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NC at work


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Old 5th February 2017, 11:08 PM   #1
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NC at work

I've been about a month no contact now, which is not really that easy since we work in the same building though in different offices. Just had a discussion with a friend about it. My friend thinks I'm still being too aware of where he is so that I can avoid him, and that isn't healthy either. I just don't know what the protocol is - do I say hello if I bump into him or just pretend he doesn't exist? I know my friend thinks I'm being silly but I don't think he really understands the amount of pain I've been in. I guess the best thing to do would be to find another job but that's difficult too, especially at my age.
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Old 5th February 2017, 11:55 PM   #2
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I've been about a month no contact now, which is not really that easy since we work in the same building though in different offices. Just had a discussion with a friend about it. My friend thinks I'm still being too aware of where he is so that I can avoid him, and that isn't healthy either. I just don't know what the protocol is - do I say hello if I bump into him or just pretend he doesn't exist? I know my friend thinks I'm being silly but I don't think he really understands the amount of pain I've been in. I guess the best thing to do would be to find another job but that's difficult too, especially at my age.
Just ignore.
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Old 6th February 2017, 1:56 AM   #3
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I've been about a month no contact now, which is not really that easy since we work in the same building though in different offices. Just had a discussion with a friend about it. My friend thinks I'm still being too aware of where he is so that I can avoid him, and that isn't healthy either. I just don't know what the protocol is - do I say hello if I bump into him or just pretend he doesn't exist? I know my friend thinks I'm being silly but I don't think he really understands the amount of pain I've been in. I guess the best thing to do would be to find another job but that's difficult too, especially at my age.
You ignore him. You owe him nothing!

Ask if you can get a transfer in your company if possible, but in the meantime look for another job, if one comes up that you feel good about, go for it.
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Old 6th February 2017, 8:23 AM   #4
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I am in the same position you are in. For awhile I did make it a point to avoid those areas I knew he would be in but eventually stopped doing that. We are adults and need to adapt to being in the same space together. That has led to us passing each other in the hallways occasionally. I always let him speak first and it's only ever been a hi or good morning, said in a very curt manner. The last time we were on the same space, he was staring and smiling at me weirdly and offered a friendly hello. I returned it with a confused hello.
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Old 6th February 2017, 9:04 AM   #5
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Thanks for the replies. I think ghosting has been working pretty well so far. He has a history of minimizing or discounting my feelings, and it always makes me think I'm overreacting. Then I end up back at square one again. I know he's a master manipulator - he's even running scams online. I think it's best just to continue to stay away. I'll keep it civil and professional if I have to have interaction, and ignore him unless he says something first, but it won't go beyond hello.
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Old 6th February 2017, 3:35 PM   #6
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If you haven't been an affair or in a situation like this you cannot understand the depths. Your friend may just not understand and the best thing is to stay away, ignore, run from if necessary but keep far away from.
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Old 6th February 2017, 6:58 PM   #7
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Ugh, I feel like the world's biggest bitch. He came over to my area today for the first time in weeks and was talking to my cube mate. I didn't even turn around, not even when he mentioned my name (didn't address me directly or I would have). I don't know, maybe he's trying to make amends. Maybe he can't find any good replacement kibbles. Probably he's lonely. I feel terrible.
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Old 6th February 2017, 8:26 PM   #8
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Ugh, I feel like the world's biggest bitch.
No, J, *you took care of you*, putting your need to protect yourself ahead of this man's desire to harm you, and we are all so proud of you for doing so.

Now please, love, take a step back and look at what you wrote:
"I feel like the worlds biggest bitch"
...because....
"He probably feels lonely"
...yet I am denying him my friendship...
"I feel terrible"
...for denying him what he wants.

And there it is: *this* is how he manipulates you.

Your intrinsic need to feel valued - your innate capacity to empathize with ...just about anybody, no matter how twisted - this fundamentally decent and attractive aspect of your character - *this* is the button he knows how to push , and has exploited since the day he first met you.
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Old 6th February 2017, 8:34 PM   #9
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Don't feel bad! He is trying to manipulate you and you are standing strong and putting YOURSELF before this person who, while he may have seemed like a friend in many ways, is also a very evil dude. Sweetie, he took advantage of your vulnerability and basically raped you. He doesn't deserve your empathy. You're doing the right thing, keep it up!
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Old 6th February 2017, 9:16 PM   #10
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And there it is: *this* is how he manipulates you.

