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Improbable Romance [UPDATE: Is "Stop" the Only Response?]


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Hi there, I'm inviting tough love comments, because I think with the newness of my relationship and my intellectual understanding that it can't work, I just might be able to stop this. But my heart is totally into this.

 

Met a man in September in another country while on a trip with a girlfriend. I slept with him that same day. As background, I was married for 14 years, have had two long-term relationships since, but for the past three years have been celibate and not in a relationship. So this was a crazy end to that period of my life. I can't explain how this man swept me off my feet. I didn't feel particularly vulnerable but it happened. (I'm leaving a lot of important details out to keep it short.) And then I found out he was married. Well that's the guess. I have really good cause to believe there is no marriage but a long-term relationship with one child.

 

I've now gone back twice to visit and am scheduled for a third visit. Every time I think about this, I try to let it go, but he's introduced me to family and friends (I know, the audacity), and he takes such genuine interest in me and my life. My marriage ended because of my ex's affair, so I know what this feels like on the other end. But:

 

1. The sex was, bar none, the best I have ever had in my entire life.

2. He is incredibly attractive, takes excellent care of his body and mind.

3. He's so sweet, charming, masculine and into me.

 

In my head this was happening because I'm trying to put myself out there. I'm trying to not to lead the stress-filled, straight and narrow prudish life I've lived for three years. I even think I am capable of trying to start a relationship here in the States, while still "practicing" getting my mojo back with this man in another country. But, alas, #1-3 are making it hard for me to allow space for another man.

 

Please tell me the exact words and actions I need to take on this next trip to make me capable of giving him up.

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First and foremost, verify his relationship status first. Talk to him, confront (gently) since it's like you really want him to be "the guy."

 

Next, this is more of a personal opinion and possibly my own practice in this future, observe his interaction with his ex (if confirmed) and child. Are they amicable? Is he a good father? This will give you an idea of his morals, personality and values. You need a really good person to be your partner anyway (You've been through a divorce already, you will not want another once down the road)

 

And for the #1-3

 

1.) Are you sure this is not just because of your 3-year celibacy? I mean, if I abstain from sex for 3 years, even a quickie would be amazing! Haa

2.) Only you can determine this so, push!

3.) Nice, but again try to observe his interaction with other people, especially his ex and child. Predators can be very gentleman and sweet when they are still enjoying the sex.

 

Have fun!

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Keep the heart aside for a while, if its too good to be true, it probably is. I wont just smash down everything you said but I see this man a charmer. They have these citations from somewhere and keep sweeping women off their feet at a rate.

 

Be present and take care :).

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Please tell me the exact words and actions I need to take...

 

so he has a partner & a child -- he's having an affair with you + introducing you to his family and friends (by the way... how did he introduce you...? as a lover, friend, girlfriend...? and how did it make you feel...? asking because i'd feel super humiliated if it was me.) = just ask him WHY? why is he doing this, what does he want, what plan does he have...?

 

WHY is he cheating on his partner and flaunting it in front of EVERYBODY? nobody ever bothers to ask that and i honestly don't know why. if i guy i'm dating ends up being married - the FIRST THING i will ask him is... well, WHY?

 

stop ignoring this huge elephant in this room and start taking interest in your lover's character & THEN... you'll move in SOME direction - breaking up, moving on, him deciding to leave his partner for you... whatever that direction is. but it is important to at least MOVE from the place you're in right now.

 

p.s. did he introduce you to his child?

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First and foremost, verify his relationship status first. Talk to him, confront (gently) since it's like you really want him to be "the guy."

 

Next, this is more of a personal opinion and possibly my own practice in this future, observe his interaction with his ex (if confirmed) and child. Are they amicable? Is he a good father? This will give you an idea of his morals, personality and values. You need a really good person to be your partner anyway (You've been through a divorce already, you will not want another once down the road)

 

And for the #1-3

 

1.) Are you sure this is not just because of your 3-year celibacy? I mean, if I abstain from sex for 3 years, even a quickie would be amazing! Haa

2.) Only you can determine this so, push!

