Other man, been deceived [UPDATED]

[bbanner]

I ran across this site looking for answers and looks like people give good insight.

 

I'm 43, shes 50.

My story: I met this woman 3 years 10 months ago. We hit it off great. She was working 2 jobs at the time and we saw each other 1-2 times a week. Things blossomed. She had a daughter that moved with her dad in another state later that first year. 2 years later she got a new job and began working 6 days a week, working every shift. She was exhausted a lot and we only saw each other 1x week. She wasn't proud of her place because she rented from someone, so we always went to my place. Her 16yo daughter came back September of 2015. She moved in with her brother, 45 minutes away from me. with her daughter and living a distance away, we saw each other 2-3xmonth. She finally got a new job in July of 2016. We saw each other 2x a week. She spent the night when she could drop her daughter off at her cousins or other family. Our relationship was kicking on all cylinders. We talked at least 4-5days a week, texted daily, expressing how much we loved each other, talked about moving in, spending time with daughter together. Our relationship was the best it had ever been. She expressed numerous times how much she adored and appreciated me,and I reciprocated. We rarely had any drama.

 

Here's where it all fell apart. She was supposed to spend the night with me the first week of December. The day before she was supposed to come over, she said we were done and she cant lie anymore because her daughter was going to leave her. She said never to contact her again and hung up. 3 weeks later, i get a text from a number I dont recognize. It said " stop trying to contact my wife, got it?". It later stated it was her husband.

 

I left it at that. She called me later and we met up. She said she was seeing this guy on and off for 8 years and the relationship went in every direction. She wanted to get her daughter a stable life and wasnt sure where she and I were headed. So she decided to marry him last July. She said her family members didnt want her to marry him. She said she was just going to make it work for her daughters sake and give herself some security. She didnt want this one to be screwed up, like the older two daughters. This all blew up because her daughter saw our texts and so did the husband.

 

She was sleeping with me before they got married and numerous times after they got married. This would have continued if her daughter never saw the texts. I was about to ask her to move in and propose at our 4th anniversary.

 

Do you think their marriage will last after this cheating before and after the marriage?

 

Part of me wants to wait for her, but I know its foolish. I need you guys to tell me how foolish that is.

 

I know she is getting IC, as am I.

 

Should I call the husband and tell my side of the story? Who knows what she has been telling him.

 

I lost a lot of weight and had a lot of sleepless nights.

 

I feel like we shared a beautiful love, but she and did not communicate well prior to this event. I feel I am a much better communicator now.

 

Thanks for any thoughts.

[bbanner]

I have all of our texts, her expressing to me how much she loved me and had dreams for us, wishing she was right next to me, etc. Should I let the husband see these?

[oldshirt]

Life Lesson : People can say anything. It always pay to look into things yourself and verify.

 

You may never know for sure what was truth, what was partial truth and what was total fabrication.

 

What you do know is she is a lier and a cheat and someone who lives a double and perhaps triple or even quadruple life.

 

Is that where you want to be when Jesus comes back?

 

Walk away from this one. You dodged a big, destructive bullet. Don't go sticking your nose into something that stinks.

[somanymistakes]

Sorry for your disappointment, mate, it always sucks when someone you care about turns out to be lying to you.

 

Their marriage likely won't last too long - but even if it doesn't, she already demonstrated that she doesn't want to choose you for a serious partnership. She has always kept you at a distance, enjoying her time with you without ever having to let you fully into her life and risk you finding out all her secrets.

 

I don't think it's true that she "wasn't sure where your relationship was headed" - it sounds like she was making sure that relationship couldn't go full-time. For whatever reason, whether it's money or compatibility or family ties or whatever, she sees the other guy as more husband material than she does you. Even if their marriage ends, I don't think she wants to marry you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Wow, I am soo sorry for your experience. Not only do I understand what it's like to be OW, but I feel like I have to apologize on behalf of good women everywhere for her behavior.

