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My story as the OW


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Oh boy ... let me just start by saying I'm THAT stupid girl. I'm not sure why I'm here sharing this; I guess I just need to get it out and have people not attached to me give me their honest opinions.

 

It started out mid-June. We work together... I work full-time and he's an intern. He's in school for his second degree so we are still in the same age range (early to mid 30s). It came up unexpectedly and got serious between us very quickly. He obviously said he is unhappy in his marriage. She's very controlling and insecure. If everything he tells me is true, there are real double standards concerning how she can spend her free time and spend money (basically however she wants) and how he does the same (only with her approval). She's a SAHM and he works when he can while he's in school. I am divorced with a child (5) and he has two (1 and 2).

 

We saw each other whenever we could. The passion and emotions were undeniable. It was easy enough during the summer to ignore that he was married but when he started back in school, it became so clear to me that it he is in fact married. I knew this going in, but it didn't really bother me until he went back to school. He never wore his wedding ring to work, even before we started our relationship. I really started to struggle with him being married and he keeps telling me he just needed time - that he needed to do it in his own way. To this point, he has told me that he saw a lawyer, he and the wife have had conversations about being unhappy in the marriage, and recently moved into the guest room to get space and think about what he wants.

 

For me it changes day to day whether or not I can believe him. Some days I can see all of the things that are evidence that he really does want to leave. The most recent is hearing from other coworkers that he's told them he's unhappy and thinking about leaving her. Other days I can see how all of this is complete and utter bull****.

 

The situation as it currently stands...

 

We've been fighting a lot the past month or so and I finally broke up with him. It was a really tough weekend, we continued to see each other and what not. In the end, we decided to take a break. He wants to get through the holidays as a family and also wants to be able to do well during finals. He also said he just wants space to help figure out how to leave the marriage (or if he really wants to). I agreed to that and said I would be single and carry on with my life as such. We agreed to talk again after the new year when we come back to work.

 

I've been struggling with this a lot. I miss him like crazy. It's been a little over two weeks since we stoppped talking, aside from one call last week. It's causing me a lot of anxiety and lately I've been considering telling his wife just to put an end to everything. I don't know what I'll do in January if he says he still doesn't know what he wants. If he wants to stay in the marriage, I know he won't tell her and there's a big part of me that wants to tell her so she can make an informed decision. I have indisputable proof of our affair with pics and screenshots.

 

I don't know if there's ever been a time in my life when I have felt so lost. I guess I just need a place where I am completely free to express my feelings about this.

 

Sometimes a part of me thinks this "space" he requested is to let me down easy thus lessening the chances of me telling the wife. Sometimes a part of me believes he really does need space to evaluate how to move forward in his life. I will see him tomorrow at work. It'll be the first time I've seen him since we broke up. I'm not sure how to handle it.

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eye of the storm

Welcome to LS.

 

What I got from reading your post is a couple of things. Since he is getting wishy washy about leaving you want to push the issue and tell his wife. So she can make an informed decision. Which you never cared about her doing before.

 

When involved in an A, we become very good liars, to ourselves and to others. Be honest. You want to tell his W so she kicks him out and you can have him. That's honest. But what will you be getting. An angry man who did not choose you. You were second best and only got him because she kicked him out. Is that what you want? To be someone that only got your guy because he had no other option? Also, he will not be cut off from his kids and he won't be blaming himself, he will blame you. Because he didn't tell, you did.

 

He tells you she is selfish and insecure. I would be insecure if I were married to a man that can spend a summer of love with some other woman leaving me home with a toddler and an infant. And he is so miserable at home that his wife keeps magically popping out children.

 

Now, you say you switch day by day on if you believe him. You are doing that because you know what he is. A man willing to cheat on his wife with 2 very young children at home. You see the lies he tells you, the push and pull, the blame shifting. And there is a part of you that is screaming at you to pull back before you go over the cliff.

 

But the rose colored fantasy is just so appealing. All will be well there. Happiness, unicorn farts and all. She is at home dealing with small children and he is off playing in summer time fields with you. If you get him, that will be your future. You will be struggling with real life issues and he will be playing games with another woman who is foot loose and fancy free.

 

Now, there are men who leave (rare but happens). They usually act pretty fast. They put plans in motion and follow thru on time frames. Notice I said they, not you. If he truly wants to be with you. Back off. Tell him when he leaves and moves out to let you know and you will be all up in him again. But until then, nope. Then gather your self respect up and walk.