3.) Nice, but again try to observe his interaction with other people, especially his ex and child. Predators can be very gentleman and sweet when they are still enjoying the sex.

 

Have fun!

 

Thanks for your response! Yes, I'm sure there is a relationship. He lives with a woman and their 14 year old son. She is not an ex. He is definitely a doting father, that much I know, but I don't know much about his relationship with this woman. I know he wants more children but she refuses. And that could be an issue.

 

From what I can tell from his friends, he seems to be awesome. For example, one of them told me when he had car trouble, my guy took him to and from work every day for two weeks even though it meant going in the opposite direction and getting up at 4:30 am to get it all done. Like how can you not like that?

 

And I also thought "the food tasted better because I was starving too," but no, I have a vivid memory and not shy about the bedroom. This man has stamina that I cannot begin to describe, and I might get blocked if I say too much more. He is the best I have ever had, and I think this alone is what's making it so hard to quit him.

 

I feel like I need him to be an a--hole to get him out of my life and he's just not that, yet.

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Keep the heart aside for a while, if its too good to be true, it probably is. I wont just smash down everything you said but I see this man a charmer. They have these citations from somewhere and keep sweeping women off their feet at a rate.

 

Be present and take care :).

 

You are right, Freengreen. I can't imagine he isn't doing this with others as well. When I was on the trip with my girlfriend, my attitude was well, this is a fling, it's not leading anywhere so who cares? But now that we talk every day, and of course have shared intimate details about our lives, I'm kinda hooked, even though it still can't go anywhere.

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so he has a partner & a child -- he's having an affair with you + introducing you to his family and friends (by the way... how did he introduce you...? as a lover, friend, girlfriend...? and how did it make you feel...? asking because i'd feel super humiliated if it was me.) = just ask him WHY? why is he doing this, what does he want, what plan does he have...?

 

WHY is he cheating on his partner and flaunting it in front of EVERYBODY? nobody ever bothers to ask that and i honestly don't know why. if i guy i'm dating ends up being married - the FIRST THING i will ask him is... well, WHY?

 

stop ignoring this huge elephant in this room and start taking interest in your lover's character & THEN... you'll move in SOME direction - breaking up, moving on, him deciding to leave his partner for you... whatever that direction is. but it is important to at least MOVE from the place you're in right now.

 

p.s. did he introduce you to his child?

 

Well, he introduced me as his American friend. There was some back and forth in French, but I quickly got the sense that this is a thing that they all understand and accept. Everyone was very kind to me. One friend took us out to dinner. His aunt cooked breakfast and dinner for me, and I spent hours talking with her. And his mother lives in the states, not far from me. He has not talked about her at all, and gathering from the aunt I sense there is a strain. Waiting to see how these dots connect, perhaps there is an angle for him. I didn't feel humiliated because when I met them, yes I had slept with him, but I was still very cognizant of the fact that I had only even been in his presence max three times myself.

 

I've gone back and forth a thousand times about asking the WHY question. At first, I was just trying to learn how to be carefree and not put too much pressure on what this is, but when I finally asked him, he didn't really answer. Long story short, he resurrected this joke I'd been telling about him putting a spell on me. I have to ask again.

 

I have not met his child, but I've seen pictures of everyone. His son and my daughter share a birthday (same year too) and he jokes that he wants them to meet.

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Very interesting thread Curious. You express yourself well and you have been able to express your conflicting feelings and issues well. I am looking forward to seeing how things play out here and the discussions that will be taking place on this thread.

 

I don't know if anyone has a true "answer" for you here that will solve everything and make the sunshine break through the clouds and we all hear angels singing and everything works out perfectly happily ever after.

 

Think of yourself and your sexuality in terms of highly complex machine with multiple operating systems and a wide array of activation switches that must be turned on and activated in the proper manner and the proper sequence to get the machine up and running at capacity.

 

I think what happened is your whole system got shut down and deactivated after your divorce and has been sitting there dormant for sometime. Then along comes Francois' and he managed to flip all the right switches and tuned all the right dials in the proper sequences and that machine fired right up and running like gang busters now.

