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Will I ever be his #1?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 10th January 2017, 3:21 PM   #661
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Jen you need to tell and make sure you get your story told because I guarantee you Josh won't paint you in a good light.. he will do everything he can to make you the villain if this affair comes to light.

I also think Josh pushed you away because his marriage was in turmoil and he was mentally blaming you... he is doing all he can to get his family back in order and once that was taken care of he was planning on picking things back up with you..

Get the support you need from your family.. tell your story and be bold . Own your wrong doings and then own how you are moving forward. This is a part of the healing process.
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Old 10th January 2017, 3:27 PM   #662
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Originally Posted by jennifernyc84 View Post
I haven't been posting on here a whole lot because I've been feeling very confident and honestly, haven't even thought of him a whole lot.

But today, I was talking to my mom, and she told me she spoke with his mom, who was very worried about her son. I swear I didn't pry, but my mom was asking me if I knew anything, because she knows that we are/were "friends".

His mom told my mom that his wife took the baby and went to her moms and has been there for the passed week! They have been fighting and they aren't even speaking right now.

I'm still blocked by him so I have no idea what's going on and I'd be lying if I said I didn't care. It's driving me nuts!! I know I shouldn't care because even if they do divorce and him and I end up together I wouldn't be his number one and I will never be, because he chose her first, making her his number one.

But I am freaking out. I guess I just need some sense knocked into me.

I need to leave these people alone, right?
I read somewhere that mistresses actually help married couples stay together. Now that he doesn't have his soft cushion to land on, he is being forced to deal with the issues in the marriage.

And the part about making his wife number one? I'm with the other poster who said that neither you nor she is number one. He holds that spot himself.

You sound much more confident and that is great. I'm feeling better too, just having shut out all the drama. How did your IC session go? I was quite pleased with mine.
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Old 10th January 2017, 3:36 PM   #663
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It seems plausible he had a Dday,she got very upset and went to her mother. I bet he is crawling, begging and promising the world to her now.
I agree you should tell your mom.
If his wife knows you're his OW, your mom will know anyway.
He will tell the story in a way that will make you seem predatory and obsessive and will make himself look dumb and helpless.
Give your mom a heads up. If nothing comes out, you can still recieve support from her. Plus, her knowing will make it very difficult for you to go back in to the affair with him. She can be another buffer preventing you from relapsing.
He will be back,you know.
Priorities.
First, he'll get marriage back on track and once their home life stablises, he'll miss his extracuricular fun and games. Protect yourself and be prepared that he might say just about anything if it will get his wife back.
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Old 10th January 2017, 3:48 PM   #664
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It seems plausible he had a Dday,she got very upset and went to her mother. I bet he is crawling, begging and promising the world to her now.
I agree you should tell your mom.
If his wife knows you're his OW, your mom will know anyway.
He will tell the story in a way that will make you seem predatory and obsessive and will make himself look dumb and helpless.
Give your mom a heads up. If nothing comes out, you can still recieve support from her. Plus, her knowing will make it very difficult for you to go back in to the affair with him. She can be another buffer preventing you from relapsing.
He will be back,you know.
Priorities.
First, he'll get marriage back on track and once their home life stablises, he'll miss his extracuricular fun and games. Protect yourself and be prepared that he might say just about anything if it will get his wife back.
Yes ... this 100%
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Old 10th January 2017, 4:04 PM   #665
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Agree with ^^
He prob had a DDay. He would be at your doorsteps but is paranoid (gps, var, PI, etc).

Wish you luck, but I foresee one more hiccup in your future. Odds are he's going to throw you under the bus.

Last edited by BuddyX; 10th January 2017 at 4:12 PM.. Reason: Grammar
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Old 10th January 2017, 4:35 PM   #666
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So he's had her move now and still hasn't reached out to you?

NO, you definitely won't ever be his number 1.

Get busy forgetting about him and start dating available guys.
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Old 10th January 2017, 4:58 PM   #667
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Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
You sound much more confident and that is great. I'm feeling better too, just having shut out all the drama. How did your IC session go? I was quite pleased with mine.
It's in around an hour actually. I'm feeling excited about it. I am feeling more confident. This whole her being at her mom thing has me feeling a little shaken up. Old feelings of possibility have me hoping again. I'm trying to tell myself it's just more drama that I don't need.

He hasn't tried to contact me yet. I feel like this does have to do with me.
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Old 10th January 2017, 5:13 PM   #668
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It's in around an hour actually. I'm feeling excited about it. I am feeling more confident. This whole her being at her mom thing has me feeling a little shaken up. Old feelings of possibility have me hoping again. I'm trying to tell myself it's just more drama that I don't need.

