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The last frontier: How to get over the anger


HadMeOverABarrel

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HadMeOverABarrel

Hello, Everyone!

 

I'm over wanting xMM. I'm seeing him for what he is rather than what I thought he was. I'm pretty much over the temptation to alert his wife (and I believe at this point she knows he's a serial cheater but chooses to stay anyhow--her choice!).

 

I am convinced he's a narcissist. The thing that I'm still hung up on is my anger! I can't seem to get past that. I feel like if I could just get beyond it I'd be free and clear of all things to do with xMM. My energy is still tied in and manifests as anger. Discarded and used is what I feel he did and I'm so angry because he devalued me. I deserve so much better. I really loved him and I think he just took advantage of that. I am sick of even the tiniest bit of my energy going in his direction even if it's just the rage I feel inside. At times, I feel I want to force him to hear my rage. Other times I want him to feel some of the pain he inflicted on me from his devaluation.

 

Any tips?

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made a mistake, we all make mistakes. Time is the healer in this. Focus that energy on bettering your own life and surround yourself with positive people that know your worth.

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HeCantBreakMe
Hello, Everyone!

 

I'm over wanting xMM. I'm seeing him for what he is rather than what I thought he was. I'm pretty much over the temptation to alert his wife (and I believe at this point she knows he's a serial cheater but chooses to stay anyhow--her choice!).

 

I am convinced he's a narcissist. The thing that I'm still hung up on is my anger! I can't seem to get past that. I feel like if I could just get beyond it I'd be free and clear of all things to do with xMM. My energy is still tied in and manifests as anger. Discarded and used is what I feel he did and I'm so angry because he devalued me. I deserve so much better. I really loved him and I think he just took advantage of that. I am sick of even the tiniest bit of my energy going in his direction even if it's just the rage I feel inside. At times, I feel I want to force him to hear my rage. Other times I want him to feel some of the pain he inflicted on me from his devaluation.

 

Any tips?

 

If i had tips I would use them myself and be off this board and on to better things!

 

All I have for you is the word we all hate on here--- TIME. I still believe time heals the biggest of these wounds. This is a process and anger is part of that process. Let it come and accept it and eventually it will go.

 

You said one thing that stood out to me and that was he devalued you. Yes, I agree he probably did but who allowed him to do so? I think you need to continue and focus on yourself and why you allowed this man into your life in the first place. Unless you had no idea he was married (I can't remember your entire story) then you allowed him to devalue you by placing yourself second in his life and choosing to believe he would make you his first.

 

Continue to focus on you and learning from this. Allow time and distance to continue and do the work.

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MidnightBlue1980
Hello, Everyone!

 

I'm over wanting xMM. I'm seeing him for what he is rather than what I thought he was. I'm pretty much over the temptation to alert his wife (and I believe at this point she knows he's a serial cheater but chooses to stay anyhow--her choice!).

 

I am convinced he's a narcissist. The thing that I'm still hung up on is my anger! I can't seem to get past that. I feel like if I could just get beyond it I'd be free and clear of all things to do with xMM. My energy is still tied in and manifests as anger. Discarded and used is what I feel he did and I'm so angry because he devalued me. I deserve so much better. I really loved him and I think he just took advantage of that. I am sick of even the tiniest bit of my energy going in his direction even if it's just the rage I feel inside. At times, I feel I want to force him to hear my rage. Other times I want him to feel some of the pain he inflicted on me from his devaluation.

 

Any tips?

 

It's tough. I will admit I did not get over my anger till his wife finally found out the truth. I finally felt vindicated. But I wasn't cured really. The last weeks till the end he acted like a victim, he never said he was sorry to me, or anything. Now he is gone and my anger has turned to a sort of regret that I allowed this whole thing to happen and ruin so many lives. Granted I am being dramatic, they are still married and so am I.

 

I guess the answer I have for you is not a real answer. There is no answer. You just go on, day by day and you realize your part in it, learn from it and don;t do it again. It's a tragedy. You never recover exactly, you just go on.

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Anger is a normal and healthy thing.

 

Don't try to push it away.

 

Feel it, and let it pass through you.

 

 

Take care.

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HadMeOverABarrel
made a mistake, we all make mistakes. Time is the healer in this. Focus that energy on bettering your own life and surround yourself with positive people that know your worth.

