LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

NC at work


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree99Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 15th February 2017, 9:09 AM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 102
Why were your counselors suggesting to not stay away from him? How are you feeling since reaching out to him?

I'd say if you're still feeling compelled to talk to him, you're going in the opposite direction of meh.
drypuddle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 10:21 AM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 329
Quote:
Originally Posted by drypuddle View Post
Why were your counselors suggesting to not stay away from him? How are you feeling since reaching out to him?

I'd say if you're still feeling compelled to talk to him, you're going in the opposite direction of meh.
I told them that I don't have a lot of friends here or family and they are very big on "support structure". I told them that he and I used to be friends, along with all the other stuff, and I missed that. And I told them about the NC. This last one thought that I could sit down and have a reasonable conversation with him, telling him that I don't want to do the physical stuff anymore but we could still be friends.

Which is what I ended up doing. His response was not to say "ok" but that if it happens, it happens, and don't worry about it.

But he also brought up some situations with other women so I am pretty sure he's trolling again. I just need to be careful.

Counseling has never worked for me so I am ready to chuck it in on that front.
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 2:10 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 694
I honestly feel I was doing better before counseling.
jennifernyc84 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 2:35 PM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 329
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennifernyc84 View Post
I honestly feel I was doing better before counseling.
Sorry Jen, I don't want to throw you off course because it seems like you're doing very well. Maybe you have to stick with it for awhile or find a different counselor if one isn't working. I've been to a lot in my life and for me personally I don't feel that it works. But I'm a special case.
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 3:48 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Miss Peach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: With Professor Plum in the Library with the Candlestick
Posts: 2,678
Try not to feel bad. It sounds like he was testing the waters. You showed him the door wasn't open.
knabe likes this.
Miss Peach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 4:31 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 642
just a note - counseling works for some but not for everyone. I have noticed that counseling wants to bring the emotions to the surface so that you can examine them and deal with them in a healthy manner (at least the good ones do). When the emotions for me come to the surface that is a scary time for me because my actions are difficult to control but once they come out (like a sickness) then i find it easier to let go and heal.

Again counseling isn't for everyone..
deadsoul likes this.
HeCantBreakMe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 4:46 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
I told them that I don't have a lot of friends here or family and they are very big on "support structure". I told them that he and I used to be friends, along with all the other stuff, and I missed that. And I told them about the NC. This last one thought that I could sit down and have a reasonable conversation with him, telling him that I don't want to do the physical stuff anymore but we could still be friends.

Which is what I ended up doing. His response was not to say "ok" but that if it happens, it happens, and don't worry about it.

But he also brought up some situations with other women so I am pretty sure he's trolling again. I just need to be careful.

Counseling has never worked for me so I am ready to chuck it in on that front.
Hm! I just can't imagine a counselor would think your exMM would be a great choice for establishing support structure.
drypuddle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 5:02 PM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 345
Quote:
Originally Posted by drypuddle View Post
Hm! I just can't imagine a counselor would think your exMM would be a great choice for establishing support structure.
Agreed. I know you've decided to not return to counseling, but this would be a good sign to find someone else if you ever get back to it in the future. There are so many other ways to build a support structure, from online resources to new activities to support groups, etc. Counselors shouldn't be recommending people return to a toxic relationship as a "friend."
FoundMyStrength is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 11:49 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 329
Thanks all for being gentle. If I were a MM I'd fall in love with you all and leave my wife for you.
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th February 2017, 12:41 PM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 329
I'm actually glad I broke NC this week. But I'm also glad I had that time (almost 6 weeks) away, because it helped me get myself out of the vicious cycle we were in. It was definitely an addiction. And I'm not saying I don't still have moments when I want him - for whatever reason I am extremely sexually attracted to him, like a magnet. But now I have time and space to reflect on how much that will hurt if I continue to do it.

Speaking with him again was like hearing the same broken record again. I know he has an addictive personality. He chooses to give in to the addictions instead of fighting them. It's going to bite him in the end, already has in some ways. One time he said the reason we are addicted is because we never fully gave in to the addiction. I guess that makes some sort of sense? Along the lines of screwing until you are both sick of each other - anyone tried this? I'm curious if that would actually work (not that I'm considering it).

He's still trying his same tricks - triangulation, pleading with his eyes, minimizing. It's just not going to work anymore.