 

I'm guessing you are at least in your mid to upper 30s but some things never really change. Even though you may be a mature, responsible and wise women, your limbic system and your hormones and your jay-jay still respond like a college coed when the right switches are flipped on.

 

Simply put you have a big ol' crush on the college Big Man On Campus and you are going to be leaving snail tracks on the ground even though he is dating the head cheerleader.

 

There's good news and bad news with this. Let's get the bad news out of the way first. you are going to come away with some bumps and scrapes and bruises when this is all over with. You're gonna get scuffed up and dirty being out on the field playing this game.

 

But the good news is you are out of the field actually playing and not just sitting in the bleachers watching others play!!!!!!!

 

Your sex machine is fired up and running again which means that even though this particular fling is not likely to work out into anything permanent, you will be able to brush yourself off and get back in the game again and have some fun and get some fresh air and exercise and make some new friends and who knows, maybe one of these days before too long, you'll meet another hunka hunka who makes your naughty bits tingle just as much and maybe that one will work out and stick :-D

 

Or maybe it won't, but you will at least be out there living life and having fun and getting your piece of the pie.

 

Bottom line here is you are right back to being a college girl having a big ol' crush and having horny hormones dripping out of her pores.

 

If you have niece or younger cousin or someone who is having a big ol' crush on the Big Man On Campus, what would you advise her to do???

 

- then do that.

Edited by oldshirt
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And on to practical matters, there may be some cultural differences at play here.

 

Some European cultures have a way different attitude and belief system towards marriage and sexuality etc than we do in the US.

 

(since we just got done with Thanksgiving, lets remember that even though we were taught in grade school that the Pilgrims left Europe for religious "freedom" it was actually so that they could practice a much more restrictive and harsh form of religion)

 

But anyway, it's not uncommon for Europeans to be much more tolerant and accepting of mistresses and concubines and suitors and such than it is in the US.

 

That can be both good and bad. on the good side, you may be able to see him and get your batteries charged a few more times and won't get your eyes clawed out by his wife and won't be all the drama and fallout that often happens here in the states.

 

But on the down side, it probably means that you would forever only be a mistress and a side piece. If all you want out of the deal is an international flight or two a year to get you some trim, then you have probably got yourself a good thing going.

 

But if you ultimately want a happy, healthy, full-time relationship of your own, then this obviously is not going to be it.

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From what I can tell from his friends, he seems to be awesome.

 

he's cheating on his partner; won't really elaborate, avoids to discuss it & jokes about it; humiliates his partner by introducing his mistress to the family & friends. for some reason - that doesn't bother you... at all. you don't take that fact into consideration when thinking about his character - why...? how does the fact that he's cheating fit into the Nice Guy profile? instead, you're focusing on basic traits (him being a good friend and doing what every other good friend does) & exaggerating them.

 

is it possible that his relationship with his partner is some kind of open... marriage, polygamy type of thing? maybe you're not his first girlfriend on the side and this is normal, expected in his environment?

 

ALSO: you want to be carefree & casual, just enjoying life and getting your mojo back... how does hooking up with an attached man who has a child fit into that plan? because having an affair is everything BUT carefree.

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In my head this was happening because I'm trying to put myself out there. I'm trying to not to lead the stress-filled, straight and narrow prudish life I've lived for three years. I even think I am capable of trying to start a relationship here in the States, while still "practicing" getting my mojo back with this man in another country. But, alas, #1-3 are making it hard for me to allow space for another man.

 

.

 

I think this is fine and I think it is great that you are getting your sexuality booted back up again.

 

This is going to carry over into other aspects of your life. You are going to have more energy and more zest for life. That's going to make you get on your feet and move around more. That will make you want to eat better. that will make you drop a few pounds (I'm not saying your fat. Just talking in general) you are going to smile more. That will make you get some Whitestips and whiten your teeth more. That will make people more interested in meeting you and shaking your hand. That will lead you to softening up the cracks around your knuckles and make you take better care of you nails and you may start polishing them a bright red which will catch even more attention. More attention will make you update your wardrobe and hair style. That will make single, available men step up and ask you out on legit dates.

 

You see you where I am going with this.

