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Anyone have to deal with BW spreading lies?


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Hey all - anyone have their affair blow up publicly and have to deal with the other wife not only telling anyone who will listen about the A (which is certainly her right), but also spreading malicious lies? She has some serious emotional issues that she keeps pretty well hidden to the outside world, and they make her either delusional or a pathological liar - not sure which. She's been very proactive in spreading a lot of pretty wacko stuff to mutual friends / acquaintances, and although it seems completely crazy to me....so does an affair, so I'm sure a lot of people are eating it up with a spoon.

 

Obviously, this is a case of karma biting me in the ass, and not shltting where you eat, and I get it. I deserve it. But I do wish that if people are going to judge me harshly, which is 100% anyone's right to do so, they at least do it based on a vaguely accurate version of the truth. (I'm appreciative that my ex-H hasn't gone this same route - he's been amazingly mature and kind to me, and I'm grateful to him for that.)

 

So, what would you do? Try to lay out "the truth" to a few mutual friends? Or just let it go? This is more than a year later and their divorce is very much final. I'm getting to the end of my "I was a shltty person so I deserve this smear campaign" rope, for better or for worse.

 

PS - I should add that I have a lot of empathy for this woman and know that her actions are a result of a very difficult situation that I helped create. My post sounds fairly businesslike, but that's a just product of me focusing on the specific question at hand, not a lack of empathy toward her.

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Hey all - anyone have their affair blow up publicly and have to deal with the other wife not only telling anyone who will listen about the A (which is certainly her right), but also spreading malicious lies? She has some serious emotional issues that she keeps pretty well hidden to the outside world, and they make her either delusional or a pathological liar - not sure which. She's been very proactive in spreading a lot of pretty wacko stuff to mutual friends / acquaintances, and although it seems completely crazy to me....so does an affair, so I'm sure a lot of people are eating it up with a spoon.

 

Obviously, this is a case of karma biting me in the ass, and not shltting where you eat, and I get it. I deserve it. But I do wish that if people are going to judge me harshly, which is 100% anyone's right to do so, they at least do it based on a vaguely accurate version of the truth. (I'm appreciative that my ex-H hasn't gone this same route - he's been amazingly mature and kind to me, and I'm grateful to him for that.)

 

So, what would you do? Try to lay out "the truth" to a few mutual friends? Or just let it go? This is more than a year later and their divorce is very much final. I'm getting to the end of my "I was a shltty person so I deserve this smear campaign" rope, for better or for worse.

 

 

Hi Birdies, I completely understand where you're coming from and let me add just a couple of things to consider:

 

The damage caused by yours and her H's decision to "betray" has lifetime lasting affects....everyone heals differently and everyone responds differently to life altering events such as betrayal by a spouse and friend and divorce. Think about the fact that her world is forever changed by a choice you made and she (through false stories) is holding you accountable.

 

Many individuals think that once the D is final that the end of the affect has come and gone but this is hardly the truth. Trust me, I don't support the false stories but also I can fully understand the lashing out and attempt to boot you out of the social circle that it sounds as what she is working toward.

 

The only solution i see is to remove yourself from anyone that might listen and give a damn about what she is saying, make new friends. I really hope this doesn't sound too harsh, not my intention however, I can understand her perspective in that you are shouldering 100% of the blame for the demise of her failed M (so it seems without having more details as to the A). She sounds off balance but then who wouldn't on the receiving side of this type of betrayal.

 

Build yourself a new world and remain separate from the mutual world you "dabbled" in.....ignore her stories and work to be a better you....

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But I do wish that if people are going to judge me harshly, which is 100% anyone's right to do so, they at least do it based on a vaguely accurate version of the truth.
That is an interesting wish, given that recently, you must have wished the world to view you based on a significantly inaccurate view of the truth.

 

I suspect her emotional difficulties may be rooted in the fact that her husband and another woman destroyed her marriage. Her story may have elements that are rooted in her XH explanations of what happened between the two of you, which may have been concocted to make his life easier.

 

If you have mutual friends, maybe a community you live in, she may simply be poisoning the well so that you have no friends left and you'll need to move. She's punished her husband as much as she can and so maybe she thinks now is the time to dispense justice onto you.

 

If you know this to be a fact and you want it to stop, then you should hire an attorney to contact her and explain why she needs to stop it right now. That usually gets people's attention. You should probably discuss with him which parts of her story are true and which are not, so that he can have a frank and forthright discussion.

 

That would be worth a few hundred bucks, wouldn't it?

