Jump to content

When an affair turns into a fwb arrangement


Recommended Posts

Hello everyone, I just wonder if anyone has had this experience or heard of one: turning an affair into a friends-with-benefits relationship. If you have, was it a successful attempt? I hope to learn from your experiences. :)

 

My background: I'm a divorced, single OW who has been involved with an MM for almost 2 years. Like many OWs on here, I went through all the hurt and pain of being a side piece. I know NC is the best way to go but I can't seem to stay away from him no matter how hard I try (multiple breakups and getting backs). Lately I've been thinking maybe I should stop talking to him on a daily basis and we'd only text each other to meet up. I really hope it will work because I can't give him up but I'm too tired of the dramas already.

 

Please answer my specific question above if you can. I'm not looking for advice like stop seeing him, go NC. I've read countless of things like that on here but sadly I can't do it. :(((

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're lying to yourself.

 

You couldn't handle an affair, how do you think you can handle FWB?

 

NC isn't easy. But it's something you do. If you're unable to do it, you aren't changing enough things in your life to make it happen.

 

Tell his wife

Change jobs if needed

Get a new phone #

Change your routine

Find a hobby

Research research research

Counseling for you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

It would still be an affair no matter what you call it because he is married. Do what you want but since you refuse to give him up I hope when you turn 60 you won't regret your choice.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course you can do it. Take responsibility for yourself. Saying you are unable to stop is just a cop out.

 

And, FWB will be just as painful, because the reality is that you are not friends. It's a benefit to him, and continued pain for you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

How is that any different than continuing the affair?

 

Does it just make you feel better about it, if you label the situation differently?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons

FWB = Two friends who have a sexual realtionship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogomous relationship.

 

Any type of 'inappropriate' relationship where either party is married is an affair, so you would still be in an affair.

 

Changing the language does not equal changing the situation.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello everyone, I just wonder if anyone has had this experience or heard of one: turning an affair into a friends-with-benefits relationship. If you have, was it a successful attempt? I hope to learn from your experiences. :)

 

My background: I'm a divorced, single OW who has been involved with an MM for almost 2 years. Like many OWs on here, I went through all the hurt and pain of being a side piece. I know NC is the best way to go but I can't seem to stay away from him no matter how hard I try (multiple breakups and getting backs). Lately I've been thinking maybe I should stop talking to him on a daily basis and we'd only text each other to meet up. I really hope it will work because I can't give him up but I'm too tired of the dramas already.

 

Please answer my specific question above if you can. I'm not looking for advice like stop seeing him, go NC. I've read countless of things like that on here but sadly I can't do it. :(((

 

It would still be an affair with MANY benefits in it for him... Now he wouldn't even have to fake making an effort because you would be 'ok' (I know that's not ok to you if you're anything like me) with him calling you for sex and nothing more than that. You're worth so much more than that

 

I'm sorry , I know it really hurts so much ((((((((( HUGS )))))))))

 

Save

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons

I was going to amend my previous post but I'm too late....

 

If you are engaged with him at all you are still in the affair.

 

You will not feel better and be drama free until you are out - completely out. People recommend NC because it is generally the best way to extract yourself from the situation.

 

I won't entertain talk of 'I can't' when really it means 'I won't', but stopping talking to him on a daily basis and only communicating for meet ups is a good way to start distancing yourself emotionally. That's how I started to remove myself from my affair... it made the end easier in some ways but harder in others.

 

Don't kid yourself though, this is not a permanent solution.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

How about signing up for online dating and the time you previously texted with the MM could now be spent on texting a single guy-you never know, filling your time may just do the trick-

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you think you could do that without needing the validation from him in between yes it's possible.

Me and mine will talk every day some weeks then barely anything for another few. It works for me.

But if you've heard people talk about an emotional roller coaster this is it. Some people can do it some people cat especially if you already have feelings for the guy it's probably going to be pretty hard.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Let's see so currently affair: You have sex and he won't commit himself or his time fully

FWB: You have sex and he doesn't commit himself or his time fully.

 

I went through all the hurt and pain of being a side piece.

 

So now you want to tie yourself to full time being a.... side piece

 

You're swapping a banana for a banana, apple for an apple, you're swapping away what you don't like for...what you don't like.

 

fyi. To him it's always been an FWB, except he gets all the benefits, and post divorce you've tied yourself in another marriage. Ironic

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

It would be better to have a man of your own.

 

No sneaking about, no lies, more chance of genuine happiness.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Babsinhealing
Hello everyone, I just wonder if anyone has had this experience or heard of one: turning an affair into a friends-with-benefits relationship. If you have, was it a successful attempt? I hope to learn from your experiences. :)

 

My background: I'm a divorced, single OW who has been involved with an MM for almost 2 years. Like many OWs on here, I went through all the hurt and pain of being a side piece. I know NC is the best way to go but I can't seem to stay away from him no matter how hard I try (multiple breakups and getting backs). Lately I've been thinking maybe I should stop talking to him on a daily basis and we'd only text each other to meet up. I really hope it will work because I can't give him up but I'm too tired of the dramas already.

