This is my story ( and I have a question)

[Sybille]

So, I'm out of lurking. I'm Sybille and I'm 36 and I am the other woman, I’ve been the other woman for the past 5 years. English is not my first language so pardon me for any future mistakes.

 

I confess I have been lurking for a while and I have been amazed at how *similar* most of the stories from OW/OM are. We’ve all been in the same situations, facing the same dilemmas. So reading your stories has helped me to understand and comprehend, which, although maybe useless, is what I want to most, to understand WHY do you end up in these tangled relationships.

 

This is my story, and maybe you'll find it interesting.

For many years, I was a career girl. I worked in the music business 24/7 as a PA to a famous singer. It sounds glamourous, I know, but actually, you’re no more than ‘personal slave’ to somebody. Nevertheless, I worked hard and I was busy enough so not to think I also was in my 30s and with no partner. Actually, I had never had one. Weird I know. I guess I’ve always been the ‘fat girl’ you don’t ask out under any circumstances unless you need to win a bet or something. Well, to make a long story short, after many years in the big city, I started getting fed up of the entertainment business and its lifestyle and at the same time my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. I packed and decided it was time to go home.

 

I settled back home and found a job. That’s when HE entered the picture. He came to me sent from my new boss because he’s about to leave for London on business for a couple of weeks and his English is quite rusty, and I am supposed to help him practising a little bit. I say ok. I immediately think he’s the most pretentious, stupid man I ever had to deal with. I’m quite positive he thought the same of me. Then one evening, after the lesson, he asks me to keep him company for a while because he’s waiting to pick up his daughter from dance class, and I do. We end up talking about my being fat and his being super fit. He tells me his story. He was a tall, handsome volleyball player with no interest in school. He wasn’t *very smart* (his own words) just very handsome and very sporty. I guess he thought his looks would get him far in life.

 

He had a super cute, super wealthy girlfriend. She gets pregnant, they get married. Soon, he’s 21, working in a bank (thanks to daddy) and with a baby boy. They are living in her parent’s house. A fabulous villa, but, still, her parent’s house and not their own home. They argue all the time about the house. One evening, in a bout of rage, he slams the door and he’s gone. They start living separately and, way too soon, he meets another girl. She’s even more beautiful than the wealthy girlfriend. She models, she dances. She, too, thinks her looks will get her very far in life. But with more determination, I guess. She has 5 other siblings, and she has to make a life for herself. I guess he was her best choice. He’s wealthier that she’ll ever be. Faster than you could blink, woman number two is in his life. She makes him feel young again : she has loads of friends, endless parties and clubs to go, she is funny.

 

So, girlfriend number one is only a bad dream, and the baby boy is a nice toy to play with at weekends but with no serious responsibilities. He divorces and marries girlfriend number two. Yet, years inevitably go by and girlfriend number 2 starts getting older. She settles for an ordinary job as secretary, and they have 3 beautiful daughters but that, apparently, isn’t enough. For both of them. He is a womanizer, and it doesn’t take long for him to find one night stands and occasional lovers in a row; as for her, the more he cheats, the more she takes it out on their girls. She loves the girls, but she hates the responsibilities that come with being a mother. She likes going out with her friends, with the girls tagging along, sleeping on the sofas, spending weekends at the sea and shopping at the mall.

 

But helping them to do their homework, taking them to school in time, preparing a meal that’s not out of a can, well that’s apparently too much. So, they end up accusing each other: he is a cheater, she is an irresponsible mother. Their routine is that of a dysfunctional family, she’s constantly out with her girlfriends in the evening and he becomes almost their sole caretaker. At the same time he keeps on cheating no stop with so many girls he hardly can match names and faces anymore.

 

That’s when *I* entered the picture myself. I was 32 and never been kissed. All my life had been hard studying and work. No play at all. I listened to him and I pitied a man who truly believed beauty was the only value to consider when you looked at another human being. He once candidly told me “If we had been in school together, I would have tormented you because you are so ugly. I am bastard” He was serious. I told him I was accustomed to that. I had been mocked all the time by boys as he had been. We started talking for months and months to no end. We told each other our life stories, like we had never done before. I told him about my horrible school years, he told me about his father who beat him and his sisters and their mother, about his girlfriends and lovers. I told him about the books, the travels, the museums I visited along the years. We were different as light from dark. A few friends warned me but I scorned it off. I was fat and clumsy. I guess I felt like I had an invisible shield around me. Now I know I was wrong.