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1. The sex was, bar none, the best I have ever had in my entire life.

2. He is incredibly attractive, takes excellent care of his body and mind.

3. He's so sweet, charming, masculine and into me.

 

 

But, alas, #1-3 are making it hard for me to allow space for another man.

 

.

 

I get what you are saying, but this too shall pass.

 

You are full of school girl hormones right now. When you are full of hormones for one person, they kind of dull your senses towards other people.

 

But in time, these hormones for Francios' are going to fade. One of these days you are going to want to book a week at that adorable villa at the vineyard and he is going to be busy taking care of his wife after her surgery and going to some school pageant for his son and working at his father inlaws business to get the annual inventory completed before the deadline and it will all slam home that you are just his mistress to drain his tank and pump up his hormones when it is convenient for him.

 

When that happens, you'll come down off your school-girl hormone high and want a real relationship.

 

You will start noticing the legit men noticing you at that time.

 

This is going to be ok. You are going to get through this and come out the other side.

 

Like I said in my first post, you are going to get some bumps and bruises here and you are going to get scuffed up and dirty. But as long as you use your big head and do what you would tell your coed niece to do, you will come through it ok.

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You are right, Freengreen. I can't imagine he isn't doing this with others as well. When I was on the trip with my girlfriend, my attitude was well, this is a fling, it's not leading anywhere so who cares? But now that we talk every day, and of course have shared intimate details about our lives, I'm kinda hooked, even though it still can't go anywhere.
Curious,

 

People who are jerk$ are not jerks to everyone. My MM is a wonderful friend to soo many people ( mostly women), totally platonic and they respect him. But he has had cheated on his wife, even if we think optimistically if we assume that he did feel guilt and pain; it cant be denied that he hurt his wife.

 

I was in EA with him and he comes back if I leave, so its not like he wants to get rid of me. Again ,both of us were having it in shadows thus fooling spouses. Him, the second time. I never had any complaint from anyone who knows him that he was bad. I still think he is not that bad. BUT he played and played and played. Women would go woohoo after him years after he stopped giving attention. I was one of them. Now I have NC for almost 2 months and see from one step back, I wonder what actually made him so wannable. Like a hot cake. He must have those lines/ songs or comments ready and handy on which he is sweeping women off their feet.

 

What I am saying here is they might not be ars£h0le but they drag us into a spot where we will cut ourselves over them. We bleed dry. At the end, who did it?.. its us not him. No blood on his hands. And people around him will still say the same " he's a great guy"..

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If he is not married, and I mean if...

 

Why not just have fun for now? I am just saying.

 

Are you falling in love too deep?

 

I don't know, sounds great to me. I am not sure that is what you want to hear.

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Very interesting thread Curious. You express yourself well and you have been able to express your conflicting feelings and issues well. I am looking forward to seeing how things play out here and the discussions that will be taking place on this thread.

 

I don't know if anyone has a true "answer" for you here that will solve everything and make the sunshine break through the clouds and we all hear angels singing and everything works out perfectly happily ever after.

 

Think of yourself and your sexuality in terms of highly complex machine with multiple operating systems and a wide array of activation switches that must be turned on and activated in the proper manner and the proper sequence to get the machine up and running at capacity.

 

I think what happened is your whole system got shut down and deactivated after your divorce and has been sitting there dormant for sometime. Then along comes Francois' and he managed to flip all the right switches and tuned all the right dials in the proper sequences and that machine fired right up and running like gang busters now.

 

I'm guessing you are at least in your mid to upper 30s but some things never really change. Even though you may be a mature, responsible and wise women, your limbic system and your hormones and your jay-jay still respond like a college coed when the right switches are flipped on.

 

Simply put you have a big ol' crush on the college Big Man On Campus and you are going to be leaving snail tracks on the ground even though he is dating the head cheerleader.

 

There's good news and bad news with this. Let's get the bad news out of the way first. you are going to come away with some bumps and scrapes and bruises when this is all over with. You're gonna get scuffed up and dirty being out on the field playing this game.

 

But the good news is you are out of the field actually playing and not just sitting in the bleachers watching others play!!!!!!!

