LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

He wants to do the right thing ending the affair


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree143Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 3rd February 2017, 1:14 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 65
He wants to do the right thing ending the affair

I better start from the beginning. I have been in an EA and PA for the last almost 6 years with a MM. He has been married 25 years, He ended it 4 months ago, because it was their anniversary and he wanted to do the right thing towards his wife as well as me. We have been back and forth during those months and he keeps contact even if he is very, very guilty. I keep letting him in although I know, I shouldn't... I love him dearly. I miss him and I need him even if my rational mind keeps saying to me this is unhealthy. I obviously cannot keep going on like this, hoping that he will change his mind.

Was it all a lie for all those years? Since he can cut a person off like this or is it genuine guilt? And if so, why did he stay for such a long time with me if he loves his wife?

I have nightmares that he has found somebody else that can give him the attention and excitement that I gave him. I am afraid to let go and yet, I hate that I keep missing Him. Please help with some advice - l am falling apart from all this mess :-(
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 1:25 PM   #2
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,044
For your own sanity you need to stop him from coming in and out of your life.

You've spent 6 years years in a relationship with nothing to show for it. No engagement, no marriage, no children. Everything is done on the down low...aren't you fed up and worth more than this?

Is this what you want your life to be? Him progressing with his life... With wife... Kids growing up and you're just there waiting for when he can fit you in.

Aim higher for yourself and think more of yourself, or nobody else will, especially not a man.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 1:33 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 65
Thanks, your reply made me cry - it strikes a chord. I honestly do not even know if I am cut out for, or even want marriage and kids. But I guess that I miss some sort of commitment.
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 1:34 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1,246
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
I better start from the beginning. I have been in an EA and PA for the last almost 6 years with a MM. He has been married 25 years, He ended it 4 months ago, because it was their anniversary and he wanted to do the right thing towards his wife as well as me. We have been back and forth during those months and he keeps contact even if he is very, very guilty. I keep letting him in although I know, I shouldn't... I love him dearly. I miss him and I need him even if my rational mind keeps saying to me this is unhealthy. I obviously cannot keep going on like this, hoping that he will change his mind.

Was it all a lie for all those years? Since he can cut a person off like this or is it genuine guilt? And if so, why did he stay for such a long time with me if he loves his wife?

I have nightmares that he has found somebody else that can give him the attention and excitement that I gave him. I am afraid to let go and yet, I hate that I keep missing Him. Please help with some advice - l am falling apart from all this mess :-(
Welcome to LS.

My advice. Stop thinking about his thoughts, his feelings. They don't matter. Only yours does.

For example, why does it matter how he could be with you for so long if he loves his wife? He was with her the same amount of time, so how could he love you? See? It doesn't matter. He may or may not love his wife. What matters is he chose her.

You are having nightmares he found someone else because you know he is not capable of being faithful. Not to her, not to you.

You are afraid to let go. I understand. I was with my MM for about 6 years too. Its scary to let go of something that has been around for so long. He is a habit.

But every day smokers quit, addicts quit, and you can too. Just because he is a habit does not mean he was good for you. It does not mean you should stay. It just means you spent a lot of time on something you shouldn't have.

He chose her. You need to now chose you. Spend time on something that makes your life better.

Go NC. Complete and total NC. It hurts in the beginning, but if you maintain it you will heal much faster.
eye of the storm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 1:36 PM   #5
Established Member
 
SoleMate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: California
Posts: 4,701
You don't have to want marriage and kids. You just have to want a life lived in the light of day. Not in the shadows.
__________________
Heavily medicated for your safety.
SoleMate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 1:43 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
I better start from the beginning. I have been in an EA and PA for the last almost 6 years with a MM. He has been married 25 years, He ended it 4 months ago, because it was their anniversary and he wanted to do the right thing towards his wife as well as me. We have been back and forth during those months and he keeps contact even if he is very, very guilty. I keep letting him in although I know, I shouldn't... I love him dearly. I miss him and I need him even if my rational mind keeps saying to me this is unhealthy. I obviously cannot keep going on like this, hoping that he will change his mind.

Was it all a lie for all those years? Since he can cut a person off like this or is it genuine guilt? And if so, why did he stay for such a long time with me if he loves his wife?

I have nightmares that he has found somebody else that can give him the attention and excitement that I gave him. I am afraid to let go and yet, I hate that I keep missing Him. Please help with some advice - l am falling apart from all this mess :-(
Okay so right out of the gate here is some questions and I hope to point you to the questions you should be asking of yourself. Let's put the whole being in a relationship with a married man aside for this post and focus on YOU

You say he ended it 4 months ago, right? Is staying in contact off and on whether he is guilty and you allow it during these 4 months, really ending it or just a different gear of the overall fantasy relationship.