 

You definitely got the short end of the stick here. She reminds me of a documentary I saw where a woman had 5 husbands at the same time and most of them didn't know about the others. You should watch it on YouTube. It's called, "The Bigamist Bride: My Five Husbands (Documentary)." Here's the link:

 

 

Stay away from this one...she is bad, bad, bad to the core! Glad you found Loveshack. Keep posting and keep healing. Do not let her back in your life! This is one I would bet money on that she has a personality disorder.

 

P.S. Forget contacting her husband...he probably believes she is innocent and she's probably convinced him you are a deranged lunatic who won't leave her alone (we know better of course!). He is unlikely to believe anything you say. Spare yourself the additional agony and nuisance. Focus on yourself, your life, your healing, and eventually a good woman who loves you honestly.

Edited February 6, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[S2B]

Stop wasting your time and your life with an opportunist who lies and cheats.

[BaileyB]

Stop wasting your time and your life with an opportunist who lies and cheats.

 

That's the truth. And no, don't show the texts to her husband. This doesn't involve you... She is married to this man and you are the outsider. She is his problem to deal with...

 

As the Beatles once said, Let it be...

[S2B]

You're acting like a victim...but you knew what she was doing to deceive you yet you keep seeing her?

 

You CHOOSE this every day for yourself - why?

 

 

You are a victim of your own choices...

[S2B]

Show him the texts? No!

 

Stay away from THEIR married life...

 

Get busy having a new life without her at all!

 

She is using you because YOU are ALLOWING her to. Just stop that.

[bbanner]

S2B, I may have not been clear. I didnt know she was seeing anyone else until last month. We stopped seeing each other once it came out. So, yes, I am a victim in this. And I am trying to move forward.

[eye of the storm]

It seems to me that you want to show her H the texts in order to blow up their relationship, thinking maybe that she will come back to you.

 

But it rarely ever works out that way. She will be angry YOU blew up her marriage and caused damage to her daughter. She will not acknowledge that she had anything to do with it. It will be all your fault.

 

She played you. Im sorry.

 

Move on from her.

[FoundMyStrength]

Part of me wants to wait for her, but I know its foolish. I need you guys to tell me how foolish that is.

 

I know she is getting IC, as am I.

 

Should I call the husband and tell my side of the story? Who knows what she has been telling him.

 

No, you shouldn't wait for her. No matter what feelings still linger, this is a woman who lied to and manipulated you. If I'm reading your post right, she was with you for 4 years while also being with him, and then was married to him for 7-8 months while continuing to lie to you. Whatever other good qualities she may have, this woman is not partner or marriage material. She should be avoided like the plague.

 

Re: the husband, what use would it serve to call him? He already knows you exist. Yes, it's likely she's telling him her version of events. MM/MW always do. Nothing you say to him will make him feel better, and does it really matter what he thinks of you? Unless he's doing something actively to mess with your life (telling your friends, your employer), it's not worth it. You're likely to become a target of his anger, and you won't change his mind about what happened. BS tend to believe the spouse over the OW/OM.

[Southern Sun]

I ran across this site looking for answers and looks like people give good insight.

 

I'm 43, shes 50.

My story: I met this woman 3 years 10 months ago. We hit it off great. She was working 2 jobs at the time and we saw each other 1-2 times a week. Things blossomed. She had a daughter that moved with her dad in another state later that first year. 2 years later she got a new job and began working 6 days a week, working every shift. She was exhausted a lot and we only saw each other 1x week. She wasn't proud of her place because she rented from someone, so we always went to my place. Her 16yo daughter came back September of 2015. She moved in with her brother, 45 minutes away from me. with her daughter and living a distance away, we saw each other 2-3xmonth. She finally got a new job in July of 2016. We saw each other 2x a week. She spent the night when she could drop her daughter off at her cousins or other family. Our relationship was kicking on all cylinders. We talked at least 4-5days a week, texted daily, expressing how much we loved each other, talked about moving in, spending time with daughter together. Our relationship was the best it had ever been. She expressed numerous times how much she adored and appreciated me,and I reciprocated. We rarely had any drama.

