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40-year rewind...really! [UPDATE: Broke NC After 8 Months]


RewindRomancer

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RewindRomancer

Hi Ladies, (Happy New Year...New Answers, New behaviors!)

 

I've fallen into an EA (borderline PA) with my former college boyfriend. We've been in and out of each other's lives since we first met on the beach during spring break my senior year in HS. We wound up at the same university and dated on and off for 3 years. He was a few years ahead of me in school.

 

I was a brand new college freshman when I moved to his city - cute, former HS cheerleader, sorority girl. He was my date for numerous sorority parties but, as he says, I was "enthralled with the frat boys" and could never commit to him. He's right.

 

MM was obsessed with me in college....he was sweet, giving, patient, and kind. I changed colleges, but that didn't stop his pursuit of me. He literally chased me through three states over three years. I adored him but I was simply too young to be tied down. He finally gave up and got a real girlfriend, and graduated, and became a MAN.

 

I traveled to his city one weekend (I had since transferred colleges but often returned to his town to visit family who lived nearby). MM - still single at the time - came over to my cousin's home to see me. He now had a powerful career. Suddenly he was all bulked up with a deep voice and a commanding presence and a confidence I had never seen before. I realized (too late) that I really *DID* love him and I was finally ready to commit. He stayed the night and we made love for the first time (we'd fooled around before but I had always kept things in the friend zone). I FELL IN LOVE.

 

But, by then, the girlfriend had become serious.

 

Then I became the pursuer. I aggressively tried to change his mind and win him back. I wrote him a long letter telling him how sorry I was for not choosing him before. I poured out my heart , told him I loved him, and asked him for another chance. He continued to see me but he did not give up the girlfriend.

 

I'm determined when I set a goal for myself, and he became my goal. He didn't resist my over-the-top advances. Once I borrowed my parents' convertible sports car and drove three states away to surprise him at work . I actually ended up driving to his job site with a police escort. ***SURPRISE***!!

 

I had gotten lost and was driving erratically , trying to find his job, and the cops thought I was drunk. I wasn't. But red sports cars and cute girls draw attention. When I told them where I was going, they simply escorted me to him....with the lights on! (I wish I was lying).

 

When we pulled up to his workplace and he came outside, he was....shocked. But he had a smirk on his face that said, "You're crazy girl, but I like it!" He told me this past summer that was ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF HIS LIFE.

 

I know he loved me. But by then he didn't trust me. I'd hurt him too much. He was willing to sleep with me and have fun with me, but after all those years of rejection he didn't trust me. He chose the sure thing, the safe thing....and a big church wedding.

 

I was at his bachelor party the night before his wedding (because I'm fun like that). We had long since moved things back into the friend zone. As soon as they got engaged, I quit sleeping with him. But we ran in the same circles and had long-time friends in common, so I was a wedding guest.

 

We had a blast at the party. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happened between us - not even a hug. But he told me this past summer that he wished that entire night that I would just whisk him away, run away, leave his bride, bail on the wedding. I didn't know that at the time, not until almost 40 years later. It doesn't matter really. I would never do something like that to some poor girl anyway.

 

We were star-crossed lovers. Never got the timing right.

 

I stayed in contact for a few more years, went with friends to visit him once and met his toddlers. Felt sad that those children weren't mine. Finally let go, and eventually married myself. We lost contact while we raised our families. But I kept updated on him during that time through my family.

 

Then, 7 years ago, he friended me on FB. His first marriage hadn't worked out and he had remarried again late in life. We spent the next few years trading "likes" and occasionally chatting about generalities and our families. Then, a year ago, I filed for divorce after a 23 year marriage. I posted it on FB. And suddenly, there he was again....chasing me.

 

omg...that man chased me.

 

He said his marriage was collapsing. She'd had an affair on him. He moved out. They went through marriage counseling. They reconciled. It was a disaster.

 

She told him: "I don't love you anymore. I just consider you a business partner." *YES* she did say that! They are pushing retirement age and the finances at stake are enormous. She is not a stupid woman. At. All. And she knows exactly how long she needs to stay married to collect his generous retirement benefits. (Not long at all now).