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As a BW I acknowledge that I occasionally give my thoughts about the OW. It has been over a year since D-Day and just last Friday after a couple of drinks with friends (including some of her former friends/associates) I went on a venting streak giving my opinion of her. I am sure she would disagree with my views since most of them included four letter words.

 

 

What can I say..I have some pent up rage and it is all directed as her. Now, I know that I should be mad at my husband, yada, yada, yada. But after months of therapy I forgave him and decided that I could live with hating her guts.

 

For her that means on days that I am not feeling up to taking the high road I will express my point of view on her character. If she wants to make people in our mutual social circle pick then I am good with that.

 

Hopefully, that answers your question from the other side. What to you may seem like lies to the BW may seem like a pretty accurate assessment of you. I am not saying it is fair. I am just saying it is life.

 

Best Wishes,

Joie

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Hey all - anyone have their affair blow up publicly and have to deal with the other wife not only telling anyone who will listen about the A (which is certainly her right), but also spreading malicious lies? She has some serious emotional issues that she keeps pretty well hidden to the outside world, and they make her either delusional or a pathological liar - not sure which. She's been very proactive in spreading a lot of pretty wacko stuff to mutual friends / acquaintances, and although it seems completely crazy to me....so does an affair, so I'm sure a lot of people are eating it up with a spoon.

 

Obviously, this is a case of karma biting me in the ass, and not shltting where you eat, and I get it. I deserve it. But I do wish that if people are going to judge me harshly, which is 100% anyone's right to do so, they at least do it based on a vaguely accurate version of the truth. (I'm appreciative that my ex-H hasn't gone this same route - he's been amazingly mature and kind to me, and I'm grateful to him for that.)

 

So, what would you do? Try to lay out "the truth" to a few mutual friends? Or just let it go? This is more than a year later and their divorce is very much final. I'm getting to the end of my "I was a shltty person so I deserve this smear campaign" rope, for better or for worse.

 

PS - I should add that I have a lot of empathy for this woman and know that her actions are a result of a very difficult situation that I helped create. My post sounds fairly businesslike, but that's a just product of me focusing on the specific question at hand, not a lack of empathy toward her.

 

Birdies, I'd say that your true friends shouldn't be a worry to you regardless of whatever this BW says to them They will see it for what it is, a BW venting. I agree with kgcolonel, about building a new world. In time, it will

all quiet down and hopefully all will move on.

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As a BW I acknowledge that I occasionally give my thoughts about the OW. It has been over a year since D-Day and just last Friday after a couple of drinks with friends (including some of her former friends/associates) I went on a venting streak giving my opinion of her. I am sure she would disagree with my views since most of them included four letter words.

 

What can I say..I have some pent up rage and it is all directed as her. Now, I know that I should be mad at my husband, yada, yada, yada. But after months of therapy I forgave him and decided that I could live with hating her guts.

 

For her that means on days that I am not feeling up to taking the high road I will express my point of view on her character. If she wants to make people in our mutual social circle pick then I am good with that.

 

Hopefully, that answers your question from the other side. What to you may seem like lies to the BW may seem like a pretty accurate assessment of you. I am not saying it is fair. I am just saying it is life.

 

Best Wishes,

Joie

 

Thanks for your response. Trust me, I am fine with her spreading her view of me as a person. Like I said, it's perfectly deserved, karma and all that.

 

What I am not thrilled about is patently false and pretty serious slander. Again, you're right, life isn't fair and maybe it's her turn to lie her ass off, since I certainly did during the A. Just struggling with accepting that :)

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You don't have any control over what other people say about you. You can only control your own actions. That being said, there is nothing you can do about the stories she tells about you. You gave her ammunition and she's using it. It doesn't matter how long it's been since your affair caused the end of her marriage. She is never going to say nice things about you to other people. If you wanted that in life... then you should have thought twice about getting involved with a married man. Don't give people ammunition and then expect them not to use it, especially after you've taken part in hurting them. It's only natural for her to lash out. If you try and tell your version of the truth, all you are really doing is keeping this situation active in the minds of the people you tell. Other people listening to this kind of drama aren't really invested in it, they are just listening to the Jerry Springer drama and thanking their lucky stars it isn't them. They could care less what the actual truth is.

 

The only thing you can really do is tough out the storm and wait for it to blow over... it may take a long time.

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[/b]

 

 

Hi Birdies, I completely understand where you're coming from and let me add just a couple of things to consider:

 

The damage caused by yours and her H's decision to "betray" has lifetime lasting affects....everyone heals differently and everyone responds differently to life altering events such as betrayal by a spouse and friend and divorce. Think about the fact that her world is forever changed by a choice you made and she (through false stories) is holding you accountable.

