Jemima1234 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Have posted here before. MM has ended our affair once and for all. Part of me is relieved - hate the fact we been doing something so wrong- but am also broken hearted. He said he needs to fix his marriage- the thought of him doing that just makes me feel sick! He seems almost glad to get rid of me- that hurts like hell. He would keep LC going but I know I can't do that. I have to go completely NC - apart from essential stuff - we have a child - so contact etc. Tho am even thinking of maybe doing that differently. Need help to maintain NC- please help me not humiliate myself by contacting him. Please help me get through this. And please don't ask me to confess - this is a mess but that would be even worse!!! I couldn't survive it so need to work it out another way. Thanks for the help 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Keep focused that now you've given yourself the opportunity to have a fulfilling honest relationship with someone who values you for who you are. Once you've healed and moved on you can take the lessons you've learned and find the true happiness you deserve. On the other side he will continue to live a lie as a miserable person, while his partner he is "working to fix" things with is in the dark about what kind of garbage she is attached to. A sad state indeed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 You are going to have strong days and weak days. If you stay focused on your future, in time you will have more strong days. Then one day, you will look around and realize you have a pretty good life. Just stay focused. You have the power. Use it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Come on now. You know he hasn't really ended the affair. You posted back in August that he ended it and you were heartbroken. You got back together with him then you reported in October that he ended it again and again you were heartbroken. He came back and now here we are a third time. He will be back so it's up to you to decide how you want to live your life. Like this? Waiting for a selfish man who drops you and then picks you back up whenever he feels like it? It's going to be up to you to end this affair and sadly I don't think your anywhere near ready to do it and follow through. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted December 12, 2016 Author Share Posted December 12, 2016 Come on now. You know he hasn't really ended the affair. You posted back in August that he ended it and you were heartbroken. You got back together with him then you reported in October that he ended it again and again you were heartbroken. He came back and now here we are a third time. He will be back so it's up to you to decide how you want to live your life. Like this? Waiting for a selfish man who drops you and then picks you back up whenever he feels like it? It's going to be up to you to end this affair and sadly I don't think your anywhere near ready to do it and follow through. Anika I don't blame you for your harsh reply. But that's not quite how it has been. This is different. I can't go into details now but it is but you are right- I have to be sure he doesn't come back and I go running. I don't believe in a million years he will but I appreciate what you wrote anyway. Am desperate For support here 1 Link to post Share on other sites
starswewillnavigate Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 You have a child with MM? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted December 12, 2016 Author Share Posted December 12, 2016 You have a child with MM? Yep. Child knows X MM and has contact with him. Not a secret. But yep makes this a total mess 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AutumnMoon Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 He will absolutely be back. Make the decision right now whether you want him back or not, if you do not, then block every avenue that he hasn't to contact you, if you have a child then make him go through a third-party to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted December 12, 2016 Author Share Posted December 12, 2016 Honestly this is different. There has been a trigger that has led to this. And he has been very blunt and very definite and I know. I just know. This is no contact time. Only way. But it's a killer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Be aware that no contact has to be applied 100% for it to work. 99% = 0 Be strong Be determined Be uncompromising Be downright mean if you have to *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AutumnMoon Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Honestly this is different. There has been a trigger that has led to this. And he has been very blunt and very definite and I know. I just know. This is no contact time. Only way. But it's a killer. I believe you. I also think that he will make an attempt at some point they all do even if he really wants it to be over. In either case make that decision for yourself don't give him that power you decide that you want it to be over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jacxie Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Im going the same thing since yesterday, but I decided to end it, he was messaging me so I blocked him EVERYWHERE, I even blocked his phone number so he won't contact me. Maybe he'll send me a letter, who knows Yesterday I was a wreck, I cried the whole day but I'm better today. I just realized this wasn't even supposed to happen. This was so wrong, I made a list of the things I don't like about him - it helps. He's not that perfect as I thought he was. I bet your xMM isn't perfect either. I've already watched half season of OITNB since yesterday ? and ate 3 huge pizzas ? I started watching Luke cage again but the main actor resembles my xMM too much so.... I can't really look at ANY black guy, I hope it will pass. Overall, I'm good but I need time I guess. We both need time, and we can't break nc no matter what. There's a lot of fish in the sea - I heard it million times since yesterday. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever broken Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 This is a tough situation because you share a child with him. Honestly he's my main concern. What's gonna happen to him/her? How will you explain that? If the child is good then no contact is best. The child needs a stable parent but not a part time dad and you don't need a part time boyfriend either. He's gonna pop in and out of your life and play games with you as long as you allow him. I know it won't be easy maintaining no contact but the earlier the better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Going through the same. Only thing is my MM keeps trying to call me saying he will file for papers he just needs more time. It's so hard not calling him back. But we need to stay strong. We will never be number one in their lives. We need to be number one in our own lives. They say iron sharpens iron. We need to support each other. Kinda like a buddy system. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jacxie Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Actions, not words. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CommittedToThis Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Hi! hate the fact we been doing something so wrong If you hate it so much why were you always willing to go back whenever he called? I call bullsquat -- you've proven the ability of lying to yourself over this guy, the guy who puts his wife first as anyone should. Either own up to the truth (you love the MM and the relationship you share, as f'd as it is) or keep falling into the same trap by lying to yourself. As for today, just don't contact him and if he reaches out, don't respond. Don't even read it (which you probably will). Tomorrow will be a little better, and the day after that exponentially better, and so on and so forth. So crazy you have a child with the MM. Almost like a Lifetime Network movie. Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Does his wife know you have a child with her H?. This actually makes it complicated to have total NC, sigh. Is he a good father to your child?. But if you have to cut ties, you must do it. Dont keep going back to him. Link to post Share on other sites
sunrise_sunset Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Come on now. You know he hasn't really ended the affair. You posted back in August that he ended it and you were heartbroken. You got back together with him then you reported in October that he ended it again and again you were heartbroken. He came back and now here we are a third time. He will be back so it's up to you to decide how you want to live your life. Like this? Waiting for a selfish man who drops you and then picks you back up whenever he feels like it? It's going to be up to you to end this affair and sadly I don't think your anywhere near ready to do it and follow through. Jemima: I feel like I've seen in so many places that it takes a few NCs before this whole thing really starts to stick. Each time after NC is broken, the relationship is different -- we all know where it's headed -- to some KIND of an end. You have my full support, my dear. I'm just shy of two weeks into my latest NC (this is my third try in 5 months), but it does feel different this time. Reality of who this person is (and what they want/don't want) is settling in, the whole fantasy is gone. Time will help -- but boundaries, limitations, and expectations will likely need to be in place regarding your CHILD. That will take communication, so LC seems to be your best shot. The holiday season is here -- focus on your child, and come here to write when you are fighting that urge to reach out to xAP. Please keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Jemima did I read correctly in another post you are married as well? But you have a child together? NO judgements just trying to understand. Does your spouse know about this child not being his? Or was child born before spouse? Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Does his wife know you have a child with her H?. This actually makes it complicated to have total NC, sigh. Is he a good father to your child?. But if you have to cut ties, you must do it. Dont keep going back to him. Yeah, this. Normally I am a fan of going dark and just getting the heck out of these things as fast as possible, not looking backwards. But the child part. I was going to ask if the wife knew. Once there is a child, the rules change. The wife needs to know what has been going on. I assume it would be hard to find child support payments anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Share Posted December 13, 2016 Jemima: I feel like I've seen in so many places that it takes a few NCs before this whole thing really starts to stick. Each time after NC is broken, the relationship is different -- we all know where it's headed -- to some KIND of an end. You have my full support, my dear. I'm just shy of two weeks into my latest NC (this is my third try in 5 months), but it does feel different this time. Reality of who this person is (and what they want/don't want) is settling in, the whole fantasy is gone. Time will help -- but boundaries, limitations, and expectations will likely need to be in place regarding your CHILD. That will take communication, so LC seems to be your best shot. The holiday season is here -- focus on your child, and come here to write when you are fighting that urge to reach out to xAP. Please keep us posted. Thank you- appreciate this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Share Posted December 13, 2016 Jemima did I read correctly in another post you are married as well? But you have a child together? NO judgements just trying to understand. Does your spouse know about this child not being his? Or was child born before spouse? Hi yes I am married. Yes my spouse knows this child is not his, has always known. His wife knows too. But they think the affair is over. So yep I was stupid enough to do it again!! How I wish I hadn't but I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Share Posted December 13, 2016 Does his wife know you have a child with her H?. This actually makes it complicated to have total NC, sigh. Is he a good father to your child?. But if you have to cut ties, you must do it. Dont keep going back to him. Yes she knows. And yep it makes it so complicated. He is a good dad yes and my child adores him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Share Posted December 13, 2016 Yeah, this. Normally I am a fan of going dark and just getting the heck out of these things as fast as possible, not looking backwards. But the child part. I was going to ask if the wife knew. Once there is a child, the rules change. The wife needs to know what has been going on. I assume it would be hard to find child support payments anyway. Yep she knows. Contact is agreed. All done very informally at moment but suspect I need to do it differently now to protect my heart!!!! May be time to call in lawyer support Link to post Share on other sites
starswewillnavigate Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 I'm sorry but I really can't see how you can truly be NC when a child is involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts