Too sad to function [UPDATED: Ebbs and Flows]

[FortyandForlorn]

So I'm a long time lurker, first time posting. Sorry if this is long.

 

I am married, 9 years now, with one child. Two years ago I scored the best job I have ever had. I work in a large company - lots of departments and employees. So I met a fellow employee. It was just hi whenever we had to work together. I always thought he was handsome, but never thought much about it - until one day he wasn't working there anymore.

 

Fast forward to 6 months later and I see that he's back working for the company, but in a different department, closer to by office. I was then I realized how intensely I was attracted to him. And him to me. We would just stare at each other, finding ways to say hi. Then we started having lunch together, going for walks and emailing all day long. He's also married, with kids (and 10 years younger than me), so we knew to keep contact limited to the work place and not to go further. This went on for months. It was getting more intense, so I felt I needed to tell my husband. I did and he was very understanding. Little did I know I was really falling for this guy in a way that I've never felt about anyone else, even my own husband. The idea that I'm more in love with this man than my husband saddens and frightens me. I thought all this would be nothing more than simple flirtations!

 

So the guy started limiting contact. No more lunches or walks and emails became fewer and fewer. I was really torn up about it, mainly because I was mourning the idea that I was losing a friend at work. So then we had the illusion that we could be friends, but I think we realized at the same moment (about 3 months ago) that we still had a lot of feelings and that we couldn't be friends. So I worked extra hard to avoid him.

 

Recently, my husband and I entered a really rough patch. I'm sad, I have a hard time connecting with my husband these days and I still think about the coworker all the time. I feel like I'm going crazy, numbing my emotions with alcohol, and pushing my husband away. And now i get jealous if I see this guy hanging out with other women. I have never been jealous in my entire life. I'm not realizing that this won't go away unless one of us gets a new job, which I really don't want to do. We still have limited contact, occasional emails, etc.

 

I feel that all of this has exposed things that bothered me about my marriage but I don't know how to move forward. My husband loves me so much and I don't know if I can love him as equally anymore. I feel that if this guy wanted a relationship with me, without a doubt I would leave my husband for him. And mentally, I know that would be a terrible decision. This whole situation is ruining me!

[aileD]

I don't have time to say more, but I will say this and Insuggest you read around this forum in the OW and Infidelity sections and see what you're getting yourself into. See the similarities. See how it's going to play out because it's the same story over and over in these forums. Just different names and details.

 

Little did I know I was really falling for this guy in a way that I've never felt about anyone else, even my own husband.

 

If I had a dollar for every time this phrase was typed on this forum, I would be a millionaire.

 

It's the affair talking. The nature of affairs and the secrecy fosters these intense feelings. They aren't real and they won't last when you are in the real world.

 

iMO if you don't know what to do, the best thing is to focus on your marriage. To the man you vowed your life to. You need to figure out if you want to be on that relationship or not and there is 100000% no way to do that when you are involved in an affair.

[eye of the storm]

Forty, you are deep in the fog. You don't really know this guy. To you, he is an ideal. A fantasy that is perfect. He isn't. He will not make your issues go away and he will not make you happy.

 

By focusing on him you are able to ignore the issues you have at home. By focusing on him you don't have to face reality.

 

Fix what is broken. By that I mean fix your M or work on getting out of it cleanly and kindly.

 

You do not want to get sucked into an A. Nothing but pain down that road.

 

At the moment you are lucky. The guy seems to have recognized you two were getting to chummy and pulled back hard. Hopefully that means he is committed to not cheating on his W.

 

Good luck.

[FortyandForlorn]

Forty, you are deep in the fog. You don't really know this guy. To you, he is an ideal. A fantasy that is perfect. He isn't. He will not make your issues go away and he will not make you happy.

 

By focusing on him you are able to ignore the issues you have at home. By focusing on him you don't have to face reality.

 

Fix what is broken. By that I mean fix your M or work on getting out of it cleanly and kindly.

 

 

Good luck.

 

You are 100% right. I have problems in my marriage. Ask my husband, he thinks it's perfect. I did therapy for a while and she gave me some practical things for us to work on, but H wasn't interested. He's also not interested in couples counseling. So I feel like I'm tackling this on my own, and being in a fog, I don't know how to fix it.

[eye of the storm]

Focus on what is in front of you. Sit your husband down and talk to him. Be soul strippingly honest. Tell him if things don't change and he doesn't get on board with improving the marriage, you don't see it lasting.

 

Ask him how that feels. Tell him if the marriage is valuable to him if it is worth protecting then he will buckle down WITH you and work on it.

 

Marriage is a lot like a garden. You may love the garden but if you don't work the soil and remove the weeds, your garden will get overrun and choked out.

 

But remember, he is not the only issue in this marriage. It completely takes 2. Two to make it work. Marriage is a team project.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's not about the guy at all. It sounds like you barely know him. I am guessing you are 40 by your screenname? I am 44 now and when I was 42 I went through a major midlife crisis or should I say a mid-life quest for identity. It lasts about 2-3 years for a woman in her 40s.

