Do you feel compassion for your OM's wife?

[Ahurtgirl]

I tend to vent on here about everything I am going through and depending on the day, I feel everything from heartache that almost kills me, to rage, anger, lots of tears, feeling betrayed by xMM, and at times indifference to a feeling of it being all in the past and forgotten.

 

However, one thing I have always felt in my heart is compassion for his wife. When it all started four years ago, I kept asking him if he absolutely did not love his wife and that before he pursues something with me, he should really try to fix things with her but he was just coming out of an affair with his coworker and his wife was working 12 hour days with one hour commute both ways so since she was gone 14 hours a day and he was a VP at a bank, he only was working 8 hour days and had all the responsibilities to take care of their then 4 and 7 year old. He said he tried but she just pushed him away. He said she didn't love him.

I begged him to make it work for his kids.

 

Then I would hear her say she loved him and he would say it back. I asked him over and over that if he loves her, to not pursue anything with me. I tried to walk away so many times at first. He literally would end up in almost tears, beg me to stay in his life, and so I always gave in. But I always felt so much compassion for her. I didn't understand why he was doing this, how could any human being do this, why would he pursue me, and so on.

Then I fell in love with him. I seriously loved him, we had major fights over so many things, it was not an easy affair but we loved each other so much. We had our differences but we always worked through them. But I kept wondering why he was doing this. Then she switched jobs and was home 6 more hours every day. He started pulling away from me. My heart was so involved. Then d day happened. I was and am still extremely devestated and hurt, damaged. But I never stopped feeling compassion for his wife. I wanted to walk away before my heart strings got tangled in their mess of a marriage but he wouldn't let me go.

Do you also feel compassion, seeing her as a woman also and wanting him to do better and be an honorable man to his wife?

 

I know I can come across as not caring about her because I do hold all three of us accountable in some shape and form, but seriously, I have always felt he was not treating her right and felt awful I was a part of it. (From my understanding she was having an emotional affair as well but I still felt bad for her.)

Edited January 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[S2B]

Actions tell what any person feels.

 

It's hard to believe you have compassion for his wife while you are screwing her husband.

 

Those words and actions contradict each other.

 

IF you felt compassion for her you would end the affair.

 

Are you sure you're honest with yourself?

[jennifernyc84]

I actually just addressed this in my previous post.

 

I recently ended the A with MM, and I don't and never have felt any kind of remorse for his W at all.

 

Does that make me a bad person? I feel bad for not feeling bad.

 

I don't know. I guess I am kind of selfish. The pain and suffering that he put me through was all I could feel. There wasn't any room left to feel bad for anyone else but myself.

 

That's how I feel.

[Ahurtgirl]

He was a champion at manipulating circumstances to get what he wanted so I know right now he is manipulating her by showering her with the same affection and attention he charmed me with. I hope she is smarter than I was to realize he is unable to love anyone but himself. I don't want her to get hurt again and I have no doubt he will cheat on her again in the future if she stays.

[Whisper Quiet]

I would like to apologize for my part of the A but I am not sure if that would be welcomed. What if an apology from me causes pain and anguish to her or causes her post-D progress to backslide?

 

Hopefully there will be an opportunity for me to offer my apology.

[Satu]

Let's not forget:

 

"My wife doesn't understand me. We haven't had sex in years. We don't even sleep in the same bed. We're like roommates. She'd do something crazy if I left her. The kids are the only thing keeping me there. She hates me. I can't wait for the day I can leave her, and be with you."

 

Don't forget who the real victim is.

 

It's always him.

[ladydesigner]

Let's not forget:

 

"My wife doesn't understand me. We haven't had sex in years. We don't even sleep in the same bed. We're like roommates. She'd do something crazy if I left her. The kids are the only thing keeping me there. She hates me. I can't wait for the day I can leave her, and be with you."

 

Don't forget who the real victim is.

It's always him.

 

I got the best chuckle out of this

[gettingstronger]

Honestly and gently as a BS, in my mind if you gave a crap you wouldn't have been involved in any of those situations that lead up to the affair. A ring or knowing someone is married would have been enough for you to draw a hardline from minute one. And yes, I feel the same way about my WS, if he valued us he never would have put himself in the position he did.

[heartwhole]

First and foremost, you should have compassion for yourself and avoid putting yourself in situations that compromise your values and have a high probability of causing pain and embarrassment.

