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Do Men Suffer As Much


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It's been almost 2.5 years since my affair ended. I am still so hurt and don't want to move on with my life. I know that sounds pathetic, but no one interests me at all. I don't have the time to go into any real detail. Just wondering if men who have cheated/had affair have had it affect them this far down the road. Do they just move on to another woman? I hope this doesn't sound sexist, please forgive me if so. Any personal experiences/insight would be greatly appreciated. I want more than anything to write to him, but I figure he would have reached out if he wanted to. Most of the time, in our affair, it was me pursuing him. I feel like the biggest fool... all around.

 

Thanks all.

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Yes, some of us do. It's been almost 3 years for me too.

 

I wonder if it's perhaps less to do with gender, and more to do with one's role in the affair, and what the affair meant to you.

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I feel like I meant nothing to him. I believe/fear he was able to move on, much easier than I. I fear I will be stuck in this state of mind forever. History tells me that these things pass, but this is a record. The real tragedy is that affairs, and NC mean that I will probably never see him, hear his voice again. And god forbid something happen to him. No one he knows will know who I am or that I exist. No one will let me know... What's more messed up is that if he were to contact me, I'd probably go back. Thanks for the reply.

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It's been almost 2.5 years since my affair ended. I am still so hurt and don't want to move on with my life. I know that sounds pathetic, but no one interests me at all. I don't have the time to go into any real detail. Just wondering if men who have cheated/had affair have had it affect them this far down the road. Do they just move on to another woman? I hope this doesn't sound sexist, please forgive me if so. Any personal experiences/insight would be greatly appreciated. I want more than anything to write to him, but I figure he would have reached out if he wanted to. Most of the time, in our affair, it was me pursuing him. I feel like the biggest fool... all around.

 

Thanks all.

 

Then make yourself stop feeling like a fool and choose to get over the affair and him. Forgive yourself for making a big mistake.

 

You are choosing to hang onto the pain, hang onto the memories. You're suffering and welcoming it. You're not living life and continuing on. Why waste your precious mind, heart and life on someone who isn't missing you and has moved on? You say you pursued him... Please, un pursue him, both mentally and in your heart. It's only you who suffers, not him. Choose to forgive and move on.

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Are you talking about male APs/OM?

 

There may be a rare few here and there that are upset if the A with their MW ends, but the other 95% of OM are simply a little bummed that they are down one booty call off the list.

 

Men don't seek married women for actual in depth relationships or plan futures with them.

 

In the case of single OM, if they pursue a MW it is almost strictly for NSA sex only.

 

Single OM hook up with MW so they don't have to heavy emotional ties or relationships with them.

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Are you talking about male APs/OM?

 

There may be a rare few here and there that are upset if the A with their MW ends, but the other 95% of OM are simply a little bummed that they are down one booty call off the list.

 

Men don't seek married women for actual in depth relationships or plan futures with them.

 

In the case of single OM, if they pursue a MW it is almost strictly for NSA sex only.

 

Single OM hook up with MW so they don't have to heavy emotional ties or relationships with them.

 

I was sort of on my way out of my relationship, and he was in long term relationship w/a woman-not married at the time-at least to my knowledge. I ended my relationship; he didn't. There was an age difference (me 33, he 53). I believe that was a big problem for him, and I certainly understand why-but it doesn't change how I feel, really. I don't normally go for that much older... I like to stay w/in ten years if possible. He told me numerous times that he believed I was the woman he was looking for his whole life... blah blah blah.

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Yes. I agree w/what you have said. I guess when I said I was pursuing, I meant that he didn't seek me out initially. It was a slow build situation... happened over the course of a year of friendly conversations, etc. I don't want anyone to think I'm a bunny-boiler! Believe me, I gave him LOTS of space and he gave me lots of BS about how he was leaving... :0 :) Thanks for the message... I need to hear these things on days like this.

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eye of the storm

esperanzado, After 2.5 years, you are stuck. You need to find out why. Go talk to someone. Therapy can help you find out why you refuse to let go of this.

 

It is hard moving forward when you refuse to let go of so much baggage that is holding you back.

 

Like anything (including an A) holding on and refusing to move on is a choice. You are choosing to wallow in this.

 

Let go. Heal. Move on.

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esperanzado, After 2.5 years, you are stuck. You need to find out why. Go talk to someone. Therapy can help you find out why you refuse to let go of this.

 

It is hard moving forward when you refuse to let go of so much baggage that is holding you back.

 

Like anything (including an A) holding on and refusing to move on is a choice. You are choosing to wallow in this.

 

Let go. Heal. Move on.

 

You are so right. "Pity party for one, your table is now ready! Pity party for one..." :)

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eye of the storm

Its ok to feel bad. Its ok to grieve. It is not ok to stop living your life because you become trapped in the past.

 

A pity party, like any other party has a time frame.

 

Forgive yourself.

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I can tell you only of how my husband was.

The second I found out she was history. One phone call to cut her off and that was it.

She called a year later from someone else's phone (her #was blocked)and said I miss you, do you miss me? He said no and hung up and immediately called to let me know.

She meant nothing to him and I actually felt a little sorry for her.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, just to let you know you are hanging on to nothing.