 

Your sex machine is fired up and running again which means that even though this particular fling is not likely to work out into anything permanent, you will be able to brush yourself off and get back in the game again and have some fun and get some fresh air and exercise and make some new friends and who knows, maybe one of these days before too long, you'll meet another hunka hunka who makes your naughty bits tingle just as much and maybe that one will work out and stick :-D

 

Or maybe it won't, but you will at least be out there living life and having fun and getting your piece of the pie.

 

Bottom line here is you are right back to being a college girl having a big ol' crush and having horny hormones dripping out of her pores.

 

If you have niece or younger cousin or someone who is having a big ol' crush on the Big Man On Campus, what would you advise her to do???

 

- then do that.

 

You've got me giggling like a school girl here at work. This is exactly what's happening to me, and this post is probably the closest I'll get to sunshine breaking through the clouds. I totally feel like a new person. I feel like I wasn't living at all before. It was HARD to have that experience and come back to my regular mundane life. So I've made a bunch of other changes. Yes, among them keeping myself dolled up :) And I know the smart thing to do is to use this awakening for a real relationship. I'd tell my niece to run far away from a married man, of course.

 

And the funny thing is I married very young, so I never had that college experience. I met my ex husband in high school and got married in my sophomore year of college, because I was crazy of course :) I have told my friends I feel like I am living my life in reverse.

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And the funny thing is I married very young, so I never had that college experience. I met my ex husband in high school and got married in my sophomore year of college, because I was crazy of course :) I have told my friends I feel like I am living my life in reverse.

 

You're not living life in reverse, you are just living it.

 

You had a period of traditional marriage and that came to an end.

 

Then you had a period of dormancy and now that is coming to an end.

 

And now you have developed a crush on the jock that is with the cheerleader.

 

Basically all women have had the crush on the Big Man On Campus and basically all women have gotten down with the alpha male that has a little harem of other girls that are all fluttering around with their hearts going pitter-pat and their knees all wobbely being all full of hormones.

 

It's no different than a car full of college boys going home from the strippers with boners in their pants and all revved up. The difference here is the alpha males and the jocks will actually bang the star-struck school girls where as most guys will not actually get to bang the stripper. Otherwise it is the same thing.

 

Just think of Fancios' as the male analogy of a stripper and you'll have your answer as to what you need to do.

 

But anyway getting back to my point, you aren't living in reverse. You are just doing what almost all girls do at some point. You are just doing it later. You'll snap out of it just like everyone else.

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And on to practical matters, there may be some cultural differences at play here.

 

Some European cultures have a way different attitude and belief system towards marriage and sexuality etc than we do in the US.

 

(since we just got done with Thanksgiving, lets remember that even though we were taught in grade school that the Pilgrims left Europe for religious "freedom" it was actually so that they could practice a much more restrictive and harsh form of religion)

 

But anyway, it's not uncommon for Europeans to be much more tolerant and accepting of mistresses and concubines and suitors and such than it is in the US.

 

That can be both good and bad. on the good side, you may be able to see him and get your batteries charged a few more times and won't get your eyes clawed out by his wife and won't be all the drama and fallout that often happens here in the states.

 

But on the down side, it probably means that you would forever only be a mistress and a side piece. If all you want out of the deal is an international flight or two a year to get you some trim, then you have probably got yourself a good thing going.

 

But if you ultimately want a happy, healthy, full-time relationship of your own, then this obviously is not going to be it.

 

If I force myself to think really hard about it, he is probably nothing like the person I'd want to be married to, because of course he is unfaithful (and I'm struggling to believe that anyone is), but also because our backgrounds are so different. I thought I could accept this as a fling where I get to play around in a place where no one knows me, but the more I see and talk to him, the more attached I'm becoming. Maybe I'm a bit doe-eyed, but every day I sense he's getting attached too.

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he's cheating on his partner; won't really elaborate, avoids to discuss it & jokes about it; humiliates his partner by introducing his mistress to the family & friends. for some reason - that doesn't bother you... at all. you don't take that fact into consideration when thinking about his character - why...? how does the fact that he's cheating fit into the Nice Guy profile? instead, you're focusing on basic traits (him being a good friend and doing what every other good friend does) & exaggerating them.