 

As for him, he literally forced me to go to the gym with him and do some workout. “At least, you’ll be slim and ugly and not fat and ugly” he told me once. After 6 months, we shared our first kiss. After that I lost about 77 pounds. People didn’t even recognize me in the street. There was somebody else inside me and he took that girl out, for better or worse. I am stronger and also more vulnerable if know what I mean.

 

Five years have gone by and here we are. We have been through thick and thin and I’ve been the other woman for these past years. He has changed, and I have changed, but deep down we are still worlds apart. He still thinks that a charming smile will get you anywhere, I still prefer sticking to the rules and think hard work will be somehow rewarded. Sometimes I feel like I am living an endless rerun of The Way we Were, where I do not have the guts that Streisand had.

 

I tried to finish it different times, but I am the living proof that his charming smile works better than anything else. I’ve never managed to stay away from him for more than 24 hours. He’s everything I’ve always discarded, he’s selfish, he’s blunt. He has no idea of the things I loved for the past 30 years. Tell him about a book I’ve read, a film I’ve loved and he’ll roll his eyes at me and will be like “Please not another of your senseless love stories” and then I’ll laugh and I’ll welcome his light hearted ways. He taught me to be stronger, he taught me there’s beauty in me too. He taught me to live here and now and, as much as I regret it, that life is not Jane Austen’s or The Bronte’s book.

 

His wife knows everything, and I guess now she’s fine with that. She attacked me at the very beginning, and told me “His longest affair was 6 months, you’re too ugly to last even 6 days”. Now that I’ve been here for 5 years, she has clearly told me we can do everything as long as he remains her husbands. This means we can go out to dinner once a week, spend every Saturday morning together and steal every other moment in between ( usually we go for a super quick coffee together before work and that’s it). And after five years this is too much pain to bear.

 

I cry a lot. How do you go through all the Sundays and the Christmas and the holidays? He won’t leave, not now in any case, he told me clearly. For all the usual reason which are only *partly* true, e.g. kids too young, not enough money. He said we’ll eventually end up together but I am very well aware the only option I have is for his wife to kick him out. And she won’t ever do that. She’s super fine with this. He is the sole caretaker of the kids basically. He even goes grocery shopping. She clearly knows how to get what she wants. I am stuck here, instead. Waiting for a miracle that won’t happen.

 

The realistic part of me loves him, the dreamer still thinks someday Darcy will magically appear in her life. So, where do I stand? I feel tremendously lonely, every time he chooses anything or anyone over me, I feel like zero. Nothing.

 

Still, I do not have the guts to walk away. For the ones who did, HOW exactly did you make it?

Edited January 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and accentuate topic

[BuddyX]

I've already wrote this a dozen times. It proves your OMM is not a snowflake and there's nothing special about your situation.

 

Quote from a previous LS member.

 

"They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?"

 

Not going to lie, 5 years is a lot. Time to go NC and cold turkey. You know that once you give him the boot, he'll just find someone to replace you. Umm, let that sink in.

 

Do not make anyone a priority when you're nothing but an option to them.

[anika99]

There is no painless way out of this situation. You will end this when the pain of staying in this situation outweighs the pain of leaving it.

[sadgirl17]

What are the real issues that stop you from breaking up with him? Please be honest with us. Given your post, is it because of the fear you'll end up alone again and can't find anyone else to replace him? Or is it to do with how charming he is and how much you loves him? Or a combination of both?

Edited January 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove full quote of starting post

[BluesPower]

Start dating and take another lover.

 

I mean he is why should you not?

 

You think your ugly because what, pretty boy says so? Not the case I am betting. And believe me, beauty is actually only skin deep.

 

It is always want is on the inside that makes the difference. Allow yourself to date other men. It does not have to be serious. Learn about men an relationships.

 

This will at least occupy your time. Maybe you will find another love that will allow you to move on. And for sure you need some therapy to work on your self esteem.

 

You are as beautiful as you feel you are. Work on making you happy. And soon you will be able to move from this relationship to a real happier relationship.

 

Take care of you. If you don't, no one else will...

[whichwayisup]

There is no painless way out of this situation. You will end this when the pain of staying in this situation outweighs the pain of leaving it.

 

Agree with this. That and do counseling to help you be strong and so you can heal in a healthy way.

 

I disagree about dating others right now. You're not ready and any man won't compare. Work on reconnecting with your close women friends and spend time with family and friends who make you feel good about yourself. Rely on them to help you through this.