 

Here's where it all fell apart. She was supposed to spend the night with me the first week of December. The day before she was supposed to come over, she said we were done and she cant lie anymore because her daughter was going to leave her. She said never to contact her again and hung up. 3 weeks later, i get a text from a number I dont recognize. It said " stop trying to contact my wife, got it?". It later stated it was her husband.

 

I left it at that. She called me later and we met up. She said she was seeing this guy on and off for 8 years and the relationship went in every direction. She wanted to get her daughter a stable life and wasnt sure where she and I were headed. So she decided to marry him last July. She said her family members didnt want her to marry him. She said she was just going to make it work for her daughters sake and give herself some security. She didnt want this one to be screwed up, like the older two daughters. This all blew up because her daughter saw our texts and so did the husband.

 

She was sleeping with me before they got married and numerous times after they got married. This would have continued if her daughter never saw the texts. I was about to ask her to move in and propose at our 4th anniversary.

 

Do you think their marriage will last after this cheating before and after the marriage?

 

Part of me wants to wait for her, but I know its foolish. I need you guys to tell me how foolish that is.

 

I know she is getting IC, as am I.

 

Should I call the husband and tell my side of the story? Who knows what she has been telling him.

 

I lost a lot of weight and had a lot of sleepless nights.

 

I feel like we shared a beautiful love, but she and did not communicate well prior to this event. I feel I am a much better communicator now.

 

Thanks for any thoughts.

 

This woman is a real piece of work. And I have to wonder how willingly blind you were in this situation too.

 

So over the course of FOUR years, it never occurred to you that it was strange that you couldn't see her place?

 

Was she living with that guy maybe? Or just couldn't let you see the pictures of them together, evidence of her "real" life?

 

I'm sure it wasn't about her being ashamed of her living circumstances.

 

Even if her claims were true, didn't you see any red flags about them? She obviously has some financial issues and is not a grounded person, at the VERY least. And as her intimate partner, she should be sharing some of this with you.

 

Her 16 year old daughter wasn't even living in the same STATE as her (her own mother) when you met her.

 

And she says she needs to marry this guy for stability so she doesn't screw up her daughter like her two older girls??? Hey, if you were so great, what about you?

 

There is a common denominator here and it's HER.

 

This woman is a hot mess.

 

The bare bones facts are that she lied to you for four years about her relationship status, pulled a lot of maneuvers to keep you from discovering that, and exposed her poor daughter to all of it. What the frick was she planning to do when it all came crashing down?

 

I recommend you say a silent prayer of gratitude and back slowly away.

[Ruffian1]

Should I call the husband and tell my side of the story

 

Yes. Wouldn't you want to know if you were in his shoes.

 

It is the right thing to do.

[Sampson]

As a betrayed husband myself. This is a difficult questions from your perspective. The way you are putting it is that if you sent the husband the text messages it might blow up the marriage and send her to you. This is selfish and hurtful way of thinking, you are the outsider attempting to meadle in a marriage for your own selfish gain.

 

However, as a betrayed, given your situation I would say if you remain 100% NC and send a package with a usb drive with the text messages and a letter stating what is on it and you want him to know the truth, so that the husband can choose to read it or not. You would be doing the right thing in my book. You can send this letter signature required by husband USPS.

 

But the key here is for you to 100% cut all ties and allow their marriage to either flourish or die on its own.

 

And if at such time it does die on it's own and she goes searching for you are you really ready to have a relationship with such a deceitful woman? Or should you spend your time and days having real relationships with honest single women who are authentic.

 

I should define dying on it's own = divorce decree signed

Edited February 8, 2017 by Sampson

[bbanner]

Thank you Sampson, that's a great idea. I've been going to IC and have been learning to value myself more and understanding that I deserve better and dodged a bullet here. If I was in his shoes, I would want to know.

[whichwayisup]

I have all of our texts, her expressing to me how much she loved me and had dreams for us, wishing she was right next to me, etc. Should I let the husband see these?

 

Are you wanting to show him the texts so their marriage will end and she'll come to you? Or do you want to tell him because he deserves to know the truth and you feel bad now knowing she's married and you helped her cheat on him? It seems even though you know the truth about her, you still want her.

