Jump to content

Confessions Of The Other Woman


cinnamonapples86

Recommended Posts

cinnamonapples86

This is my first time being in a "situationship" where I am involved with a man who has a girlfriend. It didn't start off that way. He was newly single and we dated for a few months but he was not over her yet so him and his ex tried to work things out but he didn't want to let me go so they got back together to see if they can give it another shot and he continues to see me at the same time.

 

Being the "other woman" has made me realize something about myself that I never knew before. That I am oddly comfortable and ok in this situation. I was someone who had been cheated on before so I always hated the idea of women knowingly being involved with taken men so to see how I am handling this is even shocking to both him and myself. He told me that he never thought in a million years that I'd agree to this but he is equally as shocked that he's cheating on her. He told me I had some strange pull over him that he can't explain. He's tries to end it and a few times I tried to but he always calls me back two days later saying he needs me in his life.

 

The first thing is that I did fall in love with him and I believe he has done the same. His actions are not of a man who is getting something on the side. He is completely and fully engaged in my life like a partner.

 

 

Another strange thing is that I notice that I feel more relaxed then I have ever felt in previous relationships. And here's why:

 

 

1.) As the other woman, he is always 100% honest with me about everything so we have open and excellent communication and it surprisingly built a lot of trust between us. He tells me that he could talk to me about anything. When I was the GF I was getting lied to constantly and we'd argue because I knew he was a full of **** liar and it broke down our trust and communication.

 

 

2.) As the other woman our sex life is always wild, passionate, adventurous and fun! He wanted to do all the things his gf wouldn't let him do and I felt desired and sexually liberated enough to do it with him. Our sexual openness created a lot of trust between us. When I was the gf, I cared too much about my image as his "good girl" and he never wanted to ask me to do certain things because he felt it was disrespectful. We both ended up being unfulfilled in our sex lives.

 

 

3.) As the other woman, things never get boring or dull between us. We never spend enough time around each other to create any routines. Our conversations are always new and interesting. All the anticipation always keeps things fresh. He tells me that he is more excited and happy to see me than he is to see her. As the gf, we lived together, saw each other every day and things started to get...boring and predictable. We fell into a routine and no matter how hard we tried to break it, it just felt forced.

 

 

4.) As the other woman, my expectations of him are not very high so we never argued about anything because as much as I love him, I know I couldn't let my emotions get too carried away so there is nothing to ever overreact to. No overreacting to missed calls or unanswered text messages, no overreacting about where he is and who he is with...and I DEFINITELY could never get mad about him being with her. It was not my place to do so so I never did. So we NEVER argued about anything! NOT ONCE! As a result, he just naturally started to do more stuff with me. He also felt more and more comfortable with me. As the gf, I had high expectations and high standards that he always needed to meet. He needed to spend time, call me regularly, tell me what he's doing and when, and he definitely couldn't be with other women. This created tension and arguments.

 

 

5) It is impossible for me to "lose myself" in the relationship as the other woman. I knew the situation so it gave me more time to focus on myself, and my career, and detach from him when necessary. I could go freely live my life without feeling obligated to him in any way. As the gf, we both lost ourselves in our relationship. Both of our worlds revolved around each other. This also caused us to start to dislike each other.

 

 

The only bad thing about being the other woman is that you don't get any recognition amongst family. You don't get invites to special family events, holidays, work events, and you don't meet all the important people in his life. But besides that, you get everything else that she gets--minus the lies. You get better communication, better sex, you get the financial support, you get the sweet treatment, you get trips, and you get a more open and honest relationship.

 

 

I guess it's strange for me to see how easily I fit into this role with very little complaints. People like to blame it on low self esteem or low value but I definitely don't have low self esteem. I just don't follow the same rules that society has taught us all to follow and that's okay. Why do I HAVE to care about another woman if all my needs are being met? Sure, I can find someone else and when I meet a good replacement I will be faithful to him but for now, I have the man I want. And he gives me everything I ask for. He's always available for me and he is good to me.

 

 

I'm just wondering if any other women feel similarly or am I the weirdo here?

Link to post
Share on other sites
CommittedToThis
he is always 100% honest with me

 

Apparently you've either met the rare man who easily lies to his girlfriend but is 100% honest with you, or your head is completely in the sand.

 

Regardless, since you have no feelings for him and it's all about your needs being met, why would you even care about honesty?

 

Caring about stuff like that reveals you are perhaps a bit more emotionally invested in this cheating man than you care to admit.

 

Or I'm wrong and you're totally happy and you're just here looking for validation.