 

They sleep in separate rooms (100% verified by video chat). They do not have sex. (100% the reason their marriage is over - he has ED and she takes it personally. Also 100% verified by me in person - enough said ). They have absolutely no children or grandchildren in common - no reason to "keep the family together." I'm telling everyone here, that marriage is over.

 

I am the EXIT AFFAIR. I know this. The question is, will I get to stay in his life? I've been lurking here for months. I've learned so much about the relationship dynamics of affairs. You ladies have opened my eyes! Whether MM ends up with me or not, he is so OUT of his marriage. He's been trying to keep his retirement intact, and tough it out in the marriage until they were both financially stable. But apparently things have gotten so grim at home that he's willing to take a financial hit to leave her and be happy. (Completely apart and separate from me). He's moved out before - more than once I've discovered.

 

MM contacted me in November to make sure I had downloaded an app for a video chat he'd been bugging me to get. He said he needed to talk to me face-to-face. We live several states apart, but I have flown to see him a couple of times in the last 6 months - my cousin lives 5 minutes away from MM, so I stay with her.

 

So we video chatted one night. After a few minutes of small talk, he got really serious and kind of took a deep breath, and said he had told his wife he wanted a divorce. He said she was "relieved" (her words)."

 

 

He's already started splitting financial assets - told me specifically what accounts he's divided. He told me "this was it" and that he "could move out tomorrow or in 30 days" but it was over. He asked me to respect the process and reminded me of my divorce (finalized last month) and the mess I'd had to untangle and how long it took . He was actively looking (even had a job offer!) for a transfer to a site near me. We discussed finances and strategies for landing the best position. He said as soon as he transferred then we would be "officially dating."

 

We talked and joked for a while, and things ended on an upbeat note. He opened all of his social media accounts to me. Totally. We exchanged a flurry of texts for the next couple of days. I was giddy.

 

And then things got quiet.

 

I'm experiencing that whole push/pull thing you guys talk about so much (he is a master at it).

 

We exchanged brief birthday wishes to each other on FB that same week. His PM hinted that he was depressed and drunk about his milestone birthday. Other than those brief messages, he has completely "ghosted" me. I saw on social media that he flew cross-country a couple of times in December for business .

 

For his Christmas present, I sent him about 2 dozen pics from our 20's - partying, dating, goofing, loving. He was really, really anticipating this gift as I had already sent him one funny-raunchy teaser. He lost most of his pictures during his first divorce, and I was even able to replace valuable pics such as his original college graduation picture. I know he got the photos when they went through because it was confirmed. He did not send me so much as a "thumbs up" (which he will often use to reply to a text when his wife is sitting in the room). Two days later, he posted some of the old beach pictures of him driving *MY* sports car on social media...none with me in them and not attributed/tagged to me.

 

He sent me bunches of virtual roses at Christmas - no text - but never answered again when I said, "Thank You." It's been dead total silence since then. I drunk texted him on New Year's Eve and told him how much I've always loved and wanted him, but that I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't take the ghosting, the silence with no explanation. I told him to text me or call my cell whenever he took off his ring, officially filed for divorce, or moved out for good (he's left her several times, but always returns - a very toxic relationship).

 

I sent one more text last week telling him about a major career accomplishment of my son's. They are in the same field and he has been a mentor as my son has risen in his career. (And it was a HUGE big deal that normally would have gotten an immediate response from MM). Then I ghosted him and blocked him on all social media and removed his contact information from my phone.

 

I left my cell open to receive a call from him, just because I would love to confront him about the future faking in our video chat and the subsequent, inexplicable ghosting. I think a 40-year relationship deserves an explanation.

 

I'm so attracted to him, I can hardly function. I'd give anything for a rewind. I want him. Forever. I want to ride on his Harley into a beach sunset and live happily ever after. (He's got the bike. I've got the beach).