 

You made me realize that part of the problem I'm having getting past this is due to the other challenges I'm currently facing in my life. The litigation I've been involved with has impeded my business and my relationships to the point I feel like I'm holding everything together with chewing gum and tape. It makes me more vulnerable and fuels my anger of feeling taken advantage of. If the rest of my life was bowl of cherries right now maybe my anger would be more mild. Thanks for commenting.

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bring down the other areas of your life. He isn't worth that, and you are worth more. If it is effecting your work and your decision-making, may be time to do some reading on narcissists. They have moved on, they don't care - there is NOTHING you can do, to make them care. You most likely, dodged a bullet - imagine living with this person? Looking over your shoulder all the time, for him to cheat on you. No thanks. Karma will bite him, in the end.

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HadMeOverABarrel
If i had tips I would use them myself and be off this board and on to better things!

 

All I have for you is the word we all hate on here--- TIME. I still believe time heals the biggest of these wounds. This is a process and anger is part of that process. Let it come and accept it and eventually it will go.

 

You said one thing that stood out to me and that was he devalued you. Yes, I agree he probably did but who allowed him to do so? I think you need to continue and focus on yourself and why you allowed this man into your life in the first place. Unless you had no idea he was married (I can't remember your entire story) then you allowed him to devalue you by placing yourself second in his life and choosing to believe he would make you his first.

 

Continue to focus on you and learning from this. Allow time and distance to continue and do the work.

 

I own my part, but what gets me agitated is the thought of while I was kind, he just was a user. At least I was authentic and kind towards him. He just manipulated me like he does everyone. I didn't really allow him to devalue me fully as 1) I was caught up in the "special connection" so I thought it was real then, 2) I truly loved him, 3) I demanded better treatment and not getting that is what motivated me to cut ties. It's not the affair situation devaluation that I am angry about because I did that to myself by choosing to engage him in that way. It's the way he continuously ignored my feelings, desires, etc. during the time I invested my energy in him. That's the devaluation that is getting to me.

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HadMeOverABarrel
bring down the other areas of your life. He isn't worth that, and you are worth more. If it is effecting your work and your decision-making, may be time to do some reading on narcissists. They have moved on, they don't care - there is NOTHING you can do, to make them care. You most likely, dodged a bullet - imagine living with this person? Looking over your shoulder all the time, for him to cheat on you. No thanks. Karma will bite him, in the end.

 

I've been learning a ton about narcissism. It's one of the silver linings of this situation. The fact that he remains unaffected and very likely already on to his next victim while his life is perfectly in tact while I pick up the pieces is precisely what makes me angry.

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HadMeOverABarrel
It's tough. I will admit I did not get over my anger till his wife finally found out the truth. I finally felt vindicated. But I wasn't cured really. The last weeks till the end he acted like a victim, he never said he was sorry to me, or anything. Now he is gone and my anger has turned to a sort of regret that I allowed this whole thing to happen and ruin so many lives. Granted I am being dramatic, they are still married and so am I.

 

I guess the answer I have for you is not a real answer. There is no answer. You just go on, day by day and you realize your part in it, learn from it and don;t do it again. It's a tragedy. You never recover exactly, you just go on.

 

Yes! This is what tempts me to tell his wife. However, I believe that could backfire in so many ways. Plus, I'm proud of my self-control and think in the long run keeping my composure is what will help me remember the end of this with dignity. My biggest concern is that with time I will "stuff" the anger rather than deal with it...in effect carrying his baggage for him while he gets off scott free knowing that I loved him, he hurt me, he got away with it pain free...on with his happy life. That's why sometimes I want to rage at him to get it all out.

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HadMeOverABarrel
Anger is a normal and healthy thing.

 

Don't try to push it away.

 

Feel it, and let it pass through you.

 

 

Take care.

 

You sound just like my therapist. I'm not good at it though. :)

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the pain of being a narcissist, never able to fully connect with others. Must be a lonely life in the end. Injustice of the situation, certainly - but, life is full of injustice. I focus my energy on fighting for my little slice of what I can help in this world.

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This might be reaching a bit and my apologies, is so. Instead of focusing on the anger, look within yourself to find out why you allowed him to treat you that way. For example, I found myself asking what was wrong with me to allow myself to be in his arms all the while with him saying "watch your makeup" several times (He liked me to remove it so it didn't get on his shirt) one night when I didn't have time to remove it. It eas a WTH moment for me.

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It will eventually pass. Just takes time.