 

Otherwise you will be back, again and again, lamenting about the woes of being an OW and why won't he leave. Or telling us with glee how he will leave when the kids start school/finish school/graduate college/get married/have grandchildren. The timeline will get pushed because he knows no matter what he says or how he treats you, you will stick around. Because who you are will be gone and you will be his toy to play with whenever he is bored and put back in that sad lonely box when he has better things to do.

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HeCantBreakMe

Wow, did we date the same MM?- Probably?!! I heard the same things EXACTLY and in the end he didn't leave and never will. He will however come back in January with talk of love and missing you and just wanting to make the right decision and not hurt his kids. I am sure he will ask for more time and/or tell you just can't leave her without you in his life though ..

 

You are single, enjoy it. Live your life (without him) and if he wants to join you in your world (ON YOUR TERMS) then he will. If not then you are so young and again SINGLE - enjoy it!!

 

Do not compromise your values for him. Trust me. These men are all the same. Liars, Manipulators, Cowards, Conflict Avoidant, Serial Cheaters, Insecure, and the list goes on..

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Welcome to Loveshack.

 

You've made it to one of the very few places where your predicament will be understood.

 

Keep posting.

 

 

Take care.

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Read the last three posts I made in the thread, "when will he finally leave his wife?"

 

Everything I said in that thread applies here as well.

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He will consider you telling his wife as a way for you to try to push the issue of him leaving his wife for you. This happened to me and I wasn't even calling to tell his wife anything but to check on his welfare. I was definitely not trying to push any issue! However, ANY type of contact to their wife is considered being pushed and possibly betrayal by the married man. Do not contact the wife if you have any desire for him to see you in a positive light ever again. He will hate you and resent you forever. If she is meant to learn about his affair, let HIM tell her on his own and in his own time if he chooses. Most wives also blame the other woman even more so than their husband, so if you are looking to be blamed for the affair by his wife because she will see you as the one who pursued her husband who just couldn't help himself, feel free to tell her but she more than likely won't believe you when you tell her he pursued you. Ten years from now and longer, you will forever be that horrible women that tried to take her husband from her, and she may very well want to drive the Karma bus your way to make you suffer even more from what you did with her husband. This is just what I have experienced and if I could go back in time and to not have made the welfare call to his house, I would in a heartbeat. The past three months have been a living nightmare in my life thanks to that one single call I made. Please, if I can be an example of what not to do in an affair, it is to never call the other persons spouse. Let time/karma take care of that for you.

Edited by Ahurtgirl
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If he wants to stay in the marriage, I know he won't tell her and there's a big part of me that wants to tell her so she can make an informed decision.

 

 

Why the sudden care about her choices in life? Please don't try and kid us, or more importantly kid yourself that you're concerned about her in any way shape or form.

 

She's nobody to you. Except the wife of the man you've been having an affair with and she's an obstacle for you. You want her out of the picture.

 

You just want her man for yourself.

 

He's not going to leave her with the prospect of child and spousal support for the next 17 years at least. Plus he'd have a 1 and 2 year old to cope with during his visitation.... it'll be super hectic for him.

 

She's raising the kids while he pursues his career and this is how he repays her.

 

Eye of the StorM nailed it in her post.

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Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. Some things are definitely tough to read but I wouldn't have posted here if I didn't want to face them.

 

I will be honest in saying that my main motivation for telling right now would be out of vindictiveness and spite. There are reasons why I don't. I came in this willingly, knowing he was married. Telling her would be shifting the responsibility. Sometimes I just want him to hurt like I am hurting now. I know she's innocent and he's likely painting her as this awful person. It's just something I think about when I'm feeling particularly low.

 

What really struck me in one reply was why I waffle so much between believing and not believing - I don't want to face who I know him to really be. He's shown me the lying and coniving he's capable of pulling off. I'd be foolish to think he would be different.

 

I guess I just needed to read the things from you all that I haven't been able to face myself. Thank you all for your honesty.

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He does need space and so do you.

 

I know this is hard. But the only way to deal with this and not have the back and forth you have now is to cut off all contact with him while he's married.

 

He will either say ok and stay married to his wife and nothing will change and then you'll know you were just an affair to him.

 

Or, he'll get a divorce, move out, and properly deal with the end of his marriage and all he emotions that come with that...and he'll contact you as a free man to see where the relationship goes.

 

As far as telling his wife. At this point where he doesn't know what he wants...and you tell his wife....you'll only make him hate you and you will be public enemy #1 to both of them.