 

To me, personally and without judgement, I think you are completely falling for this guy; I'm reading your post as a series of justifications for cheating with a guy who already has a girlfriend.

 

Whatever, enjoy it while it lasts because eventually, the girlfriend is going to find out and the s*it's gonna hit the fan, and it'll be blowing directly at you.

 

It doesn't smell very pleasant. All the best to you.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
cinnamonapples86

When did I say I didn't care about him? You might have missed the part where I said I was in love with him....but ok.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
CommittedToThis
When did I say I didn't care about him? You might have missed the part where I said I was in love with him....but ok.

 

I did miss that part; you're screwed literally and figuratively. This won't end well.

 

All the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
cinnamonapples86
Apparently you've either met the rare man who easily lies to his girlfriend but is 100% honest with you, or your head is completely in the sand.

 

Regardless, since you have no feelings for him and it's all about your needs being met, why would you even care about honesty?

 

Caring about stuff like that reveals you are perhaps a bit more emotionally invested in this cheating man than you care to admit.

 

Or I'm wrong and you're totally happy and you're just here looking for validation.

 

To me, personally and without judgement, I think you are completely falling for this guy; I'm reading your post as a series of justifications for cheating with a guy who already has a girlfriend.

 

Whatever, enjoy it while it lasts because eventually, the girlfriend is going to find out and the s*it's gonna hit the fan, and it'll be blowing directly at you.

 

It doesn't smell very pleasant. All the best to you.

 

You're not a weirdo.

 

But you're making up a lot of things to make you feel better about what you're doing.

 

It's kinda sad.

 

LOL So what am I "making up"? What do I have to lie about? That's so dumb and stupid to lie about the situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
cinnamonapples86
I did miss that part; you're screwed literally and figuratively. This won't end well.

 

All the best.

 

Can we as humans guarantee that anything will end well? Let's say I met him the right way and we fell in love the right way. Could I guarantee 100% that that situation wouldn't end up screwed up either? NO. I was engaged to be married and it all started off perfectly (just like how society says it should) and guess what... that ended horribly! There are no guarantees in life. The only thing I can pay attention to is how I feel and if it starts to feel bad then I will leave.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
CommittedToThis

You're in love with a man who has another girlfriend he puts before you, but you are happy being the other woman and the "bad side" of it (ie. no one can know about your illicit affair).

 

I'm cool with that, as long as you're having fun, I see no problem other than you are cheating with a committed man and eventually you're gonna get either dumped, busted, or married to the dude.

 

Sounds like a fun future. All the best.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

The social code is in place for a reason. It's not something designed to hold you down, it's there to hold you accountable to be part of society. Your choice to break it, but blame you- not the code.

 

If being second works for you, there's not much anyone can say.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
cinnamonapples86
You're in love with a man who has another girlfriend he puts before you, but you are happy being the other woman and the "bad side" of it (ie. no one can know about your illicit affair).

 

I'm cool with that, as long as you're having fun, I see no problem other than you are cheating with a committed man and eventually you're gonna get either dumped, busted, or married to the dude.

 

Sounds like a fun future. All the best.

 

I don't think it's about him putting her before me. He has chosen to give their relationship another shot but he doesn't dismiss me ever. He even cancelled going to see her parents on Christmas so that I could travel with him on Christmas weekend (since he has to work on the holiday). So no, I wouldn't say its a situation where she is getting the better deal. I'm not cheating on anyone, he's the one who claims to be committed, not me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It appears no one is married here and a non-marital relationship broke up and there was some dating during that time and the guy is now dating his ex as well. All is fair in love and war.

 

OP, I get the responses. I used to have all these rules about never even thinking about dating anyone unless they were absolutely and verifiably single. Meanwhile, other men were snatching up partners departing from husbands and boyfriends because they knew, and I was ignorant of, all being fair in love and war. Nothing illegal about stealing someone else's partner or simply pursuing what one wants to success. All adults have free will and associate with whomever they choose. Sure, some clearly define relationship boundaries and have a very regimented view of relationships as I did for a long time. In the real world, the battle, it got me nowhere.

 

If you don't like the idea of him 'cheating', easy to fix. Simply disclose. Done. Get the battle or, if you prefer, competition, out in the open. We gussy it up with all kinds of niceties but mating really is a competition, one to propagate the species and make us immortal, potentially. That and sexual pleasure itself is a strong draw and motivator.

