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Stay or Leave [UPDATE: I called his wife]


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 8th February 2017, 9:14 AM   #31
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Why don't you re-read that part where He keeps his conversations with her private so he won't hurt you. SMH.

if your daughter came to you with the story, what would you tell her?

You invested a lot in this relationship. Not him. Yes he left his wife, but wanted to get back with her as soon as possible. He knows you're expandable. You'll always come back.

"Many a false step was made by standing still."

Last edited by BuddyX; 8th February 2017 at 9:15 AM.. Reason: Grammar
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Old 17th February 2017, 12:29 AM   #32
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Still here..

Hello everyone..its me again..just to update...im still hanging on with him..he hurt me bad this time..we were at the point where he willing to let me go..he said he loves me but he has to do what he needs to. He need to make sure his kids grow up properly. I said i understand and agree to leave. Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone..
And in the end...we decided to be together in this city and he can resume to his fixed family in hometown...his mother give her consent too...she said if we really cant be apart...then do it carefully...they are planning for wedding re-vow, she purposely text me to invite me to the church...little did she knows we are still together. She insulted me in her text. I cried at night and he found out about what she had texted me. He hug me and keep saying sorry..he cant fight for me. But he cried too...its just bad and confusing..he loves me and his children so he is stuck with her and me...and i couldnt move on..cos i dont know how to....
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Old 17th February 2017, 3:27 AM   #33
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He made his choice and it was not you OP, sorry. This is disturbing on many levels. He is renewing his vows it doesn't get more obvious than that IMO. Play that over in your mind. You are in a worse position than being alone, you are the other women. This is selfish and downright cruel on his part to still attempt to keep you in his life. Again, he made his choice, you are worth much more than this and he is no partner to you, take your power back, move on.
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Old 17th February 2017, 3:37 AM   #34
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Stay for what?.. leave already.

Rinse repeat is what you will get if you stay.
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Old 17th February 2017, 11:24 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by ice3784 View Post
they are planning for wedding re-vow, she purposely text me to invite me to the church...little did she knows we are still together. She insulted me in her text. I cried at night and he found out about what she had texted me. He hug me and keep saying sorry..he cant fight for me. But he cried too...its just bad and confusing..he loves me and his children so he is stuck with her and me...and i couldnt move on..cos i dont know how to....
I can't even imagine the pain you must have felt from this.

I'm saying this as a fOW, but also just as a human being: you need to pull away from this man. I don't know what he feels for you. Maybe love. But I think it's unspeakably cruel and selfish for someone to say they love you and then ask you to permanently be their mistress. And don't kid yourself, that is what he wants. He is renewing his vows with his wife, he's gotten his mother's approval. You are to be, permanently, an other woman.

To me, this isn't, can't be, love. If you love someone, you want them to be happy. You want them to have self-confidence and self-esteem, and find a person who can love them fully and completely. You don't ask them to put their life on hold and go through cycle after cycle of pain simply because you are too selfish to let go. I have been lucky in my life to have felt real love. Real love doesn't always work out (I'm close friends with both of my ex LT partners), but we let each other go when we needed to *because* we loved each other. Because it would have too selfish to do otherwise. That is what your xMM should be doing. And if he can't, you must do it yourself.
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Old 17th February 2017, 11:38 AM   #36
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Quote:
Hello everyone..its me again..just to update...im still hanging on with him..he hurt me bad this time..we were at the point where he willing to let me go..he said he loves me but he has to do what he needs to. He need to make sure his kids grow up properly. I said i understand and agree to leave. Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone..
Re-read the part that I bolded. It is beyond insulting. It's all about him. You are essentially an unpaid maid and bed partner. You deserve better, you owe yourself more than this. I don't know how much clearer he could be about his priorities.
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Old 17th February 2017, 12:54 PM   #37
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Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone..

------

And honestly, I think the above gets at why MOST xMM don't leave their wife, but don't want to let the OW go either. They aren't entirely happy, don't really know how to fix it, sometimes even would like to leave their marriage. But, no matter what, they are terrified of being alone. So stay in a sort of no-man's land, trying to fill the gaps with OW while not having to face any loneliness at all.
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:13 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by FoundMyStrength View Post
Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone..

------

And honestly, I think the above gets at why MOST xMM don't leave their wife, but don't want to let the OW go either. They aren't entirely happy, don't really know how to fix it, sometimes even would like to leave their marriage. But, no matter what, they are terrified of being alone. So stay in a sort of no-man's land, trying to fill the gaps with OW while not having to face any loneliness at all.
@FoundMyStrength - you're very perceptive and sound very strong...reading your words is so helpful. How did you move on from the cycle you describe if you don't mind me asking?
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:29 PM   #39
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Please clarify: did you divorce your husband? Has he moved on with his life?
Finally do you have children?
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Old 17th February 2017, 2:05 PM   #40
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Originally Posted by FoundMyStrength View Post
Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone..

------
I read this differently, that he was concerned she'd be alone. Why would he be alone? Presumably he was going to go back to his family. Could be wrong...
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Old 17th February 2017, 2:30 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by ice3784 View Post
Thank you...i have to admit the truth of your words. Everyday im stuck reading my own post waiting for more comments telling me what i should do. Yes. At the moment my life is miserable. I fell like i am defending a stupid relationship. Im hurthing myself and the wife too. I know she had no choice to accept him back, truly, for the sake of the kids. I just felt like i had commited a lot and i shouldnt let go. I started as a secret. And if this continues..he gonna fix his relationship with his wife and i will again be a secret as he told her i am no longer with him...it does feel miserable..to see someone u love giving u up...
Would you "stay"' with him if he went back to his wife?

You can do better. You deserve better. Be strong on your own... this guy is a douche and the women in his life let him do it. I would rather be alone than with a guy like him.

Yet, I know those stupid things called feelings get in the way. Counseling an option? I think when we have love for ourselves, these types of men become unworthy of us (I'm working on that too).
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Old 17th February 2017, 3:20 PM   #42
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Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone..
Ok If he meant He will be alone in this sentence, then you should charge him for this arrangement, because that is all it is , a hidden arrangement.

If he meant You would be alone, are you that desperate?
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Old 17th February 2017, 3:31 PM   #43
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Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
I read this differently, that he was concerned she'd be alone. Why would he be alone? Presumably he was going to go back to his family. Could be wrong...
I think the OP and MM both got jobs in another city and lived together there for a while (year-plus). I got the impression from the update that MM wants to live with OP in the new city while still being back with his family part-time in the old city. So he'd be alone in new city without her. But I'm not really sure, honestly.
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Old 17th February 2017, 7:30 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by Jersey born raised View Post
Please clarify: did you divorce your husband? Has he moved on with his life?
Finally do you have children?
I havent divorce too. Seeing his action im scared if i divorce before him, im making myself a fool. I has a daughter of 2. He met her before and he likes her. But today his decision of reconcile with his wife and want me to accept the situation, push me to no where to go but to accept and live it. Lucky we are 3 hours flight apart so my life with him is consider fine and the wife is taking care of his children so he is living with me but only occassionaly with her during holidays.
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Old 17th February 2017, 7:33 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by FoundMyStrength View Post
I think the OP and MM both got jobs in another city and lived together there for a while (year-plus). I got the impression from the update that MM wants to live with OP in the new city while still being back with his family part-time in the old city. So he'd be alone in new city without her. But I'm not really sure, honestly.
Yes. You are right. We both moved to a new city and lived together. The wife is 3 hours flight apart. He told me he wants to be with me and he loves me. The only reason he needs to be with her is to protect the kids...
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