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NC at work


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 1st March 2017, 7:35 AM   #31
NTV
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Hey, I just wanted to point it out in case it got overlooked. .. you said he's running online scams? You mean like the kind that con retired grandparents out of their life savings?

If so, then you may want to give some anonymous info to the proper authorities. That goes beyond how you feel or don't feel about him and into the realm of criminal.
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Old 1st March 2017, 7:43 AM   #32
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I want to get my money back from that counselor who suggested I go talk to him.

He is maneuvering me back into rotation. First the online game, then gym, then... Why can't I say no to him? I don't want him, I actually think I hate him. He is playing with me like a cat plays with a mouse.

He's always talking about other "hot" women, and I say, why don't you just get with them then? He also claims it would be so easy for him. The answers vary from "she wants a boyfriend" (he only wants a **** buddy) to that I am a close friend and he has more feelings for me. What's the real reason? That I've already caved several times and so I'm easier to manipulate?

I know I need to go dead silent again. I truly believe he's a sociopathic predator, and I'm sick of this twisted game.
Hi jah! Good thing you know how to go NC then, right? Maybe it's time for that tactic again. I know you're worried about not having much of a social circle and he provides an outlet for that ... have you been on the Meetup website? I'm not sure where you live, but it's been a great way for me to get out and meet people of my age with similar interests! Something to think about.
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Old 1st March 2017, 11:26 AM   #33
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What's the real reason? That I've already caved several times and so I'm easier to manipulate?

I know I need to go dead silent again. I truly believe he's a sociopathic predator, and I'm sick of this twisted game.
Jah, go NC on him. I don't know if this guy's a sociopath, but it's pretty clear he's a grade-A ***hole. Just look at your first sentence. He's maneuvering you back into "the rotation." Don't let this guy do that to you. You deserve so much better. Hang in there, you did it once, you can do it again.
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Last edited by FoundMyStrength; 1st March 2017 at 11:26 AM.. Reason: edit
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Old 1st March 2017, 9:08 PM   #34
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Work affairs are the worst so hard to escape.

One think I think... something said to me once that stuck with me a long time: people tell you who they are all the time.

He's talking about other 'hot' women, how he can get around. He's telling you exactly who he is. He's in it for the thrill of the chase, he's in it for the sex. He's not in it for you.

Probably, you like the game too. It's fun, it's exciting, it's something to look forward to in an otherwise bleak and boring work day.

Is there anywhere else you can get this? Not at work, 'safe' flirting with others who aren't in a relationship, hobbies like skiing or working out (NOT at the gym he goes to ! ) art, volunteering, getting together with friends?

I think the best way to deal is to replace the addiction with other things that have intensity and purpose. Or at least, this is one of a few ways I know to cope. Fill your life up so there's no room in it for him.
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Old 1st March 2017, 10:06 PM   #35
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And one other thought - it is nice being someone's addiction, isn't it? You're ecstasy, or heroine, and you know his wife doesn't make him feel that way.

But is that really what you want from a man - to be his designer drug that he can't see clearly through the haze? Or do you want a man to see you for the flawed, fun person you are, and love you anyway?
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Old 2nd March 2017, 9:36 PM   #36
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It was exciting at first, I will admit. Honestly, it's been a long time since anyone took an interest in me that way.

It became less exciting and more an exercise in abuse when he flat out told me he was only interested in sex and, based on his unfavorable comparisons of me with other women, he didn't really find me that attractive either. I was just a set of holes to him. He knew I was at a particularly vulnerable time in my life (my mother was dying), so I was easy to exploit.

Why it continued after that? He kept wanting to come back for more, I needed the physical comfort, my self-esteem was so low I couldn't say no, I couldn't face my mother's death (still can't), I kept wanting him to care, just a little. Any of a number of reasons.

Mostly I wanted him to be a friend - he kept telling me he was, and I wanted so much to believe it. I kept trying to make someone care who didn't care at all - just wanted to use and abuse me.

They say that an addict will quit when the pain gets more intolerable than the pleasure. It got that way for me. So, no, I don't think this was a fun game. It was for him. For me, for a few minutes of physical closeness, I paid a very high price.

NTV - the scams afaik are not illegal. Unethical, yes. But ethics is not really his strong point. That's only what he's told me about though - could be just the tip of the iceberg, and I wouldn't be surprised.