Your intrinsic need to feel valued - your innate capacity to empathize with ...just about anybody, no matter how twisted - this fundamentally decent and attractive aspect of your character - *this* is the button he knows how to push , and has exploited since the day he first met you.
Bingo. I think this is the way many xMM manipulate the OW. They play on the fact that, even in NC, we still have this reservoir of caring. This desire to help them, to soothe them, to be there for them. Anything for xMM, even as it rips us apart.

Be strong, jah. These men are emotional vampires. I don't know if they simply don't know how to reach out and get support from the people they have, or if their soul is just a bottomless void that couldn't be filled no matter how many people they have.

But they take and they take. And they never really give us anything back.
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Old 6th February 2017, 10:21 PM   #11
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cloche, Birdies, FoundMyStrength - can't thank you enough. You all basically confirmed what I've suspected for a long time. I'm going to save this and read it whenever I'm feeling like I did today.
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Old 11th February 2017, 10:30 AM   #12
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I have a suspicion MM is moving on to his next victim. I suppose I should be happy or relieved. Or at least sorry for the next woman. Instead I am feeling a loss. I know it's not really the loss of him that I'm mourning. It's the loss of what he pretended to be, what he told me he was - a true friend.

This past week was terrible. I am feeling a need to explain to him why I went NC, even though he's not asking. He must know, right? That I finally had enough of his abuse?

I've been inspired by a couple people here - Jen NYC and MB - to get back into counseling. I called a different counselor yesterday and got an appointment. I know a lot of these issues stem from anxiety and I'm hoping I can get on medication to help with that, instead of reaching out for things that are ultimately toxic for me.
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Old 11th February 2017, 11:05 AM   #13
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This past week was terrible. I am feeling a need to explain to him why I went NC, even though he's not asking. He must know, right? That I finally had enough of his abuse?

I've been inspired by a couple people here - Jen NYC and MB - to get back into counseling. I called a different counselor yesterday and got an appointment. I know a lot of these issues stem from anxiety and I'm hoping I can get on medication to help with that, instead of reaching out for things that are ultimately toxic for me.
Take it from one who's been there, it's probably not worth your time to explain. First, I went LC then NC, and both times, sent a lovely, carefully worded email explaining why (still love him, much sadness and pain, grief and shame, just can't do it anymore, wish we'd met at a different time). Both times, his responses conveniently neglected to in any way acknowledge that difficult emotional stuff. I think it made him feel bad to be told I was in pain and leaving (poor him), so like most xMM do, he avoided the topic entirely. My biggest takeaway from the affair: it is *always* about them.

I second (or third or fourth) the counseling! I just had my third session last week, and it's been really helpful. My therapist is part CBT, part psychoanalysis. I'd recommend the latter if you think engaging in an affair has any roots in childhood/family/parental stuff. Mine definitely does.
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Last edited by FoundMyStrength; 11th February 2017 at 11:08 AM.. Reason: mistake
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Old 11th February 2017, 1:14 PM   #14
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I have a suspicion MM is moving on to his next victim. I suppose I should be happy or relieved. Or at least sorry for the next woman. Instead I am feeling a loss. I know it's not really the loss of him that I'm mourning. It's the loss of what he pretended to be, what he told me he was - a true friend.

This past week was terrible. I am feeling a need to explain to him why I went NC, even though he's not asking. He must know, right? That I finally had enough of his abuse?

I've been inspired by a couple people here - Jen NYC and MB - to get back into counseling. I called a different counselor yesterday and got an appointment. I know a lot of these issues stem from anxiety and I'm hoping I can get on medication to help with that, instead of reaching out for things that are ultimately toxic for me.
I'm so glad you are getting into counseling. Normally I see ghosting as weak and cowardly (coming from one who was ghosted), but in your case, after reading your story, it is necessary for your self preservation. He deserves nothing after the way he treated you.

Exercise and meditation are helping me, I don't know if those are options for you. Take care of you. Journal, that's another thing. And just take a day at a time. Sometimes it's an hour at a time. Let yourself grieve so you can decide to move on. I will say any kind of contact makes it really tough so stay strong. Know you are not alone...
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Old 14th February 2017, 10:28 PM   #15
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Got completely triggered with the new counselor and broke NC today. I'm actually thinking it wasn't a bad thing. I think trying so hard not to contact him was actually making me obsess more. Seeing him in person took some of the forbiddenness away and I could just see him as another struggling person looking for something to take the pain away. The pull isn't what it was before. Maybe I'm approaching meh, I don't know.

I know I need to be careful now. I'm not going back to counseling though. Everyone else in my life will be saying stay away and the only people that question that are the counselors. So... so much for that.
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