 

I cannot argue this. You're absolutely right. Answering this means confronting the fact that I too am complicit. And that's hard. I thought my divorce was going to kill me it was so painful. I couldn't imagine how another woman could do such a thing, now here I am in her shoes sort of. "It's complicated" is trite, but true.

 

is it possible that his relationship with his partner is some kind of open... marriage, polygamy type of thing? maybe you're not his first girlfriend on the side and this is normal, expected in his environment?

 

I really don't know. But it strikes me that as suave as he was (and bold and daring) I obviously wasn't the first person this has happened with. I told him I know he has a harem, he just laughs. But I couldn't help but think of this from a wife's perspective. A woman knows. Sooner or later, she figures it out. I don't know what the consequences would be for him.

 

ALSO: you want to be carefree & casual, just enjoying life and getting your mojo back... how does hooking up with an attached man who has a child fit into that plan? because having an affair is everything BUT carefree.

 

Again, I can't argue that. I also am not emotionally ready to let go.

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I think this is fine and I think it is great that you are getting your sexuality booted back up again.

 

This is going to carry over into other aspects of your life. You are going to have more energy and more zest for life. That's going to make you get on your feet and move around more. That will make you want to eat better. that will make you drop a few pounds (I'm not saying your fat. Just talking in general) you are going to smile more. That will make you get some Whitestips and whiten your teeth more. That will make people more interested in meeting you and shaking your hand. That will lead you to softening up the cracks around your knuckles and make you take better care of you nails and you may start polishing them a bright red which will catch even more attention. More attention will make you update your wardrobe and hair style. That will make single, available men step up and ask you out on legit dates.

 

You see you where I am going with this.

 

I see what you did there! You're spot on. Have you been here before?

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I get what you are saying, but this too shall pass.

 

You are full of school girl hormones right now. When you are full of hormones for one person, they kind of dull your senses towards other people.

 

But in time, these hormones for Francios' are going to fade. One of these days you are going to want to book a week at that adorable villa at the vineyard and he is going to be busy taking care of his wife after her surgery and going to some school pageant for his son and working at his father inlaws business to get the annual inventory completed before the deadline and it will all slam home that you are just his mistress to drain his tank and pump up his hormones when it is convenient for him.

 

When that happens, you'll come down off your school-girl hormone high and want a real relationship.

 

You will start noticing the legit men noticing you at that time.

 

This is going to be ok. You are going to get through this and come out the other side.

 

Like I said in my first post, you are going to get some bumps and bruises here and you are going to get scuffed up and dirty. But as long as you use your big head and do what you would tell your coed niece to do, you will come through it ok.

 

It's odd but I actually find this comforting. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt, but I suppose I've already past that point of no return. At least I know what to expect. Thank you.

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CuriousQD, it is very easy to get attached to someone you don't see every day. The daily stressors aren't there. Talking to him is a break from reality. When you both pick up the phone you are able to totally focus on each other. But it isn't real its a break.

 

I was an OW for years. And here I am 6 years later, struggling to restart my life that I put on hold to be with someone that was not available to me.

 

As are a fantasy. You cannot live your life in a fantasy. Much as we would like to.

 

But if you are content to have an AP that you only talk to on the phone and see once/twice a year instead of going out and having a partner that you can see and touch when ever you want. So be it.

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Curious,

 

People who are jerk$ are not jerks to everyone. My MM is a wonderful friend to soo many people ( mostly women), totally platonic and they respect him. But he has had cheated on his wife, even if we think optimistically if we assume that he did feel guilt and pain; it cant be denied that he hurt his wife.

 

I was in EA with him and he comes back if I leave, so its not like he wants to get rid of me. Again ,both of us were having it in shadows thus fooling spouses. Him, the second time. I never had any complaint from anyone who knows him that he was bad. I still think he is not that bad. BUT he played and played and played. Women would go woohoo after him years after he stopped giving attention. I was one of them. Now I have NC for almost 2 months and see from one step back, I wonder what actually made him so wannable. Like a hot cake. He must have those lines/ songs or comments ready and handy on which he is sweeping women off their feet.

