Looking for OW's response

[Backornot]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

 

I'm in (maybe out of) a multiple years long A with a MOW. I'm an MM. during this A, my AP has broken it off multiple times. Sometimes over little things, sometimes over big things, like a Dday with her H.

 

I always give her time when she breaks it off. I would check back with her after some time had passed. Just saying, "Hi, how are you." Sometimes she responds right away. Sometimes I need to give more time but she never failed to eventually respond and rekindle the relationship. Sometimes she would say hurtful things at first, I think, to make me back off. Not really meaning them but wanting me to back off, give her more time. I took the hint and gave more time and then tried again. Always eventually we get back together.

 

This last time though seems different. She has been very consistently cold to me. Not failing to respond, she does answer my text and take my calls but not rekindling the relationship either. Not saying anything terribly hurtful but not encouraging contact either.

 

Most recently there was a conversation where she said, "If you truly do love me, then I ask you to show me you love me by never contacting me again."

 

So my question is, does she really mean this? Or does she just need a LOT more time this time? I fear that if I never contact her again she will think I did not love her enough to keep trying no matter what. She used to often say that she feared I did not love her and that the A was a total waste of her time and life. So if I give up, am I not going to leave her thinking I didn't want her badly enough? Would it not be better to keep trying, gently, and be told no, rather than just disappear?

 

After all she could block me. She's never done that. Her H blocked me without her knowledge once and she was pissed about that. Even though she didn't rekindle right away, wasn't ready to talk to me, still, she was pissed that he blocked me. I always leave it up to her to respond or not so what is the harm if I gently ask, how are you? I always just leave it at that. If she does not respond I give it more time.

 

I should add that she has never been the one to reach out first after a break up. Never in the many years that we have been doing this, not once. She says she didn't bc she would never pursue a guy. She is very attractive and she prides herself on never needing to be the one reaching out. So I know if I don't reach out, then this really will end.

 

End or not end though, I don't want her to think I don't love her. Its just which way says I love you, to reach out or to disappear.

[Gloria25]

I think she meant that if you loved her, you'd let her go.

 

I know, sounds sooo cliché, no?

 

But think about it. If you truly care for someone, don't you want them to be happy?

 

Well, in your/her situation, her staying with her husband and not cheating anymore is probably what she needs.

 

I gather you both - like a lot of people who get into affairs - are/were trying to fill a desire/need that they aren't getting from the BS? Well, but at what cost? I gather her husband is hurting (if he knows about you) and they probably also have kids. Each time she betrays her husband, especially since he knows, she's twisting a knife in his wounded heart. So, no matter how she may want/need you, she probably figured what she's putting her husband and family through isn't worth it.

 

Some people can pull off being the OW without harming anyone. When I was a OW, that was my goal. I wasn't there to hurt anyone or break up a home. I was content with time he gave me. No calling up BS, causing drama, etc. But, not all people are fortunate to pull off a clean affair with no collateral damage.

 

BTW, I was a OW twice - with a guy for almost six years (he lived with the mother of his kid - common law I guess); and, my FWB that ended about three years ago (he divorced her just before we broke up).

[Chica80]

Let her go. If you truly love her and really care about her let her go.

 

She's not contacting you. She's already had a dday and is not leaving. You are only causing yourself and her and your families further pain. So let it go.

[FoundMyStrength]

Your situation is a little different from mine -- longer affair, both married -- but I see it as a sign of respect and love that my xMM has not been in touch since I initiated no contact.

 

From life in general, and this site, I have learned that men are able to compartmentalize so much better than women. I believe my xMM was able to put his wife in one box and me in another, and as long as those worlds didn't collide, he found happiness and love in both. And I think he was able to tuck away all the negative feelings that come with affairs, and enjoy the moment.

 

I was never able to do that. Even when I was with him, and felt such love and connection, there was ALWAYS an underlying pain. A sadness, a grief, and such guilt and shame. Those painful feelings caused me to initiate NC, and I do see it as a sign of love that he has respected it.

