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Who's the Victim? Him or Me?


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DesertDweller

This is my first post. I have a close relationship with a married man--everything but sex. We were friends for about a year before he confessed his feelings for me. Although his wife found out about us through our emails, we didn't end the relationship. She is an abusive person who calls him names, has hit him, and breaks his things. And yes, her behavior was like this before our affair--only now it's worse. She treats him like a child. Everytime she gets mad, she takes away his cell phone and his debit card. I don't know why he won't defend himself or just leave. He says he needs to try everything he can before he gives up onhis marriage. They have three grown sons and a seven year-old daughter. I believe his daughter is the reason he stays. I told him I couldn't see him until he left his wife. He was sad and said I was leaving him out in the cold. That was last night. Shortly thereafter I received an email from his wife telling me that he will not be calling me from his cell phone again...So, here are my questions:

 

Should I feel sorry for him; see him as a victim (similar to an abused woman)?

 

If so, should I hang around and offer my support and friendship?

 

 

Why would his wife email me? It was almost as if she was doing me a favor, but I'm sure there's something more sinister going on...

 

Thank you all.

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SweetSerenity

Well, have you ever heard of, theres his side, her side and then the truth? Honestly I'm not going to be harsh because I have no place being harsh. Seriously however I wouldn't listen to him much. I mean I wouldn't view him as a victim. He can leave. He has that right and I think, speaking from an OW point of view here, that he is using the same old song and dance cliche that most MM's do. I can't leave because of the children etc etc etc. I wouldn't waste my time on this guy. As hard as it may be you need to look for the broader picture. You could always email the wife back and ask some questions. She may or may not answer you. I honestly wouldn't get involved with this guy though. Thats just my two cents.

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RecordProducer

The victim is his wife! You're biased to the situation and can't see that she is jealous of you. You want him to leave his wife who has born 4 children to him. She is not abusive, she is just mad. Very mad at him for including you in their family picture. She may have chosen the wrong way of showing her jealousy and dealing with the problem, but she is just a wounded animal fighting for what she believes belongs to her. And she has every right to be mad.

You, on the other hand, stand in between them and ruin their marriage. No man would cheat on his wife if there were no women who were in the mood to break other people's marriages. You might be in the same position some day. Would you like it if some woman had everything but sex with your husband? Imagine if he left his wife and started living with you and then started an emotional affair with some woman. Wouldn't you be hurt?

You should stay out of him for everyone's sake. Next thing on the menu is him cheating on his wife with you. And he will never leave her.

If you think he should leave his wife for you then wait until he does. He is just pulling your nose and talking bad about his wife, because he wants to get in your pants. You're so naive!

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MistressD

This really seems to be the MM's MO. They say all kinds of bad things about their wife. Like one post said there is her side then his and the truth. That was a very good point. Also, I think the other post is right in that he wants to get in your pants and is pulling your nose.

 

Where I diverge is where I dont agree the wife is the victim and that you are ruining their marriage. I think that he and the W are ruining their marriage. They are the ones who made the vows not you. But, it is still good advice to stay clear and let them work it out without you in the middle. I say that because you will only get hurt. Plus, the MM needs to determine for himself if he wants his marriage. If he jumps into another relationship with you, he may cheat on you or just be rebounding. It really is something I am saying for your sake. You could get really hurt. MM can sometimes be very cruel both to the W and to the OW. They are in selfish mode when cheating. At least it seams to me.

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DesertDweller

I think all of you have made good points. It would be easier to get out now than later. I do want to respond to the post that says his wife is the victim. Why is it that the wife is ALWAYS the one everyone sides with? What if she's secretly an ax-murderer? I'm exagerrating, but, not all wives are worth staying married to. Some are having affairs themselves!

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erika2610
Originally posted by RecordProducer

The victim is his wife! You're biased to the situation and can't see that she is jealous of you. You want him to leave his wife who has born 4 children to him. She is not abusive, she is just mad. Very mad at him for including you in their family picture. She may have chosen the wrong way of showing her jealousy and dealing with the problem, but she is just a wounded animal fighting for what she believes belongs to her. And she has every right to be mad.