For all who are wondering, yes, I've gone complete NC again.
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Old 18th April 2017, 3:30 PM   #37
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the end, again

I haven't been keeping strict no contact, thinking that maybe we could still be friends. One day a couple of weeks ago he asked me to help him out with something, which I did. It went pretty well except that he was still hinting around about going to my place and then scrapping the idea. The next day he asked me to go to the gym with him. He was ranting about something and I kept trying to interject, and he kept shouting over me to shut me down. Eventually I became the target, I'm not even sure how. Anyway, we got to the door of the gym and suddenly I just didn't want to go in with him. So we turned around and went back, with him ranting at me the whole way. Finally he said he had a bunch of fun stuff planned for us but now he didn't think it was going to work out, and he got out of the car and walked away without even saying goodbye.

So, I kind of think this is it. Neither of us has contacted the other in a couple weeks. I know it's so stupid but I feel like I'm at fault, and I miss him. I feel so frustrated that I can't make this right. I'm probably being an idiot too because it's likely he's working on someone else.

But now I have nothing. Trying to eliminate the toxic people in your life is not as easy as you'd think. Probably because nobody is 100% toxic, and you learn to cherish the good parts. And for a lonely person, it is hard to let go of anyone, especially someone who sometimes made you feel good.

I have gone back to 100% NC, blocked him everywhere, even though I don't really think he cares anymore. It still hurts.
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Old 18th April 2017, 3:52 PM   #38
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You think it's your fault be treated you like sh**t?

Wrong.

You think you have nothing?

Wrong. You have a clean slate to do things the right way with a decent man.

I know it's hard, because one gets addicted to the good stuff....but this is a blessing and a chance for you to grow. Celebrate!
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Old 18th April 2017, 7:27 PM   #39
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Omg This guy is such an abusive pyschopath, I can't even believe it. Please continue to stay no contact with him! You know you'll be better off that way even though you're right that everyone has some good pieces to them Can you sign up to volunteer at an animal shelter, or do a meet up group with an activity you like in the meantime?
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Old 18th April 2017, 8:19 PM   #40
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What is it that you actually like about him? He treats you like crap and belittles you, talks over you like what you have to say means nothing. It's disrespectful and rude. Why on earth would you want a man like that, let alone a friend like that? PS: He isn't 'a friend'. Not even close.

Are you done yet? I hope you stick with NC and remember why it's best to rid of him from your life. He brings you stress, sadness and pain much more than he does happiness or fun. Remember that when you really start missing him and open that door again.
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Old 18th April 2017, 8:21 PM   #41
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Can someone please help me create a post?? I really need some advise n idk how to use this site (on my mobile, no computer)
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Old 18th April 2017, 9:05 PM   #42
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I still feel like I need closure. Even if he tells me he really only wanted me for some extra sex. At least I'd know. But he was forever telling me I was his best friend. So I'm confused. But I guess it's not likely I'd ever get the truth.

I did find out he's blocked me on FB. And I did text him to apologize about something I said that may have set him off. He's not replying. I think this is one too many pull-push incidents and it's finally broken.

I guess he hates me, and I still have to work with him. I handled this so badly.
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Old 18th April 2017, 9:18 PM   #43
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I still feel like I need closure. Even if he tells me he really only wanted me for some extra sex. At least I'd know. But he was forever telling me I was his best friend. So I'm confused. But I guess it's not likely I'd ever get the truth.

I did find out he's blocked me on FB. And I did text him to apologize about something I said that may have set him off. He's not replying. I think this is one too many pull-push incidents and it's finally broken.

I guess he hates me, and I still have to work with him. I handled this so badly.
There is no closure.
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Old 18th April 2017, 10:40 PM   #44
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I still feel like I need closure. Even if he tells me he really only wanted me for some extra sex. At least I'd know. But he was forever telling me I was his best friend. So I'm confused. But I guess it's not likely I'd ever get the truth.

I did find out he's blocked me on FB. And I did text him to apologize about something I said that may have set him off. He's not replying. I think this is one too many pull-push incidents and it's finally broken.

I guess he hates me, and I still have to work with him. I handled this so badly.

The truth is this: He really only wanted you for sex but you're not the type of woman to do that so he lied to you and told you that you were his best friend knowing you'd be more likely to have sex with him if you thought emotions were involved. It worked.
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Old 26th April 2017, 4:05 PM   #45
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just hurting today

Just feeling very low today. I know it's 100% over because he's not trying anymore - not texting, not asking me to go anywhere, nothing. Part of me misses the attention I think. And I guess I really wanted to believe he was my friend despite all evidence to the contrary. Still says he's my friend, but probably because I've become too difficult for him, he has decided not to make any effort anymore.

I should feel happy about this, but I just feel like I screwed up. Honestly, I think he may have found someone else. He seems to have an MO of targeting older women, because there is one I've seen him hanging out with recently, and I know she's met him at least once outside of work.

I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling the person I know at work, who is always nice, even gentlemanly, with the thug I saw away from work. I believe the person I saw outside of work is the real him though.

Not even sure why this hurts. It just does.
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