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Stay or Leave [UPDATE: I called his wife]


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 17th February 2017, 8:56 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by ice3784 View Post
Yes. You are right. We both moved to a new city and lived together. The wife is 3 hours flight apart. He told me he wants to be with me and he loves me. The only reason he needs to be with her is to protect the kids...
Oldest line in the book. He is where he wants to be and with who he wants to be with. Please take time to do a lot of self-reflection. Figure out why you value yourself so little. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your story is very sad and you need to treat yourself better than you are now. Until that time, you will continue to be treated like a doormat because for some reason, deep inside, you think this is the type of "love" you deserve. This guy doesn't love anyone except himself.
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Old 19th February 2017, 12:07 PM   #47
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Hello everyone...my story is a bit complicated. Its an affair with my colleague. We are both married. And affair was in full bloom. And in the end. We kindof purposely let both our spouse know about this.

His wife leave him. And i leave my husband. We were together for real. He brings me in and stay with his family. Met his parents and siblings. Non of us got divorced yet..we just separated from both of our spouse since then and our affair seems to be accepted...after a year staying together..we both decided to quit our job and move to another city...life is great.

All friends and new colleagues identify us as husband and wife. Occasionally we back hometown to visit our family on our own. Fast forward 3rd year...his wife suddenly wanted a divorce. He panicked and want to kept her. I understand. It was for the sake of his children. But in a quick time. Suddenly he run out of love for me. He quickly changed and wanted privacy from me.

He was texting with her and calling her every day and night, trying to convince her back that he wanted the family and lied to her that we are no more together. I felt crushed. Everything shattered. I dont know should i stay or leave. Everytime i talk with him. He would say he love me. He said he still love me. He said life isnt the same without me. He wanted to stil be with me.

He is a very passive guy. When she ran away. He didnt chase her back. When she wanted to come back. He didnt do much either. I scared i made the wrong decision. I still in love with him. And we both move into this city with a hope. To rebuild our life together...
Personally I'd say leave. Sounds like Karmas caught up to you. A lot of time they say A's don't last simply because there's so many lies and so much deception during the A.
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Old 19th February 2017, 12:09 PM   #48
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Why don't you re-read that part where He keeps his conversations with her private so he won't hurt you. SMH.

if your daughter came to you with the story, what would you tell her?

You invested a lot in this relationship. Not him. Yes he left his wife, but wanted to get back with her as soon as possible. He knows you're expandable. You'll always come back.

"Many a false step was made by standing still."
Exactly! Well put! When someone is chasing the other that makes it so unattractive.
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Old 19th February 2017, 1:16 PM   #49
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Am I reading this correctly? Did YOU leave your baby/toddler to be with him? Where does your child live? Why has he only met her once if you live together?

OMG! It sounds like you have given EVERYTHING for a passive man who gives you nothing but heartache!!

PLEASE WAKE-UP!!
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Old 19th February 2017, 9:09 PM   #50
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Am I reading this correctly? Did YOU leave your baby/toddler to be with him? Where does your child live? Why has he only met her once if you live together?

OMG! It sounds like you have given EVERYTHING for a passive man who gives you nothing but heartache!!

PLEASE WAKE-UP!!
my daughter are staying with my parents...
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Old 19th February 2017, 9:11 PM   #51
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Exactly! Well put! When someone is chasing the other that makes it so unattractive.
yes, i understand. but he is just a type of guy that if you leave he wont chase you back. thats what happened to his wife. she left him and took all the children. he didnt chase her back too. and now she has to return on her own. i'm scared if i leave he would just let me leave too. i just don't want to make the same mistake. i feel like i still want to be with him...
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Old 20th February 2017, 12:36 PM   #52
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yes, i understand. but he is just a type of guy that if you leave he wont chase you back. thats what happened to his wife. she left him and took all the children. he didnt chase her back too. and now she has to return on her own. i'm scared if i leave he would just let me leave too. i just don't want to make the same mistake. i feel like i still want to be with him...
Maybe he didn't 'chase her back' when she left with the children, but he certainly chased her back when she filed for divorce. You must accept the fact that you blew up your life to be with him, but he is unwilling to do the same for you.
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Old 7th March 2017, 11:27 PM   #53
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Update : I called his wife

Finally, i called his wife. I dont know why. My desire to call her was so strong i finally dial the number. i know im taking a huge risk of losing my MM. i dont care. I had feelings too. She keep bugging me for the past 2 weeks, since Valentine, she send me her holiday pictures with my MM, braging to me telling me that, she has won his heart back, tell me to back off. I keep quite during that time. She keep on attacking me. Stalking my instagram, FB and posting comments to curse me. I keep quite and deleted her comments. but yesterday, i cant stand it anymore. i had to stand up for myself. I told my MM before that she is recently keep hurting me to brag about my MM are getting back with her. He said he is sorry, he have to protect his lies, for the sake of the children, he cant do anything to stand for me, he has to pretend he dont know anything, as he told her that we are no longer together.
I didnt tell her much, during the phone call, i just tell her dont disturb me, i dont want to know about your life and do not threaten me on my media !
Not long after that, MM called me, and ended up blaming me on his family chaos. He said she is threatening her again with the children. He said he will move out, he dont want to choose either me or her, he will live on his own.
I was so upset i said so be it. Move out and go.
Im now in delusion.
Part of me feel like this is the time to let everything shattered.
But last night we were sleeping together.
Not much words, just drink, sex and sleep.
I really confuse.
I hate the situation now...
Am i the one who ruin the calmness of the affair by calling the wife ?
She said they are reconciling - becos MM beg her back.
It hurt me, i left my family for him. And behind me, he chases her back.
I really need people who can see this from outside the box.
Im so so confuse, hurt, disappointment...ah...words cant explain
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Old 8th March 2017, 9:22 AM   #54
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Couple posts above you mentioned how he's a guy who is passive and will not chase. Wrong. He will not chase after you. You are his sometimes.

Face it, you got thrown under the bus. It will happen again, again, and again.

Time to gain some self esteem and go NC. Are you that afraid to be alone that you put your kids wellbeing in jeopardy.

Last edited by BuddyX; 8th March 2017 at 9:31 AM.. Reason: Grammar
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Old 8th March 2017, 11:07 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by ice3784 View Post
Yes..looks likely i will become the other woman again..if they are together again. It feels so weird. How would the other family member perceive me...they already know me. He told me he have to do this for the sake of the children. He lied to her and flatter her with loving text...
What did he lie to her about?
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Old 8th March 2017, 12:00 PM   #56
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I really need people who can see this from outside the box.
Im so so confuse, hurt, disappointment...ah...words cant explain
I think you need people who can see things objectively, unclouded by all the emotions you're feeling. Here's how I see it. Your MM is the *ultimate* cake-eater. He not only wants a wife and a mistress, he wants a polygamous situation where he can *live* with his wife part-time and *live* with his mistress part-time. Of course he does. That means he gets twice as much love, attention, and sex. Plus, the ego boost of having two women fight over him.

You have to make a decision based on the facts, not on your feelings. Do you want to share this man? It sounds like you don't. Well, it's pretty clear from your description that he has no intention of being solely with you. He wants his wife back. So do you want to share him?

If not, you need to leave this man in the dust. You will never get what you want from him. At best, he will go back and forth between you and his wife like a ping pong match. At worst, you will be his permanent mistress. Are you really ready to give up years of your life and experience lots of pain in the process because of this man? No man is worth that.

And love? Well, that will come around again.
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Old 8th March 2017, 1:17 PM   #57
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Not much words, just drink, sex and sleep.
I really confuse.
This is what he wants from you. Aren't you worth more than that? Leave this mess. Don't let him continue to use you.
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Old 9th March 2017, 12:26 AM   #58
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He told her that he had left me.
He told her that he chooses the family instead of me.
She believes him and accepted him back.
But at the same time, he keep saying sorry to me, and ask me to understand he had to do that for the sake of the children, and says he need me in his life.
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Old 9th March 2017, 12:27 AM   #59
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What did he lie to her about?
He told her that he had left me.
He told her that he chooses the family instead of me.
She believes him and accepted him back.
But at the same time, he keep saying sorry to me, and ask me to understand he had to do that for the sake of the children, and says he need me in his life.
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Old 9th March 2017, 12:30 AM   #60
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Originally Posted by BuddyX View Post
Couple posts above you mentioned how he's a guy who is passive and will not chase. Wrong. He will not chase after you. You are his sometimes.

Face it, you got thrown under the bus. It will happen again, again, and again.

Time to gain some self esteem and go NC. Are you that afraid to be alone that you put your kids wellbeing in jeopardy.
Yes. im really very hurt with his action. He had a house, where i moved in after she left. He told me that he wanted to move the wife and the kids in after they had reconcile. I agreed. I understand, rather leave it empty, as me and MM are working in other city, just gave them the chance for a better life.
I do feel being used. i do. And he doesnt really justify much of his feelings towards me anymore.
How to leave. i meant, he is part of me !
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