 

Oh, on the honesty thing, everyone lies. Not all the time but whenever it benefits them sufficiently. He didn't suddenly alter his veracity due to a relationship change. He changed, if he changed (we can't read his mind so have no idea) to benefit himself. If truth benefits him, he does that. If lying benefits him, he does that. Pure id.

 

Enjoy the ride. There's always another guy out there once this one has run his course.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
cinnamonapples86
The social code is in place for a reason. It's not something designed to hold you down, it's there to hold you accountable to be part of society. Your choice to break it, but blame you- not the code.

 

If being second works for you, there's not much anyone can say.

 

But who gets to challenge the relevancy and effectiveness of these social codes? I don't think it's about blame but about looking at them objectively.

 

It's not about being second. There are a lot of girlfriends and wives who are really just glorified silver or bronze medals because the person they really wanted to marry isn't with them. Don't make it seem like having titles means that you are valued as such.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel that way often. Almost 5 years in and we have never fought. Disagreed but not fought. We have open communication, I never feel neglected or lied to .. I'm happy how it is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
cinnamonapples86
It appears no one is married here and a non-marital relationship broke up and there was some dating during that time and the guy is now dating his ex as well. All is fair in love and war.

 

OP, I get the responses. I used to have all these rules about never even thinking about dating anyone unless they were absolutely and verifiably single. Meanwhile, other men were snatching up partners departing from husbands and boyfriends because they knew, and I was ignorant of, all being fair in love and war. Nothing illegal about stealing someone else's partner or simply pursuing what one wants to success. All adults have free will and associate with whomever they choose. Sure, some clearly define relationship boundaries and have a very regimented view of relationships as I did for a long time. In the real world, the battle, it got me nowhere.

 

If you don't like the idea of him 'cheating', easy to fix. Simply disclose. Done. Get the battle or, if you prefer, competition, out in the open. We gussy it up with all kinds of niceties but mating really is a competition, one to propagate the species and make us immortal, potentially. That and sexual pleasure itself is a strong draw and motivator.

 

Oh, on the honesty thing, everyone lies. Not all the time but whenever it benefits them sufficiently. He didn't suddenly alter his veracity due to a relationship change. He changed, if he changed (we can't read his mind so have no idea) to benefit himself. If truth benefits him, he does that. If lying benefits him, he does that. Pure id.

 

Enjoy the ride. There's always another guy out there once this one has run his course.

 

Thanks!! I like the way you think! I had a similar epiphany. These boundaries and rules kept things in order for those who benefited the most but they don't always help you win in the end. I'm sure one day it'll run it's course and I'll be on to someone better.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
. He is completely and fully engaged in my life like a partner.

 

How? You only get him part time. You are #2 in his life. He has a GF, and he doesn't care enough about you to make you the primary - how is that being fully engaged? What is your future like, what life are you planning with your partner - who has a different, primary partner?

 

Another strange thing is that I notice that I feel more relaxed then I have ever felt in previous relationships. And here's why:

 

 

1.) As the other woman, he is always 100% honest with me about everything so we have open and excellent communication and it surprisingly built a lot of trust between us. He tells me that he could talk to me about anything. When I was the GF I was getting lied to constantly and we'd argue because I knew he was a full of **** liar and it broke down our trust and communication.

 

Are you saying you were his GF before, or that your prior relationships were unhealthy? How do you know he is honest, when he is lying to his primary GF every single day? Look, I have been an OW (but was never foolish enough to fall in love) and I have been a cheater. For people like me, lying comes easily, I bet it does for him as well. He is probably better at it than you realize.

 

 

2.) As the other woman our sex life is always wild, passionate, adventurous and fun! He wanted to do all the things his gf wouldn't let him do and I felt desired and sexually liberated enough to do it with him. Our sexual openness created a lot of trust between us. When I was the gf, I cared too much about my image as his "good girl" and he never wanted to ask me to do certain things because he felt it was disrespectful. We both ended up being unfulfilled in our sex lives.

 

Okay - so you had repressive and unhealthy sex life within a relationship. One doesn't have to cheat to find these things. These aren't the product of an affair, but the cons were by products of poor communication / bad relationship.

 

 

4.) As the other woman, my expectations of him are not very high.

 

But all of your needs are being met? So, before you, I don't know, thought you deserved more, but now you are happy to settle for less?

 

 

The only bad thing about being the other woman is that you don't get any recognition amongst family. You don't get invites to special family events, holidays, work events, and you don't meet all the important people in his life. But besides that, you get everything else that she gets--minus the lies. You get better communication, better sex, you get the financial support, you get the sweet treatment, you get trips, and you get a more open and honest relationship.