[Noideanow]

I know this is not your question, but in your shoes i think i would:

make myself unmarried, tell her to do the same and ignore her until... the way it is now/before only brings temporary relief and happiness and much more longing and misery and wasted time:(

[Backornot]

Let her go. If you truly love her and really care about her let her go.

 

She's not contacting you. She's already had a dday and is not leaving. You are only causing yourself and her and your families further pain. So let it go.

 

I understand your opinion, don't reach out, but just wanted to say that her not contacting me is nothing to base that on. I'm sure you still mean what you said but keep in mind that she NEVER contacted me first. And clams she never made the first move on a guy ever in her life. Prides herself on not being the pursuer, ever.

[Backornot]

I know this is not your question, but in your shoes i think i would:

make myself unmarried,(

 

I don't want to say why, but my getting divorced is not possible.

[Southern Sun]

Did you EVER end things with her? Play hot and cold? Or was she always the one to end things?

[CrazyCoach]

I guess I would reach out with one more note saying you heard what she said, you do love her, so you will respect her wishes and not contact her again. But then you need to actually do it which is going to be very tough. You'll need to treat this like a breakup and understand that you may never see her again. She may end up contacting you.

 

Anyway, that is what I'd do - at least you won't sit there wondering what she is thinking. You'll know that she knows the ball is in her court.

[FoundMyStrength]

I understand your opinion, don't reach out, but just wanted to say that her not contacting me is nothing to base that on. I'm sure you still mean what you said but keep in mind that she NEVER contacted me first. And clams she never made the first move on a guy ever in her life. Prides herself on not being the pursuer, ever.

 

That might be true, but her statement, "If you truly do love me, then I ask you to show me you love me by never contacting me again" is pretty unequivocal. She's basically pleading with you to leave her alone. Maybe she wants to repair her relationship with her husband. Or figure out if the best course of action is divorce. Whatever it is, you can only cause her pain and confusion. She deserves the time to figure out what and who she wants.

[Noideanow]

I don't want to say why, but my getting divorced is not possible.

 

Ok then i think you should stay away as she says because she probably in the back of her mind wish you both were free and that is not possible:confused:

[freengreen]

Last time my OM came back, I bashed him for a while but we got back eventually. Because deep down I wanted him in my life then.

 

There is another person who keeps contacting me to be friends. I told almost same lines to him " I am not very interested. Please do not waste your time and my time on this. Please dont contact me again, I do not want to get rude" and blocked him. I got no feelings for this guy what so ever. He was kinda soft stalker.

 

I think she means it this time. If she blocked you, that is another sign of not wanting you contact her.

[Gloria25]

I guess I would reach out with one more note saying you heard what she said, you do love her, so you will respect her wishes and not contact her again. But then you need to actually do it which is going to be very tough. You'll need to treat this like a breakup and understand that you may never see her again. She may end up contacting you.

 

Anyway, that is what I'd do - at least you won't sit there wondering what she is thinking. You'll know that she knows the ball is in her court.

 

I agree in part, but if he sends the letter, he needs to do so not expecting a reply. I don't know, sending the letter kinda keeps this going.

[Backornot]

Did you EVER end things with her? Play hot and cold? Or was she always the one to end things?

 

When she had her Dday it caused one for me too. I did go quiet then to appease my W. I did not ever play hot and cold.

[Backornot]

Last time my OM came back, I bashed him for a while but we got back eventually. Because deep down I wanted him in my life then.

 

There is another person who keeps contacting me to be friends. I told almost same lines to him " I am not very interested. Please do not waste your time and my time on this. Please dont contact me again, I do not want to get rude" and blocked him. I got no feelings for this guy what so ever. He was kinda soft stalker.

 

I think she means it this time. If she blocked you, that is another sign of not wanting you contact her.

 

She has never blocked me. If she did this would be an easy decision.

[notmyselfnow]

I don't want to say why, but my getting divorced is not possible.

 

Of course it is. That is an excuse.

 

Leave the poor woman alone.

[BuddyX]

I don't want to say why, but my getting divorced is not possible.

 

Let me guess; Religion or Money.

 

SMH

[Southern Sun]

When she had her Dday it caused one for me too. I did go quiet then to appease my W. I did not ever play hot and cold.