 

Many individuals think that once the D is final that the end of the affect has come and gone but this is hardly the truth. Trust me, I don't support the false stories but also I can fully understand the lashing out and attempt to boot you out of the social circle that it sounds as what she is working toward.

 

The only solution i see is to remove yourself from anyone that might listen and give a damn about what she is saying, make new friends. I really hope this doesn't sound too harsh, not my intention however, I can understand her perspective in that you are shouldering 100% of the blame for the demise of her failed M (so it seems without having more details as to the A). She sounds off balance but then who wouldn't on the receiving side of this type of betrayal.

 

Build yourself a new world and remain separate from the mutual world you "dabbled" in.....ignore her stories and work to be a better you....

 

Thank you kg for your response. I do probably need to be told to "be the bigger person" in this particular situation. Truthfully part of what I'm struggling with is that she also had a prolonged affair a few years back and they completely rug-swept it, and so this 100% victim image, combined with the slander, is wearing on me. (And yes I've seen all the proof and heard them discussing the A, etc. This isn't a case of the slimy MM making things up.) Like, since I have to face the consequences, I wish she did too.

 

But. Trying to tell myself that it's not my circus, not my monkeys... I'm busy working on my own issues and should just let the chips fall where they will. Thanks again for your kind and measured response.

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somanymistakes

If she's telling just her own friends that you are the devil incarnate I think you mostly have to shrug and accept that.

 

If she's telling your friends complete lies about you, then you should set the record straight with them. If they're your friends, they should be able to understand the truth.

 

If she's going out of her way to contact people who are neither of your friends, like your supervisor or something, and telling them that you're a pathological liar and thief out to rob the company or something like that, then seeking legal advice might be reasonable.

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That is an interesting wish, given that recently, you must have wished the world to view you based on a significantly inaccurate view of the truth.

 

I suspect her emotional difficulties may be rooted in the fact that her husband and another woman destroyed her marriage. Her story may have elements that are rooted in her XH explanations of what happened between the two of you, which may have been concocted to make his life easier.

 

If you have mutual friends, maybe a community you live in, she may simply be poisoning the well so that you have no friends left and you'll need to move. She's punished her husband as much as she can and so maybe she thinks now is the time to dispense justice onto you.

 

If you know this to be a fact and you want it to stop, then you should hire an attorney to contact her and explain why she needs to stop it right now. That usually gets people's attention. You should probably discuss with him which parts of her story are true and which are not, so that he can have a frank and forthright discussion.

 

That would be worth a few hundred bucks, wouldn't it?

 

Her issues are more the result of an untreated permanent emotional condition, but of course these events have surely worsened them and like I said, I have tremendous empathy for that :(

 

Consulting an attorney is an interesting idea and certainly tempting. Unfortunately I think it might just exacerbate the situation. Something to ponder, though. Thanks for your response, I appreciate it.

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You don't have any control over what other people say about you. You can only control your own actions. That being said, there is nothing you can do about the stories she tells about you. You gave her ammunition and she's using it. It doesn't matter how long it's been since your affair caused the end of her marriage. She is never going to say nice things about you to other people. If you wanted that in life... then you should have thought twice about getting involved with a married man. Don't give people ammunition and then expect them not to use it, especially after you've taken part in hurting them. It's only natural for her to lash out. If you try and tell your version of the truth, all you are really doing is keeping this situation active in the minds of the people you tell. Other people listening to this kind of drama aren't really invested in it, they are just listening to the Jerry Springer drama and thanking their lucky stars it isn't them. They could care less what the actual truth is.

 

The only thing you can really do is tough out the storm and wait for it to blow over... it may take a long time.

 

Thank you for your response. As for the bold part, um no, of course I don't expect her to be my biggest fan. As I said, I completely understand talking shlt about me and spreading the news far and wide. It's the full-on slanderous stuff that is bugging me. Like, you don't have to make up all this other stuff, the fact that I "stole" your husband is bad enough to get everyone on your side!

 

But the more that I write about it, the more I see that I need to just let it go. I also agree that many people's response is "whoa, TMI!" and I shouldn't get back into that drama. So thanks for your thoughts.

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Thank you kg for your response. I do probably need to be told to "be the bigger person" in this particular situation. Truthfully part of what I'm struggling with is that she also had a prolonged affair a few years back and they completely rug-swept it, and so this 100% victim image, combined with the slander, is wearing on me. (And yes I've seen all the proof and heard them discussing the A, etc. This isn't a case of the slimy MM making things up.) Like, since I have to face the consequences, I wish she did too.

 

But. Trying to tell myself that it's not my circus, not my monkeys... I'm busy working on my own issues and should just let the chips fall where they will. Thanks again for your kind and measured response.

 

I can see by the way you're taking my comments and thoughts that you are trying to move forward, accept as much as you can the "karma" for what you created for yourself through really bad decisions. You did however bury the lead in that she herself had an affair....that being said, you wishing she had to deal with the aftermath like you are, is wishing the world was fair. We all, admittedly know that the world isn't fair. We don't know what kind of yoke she is carrying around however one may be to have created an environment that her STBXH was once the man who pledged his love and support to her, stepped out and betrayed her out of the hurt and betrayal she created with her initial A. Very similar to the cross you are bearing now....in an ironic sense, you two have much in common...so much in fact that this may be what is creating the post A animosity between the two of you....just a thought.

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Thanks for your response. Trust me, I am fine with her spreading her view of me as a person. Like I said, it's perfectly deserved, karma and all that.

 

What I am not thrilled about is patently false and pretty serious slander. Again, you're right, life isn't fair and maybe it's her turn to lie her ass off, since I certainly did during the A. Just struggling with accepting that :)

 

You can't control what she says. One thing to think about, you don't know what HE has said to her about YOU, so there's that....

 

Just rise above it. If the mutual friends are true friends to both of you, they'll stay out of it and not take in what has been said.

 

I take it you knew his wife before the affair? Possibly were friends with her?

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You can't control what other people say about you. And yeah this is a little bit of karma coming back at you.

 

Are you with her husband now?

 

A quote comes to mind "you are free to choose, but you are not free of the consequences of your choice"

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Birdies,

 

People who know you and love you will not prey on your mistakes. No matter how much bad is spread on you. People who want to prey will prey anyway.

 

It might feel messy right now but keep doind your own thing. Once it settles, you will know who is on your side. ( My best friend had this situation and I never for once hated her for any of it)

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Like, since I have to face the consequences, I wish she did too.

It's up to him, not you to decide what her consequences are. Don't get involved, it's none of your business what she did during their marriage before his affair with you. If you spill that, you'll be the bad guy and look really petty and jealous.

 

He chose not to deal with her affair way back when so to bring it up now and make that an issue really is a mute point.

 

Focus on healing and letting go, stop listening or reading what's been said about you. Go NC with the both of them.

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I can see by the way you're taking my comments and thoughts that you are trying to move forward, accept as much as you can the "karma" for what you created for yourself through really bad decisions. You did however bury the lead in that she herself had an affair....that being said, you wishing she had to deal with the aftermath like you are, is wishing the world was fair. We all, admittedly know that the world isn't fair. We don't know what kind of yoke she is carrying around however one may be to have created an environment that her STBXH was once the man who pledged his love and support to her, stepped out and betrayed her out of the hurt and betrayal she created with her initial A. Very similar to the cross you are bearing now....in an ironic sense, you two have much in common...so much in fact that this may be what is creating the post A animosity between the two of you....just a thought.

 

Ha, I know, I did bury the lead about her own affair, and it's because I don't think she deserves all this to happen just because she was a shltty wife in some ways. I'm very wary of even unconsciously trying to use her affair to justify our own actions. Yet clearly it bothers me that she's "getting away with it" so to speak, at least in the court of public opinion. But I need to let that go. Thanks again kg. I do need to be reminded that the world is not fair, especially when it's in reaction to my own very unfair and cruel decisions.

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It's up to him, not you to decide what her consequences are. Don't get involved, it's none of your business what she did during their marriage before his affair with you. If you spill that, you'll be the bad guy and look really petty and jealous.

 

He chose not to deal with her affair way back when so to bring it up now and make that an issue really is a mute point.

 

Focus on healing and letting go, stop listening or reading what's been said about you. Go NC with the both of them.

 

Thank you. I will just repeat that over and over to myself until it sticks! Staying out of it is my natural response - I detest drama and this whole thing is way outside my comfort zone. (But obviously self-inflicted!)

 

Can't go NC as he and I are together. This wasn't a meaningless fling, completely the opposite. But I need to just accept that this stuff is part of the package... Our relationship is wonderful in every way except for its genesis. We're both in therapy working on ourselves and on accepting responsibility for terrible decisions, while also not self-flagellating beyond its usefulness.

 

Thanks very much for your thoughts.

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You can't control what other people say about you. And yeah this is a little bit of karma coming back at you.

 

Are you with her husband now?