You deserve better.

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gettingstronger

I doubt its gender specific- I think everyone has their reasons on why/how they get over it-

 

I am a BS and we are 4 years from DDAY- my husband is not over how he acted, what he did, etc... he is taking it harder in some ways than I am at this point-I see him as someone that cheated, he sees himself as a cheater-

 

I guess, to me, its what you hang on to and how it affected you that keeps you stuck-

 

I would suggest to you what I suggested to him-therapy and lots of it-time does heal, but therapy helps a lot-

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If you really meant nothing to him then why are you wasting mental and emotional energy on him still? He's nothing. Don't waste your energy

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I was sort of on my way out of my relationship, and he was in long term relationship w/a woman-not married at the time-at least to my knowledge. I ended my relationship; he didn't. There was an age difference (me 33, he 53). I believe that was a big problem for him, and I certainly understand why-but it doesn't change how I feel, really. I don't normally go for that much older... I like to stay w/in ten years if possible. He told me numerous times that he believed I was the woman he was looking for his whole life... blah blah blah.

 

Do you mind me asking why, if he wasn't married, did he stay with the girlfriend? Do they have kids?

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I feel like I meant nothing to him. I believe/fear he was able to move on, much easier than I. I fear I will be stuck in this state of mind forever. History tells me that these things pass, but this is a record. The real tragedy is that affairs, and NC mean that I will probably never see him, hear his voice again. And god forbid something happen to him. No one he knows will know who I am or that I exist. No one will let me know... What's more messed up is that if he were to contact me, I'd probably go back. Thanks for the reply.

I do not meant to sound harsh... SO WHAT if you never see him, hear him or something happens to him????

 

I had all those thoughts once and now a don't give a toss. It doesn't change a thing. If he died and I didn't know I wouldn't care.

 

I hope you can get to where I am one day.

 

BTW 10 months ago I would not have written all that because I was still where you are. I think you seriously need some professional help to get yourself "unstuck". You are in ground hog day.

 

Poppy.

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This feeling, I get it too. How could he just move on?. Why doesnt he care about what i am going thru?. I dont want him back. But this thought does pop up ,if I was even anything at all for him.

 

It hurts that he just carried on, like nothing happened. Well, its a blessing in disguise. On top of the fact that I was dishonest ( which hurts A LOT), now i am dealing with ' dishonest with a man who coukdnt care less'... a fool all around too.

Edited by freengreen
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I can tell you only of how my husband was.

The second I found out she was history. One phone call to cut her off and that was it.

She called a year later from someone else's phone (her #was blocked)and said I miss you, do you miss me? He said no and hung up and immediately called to let me know.

She meant nothing to him and I actually felt a little sorry for her.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, just to let you know you are hanging on to nothing.

You deserve better.

 

This doesn't mean anything bc a lot of factors go into someone staying in their marriage & going no contact...they did a poll of married men & their wives & asked had the H loved & or had a woman in their life that was "one that got away" then they asked the wives the same question. 100% of the wives said no, their H never loved another woman, the H answers were completely different, more than half answered yes, they had loved someone else & often wondered about them....men usually aren't willing to give up what they've worked for in marriage & do love their wives, kids & especially their financial security.

 

 

OP, you're never going to have the answer you're looking for...even if love & caring for you exist, it doesn't matter bc he already had a established life with obligations. Love doesn't equal that we belong with someone. There's people that have loved each other & never even touched. You may always have a soft spot for him & that's ok but don't stop your life bc of it.

 

People make love out to be black & white..."if this person really loved you, they would have done this or that"...it's just not always true, especially when it comes to A. We are all capable of loving more than one person in different ways but it only becomes truly unhealthy when you can no longer function bc of it. Good luck to you

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This feeling, I get it too. How could he just move on?. Why doesnt he care about what i am going thru?. I dont want him back. But this thought does pop up ,if I was even anything at all for him.

 

It hurts that he just carried on, like nothing happened. Well, its a blessing in disguise. On top of the fact that I was dishonest ( which hurts A LOT), now i am dealing with ' dishonest with a man who coukdnt care less'... a fool all around too.

 

That's not heart pain, that's ego. Heart pain, you just want to grieve and get through it, ego makes you think and your mind plays tricks. I've seen this on LS so many times, why hasn't he broken NC, though I really don't want to hear from him, he still hasn't tried to contact me... Ego.

