OW considering a life with MM. Is this real?

[mwt80]

I've (29F) been with my MM (36M) for about 8 months. When we met, he was already on his way out of his marriage.. years of therapy, etc. I've pushed him to make a decision about us, and he initially said he wasn't going to leave his marriage for me but would continue investigating his marriage through therapy and make an independent decision in due time. We had our natural ups and downs throughout our time together due to the whole married thing; however, I've really been very happy with him.

 

Outside of the relationship drama everything was perfect. He is the first person to love me for who I am and he makes me feel genuinely loved. I've had previous LTRs before, but I loved this man more after 1 month than I did anyone else after years of dating. All good right?

 

So last week he told me that he seriously brought up divorce with his wife and they are in the final stages of deciding what to do. This opens a door for me and I'm not entirely sure what I want. Like.. I know I've always fantasized about this, but now that it could be real, I'm not so sure. Are these doubts normal? Did I want him or the fantasy?

 

I don't have doubts about him the person. My doubts are more about... what our future would be like. He has small children that he would have halftime custody of. Financially he would be stressed due to the divorce. Emotionally too, I suspect. What would this look like to friends.. his and mine? A few know about our true circumstances, although apparently his wife does not. We'd have to be careful to maintain that facade..

 

We've talked about giving each other space. I would date. He would separate with his wife and probably see other women as he transitioned out of his marriage. This was mostly for my protection and provide a little cover for our affair. I.e., he doesn't move in with the OW days after separating.

 

I had already started dating a few months ago. Casually only and at his request... because he felt like it relieved some pressure on our relationship. I admit to being pretty clingy about us at the time, and it worked for us. We still saw each other.. he had his wife.. I had dumb guys on dating sites to occupy my weeknights.. rarely anything worth mentioning. In truth, all it did is solidify my desire to be with my MM.

 

I'm not gonna lie.. this man would clean up on the dating market if I gave him "space", He is really the total package.. and I know what it's like on the other side of that equation. Ugh! I'm very anxious about something that I thought would never happen for me. Help!

 

TL;DR - MM is leaving his wife, which is what I always wanted, but now I'm not so sure..

[somanymistakes]

Change is always scary.

 

However, be careful. Don't dig too deep in analysing your reaction and trying to come to terms with the change right now, because the change may not happen. If you look around in here, there's an awful lot of people who were dating someone married that was "on the verge" of leaving their spouse... for years...

 

So don't get too swept away in imagining how you'll deal with the situation if it comes to pass, because that's a great way to get really invested in your fantasy and then be crushed when it hits a roadblock.

[aileD]

Let me see if I got this right--

 

-He cheated on his wife with you

-told you he wouldn't leave his wife for you

-deciding to divorce his wife

-already dating other women

-has you convinced its for covering the affair and thst it's for YOUR protection

 

 

You're not going to have to worry about this. This man is not going to have a real relationship with you.

 

And if he does? Put yourself in his STBXW's shoes because you will end up wearing those same shoes down the line.

[anika99]

So you think a man who spends 8 months cheating and lying to his wife and who is continuing to lie his way out of his marriage is the total package? Because he flatters you and knows how to push the right buttons?

 

Yeah, good luck with that. If he's planning to start seeing other women then I don't think you have to worry about a life with him. He wants to be free and play the field.

[BaileyB]

Oh yeah, he's the total package alright...

 

He's lied and cheated on his wife for eight months! If he does clean up on the dating market, whatever woman gets him is going to lucky alright... She can wonder for the rest of her life if he is coming to her bed every night after he has told another woman that he loves her and manipulated his way into her bed...

 

But seriously, you have spent eight months with this man and now that he may actually become available for a real relationship, you are unsure about how you feel? I'm sorry, I can appreciate how the changing dynamic of your relationship would cause some anxiety, but the whole situation is really unhealthy.

 

And yes, you should have doubts about him as a person... And doubts about your relationship because if he will do it with you, he will do it to you. He's already started to look around...

Edited February 7, 2017 by BaileyB

[Poppy47]

I wonder what is so wonderful about this man.

 

Why would you tied yourself up like a pretzel for him. He's crap.