 

I hope that you see a lot of similarities with your story and the other stories here and can see through some of the same old song and dance lines most MM say....and I hope you know you deserve better. Especially since it's not just you....it's you and your child. Don't get caught up in all this, because it isn't just you that you get caught up in it, your kid gets caught up in it too.

 

Walk away, respect his wife and their marriage and give him a chance to figure out what he's doing and act on it .

 

Good luck

Edited by aileD
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Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. Some things are definitely tough to read but I wouldn't have posted here if I didn't want to face them.

 

I will be honest in saying that my main motivation for telling right now would be out of vindictiveness and spite. There are reasons why I don't. I came in this willingly, knowing he was married. Telling her would be shifting the responsibility. Sometimes I just want him to hurt like I am hurting now. I know she's innocent and he's likely painting her as this awful person. It's just something I think about when I'm feeling particularly low.

 

What really struck me in one reply was why I waffle so much between believing and not believing - I don't want to face who I know him to really be. He's shown me the lying and coniving he's capable of pulling off. I'd be foolish to think he would be different.

 

I guess I just needed to read the things from you all that I haven't been able to face myself. Thank you all for your honesty.

 

Basically it comes down to this..Those who truly want to divorce, DO SO. Saying he wants to and he 'will' some day means nothing. Fact is, he still goes home and lives life with his wife. They celebrate holidays together, spend time with family and friends. He doesn't want to give up his whole life and start over again. He's happy enough having two women meet his needs. But if he has to choose, like most MM, they will choose to stay in their marriage.

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Yes, I agree wholeheartedly. We used to argue about it all of the time. I would tell him that he needs to choose and he would tell me he does choose me and ask why I couldn't see that. My reply was always that he goes home and choose that at the end of the day. In the end, he chooses neither me nor his wife; he chooses himself and what serves him.

 

Today was the first time we've seen each other at all in almost two weeks (this was at work). We briefly chitchatted about thanksgiving and our weekends before the conversation turned towards the relationship. He asked me how I was doing and I gave him my most honest answer - that I'm not really sad anymore but I am struggling with anxiety a little bit but overall, doing well. I have a therapist appointment on Thursday to help sort through everything. I admitted to not really knowing of what he told me is s real, that I joined a forum and read about other people's experiences and see the common themes be in particular was "I need you to get through this" and said how he told me that so many times. He seemed frustrated that I'm finally seeing through his lies. I also told him it was nice to be free of my phone and wondering where he was and why he couldn't text.

 

I said all of it with a smile on face and strength in my heart. I remained composed and never had to blink back a tear or have a crack in my voice. I told him I still cared for him (I opted to not say I love you), but that I just didn't know how I was going to feel on Jan 3 when we are supposed to talk about what he's figured out during all of this space.

 

His turn...

 

He still struggles a lot with the next to little communication but stays out of touch to make it easier on me. Things at home with the wife are cordial at best and he is still sleeping downstairs. He still cares for me blahblahblah.

 

I know he was really scared that I would move on during this space and, even if it's futile, even if he never plans to leave her, I hope my distance and detachment today hurts him. I hope he's scared more than ever that I'm not coming back.

 

My goal is that by Jan 3 when we are supposed to reevaluate the relationship, that I can go into the conversation and not care what's happening on his side. I would love to be free of this pain by then.

 

This place helps. It helps me realize how much I got played. Hopefully between the support of my friends, therapy, and reading here, I can get to that place. I was really proud of myself today for being so forthright and strong with him today. It's a drastic difference from last Tuesday when we talked on the phone. I was such a disaster.

 

Today I feel like I can take on the world!

Edited by drypuddle
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What is there to re-evaluate? On Jan 3rd he's either moved out and filed for divorce or he hasn't. He won't. So there's no relationship and nothing to re-evaluate.

 

I hope you can stay true to yourself and see that the only reason he's taking s break is because the holidays are important family time and he doesn't want to deal with the stress of your emotions during this time he's supposed to be with his family. So he's out you on hold...and is hoping to pick up where he left off after the holidays.

 

DONT LET HIM! demand actions and not just words!!! Sleeping in spare room is not an action....it's just words you have NO WAY of verifying.

 

Apartment. Divorce filed. Actions.

 

So far you are doing good ...stay strong

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Yes, that was my plan :) if he comes Jan 3 and he says he has his **** figured out and is ready to leave, ill say we can be together again when the divorce papers are signed. It won't be enough for them to file. I read somewhere on here where the MM did file papers but the divorce was stalled still, a year later, and until I read that, I never dreamed of using it as a tool to continue in both the affair and marriage. That's crazy!

 

Again, my hope is on that day I'll have completely moved on and it won't even matter if he is going forward with the divorce.