 

Please answer my specific question above if you can. I'm not looking for advice like stop seeing him, go NC. I've read countless of things like that on here but sadly I can't do it. :(((

Sadgirl... it's very difficult once you "catch" feelings. But if you really want this, the key is letting go of all expectations, which is easier said than done. It becomes a choice actually... one that you have always had- but many OW (including myself some days) forget they have this power! My A has taken many many twists and turns over the years from pure 24/7 infatuation, to 2 DDs (one that was horrible), a period of NC... but we've just decided we like what we have and we both fill a void that we can't find in our respective marriages. We care for each other, there is no drama, and we don't change the rules on each other because that would just complicate our situation. Once you have that mind set- it is possible. Some weeks we talk, text or email constantly and other weeks we get busy and communication takes a back burner- but we know that we will be there for each other when one of us reaches out. We also do it intentially because non-stop communication makes it difficult to keep your head on straight. The key is to just enjoy the moments when they come but stop with trying to figure everything out... our futures never work out the way we plan anyways! Good luck with your decision!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
eye of the storm

Sadgirl, Im sorry. I would love to give you advice on how to do it. But it's impossible.

 

I tried LC. I tried just being friends. The only thing that is helping me move on is NC.

 

All you are doing is trying to change the name of the A. It is still an A. All you are doing is debasing yourself more for someone who will not choose you.

 

NC sucks. Like any detoxing from any addiction it sucks. But it will help if you stick it out.

 

Get an accountability buddy. Mine can be a total *****. But when I feel weak, I call or text her, and she helps me thru it. She reminds me of why I went NC. She is my friend, she wants me happy and healthy.

 

Your MM is not your friend, he does not care you are suffering. He just wants sex. Do not debase yourself for him anymore.

 

You can do it. You are strong.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would describe my former relationship with MM as an FWB.

 

But an emphasis on 'FRIENDS', I mean, we seemed to (and currently seem) to actually like each other. We talked to each other, we enjoyed spending time together, we did things together, we exchanged presents and remembered special days for each other.

 

I always knew he wasn't going to leave his wife and family.

 

We were/are long distance. I ended the sexual part of our friendship and we really can't see each other because of distance and because of my self-control, or lack of it. We can talk, text and email pretty much whenever we want, but I limit how much I initiate.

 

So, ask yourself: what do YOU want and expect from a friend?

 

Some on here will tell you they think I'm in an EA and just don't know it. I was in the military. I'm used to having close male friends, that is how I look at XMM.

 

What you're taking away from yourself is the desire to look for something that is better for you. I was with XMM for seven years (ended things almost three years ago). While I was with him, I tried to date. I started off with a date once a week, then I dropped to once every ten days or so, then once a month and then I cancelled my dating site membership. I was a workaholic and just didn't enjoy those first blind dates.

 

It's tough to make yourself mentally and emotionally available when you have something as a backup. Your dates don't know they are actually already in a competition and they are starting out at a disadvantage.

 

Three years later I've had a dozen or so first dates and I've gone to a few swingers parties to get maintenance orgasms. But I don't really connect and I think being with the MM and being a workaholic just stunted me.

 

I don't connect now because I don't have to and the desire to want to is rare.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are OK with the fact that you're good enough to have sex with but not good enough to invest real feelings to...then by all means do it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Friends with benefits only work when both parties don't have any "love-drug" feelings invested in it. There's a reason even FWB as both being single people is hard for most.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

The difference in FWB from what you have is that no emotions should be involved. Purely a sexual thing, but you both being friends and you can hang out together. The problem is that you can't hang out freely, because it's a secret arrangement.

 

FWB is really for single unattached people, anything else is an affair.

 

I think you want a friendly sexual arrangement, where there are no expectations from him to make it easier on you. Because if you don't have expectations you can't get disappointed.....right?

 

It depends on your personality, as to whether it can work for you.

 

If you can take it or leave it, if you start becoming less available when he wants the benefits, you might find a shift in his behaviour.

 

Sony sell yourself short my dear.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe
let's see so currently affair: You have sex and he won't commit himself or his time fully

fwb: You have sex and he doesn't commit himself or his time fully.

 

i went through all the hurt and pain of being a side piece.

 

so now you want to tie yourself to full time being a.... Side piece

 

you're swapping a banana for a banana, apple for an apple, you're swapping away what you don't like for...what you don't like.

 

Fyi. to him it's always been an fwb, except he gets all the benefits, and post divorce you've tied yourself in another marriage. Ironic

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^yup!!!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Let's see so currently affair: You have sex and he won't commit himself or his time fully

FWB: You have sex and he doesn't commit himself or his time fully.

 

I went through all the hurt and pain of being a side piece.

 

So now you want to tie yourself to full time being a.... side piece

 

You're swapping a banana for a banana, apple for an apple, you're swapping away what you don't like for...what you don't like.

 

fyi. To him it's always been an FWB, except he gets all the benefits, and post divorce you've tied yourself in another marriage. Ironic

 

Actually, it's more like swapping a banana for a lump of coal.

 

Trying to change a "love" affair into a FWB, for the woman still in love, is completely degrading and demoralizing.

 

It's basically saying you will accept EVEN LESS in order to continue having the apparently irreplaceable MM.

 

Aren't YOU worth more than that?

 

My MM tried it on me. Made me feel like dirt.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...