It's really all about Our Selves

[confusingme]

So about 3 months ago, I was crying myself to sleep, I was grieving everyday, I was confusing, I was wondering what I meant to the OM, I was hoping there was somehow a chance we could get back together, I was regretting telling my friend about my A (she told the OM's wife, then D-day happened.), I was driving 20 miles to the OM's home but had to hide behind trees, while hoping I could see him again, even if it was just the back of his head through his windows, I was feeling my world was all gone when I thought about that I would never see the OM again in my whole life, I was holding my phone all day hoping that he would give me a call or a text message, I didn't get anything of course, so I started making excuses for him, etc., Geez, what could be worse ?

 

I was so miserable !

 

3 months later, this morning, I started my first class of college, I talked to people who have the same dreams as me, whom we encouraged each other for our baby steps, we look forward to the day when we would have achieved our dreams, oh Man !! That totally make me a fresh man !

 

I started talking to some guy in the gym during the time period I was recovering my A, I initiated the conversation. After the A, I felt a huge loss, I always thought IT WAS BECAUSE I LOST HIM, so I was looking for that feeling which I had with him from others. So this guy I was kind of chasing, he was of course sweet to me, I told him about my marriage, I was looking for his empathy which he did give me.

 

At that time, I was crazy, I was feeling crazy, I didn't care how he thought about me, I literally texted him every morning, he always replied to me, which was sweet. I almost was going to tell my husband that I couldn't stand his uncaring (husband) anymore and I was talking to someone, no joking, there was this indescribable pressure in my chest.

 

Anyway, I was totally messed up, mentally.

 

Then one day, the gym guy and I were going to have a cup of coffee. I was excited, and I was all ready. About 15 mins before the meeting up time, I texted him "I'm ready to meet, are you?" He said "No, I am not." No explanation. Well I figured that he's busy and would be probably couple mins late, so I said "Ok."

 

But then all a sudden, I felt so low, it's like some voice was telling me "You are not anything to anybody." I knew I was using this gym guy to get over my A, (My school was the major part though), I was not attached to him at all. I was just using him to kill my long & boring time. But still, when I realized that EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I WASN'T INTO HIM, WHEN I LEARNED HE SIMPLY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME, IT TOTALLY WOKE ME UP.

 

My mind never ever had been so clear.

 

So just like that, I finally realized that the whole time since August 2016, being miserable was really all about myself.

 

I started learning "how to respect yourself" online, I made a list of things are important to me. I had "my husband" "my daughter" "my college" "my future" "my current marriage life", there was no "OM" "Gym guy".

 

This evening I looked at the OM's wife's FB page, her profile picture was them together in front of their Christmas. I remember I was looking at his pictures for hours on bed, crying, hurting, but now I didn't feel anything. It was whatever picture to me. I felt good.

 

When I think about the A, it's a pitiful feeling for myself. I wish I respected myself enough to not to start the A. Although my husband never knew about this. I feel sorry for him. It's been 5 months, I feel I have wasted this 5 months, if I was clear in the beginning, I would have improved my mental power so much more.

 

Couple days ago, I was complaining about my computer, it's too slow. Then my husband took me to buy a brand new one. I felt really good.

I had couple date nights at home with my husband now, we made love again, (been months), I will admit I still has the A in my mind, but now my heart knows it's not about this OM anymore, it's about myself. It's a true willingness to recover not just from the A, but also from my self-esteem.

 

The A, might have given me some real ego boosting, however, after all, it has destroyed me much more than I got.

 

(There is no certain purpose of this post, I'm just kind of expressing my feelings which I have missed for so long. A feeling of being true.True to myself.)

[aileD]

It's a great post

[sandylee1]

I think this is a really good bit of self reflection below

 

The A, might have given me some real ego boosting, however, after all, it has destroyed me much more than I got.

 

For all the ego boosts and strokes you may get from an affair, it's just not worth the aftermath.

 

There aren't many people who don't regret having an affair, even if they eventually end up together, they still regret the way it started and the part they played in hurting another person or people.

 

The type of person who doesn't regret it, is devoid of empathy and the self awareness.

 

Stay strong and work on reconnecting with your husband.

[freengreen]

Its a hearty one... and its true.

 

I feel so sad about letting myself into EA. How I overlooked the bruises my heart had and went ahead begging for more. All from a almost stranger. How I let myself get used and be fooled.

 

Whats done is done. Not easy to dust, its sticky muck.. wont clear soon. But I am determined to get it clean. Embrace myself and all people who care about me knowing what I did.

 

Thanks for the post

[confusingme]

I think this is a really good bit of self reflection below

 

The A, might have given me some real ego boosting, however, after all, it has destroyed me much more than I got.

 

For all the ego boosts and strokes you may get from an affair, it's just not worth the aftermath.

 

There aren't many people who don't regret having an affair, even if they eventually end up together, they still regret the way it started and the part they played in hurting another person or people.

 

The type of person who doesn't regret it, is devoid of empathy and the self awareness.

 

Stay strong and work on reconnecting with your husband.

Yes Sandy, thank you. I'm giving my husband a lot of attention now, I send him messages everyday, even though some times I don't really need to. And he's been loving, I don't know if he realizes my change, sometimes, I feel worried

That he would notice and becomes suspicious? But also I can tell that he's happy, and in return, he's giving me more attention.

I think before I was looking for that missing piece of my marriage from the OM, he did give it to me, however, it would only last in darkness, plus, there were so much bitterness while I receiving that fake "caring", that was the most fragile thing ever.

 

I'm glad, it's not too late to realize that I can always have this missing part fixed with my husband inside of the marriage.

 

The day when I started my class, after I came back home. My husband held me and told me "I hope you know I'm very very very proud of you." It's hard to describe the feeling, it's like I've refuse to seek for that caring feelings from my husband, due to my own sadness from the problems we have in the marriage, I kind of pulled away myself from my husband. Only now I started realizing that I was hurting myself, and probably hurting my husband too.

 

I can't really blame him while I was the way who didn't go hug him or say I love you for a long time. Instead, I gave a lot of attention on my sadness and got drawn into it, later I gave it all to the OM.

 

How I let myself become so low...

I'm sorry to myself, for not respecting myself enough to love myself.

 

My marriage still needs a lot of fix up, however, the most important thing is now I know I want to do it, instead of hiding myself from myself.

[confusingme]

Its a hearty one... and its true.

 

I feel so sad about letting myself into EA. How I overlooked the bruises my heart had and went ahead begging for more. All from a almost stranger. How I let myself get used and be fooled.

 

Whats done is done. Not easy to dust, its sticky muck.. wont clear soon. But I am determined to get it clean. Embrace myself and all people who care about me knowing what I did.

 

Thanks for the post

 

freengreen, yes, isn't it ? They are almost strangers.

I as well feel so sad about letting myself into an A, we hurt ourselves. We got ourselves so low...We begged the OMs, we thought they were the perfect... they were our worlds... I'm so sorry you have to feel this pain, as for myself too...

The A sure is a crisis in my life. Although my husband never knows, I feel I'm not equal with him now in the marriage, I know I owe him...That feeling will be with me for the rest of my life...

I don't know and scared to know how I would feel when I'm 50 ? Darn, I regret it so much...