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eye of the storm

Drypuddle, You are on a roller coaster right now. You will have highs "I can do this" to lows "I can't do this anymore". Stay focused on your end game.

 

You mention a couple of times that you two will talk on Jan 3. You mention he will decide what's going on. Please remember. You have a choice too. And you can choose to walk away. And you can't make a decision till then because you are waiting. You do not have to wait.

 

Last note. He says he is sleeping separately...I bet his W will have a different story.

 

Therapy will help. I wish you luck.

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Why not move on Right Now? He'll drag his feet. Trust me. You don't need a set date to start living. Living starts Right Now.

 

You're giving off a vibe of desperation. Even if he chooses his wife, I have a feeling you'll still be in the picture. You need to have some self worth. Currently, you are placeholder. Think about that. You're waiting for him to decide. Why waste time?

 

One more thing. Him sleeping on the couch, that's BS.

Edited by BuddyX
Grammar
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Yeah I'm putting very little stock into what he's telling me currently and what he's told me in the past. This forum is definitely helping open my eyes to that.

 

I understand I have a choice too. :) my intention is to move on. It's why I'm here and why I'm going to see a therapist. This is all too much for me to work out on my own, and while my friends have been so awesome in supporting me, there is a lot of value in other resources.

 

It's so nice to just have a day where I feel SO GOOD! It's been so long since I've had a good day.

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Why not move on Right Now? He'll drag his feet. Trust me. You don't need a set date to start living. Living starts Right Now.

 

You're giving off a vibe of desperation. Even if he chooses his wife, I have a feeling you'll still be in the picture. You need to have some self worth. Currently, you are placeholder. Think about that. You're waiting for him to decide. Why waste time?

 

One more thing. Him sleeping on the couch, that's BS.

 

 

Thank you for support :) it's a long road to moving on and I'm just beginning.

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Think about how his wife is insecure and controlling. Do you think her behavior is unreasonable, considering that he is cheating on her? It's not like she's paranoid, he obviously can't be trusted. Yet you view her as the problem, instead of the liar and the cheater.

 

Sounds like he's the irresponsible one in his marriage and she's reacting to his poor character. My guess is that he's cheated before and has also lied about money.

 

The biggest mistake OW make is assuming that his lies and cheating are situational and a result of his marriage. The most likely scenario is that he lies and cheats because he has a poor character. He feels it's OK to lie and cheat to get what he wants. This won't change if he gets a divorce. He is not a good guy.

 

He manages his women by lying and telling them what they want to hear. He didn't want to deal with your drama over the holidays, so he manages to secure a break from you, while simultaneously dangling the carrot of "being together", keeping you emotionally invested so he can access you when he feels like it.

 

If you tell his wife, do it with the understanding that most marriages do not end over an affair. It likely won't prompt a divorce and if it did, he'll never forgive you for it. It sounds like his wife is aware of his issues and tries to keep him in line. Your affair with him will just be the most recent thing in a long line of disappointments. She should know, but dysfunctional marriages often last lifetimes. Also consider that your affair could be his passive aggressive way of punishing her for trying to control him.

 

A guy who wanted to be with you wouldn't be cool with you being single and possibly dating another guy. He may love you, but not enough to change his life over. He wants to keep family intact and have excitement/romance when its convenient for him. It's not about you or the connection between you- its about him finding someone willing to particpate in an affair. Ending it won't make him say "I can't live without her, I'm getting a divorce". It will just prompt him to find another woman who is willing to participate. You fill a role in his life, and that role is not there to replace his wife, it's there to enhance his existing life.

 

It's good that your intention is to end this, as it's not healthy for you.

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Thank you for your thoughtful reply quiet storm.

 

Everything everyone has said here is true. And they are definitely things I've known in my head but refusing to acknowledge in my heart. Something I'm hoping to accomplish in therapy is how to overcome that pull on my heartstrings and do what my head says to do. I've known all along this was not good, it was unhealthy, and it wasn't going to end well... but I still chose it. Obviously I'm lacking in a lot of departments in regards to how I feel about myself or else I wouldn't be in this position in the first place. Lots of growth to be had on my behalf.

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seekingtruth1234
Thank you for your thoughtful reply quiet storm.

 

Everything everyone has said here is true. And they are definitely things I've known in my head but refusing to acknowledge in my heart. Something I'm hoping to accomplish in therapy is how to overcome that pull on my heartstrings and do what my head says to do. I've known all along this was not good, it was unhealthy, and it wasn't going to end well... but I still chose it. Obviously I'm lacking in a lot of departments in regards to how I feel about myself or else I wouldn't be in this position in the first place. Lots of growth to be had on my behalf.