 

My advice is to take the high road. Knowing that you are a better person than the low life cheater.

 

And know that his wife is the one that has to deal with a lying cheater. YOU deserve better. It will pass....believe me

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MidnightBlue1980
Yes! This is what tempts me to tell his wife. However, I believe that could backfire in so many ways. Plus, I'm proud of my self-control and think in the long run keeping my composure is what will help me remember the end of this with dignity. My biggest concern is that with time I will "stuff" the anger rather than deal with it...in effect carrying his baggage for him while he gets off scott free knowing that I loved him, he hurt me, he got away with it pain free...on with his happy life. That's why sometimes I want to rage at him to get it all out.

 

I literally felt 100% as you feel the entire year. Karma works it's way, whether directly or indirectly. Telling her yourself won't help as she probably won't believe you as he will spin it and you will feel like crap. In my situation, my H tried to tell his BS the truth but she chose to believe xmm's lies. A year later for whatever reason she decided to find out the truth. So you can't bring karma on someone, it has to happen naturally. I got to see it happen, usually you don't though, and you just have to have faith that we all get ours.

 

Do you still see him?

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MidnightBlue1980
If i had tips I would use them myself and be off this board and on to better things!

 

All I have for you is the word we all hate on here--- TIME. I still believe time heals the biggest of these wounds. This is a process and anger is part of that process. Let it come and accept it and eventually it will go.

 

You said one thing that stood out to me and that was he devalued you. Yes, I agree he probably did but who allowed him to do so? I think you need to continue and focus on yourself and why you allowed this man into your life in the first place. Unless you had no idea he was married (I can't remember your entire story) then you allowed him to devalue you by placing yourself second in his life and choosing to believe he would make you his first.

 

Continue to focus on you and learning from this. Allow time and distance to continue and do the work.

 

I don't want to threadjump but HCBM, did you leave your job? I recall it was supposed to be early Dec.

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Hello, Everyone!

 

I'm over wanting xMM. I'm seeing him for what he is rather than what I thought he was.

 

You admired and wanted a guy who was cheating on his wife with you, if I understand you correctly. I have only three questions, but please use adjectives and verbs and not nouns. For example "narcissist" means nothing to me. What do you mean by that?

 

1) What was it that you thought he was?

 

2) What is it that you see he is?

 

3) Now that you see clearly, can you see the folly in what you first believed?

Edited by LargoLagg
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Whisper Quiet

....just time. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts. There will be great days and sh*t days. All a part of the process.

 

Several of the posters here, myself included, know all too well what you are going through and can offer support and advice when you have a rough day or to celebrate a success.

 

Be strong, it does get better!

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HadMeOverABarrel
I literally felt 100% as you feel the entire year. Karma works it's way, whether directly or indirectly. Telling her yourself won't help as she probably won't believe you as he will spin it and you will feel like crap. In my situation, my H tried to tell his BS the truth but she chose to believe xmm's lies. A year later for whatever reason she decided to find out the truth. So you can't bring karma on someone, it has to happen naturally. I got to see it happen, usually you don't though, and you just have to have faith that we all get ours.

 

Do you still see him?

 

I don't see him at all. He emailed once since I decided to go NC (before he realized I was ghosting him). I broke NC once the week before Thanksgiving sending him one text that I miss him. He never responded. Too bad I sent that text maybe--I had just done a weekend workshop with my therapist and that workshop resurfaced my emotions--that's why I sent the text. I agree with what you've stated. I've reminded myself that nothing I'd hope to achieve by telling her would actually come to fruition. I remind myself of decisions I made about that before I became emotional over this. Thank you for this post. Under the anger is hurt, and my eyes are tearing up as I write this. It's only been 2 months and a week since I last heard from him but it feels like ages.

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HadMeOverABarrel
You admired and wanted a guy who was cheating on his wife with you, if I understand you correctly. I have only three questions, but please use adjectives and verbs and not nouns. For example "narcissist" means nothing to me. What do you mean by that?

 

1) What was it that you thought he was?

 

2) What is it that you see he is?

 

3) Now that you see clearly, can you see the folly in what you first believed?

 

1) I thought he was the love of my life whom I've waited a looong time for. We clicked instantly even before meeting. Upon meeting, people stared at us because we were so natural together. A friend of mine saw a picture of us together on the night we met and remarked that we looked like we'd been together for years. I loved his mind and personality. I shared myself with him in a way I don't share myself with others. I felt a special connection with him. He understood me and admired me and I felt the same about him. He was very intelligent and appreciated my intelligence, etc.