 

What I am saying here is they might not be ars£h0le but they drag us into a spot where we will cut ourselves over them. We bleed dry. At the end, who did it?.. its us not him. No blood on his hands. And people around him will still say the same " he's a great guy"..

 

Hmmm, this is excellent perspective I never considered. Your guy sounds a lot like mine. I do believe some men have this thing about them that is irresistible. And we temporarily lose our minds when we get caught up in that mist. What made you able to step back and leave the EA?

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If he is not married, and I mean if...

 

Why not just have fun for now? I am just saying.

 

Are you falling in love too deep?

 

I don't know, sounds great to me. I am not sure that is what you want to hear.

 

Well, yeah kinda it is. :laugh: I have to get straight answers. He does not wear a ring and I didn't see a line. And yes I've poked on FB (don't judge me). Neither she nor the son carry his name.

 

I have this little mantra in my head that I say after every morning call, "Don't fall in love, don't fall in love!" But I know me. Sooner or later. I'm hoping this hormone narrative is correct, and that I'll come down from this.

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It's odd but I actually find this comforting. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt, but I suppose I've already past that point of no return. At least I know what to expect. Thank you.

 

In looking back at my posts I probably do come off as sounding somewhat supportive and complicit of your "affair." I am normally quite harsh on cheaters and OW/OM.

 

I think the difference here with you is that you do grasp that this is a long-awaited hormone surge and a school girl crush and that it is not actually a fairytale romance and that there is not going to be a true happy ending here.

 

I think you know you are going to get a bloody nose and maybe even a few stitches out of this deal in the end.

 

I have faith that you are smart enough and strong enough to stop it before you get to that point. But I also think if you want it bad enough and are aware you are going to get some dings and scrapes, but want to experience it anyway, then that is on you. You'll get what you get and we can all say I told you so.

 

I think what you are finding "comforting" here, is that you have known all along what the outcome will be and you are just having some others confirm it.

 

It's kinda like when you have to go in for surgery. You know that you are going to be laid up awhile. You know it's going to hurt for awhile and you know it's going to be miserable while you are home recovering. But if the surgeon can spell out for you how many days you'll be in the hospital off your feet, living on soup and pain medication and then how many days you'll be home on the couch before you are up living a normal life again, it makes it a lot easier than going in under the knife without any clue of what lies ahead.

 

You're gonna get hurt here. You're may have some fun a thrills another time or two and then it is all going to start to unwind and you are going to find out that Francois' is just another playa' and you are just another sex toy and that this fairy tale romance is nothing more than a very expensive and time consuming booty call and ego boost for both of you.

 

But you are getting your girl-game back on and you are going to transition from cheated-on divorcee to hot, single chick ready to take on the singles dating market again soon.

 

That may or may not be worth a bloody nose and some stitches to you.

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You're not living life in reverse, you are just living it.

 

You had a period of traditional marriage and that came to an end.

 

Then you had a period of dormancy and now that is coming to an end.

 

And now you have developed a crush on the jock that is with the cheerleader.

 

Basically all women have had the crush on the Big Man On Campus and basically all women have gotten down with the alpha male that has a little harem of other girls that are all fluttering around with their hearts going pitter-pat and their knees all wobbely being all full of hormones.

 

It's no different than a car full of college boys going home from the strippers with boners in their pants and all revved up. The difference here is the alpha males and the jocks will actually bang the star-struck school girls where as most guys will not actually get to bang the stripper. Otherwise it is the same thing.

 

Just think of Fancios' as the male analogy of a stripper and you'll have your answer as to what you need to do.

 

But anyway getting back to my point, you aren't living in reverse. You are just doing what almost all girls do at some point. You are just doing it later. You'll snap out of it just like everyone else.

 

 

Gosh you're so wise!!! I feel like you're reading me like tea leaves. You've clearly seen this a time or two or a thousand. Are you saying though, that he couldn't be developing feelings for me? Just being the rooster in the hen house and that's it?

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