You, on the other hand, stand in between them and ruin their marriage. No man would cheat on his wife if there were no women who were in the mood to break other people's marriages. You might be in the same position some day. Would you like it if some woman had everything but sex with your husband? Imagine if he left his wife and started living with you and then started an emotional affair with some woman. Wouldn't you be hurt?

You should stay out of him for everyone's sake. Next thing on the menu is him cheating on his wife with you. And he will never leave her.

If you think he should leave his wife for you then wait until he does. He is just pulling your nose and talking bad about his wife, because he wants to get in your pants. You're so naive!

 

In the mood to break up a marriage? Are you serious? Do you think we set out for this? And she didn't ruin the marraige.. he did. HE'S the one that took those vows. Why are WE always looked at as if it's all our fault? Most of us didn't set out lookin for a MM..

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DesertDweller

I'm not sure you really read my post. His W was abusive before I came along. And I don't think all men would have an affair given the chance--especially not happily married men. It's a lot of trouble. Also, what makes you think he's the father to all of her children? He isn't. You shouldn't jump to conclusions.

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RecordProducer

You said THEY have three grown sons. They ARE his. He lives with them.

You assume that his wife is all he told you about her. She might be a normal woman and he's gossiping about her, as I said so that he can get in your pants.

Haven't you read other threads here where all women say that the MM told them bad things about their marriages and wives? If you want to know your future with him, read those posts carefully.

You ARE the other woman he wants to F. You're the next candidate for a victim. And the poor abused man will end up sleeping with two women.

No matter how evil the wife is, he is not leaving her obviously so she can't be that evil in his eyes. If he wants to divorce, let him, but why interfere in other people's marriage?

The gender of the cheater is irrelevant, if you were a man, I'd say that the husband is the victim. Your opinion is very biased and you see things from your own sefish perspective. Just put yourself in her shoes and try to imagine how you'd feel.

Erika, I didn't mean that the OW are mean or anything. Just saying that people (including OW who seem to suffer the most) will be spared the enormous pain if at least those from aside didn't get involved with married people.

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DesertDweller

I thought this forum was for the OW. Sounds like some of you are just angry, scorned women. What's the point of this forum anyway? Giver, I'm not the reason marriage isn't sacred any more. When was it? People have been unfaithful forever. I repeat, not all wives are the saints you would make them out to be. If that were the case, why would infidelity exist? It is human nature to move away from pain and toward pleasure. And if I were all that bad, I would have slept with him by now and wouldn't have given a second thought to anyone else's opinions.

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KissMyTiara
Originally posted by DesertDweller

Why is it that the wife is ALWAYS the one everyone sides with?

 

The people in this thread are either OW or the BS, and unfortunately, thus far, the majority of the responses you have received are NOT from people who have been in your shoes... I HAVE been, so I'll comment without siding with the wife...

 

That said, take it from me... You came here to get advice for YOURSELF, not him or her, right? So, as far as YOU are concerned, get out now, do not get any deeper into this "relationship." It will only cause YOU pain.

 

Originally posted by erika2610

 

 

In the mood to break up a marriage? Are you serious? Do you think we set out for this? And she didn't ruin the marraige.. he did. HE'S the one that took those vows. Why are WE always looked at as if it's all our fault? Most of us didn't set out lookin for a MM..

 

He is not a victim. Sure, wife-y might be a major b!tch right now, but the MM ALWAYS has the CHOICE to leave. Actions speak louder than words. She's not holding a gun to his head. BS are usually a victim in someway when their WS cheats, but they both contribute to the downfall of their marriage, in most instances, whether they believe so or not.

 

Originally posted by DesertDweller

I thought this forum was for the OW. Sounds like some of you are just angry, scorned women. What's the point of this forum anyway? Giver, I'm not the reason marriage isn't sacred any more. When was it? People have been unfaithful forever. I repeat, not all wives are the saints you would make them out to be. If that were the case, why would infidelity exist? It is human nature to move away from pain and toward pleasure. And if I were all that bad, I would have slept with him by now and wouldn't have given a second thought to anyone else's opinions.