 

A quote comes to mind "you are free to choose, but you are not free of the consequences of your choice"

 

Not trying to control what she's saying, just wondering if it's worth trying to delve into the truth and correct some of the slander, vs stay out of it as I've done since the beginning. This isn't just "she's a homewrecker who stole my husband" stuff, which would be understandable.

 

But as I said, I know it's karma. Her turn to lie, I suppose.... I'll just let the chips fall where they may.

 

Yes, her ex and I are together.

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Birdies,

 

People who know you and love you will not prey on your mistakes. No matter how much bad is spread on you. People who want to prey will prey anyway.

 

It might feel messy right now but keep doind your own thing. Once it settles, you will know who is on your side. ( My best friend had this situation and I never for once hated her for any of it)

 

Thank you. This has been my experience to some extent, and I'm grateful for that.

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Listen, you just have to hold your head up high and let people think what you want. Your real friends will kmnow it's lies. Also, there are always two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in between. She has been through a lot and so have you.... A lot of betrayed spouses don't see it that way but it's true. A lot of hurt on both sides of the fence and a lot of mistakes made.

 

You made some bad choices, we all have. We are human. Forgive yourself and forgive him and her and move on with your life. Learn from this....

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Since they are divorced and you are now together with her ex it does sound like a case of her poisoning the well. In reality you guys are going to need to divide up the social circle. Some siding with you/him and other siding with her. The ones who stay with you won't care what she says.

 

:) Trust me. I definitely tried to turn my husband's OW's friends against her. I had great success with some of her friends but her best friends still stand with her and no matter how much venom I spread they aren't going anywhere.

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Hey all - anyone have their affair blow up publicly and have to deal with the other wife not only telling anyone who will listen about the A (which is certainly her right), but also spreading malicious lies? She has some serious emotional issues that she keeps pretty well hidden to the outside world, and they make her either delusional or a pathological liar - not sure which. She's been very proactive in spreading a lot of pretty wacko stuff to mutual friends / acquaintances, and although it seems completely crazy to me....so does an affair, so I'm sure a lot of people are eating it up with a spoon.

 

 

Yep, my H's XBW tried the same thing. It just lost her friends. Ultimately, people who know you will see it for what it is, and will walk wide circles around it. Don't bother to engage, it will just give her the attentions she's seeking.

 

If she ramps it up and starts breaking or stealing your stuff - as my H's XBW did to us - I'd suggest you take a firm stand quickly and get the police involved. We didn't - we cut her some slack, feeling pity for her - and it just escalated.

 

If her behaviour stays within the law, ignore it. But once she transgresses - take action. That would be my advice based on our experience.

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If she tells people you're the devil incarnate or a clingy idiot, those aren't liesu, they're matters of opinion that can't be proved true or false. Otoh. If she says that you tortured a golden retriever puppy on Tuesday and also wear compression hose to bed, then those would be lies if not true. What exactly is she saying that you object to? Is it factual lies or just expressing opinions about you?

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Hey all - anyone have their affair blow up publicly and have to deal with the other wife not only telling anyone who will listen about the A (which is certainly her right), but also spreading malicious lies? She has some serious emotional issues that she keeps pretty well hidden to the outside world, and they make her either delusional or a pathological liar - not sure which. She's been very proactive in spreading a lot of pretty wacko stuff to mutual friends / acquaintances, and although it seems completely crazy to me....so does an affair, so I'm sure a lot of people are eating it up with a spoon.

 

Obviously, this is a case of karma biting me in the ass, and not shltting where you eat, and I get it. I deserve it. But I do wish that if people are going to judge me harshly, which is 100% anyone's right to do so, they at least do it based on a vaguely accurate version of the truth. (I'm appreciative that my ex-H hasn't gone this same route - he's been amazingly mature and kind to me, and I'm grateful to him for that.)

 

So, what would you do? Try to lay out "the truth" to a few mutual friends? Or just let it go? This is more than a year later and their divorce is very much final. I'm getting to the end of my "I was a shltty person so I deserve this smear campaign" rope, for better or for worse.

 

PS - I should add that I have a lot of empathy for this woman and know that her actions are a result of a very difficult situation that I helped create. My post sounds fairly businesslike, but that's a just product of me focusing on the specific question at hand, not a lack of empathy toward her.

When the wife found out about me also she was trying to spread to as many people as possible. I just keep low and quiet. Right not im in a bad situation. My MM wants to reconcile with her. He told her that he had left me. And she was happily welcome her back. I dont know what should i do..mayb staying low is wrong...but just to share im my situation i didnt fight back i jusy let her do what she wants....

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