After the A

[Girlfromcali]

It's been about 1 and 1/2 years since we "broke up"

 

If there's a word that I would use to describe the A, it would be "soul crushing". I don't know how else to describe it.

 

I asked the MM a while ago, did he ever have another A. He said that he'll never do it again, it was too painful, and that he was better off before it happened, and he wished it had never happened.

 

I understand what he means. I feel like my life will never be like it used to be. I feel like it ruined something. I'm not talking about what we did to our BS, nor trust, or remorse. I mean only the roller coaster of emotions, chemicals, intensity, and desire. It's like the world is now "blah".

 

I would not want him even if he was single. He's not real to me. He is a fantasy.

 

I am damaged and because of childhood trauma I escape reality. I have done that my whole life. I don't know how to be a real person or an adult.

 

I don't even think my suffering is caused by him. He is not the reason I'm messed up. I was already broken and he just catered to my trauma the right way.

 

I did not know any of these things about myself before. I wonder what I would discover if I went to therapy. Would therapy really help?

[Chica80]

YES!!! The answer to your question is YES therapy will help tremendously. Especially if there is past trauma.

 

Do you still talk to your AP?

How do you know this: I asked the MM a while ago, did he ever have another A. He said that he'll never do it again, it was too painful, and that he was better off before it happened, and he wished it had never happened.

[Girlfromcali]

YES!!! The answer to your question is YES therapy will help tremendously. Especially if there is past trauma.

 

Do you still talk to your AP?

How do you know this: I asked the MM a while ago, did he ever have another A. He said that he'll never do it again, it was too painful, and that he was better off before it happened, and he wished it had never happened.

 

Sometimes I talk to him. I think he has emotional affairs, or I know that he lets people close. He's not a secretive person so I think he'd tell me if he had another physical affair. I mean he told about his A to his W, his children, and the whole world.

 

I'm not really interested in speculating whether he's lying or not, though. That's not the point. He is and always was a fantasy. He and I would never have a relationship even if we were single because we are so different. We have nothing in common. It's obsession, desire, passion and everything but love. So who cares.

He's a total narcissist, and he has told me he wants to be a cake eater.

But I hate what my life has become. I hate that it happened.

[Cymbeline]

"I am damaged and because of childhood trauma I escape reality. I have done that my whole life. I don't know how to be a real person or an adult."

 

Try not to focus on the past affair and make it the reason you feel as you do, as I guess the above is your real problem. Your world isn't really 'blah'. It is probably normal and peaceful and routine. That's a good thing, in truth. Life is lived mostly in the small things and the secret to contentment is finding the live in those mundane moments and in ordinary connections with ordinary people. You can find it but you might need some support to do so.

 

I agree that therapy would be likely to help you enormously as increased sef awareness will help you to forsee how certain actions will affect you.

 

Good luck

[road]

It's been about 1 and 1/2 years since we "broke up"

 

If there's a word that I would use to describe the A, it would be "soul crushing". I don't know how else to describe it.

 

I asked the MM a while ago, did he ever have another A. He said that he'll never do it again, it was too painful, and that he was better off before it happened, and he wished it had never happened.

 

I understand what he means. I feel like my life will never be like it used to be. I feel like it ruined something. I'm not talking about what we did to our BS, nor trust, or remorse. I mean only the roller coaster of emotions, chemicals, intensity, and desire. It's like the world is now "blah".

 

I would not want him even if he was single. He's not real to me. He is a fantasy.

 

I am damaged and because of childhood trauma I escape reality. I have done that my whole life. I don't know how to be a real person or an adult.

 

I don't even think my suffering is caused by him. He is not the reason I'm messed up. I was already broken and he just catered to my trauma the right way.

 

I did not know any of these things about myself before. I wonder what I would discover if I went to therapy. Would therapy really help?

 

 

 

Are you still married and did your BH find out?

 

 

As to where you are now you remember the high and how good it felt that the affair gave your brain and how the affair damaged you, your family, marriage, and BH. You are being pulled two ways.

 

 

You realize that the price paid was not worth it. Though you are still addicted to your OM because you needed a fix, this is why you broke NC. Does your BH know that you broke NC?

 

 

This is where you have to start working so not to break NC again and to tell your BH that you broke NC. Tell BH that you need his help to maintain NC.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am sorry Girl- I can understand the BLAH feelings they happened to me after my affair ended within the first couple of months. Are you still married?