It really isn't ending it, he just took and slowed it down and put you in a smaller box. Compartmentalized further in his mind. And you allowed it. Why did you do this?

You say it was because of their anniversary and he wanted to go back into his marriage. Really, you believe that an adulterer woke up on a special day of the calendar and decided since it is Oct 3rd I should become better. I suspect his wife had been confronting him or questioning him and he needed to go underground. (Compartmentalize and put you back in a smaller box). How is this best for you? Or is it a sign he really doesn't care how this affects either his wife or you. Only special snowflake in his life is himself.

You say you miss him and need him. Do you really need him? Or is it the thought of him, the attention from him, the ego and self worth that gets pumped up from him. It won't last when you take any of those away because it isn't real, it is a projection of a real relationship on something built on lies and secrecy. What is empty inside yourself that is being filled by him that causes you to behave and or treat yourself or allow you to be treated this way?

You say you love him dearly, is it the projection of love? What exactly shows you that you love him? You only see what he wants you to see and only experience what he wants you to feel and experience and you fail to hold him accountable to his word and demand actions. You allow yourself to be in that box and don't care how small it is as long as it is his box. How can true love and devotion between a couple be built on half, 1/4, fraction of a partner. Do you fall for a person you only know a fraction of, WHY? Think co dependent issue or fear of abandonment. Look inside to WHY. You deserve to be treated with respect and as a person. You deserve better.

Was it a lie all those years you ask? Yes. Because he only showed you want he wanted and knew you wanted to see. You didn't get the whole story of him or you didn't allow yourself to even look at who this man really is and what he is capable of treating people like. You always saw him as a good guy right? Is he really? He is lying to someone every text, ever call, every moment with you. So what makes you special when he lies to you because he has to do something with his family. Oh yes he has done this I would bet money on it.

You ask why he stayed for so long if he loved his wife. Easy because you allowed it. And he was getting those ego kibbles and props to his self worth and self image each text, call, or moment with you. Why are you trying to see yourself special or compare yourself to his wife and their relationship here? What are you trying to fill inside yourself by this?

He hasn't cut you off, because he hasn't gone pure 100% NC, he just put you in that box and compartmentalized you for now. Because he only cares about how he feels and what is best for him. Is this truly a person you want to be with?

You have nightmares about if he found another person to have an affair with. What says he didn't all along? Prostitutes, tinder, adult sites, bars, whatever the source is. Why again are you trying to be that special snowflake? What causes you to treat yourself this way, what is missing? A real relationship maybe? We learn from our mistakes unless we keep repeating them.

Excitement you gave him you say. At what cost? How do you feel now about yourself and your behavior and overall emotional health. What opportunities for a real relationship have you missed or what years have been wasted on this fantasy drug ego exchanges. What has been your cost for this excitement you gave?

You are a wreak because you allow it and are fine being treated like this because this is all you feel you can get or deserve. Honey you are worth so much better, you deserve to be treated as a human being and a person with feelings. You are making those ups and downs filling and emptying those buckets. Stop. Find out your WHY and what is missing inside.

Have you read Rene Brown gifts of imperfection. Might help finding out what those empty buckets are.
Sampson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 1:51 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 64
Wanted to add;

And yes it was a fantasy relationship. You might have projected it to be real but honestly did you see any of the bad? Only the good I assume.

Like;

When he is sick, tired, or cranky. Or did he just say he was "busy" and you went to that box.

Left the toilet seat up, used all the toothpaste from the top of the tube, refused to clean, forgot to pay bills, talked about bills, left his skid marked underwear out, didn't shower for a day or two. Except I am sure he talked about his grips which you consoled him and helped him. What a pal but dealing with the ins and outs of living together and having a real relationship is much much different.

Think, list, see the fantasy and projections you did. It was a bubble relationship.
Sampson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 1:58 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Thanks, your reply made me cry - it strikes a chord. I honestly do not even know if I am cut out for, or even want marriage and kids. But I guess that I miss some sort of commitment.
You are cut out for it, there is nothing to it. Just have to be in reality and honest. Out of the shadows type thing. And you must find a person who wants the same. And demand such.