 

Then, you should have compassion on the man you claim to love and refuse to be an accomplice in his causing pain and embarrassment in his own life. If he's worthy of you, he'll exit his marriage with as much grace as possible before asking you to be in a relationship with him.

 

Lastly, yes, you should have compassion on the man's wife, and decide that another person's pain is not an acceptable price for you getting what you want (and that thing that you think you want almost always isn't, anyway).

 

I try to live by the golden rule, and to consider the lives of others as important as my own. I don't try to get my kid into the best class because that simply means someone else's kid pays the price. I don't send my kids to school after they've thrown up even no one would know and I need the peace and quiet because I have no right to endanger others without their knowledge. And so on and so forth. It's all well and good to claim that you have compassion for others, but if you don't make choices in the best interest of others even when it bums you out or inconveniences you or means you don't get the shiny thing you want, then you can't claim to have it. A warm fuzzy feeling isn't the same thing.

 

As for the OW, at first I felt enormous compassion for her. I didn't have any clue why she thought a secret relationship with my husband was a good idea for her life, but I knew my husband led her on and I felt terrible about it. I felt responsible as his wife. When she would post about her pain and sorrow, my heart would sink and I'd feel bad for her. But as time passed, and she just kept on publicly posting as though it was completely tragic and unavoidable that the affair ended and caused her sorrow, my compassion petered out. She recently got injured doing a sport she loves and posted a photo of her bloodied face and an announcement that she'll have to stop the sport unless she gets surgery, and I didn't feel sad. I felt a twinge of "serves you right." Does that mean I'm not a compassionate person? No, because the choices I make are respectful. I would never act in such a way as to cause her harm.

 

I'm not just sitting on my high horse here. This is really how I live. In the aftermath of DD I thought about reaching out to my high school boyfriend to boost my self-esteem, but I thought about his welfare, and what I could offer him (nothing but mischief and harm), and that stopped me. Even though it would have felt good. Even though it would have been fun, for a time.

 

Really, I don't think it matters in the end if you feel really really bad for the BW, or if you feel nothing at all. We can't help how we feel. I think what matters is the code by which you live. I'd choose a person with neutral feelings toward me who treats me with respect over a person who claims to be full of compassion and pity but who craps all over me any day.

[heartwhole]

I would like to apologize for my part of the A but I am not sure if that would be welcomed. What if an apology from me causes pain and anguish to her or causes her post-D progress to backslide?

 

Hopefully there will be an opportunity for me to offer my apology.

 

If this is on your heart, then personally I would do it. I would gladly accept an apology from the OW, and I would be glad to know that it stuck with her and she regretted it. That would be much better than thinking she got to sail away scot-free while we had to rebuild the tattered remnants of our marriage.

 

I think apologies are important. I pressed my husband to apologize to the OW, too. Unfortunately, he was so anxious to make sure that his apology didn't trigger me that it was pretty much a non-apology; I doubt it gave her any closure other than to quash any hope she might have had of him coming back. I think if he were to do it today it would be a better apology, as the more time that passes, the more he's able to face and own his remorse.

 

Anyway, I can't know for sure how anyone else would react, but I would appreciate an apology, even if it's just to my husband saying "I made bad choices and that caused damage and I'm sorry."

[cocorico]

 

Do you also feel compassion, seeing her as a woman also and wanting him to do better and be an honorable man to his wife?

 

 

Compassion - not really. I felt pity.

 

I felt she had never had any sense of agency in her life. She always held others responsible for everything - first her parents, for her unhappy childhood. Then her first H, who failed to rescue her properly from her own unhappiness, and who offered her only boredom - forcing her to seek salvation from an adolescent lover. Then, when her BH kicked her out and she moved in with her fOM, he was to blame for everything from bad weather to her dropping out of her studies. When she fell pregnant "by accident" and miscarried, he was to blame because he'd never wanted kids (they'd agreed...). When she fell pregnant "by accident" again and he wasn't thrilled, he was to blame for not changing his mind, as she had without telling him. When he married her, he was to blame for turning her into an oppressed, boring (i.e. Married) woman. When her OM dumped her, her BH was to blame for things not working out. When he took her back, he was to blame for doing it all wrong. When he finally fell in love with someone else, and left her, he was to blame for not having protected her against the evil world, as he'd promised he would back as a kid.