 

Just keep reading, you'll figure out who the OW are after some time...and then you can just listen to us and block the rest.

 

But please, get out now. NOW. Do not speak with him again.

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BoatingBabe

DD, I am sort of in your shoes, but it hasn't reached your point. I think the wife and the OW are the victims...the MM usually makes out like a bandit. Basically, if you want to save yourself the worst agony and pain you can imagine, get out now, before it gets physical...fight it, keep fighting it..and try to distance yourself from him. It's hard when they keep coming around like dogs in heat...but just keep trying..come on this forum and read....It has kept me strong.

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i just can't wait until you find the love of your life..so karma will catch up to you..and guess what? you will be the wife and you will know how it feels..and when that time comes..you wont will despise the OW.

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RecordProducer

I am neither the wife nor the OW. My ex-husband never cheated on me so I am not biased to this case.

I bet your parents wouldn't like it that you've got a crush on a married man with children. OW also tell you to stay away from him.

I guess you're looking for someone to tell you "You and him and are the victims, he should dump the wife and the two of you should @#%^ like rabbits and live happily ever after."

It's all up to him. He is sweet now before getting lucky. Soon enough he will tell you that it's over between him and his wife, he's leaving her on Tuesday and you will sleep with him and fall in love. He won't leave his family and you'll waste your time for years. That's the worst-case scenario (but most likely).

If you can't see that we're advising you like sisters here, it's your choice.

YOU are the next victim.

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erika2610

How many people here are perfect? Because most of you.. with the exception of maybe 1 who's trying to help this girl, are trying to make yourselves out to be perfect. Nobody is. It bums me out that this girl comes here for advice on her problem, and most of you feel the need to rag on her. Why is that? We're not bad people.. just made a mistake. Most of us didn't set out looking for this.. it just happened. We all are or were at one point going through a tough time with our situations. Alot of people who come here have nobody to talk to in real life about this, cuz they don't understand. They sure as heck don't need to come here and just hear people basically telling them what bad people they are, and that they're homewreckers. Like I said, most people don't go out looking for MM, it just happens. And we're not the one who took the vows. Like the old saying goes, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all' :)

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KissMyTiara

Giver - what kind of horrible person are you that you can wish ill will on a stranger?!

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XNemesisX

This MM is more than likely exaggerating to you and wanting you to sympathize with him. Everyone needs someone to rant their problems to in their relationships but there comes a point when it becomes distasteful. I think he is probably more than likely bsing a lot of it. He's disrespecting his wife by gossiping about her and making her out to be a monster. If she was all that bad he would have left her.

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God, what a rude sound in here...

Frustration can make women so cold they don't notice themselves...sad, this.

 

@DesertDweller

Anyway.

What matter is it who the victim is ?

You feel bad and uncomfortable, I think you should finish this for your own sake.

Wife is a psycho, hubby obviously doesn't suffer enough yet to leave - and you are in the middle of all that, invest time, emotion and moods and probably for nothing.

Don't lose yourself in this, I think, better go and make a cut...

Wish you just the best for that...

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SixthSt.Girl

Can you be there for him as a friend, without anything romantic going on? I would never downplay an abusive situation, as many of the posters on here seem to be ok with doing. I have never been the victim of abuse myself, but my co-worker's daughter was abused for months by her ex-husband. It started out verbal and went physical. He broke her wrist, and she made up a tale to cover, though her mom knew it was abuse. It took her a few months after that to finally leave. I don't know why some people stay in these relationships, but it's obviously not as easy as it sounds to leave. I think sometimes something just snaps, and the victim realizes the danger he/she's in.

 

It could be possible that your friend is exaggerating, but why would he elaborate to get you into bed if you guys are so close already? You can be there to listen w/o jumping in his bed - if you feel you're too attached, does he have anyone else to talk to? He said he felt that you were leaving him out in the cold. I hate for you to be worried about this friend - if it was me, I couldn't just break off contact with a longtime friend when he was in trouble. That's just me, I guess. I would be worried to death. If this situation is half as bad as it seems, the wife is no victim - someone who steals is a criminal. Someone who damages property is a criminal. I would not get too close to the situation until he agrees to leave, but I would keep an eye out. If it escalates, which abuse usually does, he'll either end up out of the marriage, badly hurt, dead, or a combo.