 

I would completely agree affairs are soul crushing but the further i remove myself from the situation the more I am coming to appreciate things that I took for granted before. My affair brought me to the most extreme lows I have ever experienced and because of that I now appreciate little things that make me happy (including the mundane of life). I am really working on finding fulfillment within myself and appreciating that my emotions do not have to be at the highest of highs - because this typically equates to a crash and an extreme low and depressive feeling.

 

I think counseling would help you out greatly in all reality at this point what do you have to lose?

[Girlfromcali]

I have only met him twice, years ago. I would understand a few months but years? I talk to him rarely but I see him in our mutual online group. It's hard for me to leave the group, I struggle with that.

It's not like I talk to him about anything. He has no interest in me except for physical. He wants me to exist for him but he has no interest in knowing anything about me as narcissists rarely do.

 

Yes, I'm married and my H is the opposite of a narcissist. He is everything to me. He has a physical condition where we can't be physically intimate but there's a lot of love.

[Girlfromcali]

My issue is not with him. He has always been the same. I have trouble understanding myself and my choosing to suffer. It's some kind of pattern that goes all the way to my childhood. I had to fight for my father's and even my brother's affection. It's like an issue I have.

 

I never knew it before because my H is the most loving person I have ever met. So, I don't get why I'd put myself through that.

 

I think I seek drama. My dad was an alcoholic. I seek chaos. I get bored when there's nothing to suffer about.

 

I get obsessed with people. Mostly it's non sexual and with women if I think they have something I want.

Edited December 5, 2016 by Girlfromcali

[HeCantBreakMe]

My issue is not with him. He has always been the same. I have trouble understanding myself and my choosing to suffer. It's some kind of pattern that goes all the way to my childhood. I had to fight for my father's and even my brother's affection. It's like an issue I have.

 

I never knew it before because my H is the most loving person I have ever met. So, I don't get why I'd put myself through that.

 

I think I seek drama. My dad was an alcoholic. I seek chaos. I get bored when there's nothing to suffer about.

 

I get obsessed with people. Mostly it's non sexual and with women if I think they have something I want.

 

My dad was an alcoholic as well and i have a lot of problems because of it.

 

Just curious do you have siblings, and if so were you the middle child?

[freengreen]

I have only met him twice, years ago. I would understand a few months but years? I talk to him rarely but I see him in our mutual online group. It's hard for me to leave the group, I struggle with that.

It's not like I talk to him about anything. He has no interest in me except for physical. He wants me to exist for him but he has no interest in knowing anything about me as narcissists rarely do.

 

Yes, I'm married and my H is the opposite of a narcissist. He is everything to me. He has a physical condition where we can't be physically intimate but there's a lot of love.

wow!.. i met mine thru a mutual group as well. And except the physical part, we had almost exact things. Mines been a long distance EA.

 

Get out of that group. I did that. Firstly I assure no one cares after 24 hrs of you exiting group. It helped me A LOT..It will help you to let that person fade away from your life.

[Girlfromcali]

I feel sad that we are not in love anymore like we used to be. I mean..I know we never were but we thought we were. That feeling is gone.

I have been so focused on falling out of love that I didn't realize that he also is going to stop loving me. So sad.

 

Love Poem

 

I have erased the evidence. My heart remembers things I wish I didn't. These tears beyond the surface, constant and heavy

remind me of losing something I never had.

I want to hurt you, yet not enough for you

to stop loving me, the fantasy girl.

Day after day, I count the days until I stop counting. The stabs at my heart get weaker and weaker. I let you go...

the pain

the last remnant of the thing that never was, something I never had..soon gone too. There is no history, no stories.

Don't worry I have already forgotten your face. Only a name, your name, a ghost remains.

Fall out

of love..every day, slowly, hours, minutes, seconds.. This precious agony

Soon the colors will be black and white once again. Do you feel it dying?

The emptiness.

This poem will be the only proof of the love that never existed;

every single emotion erased. Fantasy. Fog. Drug. Elation. Roller coaster. Pain. Butterflies. Hope. Desperation. Longing. Desire. Passion. Begging. Bargaining. Wanting. Obsessing.

Not love.

How could I describe you/it?

Only these words will stay.

 

It's the desire I miss. I have never felt such strong desire towards anyone in my life. How do you give that up.

[cloche]

"It's the desire I miss. I have never felt such strong desire towards anyone in my life. How do you give that up."

 

I hear you.

 

Just a thought: check out Joseph Burgo's online writings about what he calls 'basic shame'...interesting stuff, and might just resonate for you.

[jennifernyc84]

I understand how both of you feel completly.