[bbanner]

In all honesty, part of me does want her back, but I know I wouldn't be able to trust her. I know she has a lot of issues to work out. And if my friend was in a similar situation, I would say move on. I haven't had any contact with her for almost a month now. She's not the person I fell in love with. If I was in her husbands shoes, I would want to know. He should just know what he is daealing with. Who knows, maybe she told him everything already and wants to stick it out.

[aileD]

My personal opinion on the "should I tell the spouse" question is this:

 

If you're already OUT....then leave it alone. You're out. No contact. Why blow things up and bring that drama back into your life? It's over. Let it go, she and her marriage is not your problem or business anymore.

 

I feel if you're still entangled, then yes....tell the spouse because then it forces a decision (which is usually them staying married and cutting AP out)...and brings things to and end either way.

 

But if you're already out and no contact? You're doing it for spite, because your hurt, because you want to bring her back into your life, because you need the drama, because you want revenge....pick one. It's never "the spouse should know what they're dealing with". Or "I want to make amends". No those are excuses. Could have done that during the affair or just not had an affair.

 

You're out. Stay out. Move on with your life. Let them deal with their crap.

 

If he contacts you? Tell the truth.

[bbanner]

Ailed, I didn't know I was in an affair. I thought she was my gf.

[sandylee1]

If I were the husband I'd want to know the truth, because the marriage is fraudulent. She married him, taking a vow of fidelity while actively cheating and he could get an annulment on that basis, as I'd bet my bottom dollar is he has a minimised version of the truth.

 

She deceived him for almost 4 years! I bet she's played every man she's come into contact with.

 

I really don't know how some people sleep at night. She's a pathetic excuse for a mother and a wife.

 

She said she didn't know where your relationship was heading, without letting you know she was in a relationship with another man.

 

She's wasted 4 years of your life. Why would you want a future with someone like that?

[aileD]

Ailed, I didn't know I was in an affair. I thought she was my gf.

 

 

She wasn't, it was an affair on her end. I'm sorry you didn't know. But it's still an affair which you are out of now. Just move on with your life. You'll find someone else who's single and honest. Forget this lying cheater

[bbanner]

Thanks SandyLee.

 

I'd like to hear from more people. I'm out of the relationship. As a guy, I would want to know. I like Sampsons idea of giving the USB ad letting him decide to open it or not. Why have another person get manipulated and lied to when there is an option for him to know the truth?

[Poppy47]

Thanks SandyLee.

 

I'd like to hear from more people. I'm out of the relationship. As a guy, I would want to know. I like Sampsons idea of giving the USB ad letting him decide to open it or not. Why have another person get manipulated and lied to when there is an option for him to know the truth?

 

If you do, it will be on your head forever. Personally, I couldn't live with myself if I destroyed an innocent person.

If his ignorance is bliss.... let him be. It seems likely that somewhere in the future he will find out what she is anyway.

 

Think long and hard about your real motives.

Poppy.

ps. Just how did she avoid telling you for 4 years that she had a bf and was getting married? It must have been a very strange relationship. People usually go to each other's homes, meet family and friends over such a long period of time. Wondering:confused:

[zanwalk]

Thanks SandyLee.

 

I'd like to hear from more people. I'm out of the relationship. As a guy, I would want to know. I like Sampsons idea of giving the USB ad letting him decide to open it or not. Why have another person get manipulated and lied to when there is an option for him to know the truth?

 

Having read the thread, I am inclined to advise deleting those texts and put the whole episode behind you. If you look at it as a learning experience, it will help you from ever falling into that situation again.

 

Sending the H the texts could have unforeseen consequences and will only be stirring up the past. For all we may know she may have indeed changed her behaviour and is determined to be faithful from now on, however unlikely that may seem. We have all made mistakes in our lives, and I think now is the time for you to concentrate on your life and future and hopefully meet someone who you can grow to love and trust.

 

If she hasn't changed I think the H will soon find out what he has got himself into without any help from you. I honestly don't see any benefits to you by revealing the texts, and it may turn into a can of worms that you regret opening.

 

I wish you all the best, and be careful out there.