I white-knuckled it for 6 weeks, trying so hard to stay away from something I thought I needed. I'm sure in some weird way this was tied in to my mom's passing - he swooped in during a time when I was vulnerable, promising to always be there for me, even telling me he would take care of me. So letting go of that dependence was scary. It made me feel like I'd be truly alone, which is not even true but shows just how brainwashed I was. Now I know I don't need this relationship. And more than that, I don't want it. I think I'm free.
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th February 2017, 3:04 PM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 694
Quote:
Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
Thanks all for being gentle. If I were a MM I'd fall in love with you all and leave my wife for you.
Lmao!!!! This post Jah, I'm done
jah526 likes this.
jennifernyc84 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th February 2017, 3:38 PM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 694
Quote:
Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
I'm actually glad I broke NC this week. But I'm also glad I had that time (almost 6 weeks) away, because it helped me get myself out of the vicious cycle we were in. It was definitely an addiction. And I'm not saying I don't still have moments when I want him - for whatever reason I am extremely sexually attracted to him, like a magnet. But now I have time and space to reflect on how much that will hurt if I continue to do it.

Speaking with him again was like hearing the same broken record again. I know he has an addictive personality. He chooses to give in to the addictions instead of fighting them. It's going to bite him in the end, already has in some ways. One time he said the reason we are addicted is because we never fully gave in to the addiction. I guess that makes some sort of sense? Along the lines of screwing until you are both sick of each other - anyone tried this? I'm curious if that would actually work (not that I'm considering it).

He's still trying his same tricks - triangulation, pleading with his eyes, minimizing. It's just not going to work anymore.

I white-knuckled it for 6 weeks, trying so hard to stay away from something I thought I needed. I'm sure in some weird way this was tied in to my mom's passing - he swooped in during a time when I was vulnerable, promising to always be there for me, even telling me he would take care of me. So letting go of that dependence was scary. It made me feel like I'd be truly alone, which is not even true but shows just how brainwashed I was. Now I know I don't need this relationship. And more than that, I don't want it. I think I'm free.

It's so refreshing to hear this Jah!! I have always felt like you and I go through the motions together. Everything that's happened in both our situations has been somewhat similar. If you can get where you are now, so can I!!

I have faith in you and in myself. I'm still not there but I am still trying. I won't ever stop trying to get free from myself.

So good to see a postivive post from you Jah. Keep em comin!
jah526 likes this.
jennifernyc84 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th February 2017, 6:14 PM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 329
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennifernyc84 View Post
It's so refreshing to hear this Jah!! I have always felt like you and I go through the motions together. Everything that's happened in both our situations has been somewhat similar. If you can get where you are now, so can I!!

I have faith in you and in myself. I'm still not there but I am still trying. I won't ever stop trying to get free from myself.

So good to see a postivive post from you Jah. Keep em comin!
My A, if you can even call it that, lasted about 7 mos. I can't even imagine being in your situation. It's going to take time, but at least we are headed in the right direction. Thanks for the reply, and I'm glad to know you are hanging in there!
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2017, 11:56 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 329
ah fuuuuuuuuuu

I want to get my money back from that counselor who suggested I go talk to him.

He is maneuvering me back into rotation. First the online game, then gym, then... Why can't I say no to him? I don't want him, I actually think I hate him. He is playing with me like a cat plays with a mouse.

He's always talking about other "hot" women, and I say, why don't you just get with them then? He also claims it would be so easy for him. The answers vary from "she wants a boyfriend" (he only wants a **** buddy) to that I am a close friend and he has more feelings for me. What's the real reason? That I've already caved several times and so I'm easier to manipulate?

I know I need to go dead silent again. I truly believe he's a sociopathic predator, and I'm sick of this twisted game.
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2017, 12:41 AM   #30
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 57,544
Find a new therapist to talk to!!

Yes he loves this game. He is manipulating you and you keep falling for it over and over again. When you truly are sick and tired of it all, you'll find the strength to end it and stay away from him and ignore him.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
She broke no contact wishing to work out a solution at work, should I reply? Sam1986 Breaks and Breaking Up 68 12th November 2014 1:27 PM
How do employers view willingness to work interview around work schedule? pink_sugar Business and Professional Relationships 10 17th December 2012 7:14 PM
wait for full-time work or find side work now? Guest Business and Professional Relationships 0 30th April 2006 2:59 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:54 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.