 

It changes you. You can't just go back to normal life after. Normal relationships just seem like they won't cut it. I will never have another A but I do miss the intense passion and pleasure while doing it.

[Cymbeline]

Here are two essays that might give some comfort:

 

 

Our Most Romantic Moments | The Book of Life

 

 

How Romanticism Ruined Love | The Book of Life

 

They come from here:

 

Relationships | The Book of Life

[freengreen]

You know, I sometimes think , IF I was married to OM would I be happier?... the answer comes in pico seconds, NO.

 

If I made a list about what I could get on with between my H and OW.. my husband has been winning hands down. Yes my H and I had big issues, but when you think of it, OM and I would have had gigantic ones.

 

The only area OM wins over him would be his words and how he puts it... whoa they just knock you down before you even start fighting.

 

You have to realise that most of the A is false. You think its lifting you up but only until a certain point, then it lets you go. You fall on your face.

Edited December 20, 2016 by freengreen

[Girlfromcali]

I don't want to be with him, I just miss the feeling I used to have.

It feels like someone wrapping you in a warm blanket.

 

Now in reality?? No way I'd want him. He has a totally different life and I have never wanted what his wife has.

I do get jealous sometimes of them, but in reality I am way different.

[Girlfromcali]

Satu made realize something about him. I've never realized it before but his psychopathy must come from the fact that he was spoiled. His W is like a mother who does everything he wants and takes care of him. (Just like his mother did)

When he said that he wants me only to exist for him, I thought it was because of his narcissism, but I know now that it's not just that he's a regular cake eater. He's damaged because his mother spoiled him.

 

I also never understood how he can stay faithful (physically) to one woman but I think it has something to do with his closeness to his mother. In a way he loves women (women never hurt him, they take care of him). His aggression is directed to men that disrespect him.

 

I told him yesterday that he never gives me anything, and as soon as I need him he shuts down. He said that I was right, and that he's sorry, feels depressed etc.

He doesn't deny his faults or narcissism. When I tell him, he listens and agrees. However, he never changes. I can't be anyone who takes care of a man. I'm too narcissistic myself.

 

Also, I think I partly find him so fascinating because his personality and faults interest me in a psychological level. He's just so interesting to me, like a psychopath would be.

[Girlfromcali]

Also that's why he gets all women to fall in love with him because women love to feel needed, and be the caretaker of a man, especially if the man is a "bad boy" and aggressive that is going to protect you.

The reality is that he would never take care of me.

[Girlfromcali]

And this is hard for me because every time I understand him or why he is the way he is, then I forgive him for everything. I know this hurts me so much. I don't get anything from him. He doesn't even let me be his "therapist" anymore.

 

Now he only uses me to jerk off basically. Lol..can you imagine where I would be if I actually lived near him and would have sex with him?

He would just use me to get off and then disregard me like an old rag.

[Girlfromcali]

When we broke up almost two years ago, I immediately knew it was over. I never was able to get over him, though.

So, then I was like, o.k I will wait and grieve and take my time. Then I tried NC, never was able to..always making excuses. Then trying to justify to myself, o.k I am at least moving forward, doing things I love, getting somewhere, volunteering in several different places to take my mind off. And it helps a lot! However, there is this enormous void now that never existed before. This sorrow and pain. I don't mind the sorrow and pain and misery but is this ever going to stop? Am I ever going to snap out of this? Do I really need to go to therapy?

[aileD]

you need to get out of the group and get to NC

 

That's the way you get over it. Having that stressor in your life constantly is not letting you move forward

[Girlfromcali]

you need to get out of the group and get to NC

 

That's the way you get over it. Having that stressor in your life constantly is not letting you move forward

 

 

It's an addiction but yes.

[Girlfromcali]

I can't get over the humiliation. I put myself in that situation. I can't get over the humiliating fact that he was talking to other females at the same time, probably telling them the same things.

 

I relapsed. I mentioned his name to a woman, who let me know he was talking to her. Well I knew they were talking but a detail. I did it to myself. I am so pitiful.

[Girlfromcali]

I can't get over the humiliation that I let it happen to me.

 

I can't forgive myself that I let him seduce as easily as all those others.

[BaileyB]

Yes, you really need therapy. Please, find someone you feel comfortable talking with and get some support for yourself.

 

Life is a journey. Nobody moves through this life without making mistakes and feeling pain. How you handle that - whether you learn and grow from your mistakes to move forward in a positive way is entirely up to you.

 

There is no shame in talking with a counsellor. Best wishes.