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blind_otter

I was in an abusive relationship with my exBF, who also cheated on me several times.

 

Come to find out that, even though I got the restraining order against HIM, he was telling his 2 girlfriends (yes he was cheating on the girl he was cheating on ME with :rolleyes: ) that HE got the restraining order against ME!!! And I saw one of the GFs at a bar, and she was all "I don't want to fight you" and I was shocked into complete silence and I just walked away from her.

 

So take that for what it's worth.

 

I was actually IN an abusive relationship. I left. End of story. In the end, a victim of physical and emotional abuse needs to take charge of their own life. No one else can help you.

 

I said this to someone else on this forum earlier today. He is using you to make himself feel better about the bad situation with his wife, instead of merely dealing with the situation. And I guarantee he is not being completely honest with HIMSELF, much less with you. Take yourself out of the equation, let him deal with his life and clean everything up and then, if he can be strong for himself (as I and many many other victims of abuse MUST learn to be) then you can have a real relationship.

 

Until then you are simply a drug that he uses to distract himself from his life.

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SixthSt.Girl

"In the end, a victim of physical and emotional abuse needs to take charge of their own life. No one else can help you."

 

That may be true, but having someone you can turn to in the end can make a big difference - nobody can just go it alone... Fear of being alone and being made to feel unlovable by the abuser is probably why people stay in these situations so long.

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The 7-year old kid.

 

If not with you, with someone, right? Meanwhile, whether the wife is or is not abusive - this kid's family is going nowhere good anytime soon.

 

I would highly caution you that married men lie to get laid outside the marraige. All of the cliches have lasted so long due to their truth. If they didn't lie WELL no woman would ever feel sorry for them or justified in doing so. Unless you have been in their home and seen her do the things he claims - you don't know that this is true.

 

For your own sanity and happiness, I 'd suggest you look elsewhere for love and romance. Another favorite cliche involves men, busses, and another one every 15 minutes.

 

Good luck.

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EnigmaXOXO
He is not a victim. Sure, wife-y might be a major b!tch right now, but the MM ALWAYS has the CHOICE to leave. Actions speak louder than words. She's not holding a gun to his head.

 

Well said, KMT.

 

The majority of married people entertaining affairs will justify their behavior by painting the ugliest picture of their spouse and home life. Even if it were true, it still does not warrant why he has not taken a more straight forward approach to either resolving or exiting the situation.

 

She could be the meanest b*tch this side of Hades wielding a frying pan and fuzzy slippers; the fact remains that an 'affair' is not the solution to his problems…rather a catalyst for more. And as long as you're entertaining rescue fantasies, he'll be all too happy to drag you right through the muck with him.

 

If this guy doesn't have the integrity of character or testicals to remove himself and his children from what you describe as an "abusive" situation, then he's not going to be the kind of stand-up guy you'll ever be able to depend on, either. Better not to become the willing "victim" yourself, and find the self love you need to remove yourself.

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why is it the OW makes it seems like she is the victim? she even write a question who is the victim HER? or HIM?

 

Lets see..who put them selfs in the situation in the first place? the OW might do the blame game and say the wife for driving the mm to her..indeed. but who has the power to THINK..the power to SAY NO..Yes the other women..they HAVE the power to see that the man that they are after IS married and completely not go in ANY FARTHER and become homewreckers..they can simply just move on and find a nice decent single man..but does this other women choose too? NO they dont..they CHOOSE to put them selfs in that situation..

Instead they believe that the MM should leave there wife for them..

 

But they dont know is that HISTORY always repeats its self..

 

So lets say the MM does leave the wife for the other women..

 

DO you OW really want to be with a man that cheated and LIED on there WIFE before?? what makes you OW think that this GUY wont do it to you?.

 

My advice..don't swoop that low..higher your standerds..and don't put your self in a situation that you CAN PREVENT..

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