He hasn't tried to contact me yet. I feel like this does have to do with me.
Of course it has to do with you. Only that, his marriage is what he wants to save. She's not even there and he is not contacting you.

I went through something similar. Twice his wife learned the truth and each time he was very clear to me that his family was his priority. We are just fun and sex to these guys. Never forget that. We are nothing more. Just an easy lay. Or as he put it - you are his bad habit. I felt the same.
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Old 10th January 2017, 5:37 PM   #669
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Originally Posted by jennifernyc84 View Post
It's in around an hour actually. I'm feeling excited about it. I am feeling more confident. This whole her being at her mom thing has me feeling a little shaken up. Old feelings of possibility have me hoping again. I'm trying to tell myself it's just more drama that I don't need.

He hasn't tried to contact me yet. I feel like this does have to do with me.
don't read too much into anything. Like I said before, he needs to go through what he needs to go through if his marriage is going to end and he needs to do it alone and get through it and heal from it himself.

It's good that he didn't immediately call you. It means he's putting the attention where he should be putting it--- on his marriage. And figuring out what is going to happen there.

Your job is to take care of you. To get healthy. To be confident in who you are without a man. To learn your boundaries.

Maybe it will happen down the line, maybe it won't. Maybe you will be a different person and not even want him anymore.

don't concern yourself with what's going on in his life, Jen needs to focus on Jen

Hope the counseling goes well!
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Old 10th January 2017, 5:58 PM   #670
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When you let yourself fall unconditionally in love with someone...
i wanted to comment - and i apologize in advance because the words will be harsh - there is no such thing as unconditional love. in fact, i wouldn't describe what you're feeling as LOVE at all; it's almost obsessive & pathological, you're fixated on some kind of image of this perfect love and great love story rather than the man himself. you're confusing passion & chemistry, tension with drama, all-or-nothing, ride-or-die kind of love... and everything LESS than that just isn't LOVE to you. your love lacks maturity and real dedication, no matter how incorrect that sounded to you. so i think that the focal point of your therapy should be figuring out your love boundaries, learning what HEALTHY love is - not just leaving the A. in other words - don't quit the therapy if you end this A or end up with this dude or find a new dude... whatever. a lot of unhealthy elements in your love - the way you describe it - that you keep identifying as TRUE emotion. you're romanticizing a whole lot of things that (to me personally) look like huuuge red flags to me. so you need to work on that 1st.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennifernyc84 View Post
Old feelings of possibility have me hoping again. I'm trying to tell myself it's just more drama that I don't need.
pretty much; just re-read my 1st post on this thread if you want to know how your life MIGHT turn up if you do end up with the dude.

and one more thing - i wrote to you before but you didn't pay attention... you keep experiencing the high HIGHS and low LOWS. meaning; you go from being confident and moving on, not thinking about him and planning to date other guys... to being a call away from crawling right back to someone who already rejected you. every single time you write those encouraging posts, about moving on and feeling AWESOME - you're lying to yourself. you need to learn how to move on the RIGHT WAY, healthy. you're not moving on or healing - you're pressing fast forward and burrying yourself into denial. like, you distract yourself until you forget about it - that's not HEALING or moving on. you need to face and deal with the emotions - with the fact that you've been stuck on one man for years (it might sound real romantic but it really isn't) + the fact that you stayed even though you knew he was actively working on building a family with this woman. and really - WHY did you stay? you fell in love, for sure. but why on Earth would you stay if you know he choose to build a family with his wife - when he could have easily choose to build one with YOU? that's the most baffling thing - you sticking around and hoping and being in love through his wife being pregnant and having a baby with him. work on all of that - and THAT takes time... you won't heal in five posts.
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Old 10th January 2017, 10:26 PM   #671
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I'm still blocked by him so I have no idea what's going on and I'd be lying if I said I didn't care. It's driving me nuts!! I know I shouldn't care because even if they do divorce and him and I end up together I wouldn't be his number one and I will never be, because he chose her first, making her his number one.
For some reason I can't quite put my finger on, this statement is just . . . off. That's the reason that you wouldn't want him? Because lots of people have more than one meaningful, healthy partnership in their lives, so there's no reason you can't have one with someone who had one before. Except in this case, he chose her time and time again . . . to marry, to stay with, to do IVF with, etc. Even now, when he could be running to you for support and sex while he's in the dog house with her, he's not.