 

You believe this is your path to happiness? That this is what you deserve?

 

Have you ever had a healthy relationship not built on lies?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory language
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger
But who gets to challenge the relevancy and effectiveness of these social codes? I don't think it's about blame but about looking at them objectively.

 

It's not about being second. There are a lot of girlfriends and wives who are really just glorified silver or bronze medals because the person they really wanted to marry isn't with them. Don't make it seem like having titles means that you are valued as such.

 

Reminds me of an overweight friend. She claims her weight is her little way of snubbing society. Claims to be ok with the extra weight, etc. likes to be able to eat what she wants and all that. However, just like you she seems to spend a lot of time justifying it, looking down on those of a healthy weight, etc. In the end she will be the one that suffers the long term effects of her choices. The rest of us just kind of nod and think, she says she good with it, but the constant professing and justifying says otherwise.

  • Like 14
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
cinnamonapples86
I feel that way often. Almost 5 years in and we have never fought. Disagreed but not fought. We have open communication, I never feel neglected or lied to .. I'm happy how it is.

 

So you are in a similar situation?

Link to post
Share on other sites
CommittedToThis
I don't think it's about him putting her before me. He has chosen to give their relationship another shot but he doesn't dismiss me ever.

 

He's giving the relationship with the other woman a shot, but he's not putting her before you.

 

I guess I will just have to scratch my head here because this makes about as much sense as Paris Hilton.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
eye of the storm
This is my first time being in a "situationship" where I am involved with a man who has a girlfriend. It didn't start off that way. He was newly single and we dated for a few months but he was not over her yet so him and his ex tried to work things out but he didn't want to let me go so they got back together to see if they can give it another shot and he continues to see me at the same time.

 

Being the "other woman" has made me realize something about myself that I never knew before. That I am oddly comfortable and ok in this situation. I was someone who had been cheated on before so I always hated the idea of women knowingly being involved with taken men so to see how I am handling this is even shocking to both him and myself. He told me that he never thought in a million years that I'd agree to this but he is equally as shocked that he's cheating on her. He told me I had some strange pull over him that he can't explain. He's tries to end it and a few times I tried to but he always calls me back two days later saying he needs me in his life.

 

The first thing is that I did fall in love with him and I believe he has done the same. His actions are not of a man who is getting something on the side. He is completely and fully engaged in my life like a partner. Except he isn't, he goes home to his partner.

 

 

Another strange thing is that I notice that I feel more relaxed then I have ever felt in previous relationships. And here's why:

 

 

1.) As the other woman, he is always 100% honest with me about everything so we have open and excellent communication and it surprisingly built a lot of trust between us. He tells me that he could talk to me about anything. When I was the GF I was getting lied to constantly and we'd argue because I knew he was a full of **** liar and it broke down our trust and communication. You were arguing all the time because he was trying to get back to his GF (see your first paragraph). And someone that lies all the time about you isn't going to be 100% honest with you. He has already shown he is willing to lie to you, because he did it when you were dating.

 

 

 

3.) As the other woman, things never get boring or dull between us. We never spend enough time around each other to create any routines. Because he spends his time with the person he values over you. Our conversations are always new and interesting. All the anticipation always keeps things fresh. He tells me that he is more excited and happy to see me than he is to see her. If that were true, he would dump her. As the gf, we lived together, saw each other every day and things started to get...boring and predictable. We fell into a routine and no matter how hard we tried to break it, it just felt forced. Many faithful couples have their own interests/ hobbies, and because they are still individuals in their own right when they come home to their spouse have fun and exciting things to talk about.

 

 

4.) As the other woman, my expectations of him are not very high so we never argued about anything because as much as I love him, I know I couldn't let my emotions get too carried away so there is nothing to ever overreact to. No overreacting to missed calls or unanswered text messages, no overreacting about where he is and who he is with...and I DEFINITELY could never get mad about him being with her. It was not my place to do so so I never did. So we NEVER argued about anything! NOT ONCE! As a result, he just naturally started to do more stuff with me. He also felt more and more comfortable with me. As the gf, I had high expectations and high standards that he always needed to meet. He needed to spend time, call me regularly, tell me what he's doing and when, and he definitely couldn't be with other women. This created tension and arguments. It is sad to me that you are happy about no longer having high standards. And of course he is doing more with you, you are willing to accept any attention for no cost. He could fart in your face and you would take it and ask for more.