 

Do some reading here.

 

Poppy.

[angel.eyes]

I don't have doubts about him the person. My doubts are more about... what our future would be like. He has small children that he would have halftime custody of. Financially he would be stressed due to the divorce. Emotionally too, I suspect. What would this look like to friends.. his and mine? A few know about our true circumstances, although apparently his wife does not. We'd have to be careful to maintain that facade..

 

We've talked about giving each other space. I would date. He would separate with his wife and probably see other women as he transitioned out of his marriage.

No need for doubts about your future with him. He's not leaving his wife for you. Typical cheater storyline with the usual future faking and the "need" to maintain a facade for his wife even though he is purportedly divorcing her. Rest assured that should his wife ever discover your affair, he'll throw you under the bus so fast that you won't know what hit you.

 

In the meanwhile, you'll continue to waste the best years of your life distracted by a fantasy future while this cheating loser uses you. So sad!

[freengreen]

Sorry to rain on your parade:

 

A man who marries his mistress leaves a vacany in that space. ~ Oscar Wilde

 

Its not always true but you need to consider odds.

[cocorico]

Sorry to rain on your parade:

 

A man who marries his mistress leaves a vacany in that space. ~ Oscar Wilde

 

Its not always true but you need to consider odds.

 

Have you seen the stats quoted for infidelity in marriages? They're disturbing. So, if you're considering odds, consider that in *any* relationship, there is a good chance one or both of you may be unfaithful. Irrespective of whether either of you has, before.

 

If one, or both, of you has been unfaithful before, then how you resolved this will impact the chances of future infidelity. If the BS was happy to forgive and forget, and life continued as before, chances are it wasn't resolved and may recur. If OTOH the WS interrogated their behaviour and worked hard to address and resolve underlying issues (in the R and in themself) then the chances of repeat infidelity are _less_ than in someone who had never been unfaithful.

[freengreen]

Coco,

 

I was warning her. I was talking about the odds of happy endings( ergo painless) in affairs.

[RegretfulOM]

As a multiple time OM I have to say there is no point worrying about it because he isn't leaving. When we say things like your OM said. We are lying to ourselves too, because we are also caught up in the fantasy of running off together and having the perfect life. But the closer it gets to actually pulling the trigger we get cold feet. We start looking at our kids and realize how devastated they'll be. We start thinking about our wife and how she isn't a bad person, we just stopped nurturing the relationship and focused elsewhere. Lastly, we realize that we are the villain in this thing, and EVERYONE will know it. Stating the obvious but these are the reasons MM rarely leave. I am separated now and still somewhat with my OW. Its not working. She has become obsessed with me cheating on her, even though she is still married!!! Bringing an affair from out of the shadows and trying to legitimize it is very hard to pull off. Not sure why I ever thought it was possible.

[brigitte 1]

As a multiple time OM I have to say there is no point worrying about it because he isn't leaving. When we say things like your OM said. We are lying to ourselves too, because we are also caught up in the fantasy of running off together and having the perfect life. But the closer it gets to actually pulling the trigger we get cold feet. We start looking at our kids and realize how devastated they'll be. We start thinking about our wife and how she isn't a bad person, we just stopped nurturing the relationship and focused elsewhere. Lastly, we realize that we are the villain in this thing, and EVERYONE will know it. Stating the obvious but these are the reasons MM rarely leave. I am separated now and still somewhat with my OW. Its not working. She has become obsessed with me cheating on her, even though she is still married!!! Bringing an affair from out of the shadows and trying to legitimize it is very hard to pull off. Not sure why I ever thought it was possible.

 

Married women don't leave either. Fantasy is best as fantasy.

[elaine567]

NO man who loves you and cares for you and wants a monogamous future with you, would be suggesting you date other people whilst he does the same.

 

He knows he will clean up on the dating market and now his divorce is imminent he wants to be free as a bird to sample any delights that are on offer.

 

You are "the bridge", the person who helped him leave his marriage.

Once left, he will realise you are surplus to requirements and you are NOT what he is looking for anyway, so he will dump you.

Here, by suggesting you date other people he is hoping you will just go off with some other guy and that saves him the bother of dumping you.