A slightly different perspective...

 

As an xMM who has left his BS and divorced (paperwork being finalized) I can say part of my early struggle was the guilt of being "that guy" who left his wife for another woman. I knew I wasn't happy in my marriage. But early on I had trouble really pulling the trigger. And through therapy, I discovered it was because as long as I was still in a relationship with my AP, I would always think in my mind I was leaving my wife for her. There is a lot of guilt that comes with that decision. Kids involved, its very complicated.

 

I don't think straight NC is effective without real purpose. My AP and I went through NC several times, usually not lasting long, neither of us could sustain it. Finally one time, she said it was really over. She said reach out all you want, I need to move on. And I knew she meant it (for reasons not important here).

 

The thing is, the finality of it gave me clarity to do what I wanted and leave my wife. It wasn't that I was afraid to lose my AP, because I really thought I had. I knew at that point, that even if I didn't get back with my AP, I would be happier out of my marriage. Sometimes the affair does cloud things, it did for me.

 

Other posters here is correct. He wants to wait till January 3rd so he can enjoy his time with his family. He's probably not sleeping downstairs. He's living his married life And come January 3rd, he's not gonna do anything different.

 

My advice to you:

 

Don't wait. Set yourself free. Set him free. Reach out and tell him you want him to be happy but you are really truly moving on, that you are done. No long discussion. He'll want to talk and understand why. Don't do it. You don't need to block his texts or emails. He'll reach out. you can read them if you want. But don't respond. Don't answer his call.

 

The only thing you should respond to is if he reaches out and says "I have moved out and started my divorce proceedings". Nothing else will matter. And as hard as it will be, don't wait for that text. Live your life and if that text comes, then YOU decide what to do with it. If he wants to be with you, he will make it happen. Plain and simple.

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Thank you seekingtruth for offering a different perspective. It's much appreciated!

 

Stuff got really bad last night. Long story short, I texted her. He texted me at 2 AM thanking me for ruining his marriage. She didn't reply to my texts. I sent her an email giving enough detail so she can't doubt anything but not so much that it was like salt in the wound. I have no idea if she's even seen it.

 

 

UPDATE:

 

she sent a text acknowledging my text and emails. Asked that I let them work on their marriage and said she didn't need to hear anymore.

Edited by drypuddle
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Thank you seekingtruth for offering a different perspective. It's much appreciated!

 

Stuff got really bad last night. Long story short, I texted her. He texted me at 2 AM thanking me for ruining his marriage. She didn't reply to my texts. I sent her an email giving enough detail so she can't doubt anything but not so much that it was like salt in the wound. I have no idea if she's even seen it.

 

 

UPDATE:

 

she sent a text acknowledging my text and emails. Asked that I let them work on their marriage and said she didn't need to hear anymore.

 

I hope you respect her wishes .

 

His response to you just goes to prove everything he said was a lie. Sleeping downstairs? Yeah right.

 

I am really hurt for this BS who has to now deal with this at Christmas.

 

What prompted you to text her?

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HeCantBreakMe
Thank you seekingtruth for offering a different perspective. It's much appreciated!

 

Stuff got really bad last night. Long story short, I texted her. He texted me at 2 AM thanking me for ruining his marriage. She didn't reply to my texts. I sent her an email giving enough detail so she can't doubt anything but not so much that it was like salt in the wound. I have no idea if she's even seen it.

 

 

UPDATE:

 

she sent a text acknowledging my text and emails. Asked that I let them work on their marriage and said she didn't need to hear anymore.

 

Oh my!.. Just curious what your reasoning behind telling her was?

 

How do you feel now that you did tell her everything. Does your husband know the truth? If he doesn't you may need to tell him because there is a huge chance she or he will contact your husband at some point.

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eye of the storm

You didn't ruin their marriage. He took the actions to ruin his marriage. That text is just another blame shifting.

 

She got your text and asked you to now remove yourself and let them deal with the fallout. Please have some human compassion for the only person in this triangle who is innocent. Walk away.

 

Now, be aware, once he gets things settled down there (if he is able) he will probably start pinging you again. It is easier to get back an OW than groom a new one.

 

You threw your hand grenade. You know it landed. You know he was in the impact zone. You also know a woman with 2 very small children is devastated. Now it is time to work on you and why you got involved in the A. Heal, grow, learn, move forward away from this mess.

 

Don't look back. Move on.

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