 

I have initiated my own personal NC with MM because I don't want to be anywhere near the fall-out with his wife. I am not part of that equation. Their marriage crashed long before I came on the scene. He is an obviously conflicted man. We have an understanding that he will contact me once he moves out. However I do understand, at this point, that may be never.

 

What are my chances?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed code caused by cut and pasting, let's not do that again
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Your chances are 100% that you're going to waste a big chunk of your life and still end up without him but very much hurt and depressed.

 

Let him go. It's done.

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He got cold feet or his wife found out or both.

I guess he is "reconciling" atm. She has probably locked down all his communications.

 

Apart from the very outset, YOU were always on the outside, you were the OW, the fun woman to sleep with, the fling, the fwb, but when the chips are down he chooses the safe bet and I guess that is what he has done again.

I am not surprised he jumped at the chance of seeing you when you posted the end of your 23yo marriage on FB, lots of MM go trawling the internet looking for vulnerable old flames to re visit.

"I have always loved you"

Hmmm?

 

I think you are wasting your time here.

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somanymistakes

I am so sorry (and I hope I'm not looking at my future, since some of this sounds a bit like me, except not as many years down the road - I screwed things up with my college boyfriend because I wasn't ready to commit)

 

Best case scenario, something big happened in his life that has upset him and made him feel guilty about interacting with you. Maybe his wife is ill, or one of the kids is in trouble, or he's discovered that he actually has to stay married for financial reasons.

 

Worst case scenario, he just loves making you dance to his tune but is turned off because you're too easy/desperate, and now that you've fed his ego sufficiently he's not interested unless and until you find someone else.

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RewindRomancer

You ladies have hit on some of my deepest fears over the years. He has signs of narcissism, and I've often wondered if some of this was a game to "get me back" for all those early years of rejection???

 

 

And you are right, I've gotten too needy. He is a strong pursuer when I am at my most remote.

 

 

God, you all are right. It's over. But it never really is. He comes at me all different kinds of ways.

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What_Did_I_Do

They certainly pour it on thick when the OW starts walking away from them.

 

He's not leaving OP. Save yourself the heartache and find a single Harley man.

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traveled to his city one weekend (I had since transferred colleges but often returned to his town to visit family who lived nearby). MM - still single at the time - came over to my cousin's home to see me. He now had a powerful career. Suddenly he was all bulked up with a deep voice and a commanding presence and a confidence I had never seen before. I realized (too late) that I really *DID* love him and I was finally ready to commit. He stayed the night and we made love for the first time (we'd fooled around before but I had always kept things in the friend zone). I FELL IN LOVE.

 

I think the above may be at least part of the reason he's never seriously considered you as a real committed partner. You didn't really love him for who he was, you fell in love only when his image improved and there was some competition for him. Not defending him or saying his actions are right, just saying this might be some of his reasoning or his thoughts.

 

Try to put things in perspective without over romanticizing everything. First of all you haven't had a 40 year relationship with him. First of all it sounds like he was completely out of your life for the majority of your own 23yr marriage and secondly most of the years that you have been in contact you have been sort of on the outside of his real day to day life. I notice you talk about his marriage like you know every detail of it, but you don't really, because you are not in it. You only know what he tells you and since cheaters lie, it's best to take what they say with a grain of salt and instead focus on their actions.

 

You say he is so OUT of his marriage but saying a marriage is over doesn't make it so. That's just talk. I have lots of friends who over the years, at various times, tell me emphatically that they were done with their marriage and it was OVER! Only one of those friends actually backed up her words and got divorced. The rest of them are all still married many years later. Actions are where you look for the truth.

 

I'm guessing your around the same age as me, maybe a bit older. Basically in the last third of your life. Death has taken a lot of my family away from me over the past decade and now that I'm in my early fifties I will not waste my time, my emotions, or my life on anyone or anything that is not good and healthy for me. Over the past five years I've quit smoking, learned to eat healthy, started wearing sunscreen, and most importantly, sworn myself off dysfunctional, high drama relationships that leave me broken and consumed with hurt and unhappiness. My life and my happiness are too precious to me to allow anyone to take away from me. Don't waste anymore time on this person, look elsewhere for happiness and fulfillment.