 

Living your life like that just seemed so sad to me. Losing your family, friends and kids through alienation - so unnecessary.

 

I do hope that one day she'll decide to make better choices, to accept agency, to learn to be happy.

[gettingstronger]

Compassion - not really. I felt pity.

 

I felt she had never had any sense of agency in her life. She always held others responsible for everything - first her parents, for her unhappy childhood. Then her first H, who failed to rescue her properly from her own unhappiness, and who offered her only boredom - forcing her to seek salvation from an adolescent lover. Then, when her BH kicked her out and she moved in with her fOM, he was to blame for everything from bad weather to her dropping out of her studies. When she fell pregnant "by accident" and miscarried, he was to blame because he'd never wanted kids (they'd agreed...). When she fell pregnant "by accident" again and he wasn't thrilled, he was to blame for not changing his mind, as she had without telling him. When he married her, he was to blame for turning her into an oppressed, boring (i.e. Married) woman. When her OM dumped her, her BH was to blame for things not working out. When he took her back, he was to blame for doing it all wrong. When he finally fell in love with someone else, and left her, he was to blame for not having protected her against the evil world, as he'd promised he would back as a kid.

 

Living your life like that just seemed so sad to me. Losing your family, friends and kids through alienation - so unnecessary.

 

I do hope that one day she'll decide to make better choices, to accept agency, to learn to be happy.

 

 

None of that excuses starting a relationship without ending the previous relationship. Interesting to me how accountable you hold your husbands ex-w for his inability to not do the basic- end his marriage first.

[gettingstronger]

I would like to apologize for my part of the A but I am not sure if that would be welcomed. What if an apology from me causes pain and anguish to her or causes her post-D progress to backslide?

 

Hopefully there will be an opportunity for me to offer my apology.

 

For me, the only thing I needed from our OW was to never intrude in our lives again. If you're doing that, not intruding, you are doing your part and should be commended.

[Bittersweetie]

I actually just addressed this in my previous post.

 

I recently ended the A with MM, and I don't and never have felt any kind of remorse for his W at all.

 

Does that make me a bad person? I feel bad for not feeling bad.

 

I don't know. I guess I am kind of selfish. The pain and suffering that he put me through was all I could feel. There wasn't any room left to feel bad for anyone else but myself.

 

That's how I feel.

 

When I was in my A (and I was married myself) I didn't really think about AP's W at all. She was a non-entity to me; she was my AP's issue, not mine. Let's be real here...if I couldn't care about what I was doing to my own H, I wasn't going to care about AP's W. I only cared about myself.

 

Now, after many years of introspection and perspective, I do feel bad for his wife. I have no idea whether she knew about me, but regardless of that, I tried to shoehorn myself into their relationship and that was wrong. I helped undermine the foundation of their marriage. I did play a part, knowingly, even though I didn't want to see it at that time. Seeing the pain my own H went through after d-day, and knowing I did that to another person too, really humbled me.

 

I always thought I deserved happiness. And I've learned, I do...but not at someone else's expense.

[Midwestmissy]

I was pretty surprised that the cow was a married woman with 4 kids. I would have never crossed paths with her in any form in my life. She reached out a few times but I never engaged because I knew she would lie, plus I'd never wanted her in my life so I wasn't going to have her in after dday.

 

I think she and my wh played the victims in their marriages, and they were right there in the same company to catch each other and soothe each other from these sad marriages. But they threw 7 kids into a danger zone of uncertainty and that's beyond selfish. Especially since the bh and I were minding all these kids when they snuck off to commiserate about their sad lives.

 

I know my wh feels absolutely nothing about the bh, he's not sorry or compassionate towards him. She bashed him, but they were serial cheaters. And grossly, my wh never respected the ow, he wasn't going to respect her family. So I don't think she'd feel anything for me either.

 

In all honesty, when I've been hit on by men who knew I was married, I always found it insulting. I look like I'd toss my marriage away for a handsy stranger? It's not flattering.

[GollumsNightmare]

Confession. I knew the MM's wife. She knew me. I didn't really think about her during the A. Their M was a separate entity entirely so I just didn't think about it. I didn't think about how it affected my marriage or my BS, either. It was all so separate. (The only defense I have was my youth. I was 23 at the time.)

 

AFTER the A ended when he moved away, the guilt hit me full force. I felt extreme guilt for the next 30 years, guilt for what I did to my husband and what we did to his wife, even though neither found out back then. I heard years later that the MM and his BS divorced. Evidently, I was not the only OW, just one in a long string. The light bulb even went off about another girl he was having an affair with the same time as me - right under my nose! I was so naive.

 

Fast forward 30 years. I caught my H in bed with a friend of mine. At first, I understood in a way. It was gut wrenchingly painful, but I told him I still loved him. I even confessed to my A from 30 years before. He was pretty stunned. He had no idea.

 

He tried to explain to me that he didn't even think about me, the BS, during his 2 month A. He didn't think of the OBS, either, even though he was a friendly aquaintance of my H. OMG, that hurt. I knew what he meant. I had done the same thing. I had felt the same thing, but it was soul piercing to be on the receiving end of that kind of thought, or rather, LACK of thought by one's spouse.

 

We are reconciling. I see now how my guilt all of those years affected my health, my marriage, SO many decisions in my life because I didn't feel worthy of taking care of myself. The last 3 years have been about ripping our marriage completely apart and putting it back together. It has been effing brutal. BRUTAL, but beautiful at the same time. But I feel so STUPID for wasting so many years.

 

I don't wish that guilt on anyone. Forgive yourself. Take care of yourself. Move on. Make decisions in your life that don't hurt others. Live a kind, authentic, happy life. Don't let dumb decisions ruin the rest of your life.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I feel bad for BS that she has a husband who can't get an erection without 15 minutes of oral sex and then lasts 90 seconds.

 

Like Jennifer, I didn't really think of BS during the affair. xMM painted her as a horrible person and I had met her long ago and she was rude to my husband and myself. But I mean, I wasn't thinking of anyone, my own husband, my kids, my sanity...so why would I be concerned with her? I compartmentalized it well.

 

Today I feel bad on and off, more towards my husband and my own life. She's choosing to stay with him, she handled it quietly to not impact their careers. It wasn't a grand love affair, I was convenient, and he told me himself, once she relaxes in a few months, he's have more freedom to be back out there. I didn't make him cheat, he was looking for an affair for 5 years. I just bit.

 

I'm pretty sure xmm doesn't feel bad towards my husband.

[Onlywhenitrains]

In the first few months of the A, I didn't feel anything. That bothered me as I discovered part of myself that I didn't like or knew existed. I didn't develop feelings for him at the time, so wasn't really paying attention. Looking back, I still can't believe I was that person.

 

Few months into the A, and remaining time we were together (18+ months or so), I felt this huge sense of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. It comes back often, even to this day.

 

Still learning to live with bad choices I made and the A I participated in. It's hard, but I deserve it. Do the crime, do the time.

[ShatteredLady]

Recently, returning to England, I've reconnected with an old friend. When my 'first love' discovered this he asked her for my email. Over the years he's crossed my mind. We spent our formative years (15-21) together. I discussed it with my H & said "Yes!".

 

HUGE MISTAKE!! Pleasant catching-up emails turned into declarations of undying love very fast. Obviously, given my life experiences his long term girlfriend instantly came to mind. I shut him down BUT I haven't contacted her. I feel tremendous guilt. This has only just happened....

 

Anyway, it's been an interesting journey for me. I have some insight into the ego boost. Having a handsome musician/poet calling me "the one" & "The most beautiful, amazing blah blah blah..." doesn't feel bad if you don't really think about the consequences to others hearts & lives.

 

It could of been easy to think "he was mine first!", "He can't be 'happy' or he wouldn't be doing this!", "If she were satisfying his 'needs'....." BUT I KNOW that's all complete & utter bollocks!!! Isn't it?? Deep down somewhere inside does everyone know that life's not really like that? Not REALLY??

 

My H's OW did question his words. She was completely suckered by him. She had no way of knowing he was googling bible verse (he's an atheist) or lyrics to music he detested just to woo her. She had no way of knowing that it was my favorite wine, music, books etc that he sent her. She DID know that I was very sick & appeared to show compassion in some of the emails I read.

 

12 years ago she was so much younger. I question if she felt any guilt coming to my home, befriending me, allowing me to throw a birthday party for her whilst she was having an affair with my H. Did it just make it all more dangerous & exciting?