[mwt80]

Wow.. a lot of negativity in this thread. I do appreciate the responses though. And I'm sure many of you have suffered from these situations in the past. I get it.

 

If anything, I think what you've done for me is lower overall expectations, which does mitigate my anxiety. I feel like perhaps if he does leave his wife, then whatever we have is what it is. I'm not the one making any commitment here. He is. He is the one that has to leave his wife to be with me.

 

I just have to be available.. or not.

 

I think I'll stay on my path.. I'll date, we can still see each other, and whatever happens, happens.

[FoundMyStrength]

So last week he told me that he seriously brought up divorce with his wife and they are in the final stages of deciding what to do.

 

Honestly, people on the forum are not trying to be negative. It's just that many of the folks who respond are fOW who have been through this. What he's telling you about "seriously" bringing up divorce with his wife is something that countless OW have heard. And many believe it, and stick it through, hoping/wishing he proceeds with the divorce.

 

If you read around the forums enough, you'll see that MM rarely ever leave their wife. They say they will, they may even "seriously" discuss it with their wife, but they never ever leave. Not even when the affair is discovered, unless the wife kicks them out and divorces them.

 

It's not negativity, it's just people with experience telling you what the most likely outcome is in this situation.

[eye of the storm]

My MM brought up divorce. He even told his W. So, I sat and waited...and waited...then noticed all the time frames were getting pushed back. We will tell the family after this, after that, oh after this other thing. They are still together.

 

Your MM gets the prize for giant brass balls. "I'm leaving my W for you but, to protect you, Im going to date." LOL I am actually impressed he thought that would work. I'm even more shocked that it did.

 

He isn't leaving for you. If he actually does move out he wants to be single.

 

You need to put him in a box and move on. You claim you are dating, but in the beginning of my NC I dated, but compared each and every guy to my MM. None matched up. Not that my MM was this perfect guy, but he was the guy I wanted. Like when you want ice cream but all you have are cookies, you like cookies but they suck cause all you can picture is ice cream.

 

I bet you are just dating to pass time till MM comes around. Treat yourself better than that.

[aileD]

sounds like you're the "exit affair"....the excuse to get out of the marriage......exit affair OW's don't usually make it into the long term.

[Birdies]

The fact that he has little kids lowers the odds that he will get a divorce substantially. Men who have affairs are often conflict avoidant, and the very scariest thing to them is not only being honest about their unhappiness and hurting their wife, but also destroying their kids' lives.

 

If this does come to pass, I'm not sure what the point is of pretending to date other people to avoid suspicion. People will suspect, period. You may as well just be out with it.

 

Think long and hard about whether this person will make a good PARTNER, not just affair partner. They are two very different things.

[FoundMyStrength]

You need to put him in a box and move on. You claim you are dating, but in the beginning of my NC I dated, but compared each and every guy to my MM. None matched up. Not that my MM was this perfect guy, but he was the guy I wanted. Like when you want ice cream but all you have are cookies, you like cookies but they suck cause all you can picture is ice cream.

 

I bet you are just dating to pass time till MM comes around. Treat yourself better than that.

 

Same here. Until you have enough distance from him via NC, no man will ever compare. Part of what drives an affair is the intensity of the experience, the buildup and the pushing and pulling and the secrecy. It's hard for normal dating to live up to that intensity.

[elaine567]

Your MM gets the prize for giant brass balls. "I'm leaving my W for you but, to protect you, Im going to date." LOL I am actually impressed he thought that would work. I'm even more shocked that it did.

 

Not many variations on a theme here, but that is one I haven't encountered before.

"I will protect you by seeing other women..."

[elaine567]

OP get some perspective, spend some time on the OW forum.

Start here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/612092-do-men-suffer-much-4.html#post7219057

[Poppy47]

Sounds like a dangerous person to become involved with.

 

Poppy.

[dubliner]

Space? Seriously? Dating others is not space. Lying to everyone is not space.

My CM and his partner separated November last year, after years of promises it did finally happen. The last thing he wanted me to do was to see anyone else, in fact when I did tell him I was dating during the past few years he was mortified even though he knew it was what I had to do to move on, it made him physically sick.