You miss commitment because it makes you feel safe, makes you feel loved, makes you feel wanted, and it is easy because you don't have to worry about being alone or unwanted. So you are taking anything you can get and there are guys out there who will help you fill those empty buckets and keep you in a box for their own selfish needs.

There is someone for everyone but if you waste your time being treated like crap because you allow it your going to miss those genuine opportunities to have that real relationship. And all those wonderful genuine years enjoying that relationship.

Find out what you want from life for yourself and what you don't want. Then act.

Becaue boy oh boy you deserve so much better of yourself. You just need to find that switch to say enough is enough today is my day to change my life. And you are either in it or not. You either treat me as a human being with feelings or not. But if your not get OUT!
Sampson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 2:02 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 65
Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 2:09 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.
What about when he cheats on you, because he did that with his wife with you. That part?

P.S. Go out there and make a real man, genuine man, really really happy. And help him with his moles and warts. There out there. You just have been missing the opportunities dealing with 1/1000000 of a man and 1/100000 of a real relationship.

Best wishes.
BTDT2012 and Taxed like this.
Sampson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 2:10 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,986
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
For your own sanity you need to stop him from coming in and out of your life.

You've spent 6 years years in a relationship with nothing to show for it. No engagement, no marriage, no children. Everything is done on the down low...aren't you fed up and worth more than this?

Is this what you want your life to be? Him progressing with his life... With wife... Kids growing up and you're just there waiting for when he can fit you in.

Aim higher for yourself and think more of yourself, or nobody else will, especially not a man.
I wish there was an applause smilie. Do not waste any more time in this kind of "relationship". You deserve far better.
BettyDraper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 2:26 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 65
Everyone so far - I am overwhelmed by your responses and they are very helpful. I have to come to terms with me and my issues here, and why I keep caring so much for him. Maybe those big puppy eyes keep sucking me back but I need to get a firm grasp of realities...
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 2:29 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 349
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.
So did I, so do most OW. But the truth is, he is choosing her. He always did choose her. She's his life partner, warts and all. He may be bored, frustrated, in need of extra support or reassurance, or whatever else is driving this EA, but *she* is his partner. You deserve more than to be placed in a little box that gets opened every time he needs a little boost in his life.
Taxed likes this.
FoundMyStrength is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 2:39 PM   #14
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,044
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Thanks, your reply made me cry - it strikes a chord. I honestly do not even know if I am cut out for, or even want marriage and kids. But I guess that I miss some sort of commitment.
I didn't mean to make you cry Taxed. I just hate to see people wasting their time with selfish cheaters.

You don't have to want kids or marriage, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have a committed partner in your life. One who is faithful to you and won't risk your health by sleeping around.

Life's way too short to be someone's option, while they are your everything.

Don't give him the satisfaction of stroking his ego and having the pleasure of your company. Block and delete every which way and leave him to make a mockery of his marriage.
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2017, 2:40 PM   #15
Established Member
 
cloche's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 60
Welcome to Love Shack, Taxed. You've come to the right place. Many of us have been where you are now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.
Yes, I do believe you would have. Recognize, however, that in all likelihood, he would not.

If I've read your story correctly, you are a single childless woman involved in a long term romantic affair with a married man - one leg of a love triangle, with this charming man at its apex.

In my experience, there is a fundamental asymmetry - of intention, honesty, commitment, and power - that exists between the single AP and the WS in such a triangle. While you appear to speak the same language, drawing from the same lexicon - you love each other; you long to be together; you wish you'd met earlier in life; and so on - these utterances have quite different meanings for the two of you. Suffice it to say that it is a great mistake to assume you understand what he really means when he says he feels for you the same way as you do for him.

Just as an example: for you, I suspect, the words "I love you" imply some sort of promise. For apex-man they do not.

Read just a few of the many sad stories here told by other single people who have found themselves ensnared in similar such long term romantic affairs, or google "love triangle married man" and you will start to see what I mean.

In short: you've dodged a bullet.

Last edited by cloche; 3rd February 2017 at 3:22 PM..
cloche is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My affair is ending......maybe... Burger Chef The Other Man / Woman 30 7th August 2017 11:53 PM
1st day after ending affair ImMiserable The Other Man / Woman 6 9th August 2013 6:15 PM
how do i know if ending its the right thing to do? ummxoxo Breaks and Breaking Up 2 24th September 2009 11:00 AM
ending it the right way-is there such a thing??? newby The Other Man / Woman 10 5th February 2005 8:50 PM
I need help ending an affair! stfrocks The Other Man / Woman 10 23rd June 2004 3:36 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 5:48 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.