 

I ask because, with my xMM, he would "lay low" on me quite a lot. He ended things just as much as I did. So as a matter of pride, I absolutely REFUSED to make the first contact...even if I wanted to. It was the only thing I had (sad, but true). I think sometimes it bothered him, but that always surprised me. I was like - do you REALLY think I would contact you after you ducked out on me for two weeks with no warning?? Besides, he was so hot and cold with me, he made me think if he had given me the opportunity of an exit from the affair, I shouldn't try to get back in it. He simply never made me feel safe. In your case, I was trying to understand if that could be her motive for not contacting you or not responding...but it doesn't sound like that' true.

 

I think As can generally feel very insecure, so women can need a lot of reassurance from their APs...thus her asking you to SHOW her that you love her. It's difficult when affairs are so much made up of words. They are almost existential by nature.

 

But if it is as you say - you have consistently been there for her and she has gotten colder over time - I would be more inclined to believe she is legitimately pulling away from you. I don't doubt there is ambivalence on her part. As you say, she could go out of her way to MAKE SURE you cannot get to her (blocking and such). She likely has conflicting emotions. She wants you to "let her go" and yet, would like to know, in the back of her mind, that you still care.

 

However, I would probably take her at her word, because honestly, that's a pretty major thing to say. If it makes you feel better, you could say: Per your request, and BECAUSE I love you, I am bowing out. Do you really want to have to keep chasing her down anyway, with this trajectory?

[FoundMyStrength]

She has never blocked me. If she did this would be an easy decision.

 

I have never blocked xMM, and he has never blocked me. For some reason, blocking always struck me as an unnecessary slap in the face that I wouldn't do to someone I care about. But I still appreciate him respecting my wishes.

[Tayla]

Let me guess; Religion or Money.

 

SMH

 

Religion , as in being faith filled?

Money as in having value?

 

Courts rarely denied divorces when one of them is demonstrating infidelity .

 

Op- perhaps you are in an open marriage, have your beloved wife reach out to your AP.

[eye of the storm]

Backornot, my MM and I broke up many many times. Each time all it took was a text/email/call/look and I was right back in it.

 

This last time, I told him that I loved him but I was suffering. I was clear that I needed us to end it before I started to hate him. He accepted my wishes.

 

I truly believe he loved me, and still loves me. But like you "can't" get divorced.

 

As much as I hate NC. I appreciate him respecting it. He knows I can't block him from my work emails. He knows my office number and the cell numbers of everyone I work with. He could reach out to me any time he wants. But he doesn't. Because he cares about me enough to respect my wishes.

 

If you contact her you will cause her pain. If you love her you shouldn't want to do that.

 

But, from what I read, you want to contact her so you can stay near enough so that when she weakens you can restart the A.

 

So, to me that says you don't love her, it says you want to continue your A.

[Chica80]

I understand your opinion, don't reach out, but just wanted to say that her not contacting me is nothing to base that on. I'm sure you still mean what you said but keep in mind that she NEVER contacted me first. And clams she never made the first move on a guy ever in her life. Prides herself on not being the pursuer, ever.

 

Ok. U want a OW opinion. I'm a OW. Was MOW when this started. I also knew, it was not going to be possible to be together. It's not a possibility for whatever our reasons may be.

 

I love him. Not what he does for me not what he gives me. I love him who he is. And I stayed, because I believed he loved me because I believed he needed me.

 

But it got to a point where it's just not enough anymore.

She had told you to leave her alone. She won't block you and she won't reach out to you because it's too painful.

 

So why do you want to inflict pain on her?

[freengreen]

She has never blocked me. If she did this would be an easy decision.

Yes would have been a clear sign then.But i still think you must stop contacting her as she sounded firm. Also spare yourself from she getting ruder. Take the oppurtunity to get out of the affair and live real. She is making it easy for you.

[FoundMyStrength]

Let me guess; Religion or Money.

 

SMH

 

 

Or status. My xMM was very caught up in the idea that being married brings one status and respect.

[Poppy47]

Let me guess; Religion or Money.

 

SMH

 

Maybe waiting for the kids to go to college, get married , have grandkids?

 

Poppy.