Marilu2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) Im devastated. For 5 years the man ive been with convinced me he was in love with me. Hes been married 19 yrs with 3 kids. Texted and called everyday. We spent time together on dates & in bed at least twice a week. I also work in the same dept as him. I knew personal details of his life. He even went as far as to going to church with me and swearing on a bible he meant every promise of telling his wife he wanted out of the marriage by end of year (promised constantly).So 23rd of dec comes (his wifes bday) and we go out i tell him theres only a week left & if he needed time to think or he wasnt ready he should take a break. He insisted he knew exactly what he was going to do and not to worry that he was sure. He even gave me a xmas card mentioning how he was looking forward to a lifetime & memories. That evening out of the blue the wife calls me. I hang up 2x. 3 time vm picks up and i hear him say in a panicky voice in the backgroud "fine go ahead leave her a message" but she hung up. I txt him and ask him what the hell is going on. 10 min later i get a txt from him saying "call me". When i do she answers and has me on speaker. She asks what my name is and i didnt tell her i then as him whats going on and he says go ahead talk "..."wants to talk to you. She then asked angrily if i knew he was married and i said yes but you should be speaking to him about that not me. She says im trying but hes not speaking to me. I said wellim sorry hes not. She replied wow what a nice present breaking up a family and i said theres nothing to break thats not already broken and i hung up. When i tried calling him hours later his # was disconnected. I sent him a total of 13 emails from the 23 to the 28th begging him to tell me what happened and if he chose to stay with her and end us. He only answered to tell me he had no access to phone or email, she got all his phone records, that he was trying to figure things out, get settled & get past all this, that its been crazy and a nightmare & he needed time & space hed explain later (he was on vaca). Well next day at work i find a letter on his desk that he was writing a friend dated 12/23 same day we talked before our date. It mentioned how he was excited about a cruise he was going on with his wife next yr in august to celebrate their 20 yr Anniversary. I took pics of it, found out his new # and sent him a message telling him i knew everything now with pics of letter asking him not to approach me again unless he was truly sorry for all hes done & i was moving on. I feel stupid, used he never cared, lied the whole time, he was a coward, he is evil. I hate him and wish him the worst and gods justice. And i have to see him tomorrow... He sits across from me... Will he ever pay for what he did, she obviously forgave him. How do i even get past this? I thought he was the love of my life.... He said it too. Edited January 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Wow! So with the cruise planned for next year, he was never leaving her? His swearing on the bible was a total nonsense. That's 5 years of your life wasted on a lying cheat. Make 2017 your year and put the last 5 down to experience. Married men aren't up for grabs. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 He has killed me... How do i deal with having to work across from him now? I hate him. I want him to pay for what he did. This is the second time she finds out he has cheated & takes him back. But he has cheated 4 other times before. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 He has killed me... How do i deal with having to work across from him now? I hate him. I want him to pay for what he did. This is the second time she finds out he has cheated & takes him back. But he has cheated 4 other times before. So, my question is how do you allow yourself to get so deeply emotional with a six time cheater? He hasn't killed you, you still have life in front of you, you still have love and n front of you. Be strong, focus on self healing and not why she takes him back or thier marrige overall. He is her problem. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 He told me he was a changed man after me that he was no longer who he used to be and i believed him.... He even bought me a promise ring Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 (((Marilu))) I can only imagine the world of pain and shock you are in right now. Know that you are amongst friends, that millions of others have stood in your shoes (hundreds here on LS) and nearly all of them recovered and moved on with their lives. As will you. Some MM tell the OW pack of lies right from the beginning and never intend to leave their wives. Others intend to and even take steps to make it happen. But I can tell you from experience, nothing prepares a man for the total breakdown and devastation that he is confronted with when his wife learns the truth. It can change a man instantly and all his well laid plans evaporate in thin air in a split second. This happened to me, and from what you've written, I think this applies to your mm too. He loves you, he wanted to be with you...But for whatever reason, he couldn't go ahead with it. He is weak. Like me, he was weak to have the affair in the first place, he was weak to lie and cheat to his wife and you for give for years and he was weak and gutless when it came to leaving his marriage. Not sure how much you've read here on LS or on the internet in general about the OW, but tragically your story, in one form or another, has, is and will play out a million times. Spend a few hours browsing this forum and you'll soon see the same patterns playing out over and over again. If nothing else, this will show you that you are far from unique or alone. You are better off without him. Save yourself months of further pain by immediately cutting him out of your life now. We are here for you. You can do this. Stay strong and keep posting. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 Thank you alll i really need support right now.... How do i work with him... He sits across from me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 He has killed me... How do i deal with having to work across from him now? I hate him. I want him to pay for what he did. This is the second time she finds out he has cheated & takes him back. But he has cheated 4 other times before. The sooner one of you gets another job, the better. Having to sit across a desk from him, will make recovery almost impossible. I'm sure his wife will have something to say about his continued contact with you too. If he has any decency about him, he should already be looking for another job. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 He has killed me... How do i deal with having to work across from him now? I hate him. I want him to pay for what he did. This is the second time she finds out he has cheated & takes him back. But he has cheated 4 other times before. Yes, he's crap. I'm so sorry about what happened. He is a liar and was living a fantasy. When reality hit, he couldn't cope. I am sorry he treated you like this. You cope at work by taking the high road. Ignore him as much as possible. Do not give him the benefit of acknowledgement. Let him stew. Behave with dignity, the kind of dignity he is clearly not capable of. Don't let this guy think he matters anything to you; he clearly does not deserve you or his wife. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) Thank you alll i really need support right now.... How do i work with him... He sits across from me It's ok (((Marilu))). We've all been there. Right now it's your hour of need and we are here for you. One day you'll be using your experience to help others, but right now you need to take care of YOU. There are many very knowledgeable people here who have been through what you are going through, and others like me who have played other roles in the same pantomime. We understand your pain and many will be able to give you great advice. Hang in there...You are at rock bottom. There's only one way to go from here, and your journey starts now. Be strong Edited January 2, 2017 by jenkins95 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 Thank you all i appreciate being able to come here... Being the OW is a stigma and most ppl wouldnt understand my situation especially considering all the promises him telling me they were like roomates & not even wearing his ring anymore....i never wanted to hurt anyone and gave him many opportunities to make a choice. But the OW will always appear to be the homewrecker, monster or whore and its just not so Link to post Share on other sites
oceansaway Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 So sorry for your pain. Please keep reading and hopefully you can heal. YOU are worth more than this lying cheater. Let her have to live and deal with his lies. As far as your job...that will be difficult to move past this scum bag. You need a new job if he doesn't quit first. You will never be able to move on seeing him Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 There's something here that I can't put my thumb on . . . Just lying on his desk was a letter (hand-written?) that he was composing to a friend, conveniently dated, explaining he was excited about something 8 or 9 months in the future? Or did you go through his desk? Did you log into his computer? Perhaps this was just planted in cohoots with his wife to let you know it was really over and done with. Or, he's just that much of an a-hole. In any event, the end result is the same. You now know that he didn't mean what he said. He may have thought he meant them at the time, or he may just be a complete manipulator who lies with ease. In either case, he is bad news. You probably thought about the "What if this doesn't work out?" when you decided to date/have an affair with your coworker across the desk. What was your contingency plan then? If you didn't, then that's something to think about in the future before you get involved. You may need to find another job to gain peace and closure. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 His wife may dictate that, as the affair was at work, then he needs to quit his job, so do not be too hasty in handing in your notice as he may be gone soon. Of course if you feel you are due a change of job anyway, then this is definitely the time to do it. NO doubt when his wife calms down he may come back sniffing at your door, so be prepared. Men in 19 yo marriages rarely leave, as they have far too much to lose. He was happy with an OW, and basically said anything to keep you on board. He doesn't need another wife, he already has one of those. Please do not waste another second on this man, he is not worth your love. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 He has killed me... How do i deal with having to work across from him now? I hate him. I want him to pay for what he did. This is the second time she finds out he has cheated & takes him back. But he has cheated 4 other times before. Sounds like your "jerk radar" was a bit off. He's already had two affairs, and will likely go on to have another. You dodged a bullet, and you could have never really trusted him. btw- stop stalking him, reading personal mail and digging for his phone number. If you keep that up, you may find yourself in hot water. Don't give him that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 There was an envelope unsealed on his desk and yes i opened it because as weird as it sounds something drew me to it. I didnt think when we started i just literally fell in love and believed... Never again. I pray he never comes back to me in any way. He is the devil. I even had access to the mans debit card and one year she was away with the kids and her mom, he actually took me to their house and i slept in their bed. Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I didnt think when we started i just literally fell in love and believed... Never again. I pray he never comes back to me in any way. He is the devil. I even had access to the mans debit card and one year she was away with the kids and her mom, he actually took me to their house and i slept in their bed. Then tell his wife exactly what you just wrote. Problem solved. You will never have to deal with him again. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Sorry for your pain, OP. It sounds like when you gave him an ultimatum--leave by the end of the year or take a break from the affair, the cheating coward rolled out his well-oiled breakup machine. He confessed to his wife and asked her to do his dirty work for him. He also left a conveniently placed note making it clear that you weren't his long-term plan. Now he doesn't have to deal with you trying to rekindle things. As soon as the dust settles, no doubt he'll be on to #6 (or whatever number he's up to) attending her church and swearing all sorts of promises on her bibles about how he's a changed man in a terrible marriage. He was lying to his wife of twenty years. No reason to think a cheat, no less a five-time cheat, who probably has his act fine-tuned to a science, would be completely honest with you. He's had at least four other affairs and affair breakups for practice. New year. New you. Learn from the experience and avoid married men, no matter how heart-wrenching their marital woes, how special they claim their connection to you is, or how wonderful they appear to be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 ...and one year she was away with the kids and her mom, he actually took me to their house and i slept in their bed. OK so after she returned I guess he turfed you out again. Did not that alert you to think he was not that serious about you? How did he explain that away? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 I know im having a really hard time forgiving me above all and being non judgemental of him when i should have been..he even confided in me that he had a threesome with his best friends & his best friend 6 yrs into his marriage Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 (edited) Then tell his wife exactly what you just wrote. Problem solved. You will never have to deal with him again. Block and delete. No doubt, he's already painted you as this conniving co-worker who pursued him relentlessly and refused to take no for an answer. When you mention his debit card, he'll just claim you stole it from him and are now trying to do anything to grasp at continuing the affair that he chose to end and break up his marriage. If he voluntarily confessed to his wife, and I suspect he did and gave her your phone number, then he has some credibility with her. You, the stranger who refused to corroborate anything, but continued to try to reach him after she contacted you, do not. Remember, this isn't his first rodeo. It's over. He's not worth another minute of your time. Certainly not after his bold-faced lies on your bible. Just remove him from your life. Edited January 3, 2017 by angel.eyes 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 There was an envelope unsealed on his desk and yes i opened it because as weird as it sounds something drew me to it. I didnt think when we started i just literally fell in love and believed... Never again. I pray he never comes back to me in any way. He is the devil. I even had access to the mans debit card and one year she was away with the kids and her mom, he actually took me to their house and i slept in their bed. I understand that you are in great pain and you need to vent right now. As you move through the stages of healing you will come to realize that he isn't the devil, he doesn't have that much power. He's just a small selfish man who told a bunch of lies that you chose to accept and believe because that suited your goals. He didn't force to take his debit card or to sleep in his wife's bed. Those choices were yours as much as his. I'm sorry you feel so bad but the best way to healing and then personal power is to realize that you always had power and choices. I've been down the path of making bad decisions and then trying to place the blame for my own choices on someone else. I can't explain exactly why, but there is something freeing about accepting responsibility for our own decisions even if it means we have to share the blame. I guess it's just more empowering to think "I made poor decisions that led me here but now I can learn and make better choices" rather than "I'm a victim who is powerless and without choices." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 I do share the blame its why im so angry i should have left so long ago Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 So sorry for your pain ML. This guy takes lying and cheating to an all new low. Girl, the red flags were flapping and waving about but you didn't see any of them. You were affair # (insert number here) and that really should have sounded some kind of alarm. He must be a skilled and proficient liar. The tangled web of his lies will unravel once you move further out of this A. Five years is a huge chunk of your life and this will take some time to heal. Be kind to yourself. For your own sanity, do not let this snake back into your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marilu2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 I do want his web of lies to unravel in his life and with her.. I want him to pay for what hes done to everyone. I want her to know the whole truth that shes been kept from but not by me... I will not stoop that low Link to post Share on other sites
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