 

 

5) It is impossible for me to "lose myself" in the relationship as the other woman. I knew the situation so it gave me more time to focus on myself, and my career, and detach from him when necessary. I could go freely live my life without feeling obligated to him in any way. As the gf, we both lost ourselves in our relationship. Both of our worlds revolved around each other. This also caused us to start to dislike each other. Just because you are dating someone full time does not mean you lose yourself. Unless there are co-dependent issues going on there.

 

 

The only bad thing about being the other woman is that you don't get any recognition amongst family. You don't get invites to special family events, holidays, work events, and you don't meet all the important people in his life. But besides that, you get everything else that she gets--minus the lies. You get better communication, better sex, you get the financial support, you get the sweet treatment, you get trips, and you get a more open and honest relationship. You don't get better treatment, you get leftovers. Im not going to touch the financial support comment, much as I want to. And since you are a secret that if found out would be lied about and thrown under the bus, it isn't an honest relationship.

 

 

I guess it's strange for me to see how easily I fit into this role with very little complaints. People like to blame it on low self esteem or low value but I definitely don't have low self esteem. I just don't follow the same rules that society has taught us all to follow and that's okay. Why do I HAVE to care about another woman if all my needs are being met? Sure, I can find someone else and when I meet a good replacement I will be faithful to him but for now, I have the man I want. And he gives me everything I ask for. He's always available for me and he is good to me.

 

 

I'm just wondering if any other women feel similarly or am I the weirdo here?

 

Cinnamon, part of being in an A is the lies. Not all of them come from the MM. We lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves we are ok with it. We claim we are happy. We tout the benefits.

 

Then we go home and wait. We wait until the MM is ready to take us out of the box we are stored in. While we are out, we wait to be put back in.

 

I had no issues with my A for the first few years. I could have written many of the pros in your post. I actually could write a few dozen more.

 

I have shelves and shelves of hand made crafts he made just for me. Beautiful woodwork. His W once posted she didn't know what he was doing with all the stuff he made, cause it never came in the house. But crafts, no matter how lovingly made did not make up for living in a box.

 

I got tired of waiting. I got tired of being a secret.

 

You will too one day. I will say the sooner you get out the better.

 

Good luck.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory language
  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds as if you are very happy with things as they are. As I have been a BS in the past I feel for his GF but she isn't the one who is posting, so hey...knock yourself out. But be aware that if and when you ever decide you want more the situation may become start to chafe a little. Are you prepared for that?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
But besides that, you get everything else that she gets--minus the lies. You get better communication, better sex, you get the financial support, you get the sweet treatment, you get trips, and you get a more open and honest relationship.

 

you're selling the -- being the OW is so much better than being the official partner - and i almost bought it... ALMOST being the key word. i found your story and points you're making quite interesting and even though i realize there are some OWs who really do feel comfortable being the OWs and are sometimes treated even BETTER than the official partner... i don't think that's the case here. of course, the logical question is - if you are so happy... where does the need to seek women similar with similar experiences come from? in most cases - it is not just curiousity.

 

the weirdest thing though... you didn't really choose to be the OW. you were kind of forced into that role (in my understanding) - he pretty much dated you, cheated on you, dumped you for someone else & then convinced you to stick around. depends on the perspective, i guess. PLUS he has a girlfriend. not a wife and i assume they don't have any children... so nothing ties him to her - not really. so he fell in love with you... where does the need to have something on the side (if it's YOU or HER on the side, doesn't really matter) come? dude honestly sounds like a textbook example of a madonna-whore complex.

 

i don't think you're odd - but i think most want what you described... only in a emotionally & sexually monogamous & visible relationship.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites

If it is so great being in the position you are in (being the OW to a gf not even a wife) why aren't you out having fun instead of wondering if any other women are feeling the way you do? If it's so great why even care what others are doing?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
LOL So what am I "making up"? What do I have to lie about? That's so dumb and stupid to lie about the situation.

 

I didn't say you were lying to us. You're just lying to yourself though. I guess "make up" wasn't the right phrase. What I meant is you're trying to justify things that everyone here clearly sees as bull crap to internally make yourself feel this is a healthy relationship when 'it's totally not.

 

Stick around awhile and read up.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
CommittedToThis
If it is so great being in the position you are in (being the OW to a gf not even a wife) why aren't you out having fun instead of wondering if any other women are feeling the way you do? If it's so great why even care what others are doing?

 

I'm guessing somewhere behind the hard, cold exterior is the shred of a conscience that realizes not only is her behavior ethically and morally wrong, but that her lack of self-esteem allows her to justify her decision to remain in the triangle.

 

If OP were truly confident in her situation, I, too, wonder why she would seek validation on a message board.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...