Someone who wants to be with you does not encourage you into the arms of another, and nor would they want to 'play the field' if a real and honest relationship was within their grasp.

I found it very hard to date when my heart was with CM, I felt like I was cheating on him but at the time I didn't believe we would have an exclusive relationship out in the open. I needed to move on, to take control of my life and stop disrespecting myself by being the secret, the one in the box.

Now, even though we are not officially together, if either of us were to date another it would be a deal breaker, period.

[JamesM]

Having not been in an affair or having not been the BS, I do have a different perspective...

 

But....I have seen too many stories here that tell me a few things. While there are exceptions to what I put below, they are not the norm. So you could be an exception. The "negativity" is harsh, I know, but understand that it comes from experience. Even my optimism has been shattered a few times after following stories here.

 

Please, please, before you start reading this...in real life, I know without a doubt that if I told you this, then you would understand the concern in my voice and you would not see harshness. Also, you could interject questions and comments that might change some things I have written. Take to heart what applies and disregard the rest as my attempt to help and not hurt.

 

One, as a man, I can say with 100% confidence, when any man says you may date for whatever reason, and he allegedly loves you, then this is a huge red flag. The last thing men want is competition for the women they love. Period.

 

Second, many, many men say they are divorcing or are in the process of divorcing, because they know that very few women want to be known as a home wrecker. In fact, I question if his wife even knew that he was "on his way out of his marriage" when you met. Until he actually has moved out and has the papers signed, he is not divorced. So, until that day, he is cheating on his wife.

 

Third, when a man is divorced, then he changes. Suddenly, he realizes he has the freedom to see as many women as he wants. Why spend his first few days tied up with one when he can see many? And the better looking he is, the more likely he will play the field. Even as a married man who is not thinking of divorce, I wonder why he would.

 

Fourth, in most cases, the affair is the rebound. That does not mean he won't come back to you in time. It is entirely possible that after a few women, then he will be back. But don't expect him to be ready to commit now until he shows he is ready. If he truly has had a bad marriage, then his expectations of marriage is very low. Until he realizes that he can have a happy marriage, I doubt he will want to return to one any time soon.

 

Fifth, I have no doubt that he was very kind and nice to you. It may have been very genuine. But remember, as a married man, he really cannot play the field, so he will cherish the affair he had. As a single man, he may not be so likely to have the same patience. Maybe he will. But he will need to prove himself all over again. As a married man, he needs to keep you happy, or he will lose his physical outlet. As a single man, he is in a different position. Also, you may be the polar opposite of his wife, so he "thinks" you are what he wants, but when he gets "free," then you may be less attractive to him as his options are greater.

 

And now to you....

 

I get that he is kind and special to you. The reality is that being a good friend is one thing while married. With his wife's blessing, it is a good thing. Treating you the way a woman should be treated is okay if kept on a platonic level. However, doing it to get something he misses in his marriage without his wife's blessing is a problem.Adding in the fact that he sexually was with you unbeknownst to his wife is entirely another thing.

 

He has shown you his true self. He cannot commit. Oh, I know. She was a horrible wife and she treated him with no respect. She never had sex with him and was selfish. Actually, I can say that about my wife too. I have no doubt that she can say some pretty nasty things about me that would be true too. The question is: has he said that before to other women during his marriage and conducted affairs with them? While you cannot imagine it now, isn't it quite likely that at some point, he may say this to you?

 

It reminds me of a Friends episode, where Courtney met a guy who had sex with her. He was just astonished how great it was. "I have not been able to have sex with any woman for two years. You were special" Or something like that. Later she was telling someone about the guy, and this girl had been with him too, and guess what, SHE was told the same thing. Of course it was comedy, but still it portrayed an obvious fact. We men (and probably women) will say what we need to say to get what we want.

 

And while married he wanted you, but while he is allegedly in divorce, he is preparing the way so that he can have his freedom and possibly you too.