 

2) I see that he is very manipulative. By narcissist, I mean traits I've come to know as narcissistic: one sided relations, manipulations, selfishness, etc. He definitely has a cold, dark side to him. He could be cruel. He ignored me at times--my suggestions or requests. He was manipulative and told me stories of how he'd manipulate family members to get what he wanted. He was never concerned about what his wife thought or felt. He only cared about his job's consequences--he didn't want trouble at work--ironically I was his firm's client plus he told one of his work buddies all about me, the affair, showed work buddy my picture. He didn't care about the outcomes for his clients. For example, I asked if I could watch him in court. He said it would make him nervous and affect his performance. When I said I wouldn't watch then, he said if he didn't perform well that would be his client's problem, not his. He would be paid either way and I'm welcome to watch him. Multiple times he told me he loves it when I call him devious.

 

3) I don't see it so much as folly, because he has both good and bad. It's just the bad outweighs the good, and I was more focused on the good earlier on.

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HadMeOverABarrel
....just time. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts. There will be great days and sh*t days. All a part of the process.

 

Several of the posters here, myself included, know all too well what you are going through and can offer support and advice when you have a rough day or to celebrate a success.

 

Be strong, it does get better!

 

(((((((LOVE))))))))

 

Thank you!

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MidnightBlue1980
I don't see him at all. He emailed once since I decided to go NC (before he realized I was ghosting him). I broke NC once the week before Thanksgiving sending him one text that I miss him. He never responded. Too bad I sent that text maybe--I had just done a weekend workshop with my therapist and that workshop resurfaced my emotions--that's why I sent the text. I agree with what you've stated. I've reminded myself that nothing I'd hope to achieve by telling her would actually come to fruition. I remind myself of decisions I made about that before I became emotional over this. Thank you for this post. Under the anger is hurt, and my eyes are tearing up as I write this. It's only been 2 months and a week since I last heard from him but it feels like ages.

 

I do understand and I feel the hurt and pain you feel. I am not sure if that is worth anything but you are not alone. I've felt it for so long now, I can't remember what it's like not to feel it.

 

I actually wrote that in one of the last emails I wrote him, before I was aware that she had learned the truth and was reading my emails as I wrote them. We had been NC for several months (I would ignore him in person) but then I heard he was leaving and I didn't know if he was coming back or that was it, and I was literally tormented that I did not get to say goodbye. So I broke the NC to see if he was coming back at all. He didn't respond (since she had learned the truth)

 

That week I wrote a slew of emails which she was the one reading, saying fun things like - you swore you would never ignore me again; you begged me to email me daily, that it was torture not to hear from me; you said it was okay during these hours because she was not there; I'm sorry for ignoring your emails, for blocking you and walking away from you every time you tried to talk to me and being a b*tch for months; and my personal cringeworthy favorite - "I've cried a river over you and I am have been living in this f*cking pain for so long I cannot remember what it is like to not be in it." He told me later that he was dying every time an email came in as she only got more and more information.

 

But anyway, that is the past now and my point is, I understand pain and suffering. He left on his last day and I was just another person to him, and you need to remember that probably it is the same on your end. That hurts, I am sure. But you need to believe it. Don't delude yourself into thinking that this all meant something - it didn't. We meant nothing to these guys. It will be easier to get over if you live in reality. Feel the pain, embrace it and eventually you will move on.

 

I'm thinking you are single. Get out there and date. It is the holidays. Mingle. Have fun. Make out with new guys. Don't look back.

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'Tis difficult to not be angry...poor gal...

Forced to be an affair partner..

 

I'm sure you had some good memories though...maybe that can help subside the anger...

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I thought he was never concerned about what his wife thought or felt.

 

I don't see it so much as folly

I shortened your answer for you. Look at it this way: in the end, you were like a wife to him.

 

I'm not so sure what you're angry about, really. He did you wrong, admittedly, but what did you really expect? That he'd treat you better than the woman he married?

 

Maybe you can see the folly now.

Edited by LargoLagg
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Keep going NC. People who make sarcastic remarks, are just being unhelpful. NOT politically correctly keeping to the guidelines of the forum. I know you acknowledge your part in the A.

 

It is a good feeling to have a safe place to vent.

 

Poppy.

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