanks again for all the input.

[forms]

The man is a sociopath. He's a classic psychopath/sociopath. Please don't think you have to be a serial murderer to be a psychopath. That's only an extreme form of the condition. I know you will not believe me, so please spend several hours this evening and research the terms. Also research narcisstic personality disorder.

 

His wife has done nothing because he has fed her as many lies as he has fed you and she believes them. You will never untangle all the lies and motives behind his actions. You will never understand. A man who invents a dead child, who calls his sons nephews and makes them repeat the lie, who has done all the things you say he's done is mentally ill. Not mentally ill in a chemical imbalance sort of way, but in a character defect personality defect way. A way that psychiatry cannot fix.

 

Please look at the whole picture. He gave you the ring to throw you off the track of what's really going on. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it were stolen or cubic zirconia or something. He's monitoring contact with his wife because he doesn't want you to talk to her. It would upset the set of lies he has her believing.

 

I'm sorry, I know you don't want to hear this and it sounds extreme. But your guy is a classic. Return the ring, cut off all contact, and nurse your broken heart by researching this type of person. Please don't blame yourself for getting caught up in his insanity; that's how it is with people with personality disorders. Most people like them, they are very likeable.

 

If you continue with him, he will suck all the life out of you (and probably end up draining your bank account).

 

Sorry to sound alarmist, but you have a big, big problem here. Don't make excuses for him.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with Forms here.

 

He lied about a deceased child and you forgave him? You need some individual counseling as well- in love or not in love. That is the lowest of the low of all of the lies I've heard.

[confused1968]

Thank you Forms and Mz.Pixie for your honest words of wisdom.

 

I have often felt the same way, but yet keep getting sucked back in.

 

You are right in saying that I should get some help for myself. I need to know why I fell into his trap to begin with so that I don't repeat the same mistakes. Where relationships are concerned, I just don't seem to make the right choices. My first husband abused me and caused me to have a miscarriage. We were married for almost 5 years but probably spent about a year and half together. It wasn't continuous time though, a few months here and there is all we could manage with all the fighting. He apologized over and over and I bought his lies of regret. After we divorced he confessed he knew what he was doing, but he didn't understand why he wanted to hurt me so bad.

 

My second husband was another mistake. He wasn't bad to me. He never abused me in any way nor did he cheat on me, but we were close friends who never should have been together, much less have a baby together. I went back to college and obtained my nursing degree and when I started working, he decided he just wanted to lay around and be lazy. He spent a lot of his time fishing and hanging out with friends while I worked nights, then came home and took care of three kids, home, and trying to get some sleep to be able to do it all over again.

 

I am so tired of being hurt all the time and think perhaps I should just enjoy my time with my children while they are still home and just forget about men for awhile. I don't need the stress or the heartache.

 

I guess I should guard all my personal information if you think he may try to get anything from me. I never had that thought in my mind being that he is a very successful architect and is the one who gives me money all the time for paying bills or going shopping.

 

Anyway, I know I can't do this forever. No one should have to live their life with someone they can't trust.

[forms]

He doesn't have to take your money because he needs it--he might take to to make you dependent on him.

 

Or whatever. There's no knowing with this type of person. The smartest thing is to stay away from them, understand the methods they use and not blame yourself for getting involved. These guys are very good. Like I said, not all sociopaths are serial murderers. Many, many, many are successful in society. They got that way because they have no conscience and are good liars and charming and willing to do anything to anyone to get what they want.

[cow]

it is true i have had a relationship with one of these,

everybody loved him, except me in the end

he could tell the most far fetched lies in an instant and show all the matching emotions,

the first thing that drains you is the lies, getting to the bottom of them, then the frustration with them and why they are being told constantly even when they are bound to be exposed in the future.

this guy would "buy" me things, turned out they were all borrowed

then its that they never know their own personality and nor do you

the jealousy gets insane, it got to the point i could not go anywhere without him and his friends checking up on me, or he would come out with the hugest fantastical sob story just before i had to go until i had to say come with me and then he would be lying to my friends or trying to control me with them

the most draining thing by far though is trying to get away from them, in my case i would end things and he would feign understanding and acceptance, by the same afternoon he would be there having let himself into my house (he had got keys cut from mine without me knowing) pretending nothing had happened.

then when confronted he would go through every tactic and every emotional blackmail he could think of, getting angry and violent in between. he would cry like a baby and hammer his fists on the floor too, it was so draining to deal with

obviously i had to get a restraining order but nobody believed me, they thought i was the nasty messed up one

it was one of the most draining situations i ever went through, i still to this day have commitment issues because of it, the reason i ended up with a mm i guess

YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS

[confused1968]

Dear cow,

Sounds like you know Michael. Did you describe him to a T. He is very very jealous. He doesn't want me talking to another male , "behind his back" he always says. I maintain a friendship with an exboyfriend of mine and he hates it. He and I have this very strong connection, but as far as a love relationship, that will never be again. Too many problems with trust on both our parts, so it would never work out. Anyway, Michael has called this man on several occassions and told him to stay away from me and leave me alone. He told him I didn't need him and he could provide for all my needs. Michael always tells me the same things too. He tells me all he has ever asked of me is to "stop these things", meaning stop communication with Louis (the ex). He tells me that if I talk to him behind my back knowing he doesn't like it, then I am the one cheating on him and any decent human being would agree with him

He keeps me on the phone for hours on end when I am off of work and doesn't even say much of anything. He gets mad when I point that out or when I try to tell him to call back or I will call back. He thinks if I am off of work and it is late and I am asking to return the call, then I must be going to talk to someone else. When he get ready to go to sleep, usually around 1:30 or 2 am, the he tells me, "It is time for sleep. You go to sleep too baby". I just say ok and hang up. He doesn't understand that because I have been working nights for 5 years, two in the morning is like two in the afternoon to me. I usually keep the same schedule all week unless he is going to be here. In that case, I usually get off of work and stay up all day until about 5pm, then I will take a nap while he is on the road, so that when he comes in we can go to dinner or a movie, then come home and go to bed.

He says he only has a problem with me wanting "attention" from other men, but he also gets upset when I do things with the other nurses from work. Everyone likes him and they tell me when we are together they can tell how much he loves me and that I have his undivided attention. They tell me that if he didn't love me, he wouldn't drive 3 1/2 hours each way almost every weekend to be with me. I have joked around with them by saying that he picked someone far away so that his wife wouldn't find out or we wouldn't ever run into to her. Something I believe more all the time. I tell him the reason he gets so mad at me and is so jealous is because he knows the truth about how things really are even though he won't admit it to me and it drives him crazy knowing he will never really be able to have me the way he wants.

There are times when I tell him how drained I feel from all the stress and accusations. I tell him I can't take it anymore. I tell him how much I hate myself for staying with him knowing the things I know or for spending all my time and energy trying to prove him wrong. After I tell him everything but goodbye, he then says I am right to feel the way I do and how sorry he is he ever lied to me. He tells me he doesn't want to know what being without me feels like and how much he needs me. Sometimes I go along with the things he says just to shut him up so he will leave me alone. And boy does he go nuts if I hang up and won't answer my phone or if he tries to call me and I am in a movie with my kids or whatever and I don't answer and didn't tell him I was doing anything. I get text msgs on my phone like; "Why don't u answer me?" "Why are you doing this to me?", " Plz answer me", "are u with him?". etc.......If I get things like that when I am with my girlfriends we just sit around and laugh about it, but the sad thing is it really isn't that funny.

Michael is always telling me that if people from the outside could see how I am, then they would think the same way about me that he does. Thank all of you so very much for proving that statement wrong. I am finding that people don't think like him and that there are people who can see his kind of behavior as insane and not the norm. I really appreciate all the feedback from the bottom of my heart. It is assuring to know that there are people out there that know what I am going through and who can share their thoughts and ideas with a stranger to provide encouragement for a troubled soul. Thank you all so much.

[forms]

The more you describe him the more dangerous he seems.

 

Did you do the research I recommended? Also look up domestic abuse and find the profile of men who beat women. He's classic. Patricia Evans discusses this at length--among many many other researchers.

 

You need professional advice on how to deal with him. I would call a domestic abuse center and ask for a reference to a good therapist. You need a therapist with a speciality in this type of man. Not all therapists understand the dynamics. That's why you should get a reference from an woman's shelter even though you don't need sheltering and aren't being abused. You are being grooomed--and the most dangerous time for women is not when they are in a relationship with a guy like this, but when they leave him. A therapist specializing in abusive relationships will be able to advise you how to break it off without endangering yourself.

 

Take care and good luck.

[cow]

what forms says is very true, i did not want to alarm you too much.

i wish you lots of luck, keep posting.

[New_Wife]

WOW!

 

This Bozo sounds like every Ann Rule character I've ever read about.

 

Just out of curiosity, if a dead kid that wasn't dead, a live kid that he denies, and a wife he hides and cheats on isn't enough to convince you to give this nut the heave-ho; what would be?

[shellys-trying]

Really, New Wife! I totally agree!

[joodee]

Hi,

I just finished reading this thread, I have a stomach ache cause I'm almost at the tail end of the same kind of situation. I've got communication between me and my MM down to just text messages on the phone, that's it, he doesn't call except to point out something trivial, but since I told him where to go a few weeks ago I think he is afraid to call and say anything to me except hello and how's your day. I think he now knows I have his "number."

And why I occasionally text back?? I'm still in therapy, trying like heck to weed out the guy from my life. It's that wee bit of denial still working, that teeny little bit of hope that he wasn't as bad as he really is. It sucks to come to the realization that someone really didn't love you the way you thought he did. Hurts real bad.

 

Sometimes a guy can do all the awful things that were done to you, like making up the dead kid, hiding his wife (just like mine did), and can be mean and say things...and still it's not enough. My therapist and friends said the same thing, what will it take? I used to pray to God that I would run into my MM and his wife somewhere in public so I could see the truth, but even if that had happened, I would have probably struggled still. It has to come from inside, cause MM's are really relentless and will do what they can to keep you hooked.

 

I have been trying to stick to my guns with my MM for a long time, I finally told him where to go when he called and said something to the effect of "well, if you won't make time for me, I was going to invite you to dinner with my kids and me, but now you are not invited." That's when I told him where to go. Cause he kept saying someday I would meet his now teenage kids and prove that there was/is nothing going on between him and his W, but with that statement, he made me realize it was all one big game. Him talking like that to me could lead to more verbal and other types of abuse. And like your MM, he's lied about EVERYTHING. And also like yours, he gets jealous over anyone of the male species. I admit it's flattering at first for someone attention-starved like me, but once you realize the nature of the action, it's bad news.

 

I hope you find the strength to cut him off, I know it's not easy. But please try to get that strength.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I just saw your other thread about 'wives having their turn' and I can't help but wonder what happened in this situation? Did you ditch this guy?