Tiana09 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 I met a man online 6 years ago and thought he was the love of my life. It was a long distance relationship but he travelled to see me often and because of visa issues i couldn't immediately visit him.We got engaged after 3 years together and after 5 started to plan our wedding and apply for a fiancee visa.Shortly after i managed to get over my visa issues and decided to go see him.My wedding dress had been bought and everything arranged and i thought it would be good to see his family first as he has 2 children from a previous relationship.Just before i went he abruptly broke up with me without a reason and i decided to search him on social media and alas!only to discover he was married and had been for 9 years!living with his wife and their kids.They have no kids together but she has 3 kids of her own. I confronted him hurt and upset and he kept begging that i should forgive him and he was in the process of a divorce and i should still travel to see him.i know i should'nt have but i still travelled a couple of times to see him thinking i would get closure and an explanation from my pain as i was getting suicidal only for him to keep telling me how much he loves me and wanted to continue our relationship.After seeing him a couple of times i decided i really didn't want this kind of life and i deserve much better only to realize i am pregnant. Though heavy with child,i have decided not to be with him at all and informed him about the baby but prepared to be a single mother in case he doesn't want anything to do with it.I have decided to start over but it is so hard and i cry and stress everyday and feel bad and guilty for this child.It is so hard for me to let go of a 6 years though i know its the right thing to do for my own sanity but its just so so hard.Should i ask for child support once the child is born?is it even worth the trouble? Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Such cruel human being he is. Sociopath and wont have any respect for any other person except him. You have endured so much, depression was invitable . Hugs. You are a brave woman to welcome a child, a clever girl for having decided not to go back to him. Take help from friends and family who love you, start looking up on filing papers for child support. Therapy would help? whatever it is, how ever weak you feel, DO NOT GO BACK to him. This man who lied to you in these proportions would obviously 'beg' and everytime you are giving in, he is smirking on your back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Is he in a country that could enforce child support? Because he could simply block you out of his life and ignore you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiana09 Posted January 6, 2017 Author Share Posted January 6, 2017 Thank you Freengreen..That made me feel a little better.i joined this forum because I needed to talk to someone.My family and friends were so upset with my exfiancee that they don't want to talk about him or hear anything about him and it's hard for me because then I'm still carrying this burden around.My mom and I gave the wedding dress to charity and lost alot of money on non refundable wedding arrangements of which he didn't pay a cent as he said he would give me some money back but never did.My friends threaten to inform his wife about everything because they think he got away with it but I don't think I want to go there.Ithink I will need to see a counsellor because of my mental state. Yes Sandylee1,he lives in a country where child support can be implemented but I doubt he will want to take responsibility so the wife will never find out. He might just decide to block me and his son out for good but I just don't know if I have the strength to fight him in court. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Yes, you should apply for child support. That money is not for you, it's for the child. Wahtever happens in the future, that child support money could make a huge difference to the child. If you were to suffer illness or injury, that support money would provide what the child needs while you are healing and cannot work. If no accident or illness befalls you, the money could go toward a better quality of life for the child or even be saved in an account the child can use at adulthood to pay for college or buy a home. Who cares if his wife finds out he had a child with an affair partner? That's HIS problem to deal with. If he didn't want to have to explain a love child to his wife, he shouldn't have been having sex with someone not his wife. He dug himself into this hole, he can figure out how to dig himself out. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Well, he did get away with all of this!. If I were your friend, I would say the same. However, that is not priority now. If you keep lurking in his life, who is going to invest time and energy on yours?. Take care of yourself and prepare little by little for the baby. Child support is child's right. You must make it happen. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Yes, you should see a counsellor. What he did to you was absolutely reprehensible. I'm so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Good for you for knowing you and now your baby deserve better. You should definitely go for child support, it's your child's right. I'm kind of amazed that you never looked him up on social media before now. Even people who live near each other usually look up their bf/gf on social media early on, being that you two were long distance I would think you would have been all over each other's social media from the start. In any case it's terrible what he did but good that you found out before this went any further. Now you have a sweet baby on the way so good physical and mental health is most important. Further interaction with this man will not be good for your mental health, which will not be good for your baby. Baby is the priority now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Just so you are clear, you didn't know he was married and that means you wee not a willing OW. Most people who find themselves in an A are aware of the situation, but you weren't. This is not your fault. This is one of those rare instances where I would put the hurt on him. I would tell his wife, fight for support and make him pay. I am sorry this happened. Try not to think of it as a burden. I know it is difficult but babies are wonderful. Forgive yourself, he is the jerk here, not you. Hang in there. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Just so you are clear, you didn't know he was married and that means you wee not a willing OW. Most people who find themselves in an A are aware of the situation, but you weren't. This is not your fault. This is one of those rare instances where I would put the hurt on him. I would tell his wife, fight for support and make him pay. I am sorry this happened. Try not to think of it as a burden. I know it is difficult but babies are wonderful. Forgive yourself, he is the jerk here, not you. Hang in there. I agree^^ I'm soooo sorry for what you are going through. I can't believe he'd lie to that extreme for 6 years! A wedding gown and all!! Wow that is a totally new level of low. I'd tell his wife, like, yesterday. No joke. You are completely innocent. And don't feel bad for the child. This isn't your fault. Get his a$$ for child support and raise your baby. You can do this. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
cloche Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Would your baby be entitled to citizenship within his country of origin? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiana09 Posted January 6, 2017 Author Share Posted January 6, 2017 Yes I've felt so naive and stupid for not searching harder on social network but I did search both his name's all the time but so many people under his same name came up most without profile pictures or other info.apparently the only reason I discovered his account is because he changed his profile picture to a picture of him during that time and it was one that I recognized.We even had a joint Facebook account opened by him but only my friends and family were on it.I used to wonder why he doesn't add his friends but he would say he rarely has friends.He had made me believe he is not a social media person only to find out later he was on probably all sites. Facebook,Instagram,FaceTime,Snapchat and all. I am in his country and will probably give birth here soon so even if he doesn't sign the birth certificate ,my son will still get citizenship.I'm not sure if I can still claim for child support if his name is not on the birth certificate? I feel so much better now that I got to talk about it on this forum. Talking really does help.Thank you all my mind is getting lighter and I've cried very little today 6 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Yes I've felt so naive and stupid for not searching harder on social network but I did search both his name's all the time but so many people under his same name came up most without profile pictures or other info.apparently the only reason I discovered his account is because he changed his profile picture to a picture of him during that time and it was one that I recognized.We even had a joint Facebook account opened by him but only my friends and family were on it.I used to wonder why he doesn't add his friends but he would say he rarely has friends.He had made me believe he is not a social media person only to find out later he was on probably all sites. Facebook,Instagram,FaceTime,Snapchat and all. I am in his country and will probably give birth here soon so even if he doesn't sign the birth certificate ,my son will still get citizenship.I'm not sure if I can still claim for child support if his name is not on the birth certificate? I feel so much better now that I got to talk about it on this forum. Talking really does help.Thank you all my mind is getting lighter and I've cried very little today Don't feel like you are naive or stupid. You are not stupid and none of this is your fault. This is 100% his doing. Lots of guys I know aren't really into social media and some of them don't have any social media at all so it's understandable that you just believed what he said, I mean why would 't you? Keep talking as much as you need to, seek expert advise on matters like child support and citizenship, and take care of yourself so that you can have healthy little bundle of joy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Just so you are clear, you didn't know he was married and that means you wee not a willing OW. Most people who find themselves in an A are aware of the situation, but you weren't. This is not your fault. This is one of those rare instances where I would put the hurt on him. I would tell his wife, fight for support and make him pay. I am sorry this happened. Try not to think of it as a burden. I know it is difficult but babies are wonderful. Forgive yourself, he is the jerk here, not you. Hang in there. ^^^^^yep this^^^^^ I would blow his entire world up! This man is like a f**king Lifetime movie living a double life like that!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 In many countries your very first appointment with a lawyer is free or discounted. Please seek legal advise!! Remember that it's for your child. Even if you don't need the money you should save the child support for your child's future. I was perfectly healthy (or so I thought!) until I was in my late 30's & had my son. I suffer from a degenerative spine & other issues. I was diagnosed with cancer last year. You just never know what's around the corner. I'm not being negative, it's important to consider all eventualities & plan accordingly, particularly when you're a mother! CONGRATULATIONS!! Having my babies changed my life. It's a blessing. Your child's genetic history could become very important. Please speak with a lawyer before you decide about name on the birth certificate, consider support payments etc. It's ALWAYS in your best interests to be informed. Best Wishes to you & your lovely baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiana09 Posted January 7, 2017 Author Share Posted January 7, 2017 Thank you shattered Lady...Your story has given me strength and I'm now thinking about what would happen to my child if something were to happen to me God forbid..And I can't provide any more. I am going to start looking around for legal assistance and get prepared. It's time to stop mopping and do something right for this innocent child. I pray for strength and healing for you and thank you so much for sharing that.Its made me realize my life isn't about just me now that I have a child and being weak and suicidal isn't an option.Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiana09 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 I initially posted my story on here about unknowingly being engaged to a married man and dating him for 6 years. I did get blessed with a healthy baby but almost a year and a half from my original posting I'm still so depressed about everything that happened. The man reached out after my baby was born and offered to help with child support but he doesn't send money regularly. He has also kept the child a secret from his wife and family and at this moment I'm really considering an attorney for child support.How do I get past this?how do I heal? Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Well I don't know how you can heal because as the father of your child, you will always be reminded and think of him. But as far as child support, absolutely contact a lawyer! Get your child what he or she deserves. Stop being loyal to him and doing things on his terms. He's had plenty of time to tell his family about the baby and hasn't. That's not your problem. He helped bring that child into the world and he needs to support that child. If he wants nothing to do with the baby then that's on him but he does need to provide financial support at the least. Not on his terms or whenever he feels like throwing a couple dollars your way. It needs to be in writing, signed by a judge. Once you start taking control of your life, starting with child support, you'll begin to heal. One day at a time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiana09 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 Thank you lostgirl87. I will definitely use an attorney . I didn't realise then that this whole episode hurt me more than I initially thought and I've been fighting suicidal thoughts since then. I'm trying so hard to get past it,to start my life afresh but I think I should stop all communication with my baby's father and let him communicate everything through my attorney. As much as I don't entertain him and he's never seen the baby,he still pleads and begs me to go back to him yet he is still married. The wife keeps posting how great of a husband she has and it makes me sad that she doesn't know what he's doing behind her back and that he has a son.Maybe cutting all communication with him would also help? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 You have a baby. That is a blessing and something you should rejoice over. Instead you obsess over this married loser and have suicidal thoughts because of how he treats you. That is so sad and your baby deserves better. Why are you not taking joy in your child? Your child is pure and innocent and worthy of all of your love and attention. Your MM is not worthy of anything yet it seems emotionally you make more room for your misery over him rather than happiness over your baby. Of course you should cut the MM out of your life and stop all contact with him. Why haven't you done that already? Cut him out and if you are still miserable and suicidal get counselling. It isn't all about you anymore, your baby's well being counts too and should be the number one priority. Babies and children sense sadness and anger even if all of their physical needs are being met. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Yes, speak to an attorney. Make sure your baby is acknowledged as his legal child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 take care of yourself so that there is someone for your baby. do get an attorney to get child support. And it is time that you take him to court to get the child support. Then his wife should find out. Good luck to you and your baby. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I had a friend in a situation where she had a baby from one guy but wasn't married. She decided not to pursue having him listed as the father and no child support. A few years later, she met an amazing man who adopted her daughter. You only want to pursue legal support for child support if you believe you will never meet a man who will want to adopt your child as his own. It would complicate things having him paying child support and he would more than likely not give up his rights as a father to another man if he must pay to provide for the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 dont waste anymore time on him, run as fast as you can Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 OP, go for child support. Having child support will not stop a man from loving your child as their own. It will help you not struggle so much. It will help provide for your child. And if in the future, some man wants to adopt your child, if the bio dad is so dead set against having a relationship with your child he will probably quickly sign over his rights so it can happen. His support will then end. Even if the bio dad does not pay, no other man can adopt your child without his permission anyway, so you might as will get support until this possible future happens. On a side not, just because a step-parent choses to not adopt does not in any way mean they don't love the kids. Just like choosing to adopt doesn't mean they do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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