What's evident is that you do still want him. If you stayed with him through everything else, why would you reject him now that he might finally be single? That makes no sense. Of course no one thinks you should hope for a future with him . . . I'm just trying to figure out why your statement about her being his number one bothers me so much. Because it certainly didn't matter all the times that you chose to stay with a guy who was doing IVF, who had a pregnant wife, who had a newborn, etc.

I wonder if you realize on some level that the chances he will want an out in the open future with you are not great. I doubt he wants a serious, committed, have to be faithful and true relationship with you. And for some reason that I hope you spend tons of time in IC on, that never mattered to you. What mattered was having any little sliver of him that you could.

Think of the most enduring, loyal friendship you have in your life . . . you prioritize each other, you communicate, you check in, you enjoy just doing dumb things together, you're proud of each other, etc. . . right? That's what true love is like, plus the perks of sex with your hunky best friend. It's not aching and yearning and disappointment and calculations . . . Love is not being so desperate for anything that you'll disrespect yourself and settle for something toxic and unhealthy.

I hope your IC went well and you're well on your way to learning how to cope with this emotionally and how to move forward into health and happiness.
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Old 11th January 2017, 1:46 PM   #672
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For some reason I can't quite put my finger on, this statement is just . . . off. That's the reason that you wouldn't want him? Because lots of people have more than one meaningful, healthy partnership in their lives, so there's no reason you can't have one with someone who had one before. Except in this case, he chose her time and time again . . .


You've misunderstood my point. Not only has he chosen her time and time again, but now that she's left him, even if he did come to me, I'd still only be his second choice because she left him! He didn't leave her. So he's never chosen me at all.

I'm not saying "oh I need be his first ever". No, I understand that people have many people in their lives who they have cared for.

I'm just saying that I want someone to put my feelings first for the first time. Someone who would cancel plans with anyone else for me. Someone who would go out of their way for me like I would for him.

I want someone to love me. Not family. Not friends. I have lots of those. I want a lover that's mine. I want great, fun, amazing days, and I want to boring frustrating, difficult ones. I want a stable real adult relationship.
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Old 11th January 2017, 3:07 PM   #673
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You've misunderstood my point. Not only has he chosen her time and time again, but now that she's left him, even if he did come to me, I'd still only be his second choice because she left him! He didn't leave her. So he's never chosen me at all.

I'm not saying "oh I need be his first ever". No, I understand that people have many people in their lives who they have cared for.

I'm just saying that I want someone to put my feelings first for the first time. Someone who would cancel plans with anyone else for me. Someone who would go out of their way for me like I would for him.

I want someone to love me. Not family. Not friends. I have lots of those. I want a lover that's mine. I want great, fun, amazing days, and I want to boring frustrating, difficult ones. I want a stable real adult relationship.
No you are 100% right. And it goes beyond this specific scenario. I wasted a lot of time on single guys where I never came first, a whole bunch of other things and people came before me. Of course we all have jobs and families and obligations but generally speaking, you are correct in wanting that. It's certainly attainable and if you don't see it happening in future relationships, move on quickly. There is an expression - when people show you who they are, believe them.
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Old 11th January 2017, 4:27 PM   #674
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You've misunderstood my point. Not only has he chosen her time and time again, but now that she's left him, even if he did come to me, I'd still only be his second choice because she left him! He didn't leave her. So he's never chosen me at all.

I'm not saying "oh I need be his first ever". No, I understand that people have many people in their lives who they have cared for.

I'm just saying that I want someone to put my feelings first for the first time. Someone who would cancel plans with anyone else for me. Someone who would go out of their way for me like I would for him.

I want someone to love me. Not family. Not friends. I have lots of those. I want a lover that's mine. I want great, fun, amazing days, and I want to boring frustrating, difficult ones. I want a stable real adult relationship.
Well good!
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Old 11th January 2017, 5:13 PM   #675
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Agreed on never being his number 1..

These men are scum. Josh is never going to go to counseling to figure out his whys he isn't going to understand what mature love is, and he isn't going to change.

Jenn, you sound like a cool fun chick. Finding someone and starting new WITHOUT all of this baggage is going to be the best thing for you. Trust me if he left her he comes with a truckload of baggage. You will meet someone new and fall in love with them and feel these amazing feelings and you will look back on Josh and think holy cow i was one lucky girl to escape that mess.

My sister married this guy. She met him / fell in love/ and they married within a year- well he is a HUGE conflict avoider, entitled, selfish you name it and she just found out he was having an affair on her. Comes to find out he was having affairs on his first wife too (one of the reasons they divorced- go figure).

Do people change- HELL yes they do I fully believe that (as a WS myself I sure hope so) but it takes a work.
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