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RewindRomancer

Anika, I think you are right about most of what you say. And I am obsessed with him now because of WHO and WHAT he's become in his career today. There's just this visceral attraction.

 

And he's mentioned before how well I've aged compared to him, and I think that makes him feel insecure (although his wife is attractive, too). I'm still a cute, bubbly, tan little thing who lives steps from the beach. He hasn't aged well and he has some permanent injuries from early in his career so he couldn't be as active as me if he moves to my beach.

 

I really still look the same. He did a side-by-side pic of me, then and now...Not much has changed. I'm still his dream girl. Lol.

 

His entire life, as long as I've known him, he's said he wants to move to the beach to retire...Well, here I am! (Waves). The very last thing he said at the end of our video chat was, "Upgrade to a 2-bedroom apartment." And then he ghosted me a week later. wth?

 

I don't believe he was lying or playing me (although I believe he is now).

 

Yes, I know some things about MMs BS. I've heard a couple of her rants! (Shivers) I am so much sweeter and nicer than that. Siiiiiiigh.

 

At this point, I just want answers but I'll never get them. (Until the next big fight with the wife and he comes running).

 

I know it's illogical but I keep hoping he'll just call or show up one day - free- retired-and ready to ride.

 

But that was all just a fantasy and I've been future-faked, right?

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The relationship would be more accurately described as occasional hook-ups over a 40 year period. I think he simply decided the benefit didn't outweigh the risk.

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Regardless of whether he reappears - men can disappear down a rabbit hole under stress - he's presenting you with a clear template for how you can expect your future emotional needs to be met. ie. rather poorly. The lesson most of us take the longest to learn is to believe people when they show us who they are. In my experience and observation those who burn the hottest in pursuit are the ones who actually struggle the most with selfless reciprocal emotional intimacy over time. You think you're making joyful mutual plans for the future but in the end perhaps you've just fulfilled an intense, and yes - real - but ultimately temporary need.

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eye of the storm

RR, you can't believe you know about the BS based on a couple of rants you overheard.

 

I am normally a calm rational person. But when I found out my xH was cheating on me some of my rants were...unhinged. Also, this is a guy that has no problems cheating on his W. You have no clue about the dynamic in that house. She may just be reacting to his treatment.

 

You are painting this into some long lived romance. It isn't.

 

I know it is tough to move past something you have spent so much time and energy on.

 

Life isn't a fantasy. And even though it sucks sometimes, Im glad.

 

You can't touch a fantasy. You can't live in a fantasy. If you try, reality will always be trying to intrude. And eventually, it will. Then what do you have? Nothing.

 

Go buy your own Harley!

 

You live at the beach, write him a goodbye letter on rice paper and then at sunset put it in the water and let the waves take him away.

 

You have a good life. Spend more time enjoying what you do have and less agonizing over what you don't.

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RewindRomancer

Eye, you are right. I've spent the last few mornings at the beach crying and trying to let go. I love your idea of goodbye letter. I am trying to enjoy all I have and good health is one of those things. Tomorrow I'm joining a Zumba dance class! Ha. Gotta get OVER this man! ?

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Sounds to me you have too good a life to squander on a loser like your MM.

Would you really like to set up house with him You have a lot to lose.

 

Appearance and health are obviously important values in your life. Sounds like he doesn't even make the grade there.

 

Nah.. go and find yourself a good looking young man who is free and will not give you grief.

 

Poppy.

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RewindRomancer

I did go out with a much younger guy before this thing really got started. It was mindless fun. Good idea....

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You still look the same as 40 years ago?

You are still the same after all this time?

Maybe that's part of his concern. Life should change people. Shape them, we should grow and mature and although it's hard to believe it hasn't changed you in 40 years, if you really haven't grown maybe the same things that pulled you apart back then will again.

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RewindRomancer

That's the thing....I am thrilled to look and act the same as I did in my 20's! I've recently recovered from the horror of a 20-year abusive marriage. My ex was a narcissist who developed a drug addiction. The state took his medical license

We lost everything.... House, cars, phones, retirement, all insurance, health.... everything.

 

It took me two solid years to rebuild. I'm happy now (and it shows). When MM swooped to the forefront of my life a year ago, it was like re-living my youth again - before all the horrible things happened in my life.

 

It felt like God was giving me a do-over....

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RewindRomancer

And I know. I've heard it before....

 

 

God will never answer your prayers with someone else's husband!

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gettingstronger

You have a huge ego and that may have scared him away. Better to find a less complicated relationship. Cut your losses and move on.

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RewindRomancer

Zing. I probably have that "big ego" comment coming.

 

 

There's a huge, whole part of this story that I'm not telling - the years of utter devastation and loss that came from marriage to a true sociopath. I was lucky to get out alive. I had NO self-esteem/ego then.

 

 

I've crawled out of that horrible marriage and have had to rebuild my life completely. I was one step away from homelessness for two years. I had no car when I first escaped. I WALKED for an entire summer (but that's easy to do at the beach). I got exercise, a tan, and I lost weight. The sunshine lifted my depression, and the ocean soothed my soul....and I healed. And I felt like *ME* again.

 

 

MM noticed. And he started the chase again. I was just happy enough to believe that I could find true love late in life. Of course I see now he was just playing me, stroking his own ego, reliving the Glory Days.

 

 

I've truly been in the "affair fog" this past year. Amazing where our minds take us when we allow it. I've been living in a beautiful fantasy world but it's time to come down to Earth.

 

 

I know he's not coming back again. No bad*ss Harley is gonna pull up to my front door carrying the man of my dreams, right? That's reality. And the other reality is that, apparently, he still belongs to someone else.

 

 

I'm OK with that. But it still hurts. And I'll miss him forever.

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What_Did_I_Do

No, *his* badass Harley won't be pulling up to your place with divorce papers securely fastened in the side bags, but maybe one that belongs to a great single guy will - if you free xMM from your heart so you can move on to find this new man.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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RewindRomancer

3 months of silence and he's baaaaack. (No surprise there (they always come back). But this time he left her for good and divorce papers are filed).

 

I'm stunned. He's a mess. BS is on the warpath (she's not much of a BS, though, he caught her in her umpteenth affair).

 

So much to tell everyone but can't talk now. This is for real. Best advice please?

 

RR ?

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That's the thing....I am thrilled to look and act the same as I did in my 20's! I've recently recovered from the horror of a 20-year abusive marriage. My ex was a narcissist who developed a drug addiction. The state took his medical license

We lost everything.... House, cars, phones, retirement, all insurance, health.... everything.

 

It took me two solid years to rebuild. I'm happy now (and it shows). When MM swooped to the forefront of my life a year ago, it was like re-living my youth again - before all the horrible things happened in my life.

 

It felt like God was giving me a do-over....

 

Lol God did give you a do-over and you're screwing it up. You're going down the same path of destruction you just recovered from, it just has a different face. Stop being proud of acting like a 20 year old. 20 year olds brains aren't fully developed and they have poor impulse control and sometimes can't see the consequences of their actions until it's too late.

 

Start acting like the 40ish year old whose been thru hell and came out smarter and wiser.

 

You may not get a third chance

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somanymistakes
3 months of silence and he's baaaaack. (No surprise there (they always come back). But this time he left her for good and divorce papers are filed).

 

I'm stunned. He's a mess. BS is on the warpath (she's not much of a BS, though, he caught her in her umpteenth affair).

 

So much to tell everyone but can't talk now. This is for real. Best advice please?

 

RR ?

 

Do you really want him?

 

At a guess, the only way you're going to be able to have him and keep him is if you keep yourself on a leash and don't let yourself get too excited - make him come to you. Don't let him think you're the unshakeable fallback, or he may well use you as a resting place while seeking out ANOTHER new partner. Don't be mean for no reason, but make him work for it.

 

But is it worth it? Only you know that. None of us do, no matter how wise we may sound.

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