 

All that I have said is with kindness and nothing is intended to hurt. Seriously. In the past ten plus years here, I have learned alot about men and women in marriages, and sadly, it is not all good. And yes, I have learned quite abit about myself from people here, and while some feedback seems harsh because we can only read what people say and not the facial expressions, I have learned that many people say what they say to prevent you from dealing what they have dealt with.

 

Whatever you do, please be good to yourself.

[mwt80]

Having not been in an affair or having not been the BS, I do have a different perspective...

 

But....I have seen too many stories here that tell me a few things. While there are exceptions to what I put below, they are not the norm. So you could be an exception. The "negativity" is harsh, I know, but understand that it comes from experience. Even my optimism has been shattered a few times after following stories here.

 

Please, please, before you start reading this...in real life, I know without a doubt that if I told you this, then you would understand the concern in my voice and you would not see harshness. Also, you could interject questions and comments that might change some things I have written. Take to heart what applies and disregard the rest as my attempt to help and not hurt.

 

One, as a man, I can say with 100% confidence, when any man says you may date for whatever reason, and he allegedly loves you, then this is a huge red flag. The last thing men want is competition for the women they love. Period.

 

Second, many, many men say they are divorcing or are in the process of divorcing, because they know that very few women want to be known as a home wrecker. In fact, I question if his wife even knew that he was "on his way out of his marriage" when you met. Until he actually has moved out and has the papers signed, he is not divorced. So, until that day, he is cheating on his wife.

 

Third, when a man is divorced, then he changes. Suddenly, he realizes he has the freedom to see as many women as he wants. Why spend his first few days tied up with one when he can see many? And the better looking he is, the more likely he will play the field. Even as a married man who is not thinking of divorce, I wonder why he would.

 

Fourth, in most cases, the affair is the rebound. That does not mean he won't come back to you in time. It is entirely possible that after a few women, then he will be back. But don't expect him to be ready to commit now until he shows he is ready. If he truly has had a bad marriage, then his expectations of marriage is very low. Until he realizes that he can have a happy marriage, I doubt he will want to return to one any time soon.

 

Fifth, I have no doubt that he was very kind and nice to you. It may have been very genuine. But remember, as a married man, he really cannot play the field, so he will cherish the affair he had. As a single man, he may not be so likely to have the same patience. Maybe he will. But he will need to prove himself all over again. As a married man, he needs to keep you happy, or he will lose his physical outlet. As a single man, he is in a different position. Also, you may be the polar opposite of his wife, so he "thinks" you are what he wants, but when he gets "free," then you may be less attractive to him as his options are greater.

 

And now to you....

 

I get that he is kind and special to you. The reality is that being a good friend is one thing while married. With his wife's blessing, it is a good thing. Treating you the way a woman should be treated is okay if kept on a platonic level. However, doing it to get something he misses in his marriage without his wife's blessing is a problem.Adding in the fact that he sexually was with you unbeknownst to his wife is entirely another thing.

 

He has shown you his true self. He cannot commit. Oh, I know. She was a horrible wife and she treated him with no respect. She never had sex with him and was selfish. Actually, I can say that about my wife too. I have no doubt that she can say some pretty nasty things about me that would be true too. The question is: has he said that before to other women during his marriage and conducted affairs with them? While you cannot imagine it now, isn't it quite likely that at some point, he may say this to you?

 

It reminds me of a Friends episode, where Courtney met a guy who had sex with her. He was just astonished how great it was. "I have not been able to have sex with any woman for two years. You were special" Or something like that. Later she was telling someone about the guy, and this girl had been with him too, and guess what, SHE was told the same thing. Of course it was comedy, but still it portrayed an obvious fact. We men (and probably women) will say what we need to say to get what we want.

 

And while married he wanted you, but while he is allegedly in divorce, he is preparing the way so that he can have his freedom and possibly you too.

 

All that I have said is with kindness and nothing is intended to hurt. Seriously. In the past ten plus years here, I have learned alot about men and women in marriages, and sadly, it is not all good. And yes, I have learned quite abit about myself from people here, and while some feedback seems harsh because we can only read what people say and not the facial expressions, I have learned that many people say what they say to prevent you from dealing what they have dealt with.

 

Whatever you do, please be good to yourself.

 

This is really wonderful perspective and advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it.