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It's been almost 2.5 years since my affair ended. I am still so hurt and don't want to move on with my life. I know that sounds pathetic, but no one interests me at all.
For some people, depending on their emotional attachment style, this kind of reaction isn't uncommon. You're mourning an unresolved death of your attachment. If you'd had none, then there would be none to mourn or resolve. Since the relationship was never complete, if you are normally a monogamous person, you're resolving the end of a relationship which was outside your usual style and experience, both with the relationship and the manner in which it ended

 

Just wondering if men who have cheated/had affair have had it affect them this far down the road. Do they just move on to another woman?
Sure, and one thing I noticed is that unresolved attachments when young were much harder to resolve than those as I grew older. Life experience provided tools. At a young age, NC, long before the internet and the phrase was widely known, helped a lot but still was not a complete resolution. Ultimate resolution would come from being married and getting therapy, along with the usual lessons of life. Now MW's are what they are; a few women of billions. Unremarkable. No more pedestals.
I want more than anything to write to him, but I figure he would have reached out if he wanted to
Sure, normal. Guys can feel that way too but most don't get substantially attached to affair partners because, in general, men don't get as easily attached and are more circumspect about deals that aren't their primary, real or prospective, relationship.
Most of the time, in our affair, it was me pursuing him. I feel like the biggest fool... all around.
Yep, old adage of whoever cares the least has the most power and control. As a man, I'm used to pursuing *any* woman, whether that was single women or married women or women in LTR's. They never came to me. Do nothing, get nothing. Overt action was necessary. If that doesn't mirror your experience, then your pursuit of the person was outside your normal experience and also IMO contributes to the difficulty with resolving this.

 

In the case of my youngest and most long lived interaction increase your time factor by a magnitude and you'll have my sample time. Think a generation. I can chuckle about it now but talk about an enormous waste of life. I'd opine there were others related to that pedestal thing but that's another issue and thread.

 

Good luck with your healing!

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Well, my MM used to put it like this. Men can compartmentslize better than women and can look back with fond memories and be ok, while women are like spaghett where their feeling are all mixed in. I take that to mean men move on just fine, although I am sure some do hurt as we do.

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Some do, while others don't.

 

My exMM varies with his degrees of suffering. There will be times where he will feel like he's having a heart attack with a mental breakdown and then there are times where he is hard nosed and couldn't care less like this most recent falling out we had.

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FoundMyStrength

My xMM was quite sad and upset when he went back to his hometown and wife. It seemed like he missed me a lot, and there were a lot of things that triggered memories of me and our time together, but he recognized that he was now back home and had to focus on that.

 

When I went no contact, including no friendship, he seemed irritated. He tried to hide it, but I got the distinct sense that he was upset at me, as though I had taken a toy away from him and he didn't understand why. Which stood in stark contrast to what he had always told me, which is that he would willingly step away if I was in too much pain.

 

I think they are just confused. They do suffer, but they can compartmentalize. Whereas he sneaks into my thoughts every day, I doubt it is the same for him. Maybe every now and then, something triggers a memory. But otherwise, I imagine he is okay. He never told his wife, so I imagine it is much the same as before he met me, with some added guilt.

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This doesn't mean anything bc a lot of factors go into someone staying in their marriage & going no contact...they did a poll of married men & their wives & asked had the H loved & or had a woman in their life that was "one that got away" then they asked the wives the same question. 100% of the wives said no, their H never loved another woman, the H answers were completely different, more than half answered yes, they had loved someone else & often wondered about them....men usually aren't willing to give up what they've worked for in marriage & do love their wives, kids & especially their financial security.

 

 

OP, you're never going to have the answer you're looking for...even if love & caring for you exist, it doesn't matter bc he already had a established life with obligations. Love doesn't equal that we belong with someone. There's people that have loved each other & never even touched. You may always have a soft spot for him & that's ok but don't stop your life bc of it.

 

People make love out to be black & white..."if this person really loved you, they would have done this or that"...it's just not always true, especially when it comes to A. We are all capable of loving more than one person in different ways but it only becomes truly unhealthy when you can no longer function bc of it. Good luck to you

 

No it becomes unhealthy when you force an unknowing spouse to live with your unliteral decision to be in a one sided open marriage.

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Listen, I suspect that most mm care for the ow/mw on some lvl. I agree with the idea that no matter the gender it can be painful to end.

 

However.......Men are simply wired differently and tend to get into relationship outside of the primary one for one particular reason...Most often sex, but sometimes shots of ego boosting. Rarely is it emotional. So in general, no men don't struggle as much with affairs ending because they no get as emotionally attached.

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OP, TBH, and I've been here for a scarily nearly nine years and working for nearly five, there are very few men who post here about their experiences as MM or OM. I'm one of the few who's stuck around. It's a tough world out there and, in general, men are tough and don't post feelings on bulletin boards. Some of us have a more emotional side so affairs in those instances can be more like what you're experiencing.

 

If your guy was a typical guy, typical married guy, typical married guy who has affairs, you're in, as one member mentioned, a nice tidy box, carefully arranged not to touch any other boxes, in his compartmentalized mind. That's how he does tough guy stuff and coos to his baby and kisses his wife and whispers sweet nothings in the ear of his mistress. It's how men, generally, are, psychologically, whether they participate in affairs or not. They don't ball it all up into one massive electrochemical processor. It's discrete. Men suffer, sure, but generally in ways very different to how you likely experience suffering. Personally, I like your way better. Get it out there and work it. Don't stuff, don't suppress, don't shift, don't ignore or rationalize. Accept it, feel it, work it.

 

If you had to ask me who I miss and suffer about, it isn't my exW or any former affair partner, rather my wife's best friend who died, years after we divorced. Luckily, as she was a dear friend of mine as well, I was able to tell her I loved her before she died, as that dear friend. That's an example of how men can suffer. It's those private moments in the dark. Sound familiar?

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