Why did she continue to reach out for 12 years though? Friendship?? Ego boost? She knew we had children! She was artificially inseminated with her own so she knows about motherhood....

 

To be honest she confuses me! I've always had very close girl friends & felt some kind of 'women's solidarity'. She's well aware that she's been complicit in shattering my life TWICE now!! I would actually appreciate an apology. It would help me restore some kind of faith in humankind that's very lacking at the moment.

 

I've thought of writing to her but.... I don't know! The human race disappoints me. I need to get my head in a better place. My body is relocated (back home in England after 18 years! Surreal!!) & my mind truly is starting to follow but....

 

I just wish the world was a more empathic place.

[Foreverago]

Ok, I'm going to be harsh here and kudos to every single person who admits to the not caring.

 

But a big old bull poop to feeling compassion to the betrayed spouse while also trying to poach from the relationship. Does anyone realize how self serving that sounds? You don't get karma points for a "oh poor wifey" while screwing their husbands. Yes, humans are a complicated sort, but this is just...not ok. Own your role. Hell, my reasons for leaving had zero to do with the wife. It was all about my own feelings.

 

If you felt compassion that actually meant something, one would walk away. I'd wager that most don't truly feel bad for the spouse, they may feel the guilt after it ends, but not during. Not while you are "suffering" from them going home at night.

 

And I'd wager, most spouses don't want your apologies. They want you to stay out their life and their marriage. This isn't a situation where you broke some material object. You helped their spouse hurt them emotionally. These type of apologies are also self serving to appease your own guilt. Just don't. Like seriously the classiest thing to do is go away and let them be.

 

Let's make 2017 a year for zero self pity and lying to oneself.

Edited December 29, 2016 by Foreverago

[ladydesigner]

Ok, I'm going to be harsh here and kudos to every single person who admits to the not caring.

 

But a big old bull poop to feeling compassion to the betrayed spouse while also trying to poach from the relationship. Does anyone realize how self serving that sounds? You don't get karma points for a "oh poor wifey" while screwing their husbands. Yes, humans are a complicated sort, but this is just...not ok. Own your role. Hell, my reasons for leaving had zero to do with the wife. It was all about my own feelings.

 

If you felt compassion that actually meant something, one would walk away. I'd wager that most don't truly feel bad for the spouse, they may feel the guilt after it ends, but not during. Not while you are "suffering" from them going home at night.

 

And I'd wager, most spouses don't want your apologies. They want you to stay out their life and their marriage. This isn't a situation where you broke some material object. You helped their spouse hurt them emotionally. These type of apologies are also self serving to appease your own guilt. Just don't. Like seriously the classiest thing to do is go away and let them be.

 

Let's make 2017 a year for zero self pity and lying to oneself.

 

Yep this^^^ is what probably ALL BS's feel like. I just wanted to add to the "You helped their spouse hurt AND ABUSE them emotionally and sexually. Affairs are emotionally and sexually abusive as well as traumatizing to a BS.

[Satu]

Yep this^^^ is what probably ALL BS's feel like. I just wanted to add to the "You helped their spouse hurt AND ABUSE them emotionally and sexually. Affairs are emotionally and sexually abusive as well as traumatizing to a BS.

 

Affairs always involve a "throwing of reason to the winds."

 

Hence the consequences.

[Poppy47]

I never gave his wife a thought, to be honest.

 

During the A, for me, it was as though he had no connections with the rest of the world... all very affair bubble stuff.

 

Now the A is over, it's still the same, only he has left the bubble. Sometimes I question whether he really existed at all. It seems like he only lived in my imagination.

 

I think I am a danger to my own sanity at times.

 

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I never gave his wife a thought, to be honest.

 

During the A, for me, it was as though he had no connections with the rest of the world... all very affair bubble stuff.

 

Now the A is over, it's still the same, only he has left the bubble. Sometimes I question whether he really existed at all. It seems like he only lived in my imagination.

 

I think I am a danger to my own sanity at times.

 

Poppy.

 

I totally relate to this. I believe it is your mind protecting itself. Your subconscious is wiping the slate clean.

[Poppy47]

I totally relate to this. I believe it is your mind protecting itself. Your subconscious is wiping the slate clean.

 

Ha. Maybe my mind is wiser than I thought Blue.

 

Poppy.