 

Do any of these apply? I put this together based on my own life, something online and my friends behavior:

 

1 Wanting a simpler life - giving away things, wanting to make a change but not sure what it is or what it looks like

 

2 Realizing half your life may be behind you

 

3 Looking up old boyfriends or girlfriends on Facebook - esp from high school

 

4 Worrying about money and realizing you will never have enough money to retire

 

5 Restlessness

 

6 Reminiscing about your childhood a lot

 

7 Changing the color of your hair

 

8 Buying a very expensive bicycle

 

9 Suddenly wanting to learn a musical instrument

 

10 Radical diet and exercise change in the quest for perfection

 

11 Taking up a new hobby

 

12 Suddenly wanting to make the world a better place

 

13 Taking up an extreme sport

 

14 Radically changing the way you dress

 

15 Stopping wearing a bra

 

16 Easily distracted and can't concentrate - you can't sit and read a book.

 

17 Flirting and seeking male attention constantly.

 

18 Extreme interest in your skin - Botox, injectables,

 

19 Reading obituaries and always checking how people died to make sure it can't happen to you.

 

20 Obsessively comparing your looks with others the same age

 

21 Taking vitamin pills

 

22 Wanting to change friends but not meeting anyone new that you like

 

23 Quitting your job to do something you have always wanted to do - open that pub or B&B

 

24 Insomnia

 

25 Hang*overs

 

26 Feeling like no one understands you

 

27 Suddenly feeling sexual and wanting sex all the time.

Edited November 16, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[Patrice]

talking to your husband about this. Please, don't make the same mistake many of us have made. I ended a 27 year marriage - which was not good, and I'm not sorry about that. The end of the marriage came with an EA with someone who remains married. You are in for a world of hurt, if you think the grass is greener.

[FortyandForlorn]

It's not about the guy at all. It sounds like you barely know him. I am guessing you are 40 by your screenname? I am 44 now and when I was 42 I went through a major midlife crisis or should I say a mid-life quest for identity. It lasts about 2-3 years for a woman in her 40s.

 

1 Wanting a simpler life - giving away things, wanting to make a change but not sure what it is or what it looks like

 

5 Restlessness

 

12 Suddenly wanting to make the world a better place

 

26 Feeling like no one understands you

 

Yes, I'm 41 - 40 when I started the EA. The points above are the things that stuck out to me. Since turning 40, I seem to have a renewed energy. I want to experience more. My husband is 4 years older and has the opposite problem. So I became restless. Also, another big part is feeling like no one understands me. Especially my husband. He's said some really sexist things lately and I've had to set him straight - more times than I'm comfortable with. Also, I'm very empathetic and he's not. So when I hear about all the terrible things going on, he's doesn't get it. He thinks as long as we have lots of money, we can protect ourselves. Then along comes this guy at work who meets all these needs for me. Also, me and the other guy are both minorities who grew up with similar backgrounds in the same part of town. How convenient, right?

 

And since entering my 40s, I'm more confident, I have never looked or felt this good before so I guess I was looking for something more. I see that now. Wish I saw it before all this happened.

[FortyandForlorn]

talking to your husband about this. Please, don't make the same mistake many of us have made. I ended a 27 year marriage - which was not good, and I'm not sorry about that. The end of the marriage came with an EA with someone who remains married. You are in for a world of hurt, if you think the grass is greener.

 

That's the thing, logically, I know the grass isn't greener. I don't see "happily ever after" in our future, yet I can't shake it!! It's like a part of brain is in some alternative universe where I would see this working out, but I know it's not reality.

[Patrice]

My ex had anxiety disorders, had no interest in my job, was too busy really to help raise our kids. My job paid more, he resented that - if I could go back now, I would have raised holy hell earlier on. Tell your husband that you are unhappy and tell him what you are feeling.

[aileD]

Why don't you tell your husband that you are thinking about divorcing him because you have issues in the marriage that he refuses to work on.

 

Maybe it will be a wake up call for him and he will work on things and your marriage could survive.

 

Or maybe he won't and there you have your answer to the "should I stay married" question.

 

Either way, you can't deal with any of it when you're in the fog. The fog literally blinds you to reality. It makes you rewrite history sometimes.

 

If you have kids, I honestly think you owe it to your children to get out of the fog and really assess your marriage before you walk away from it and blow their world up.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes, I'm 41 - 40 when I started the EA. The points above are the things that stuck out to me. Since turning 40, I seem to have a renewed energy. I want to experience more. My husband is 4 years older and has the opposite problem. So I became restless. Also, another big part is feeling like no one understands me. Especially my husband. He's said some really sexist things lately and I've had to set him straight - more times than I'm comfortable with. Also, I'm very empathetic and he's not. So when I hear about all the terrible things going on, he's doesn't get it. He thinks as long as we have lots of money, we can protect ourselves. Then along comes this guy at work who meets all these needs for me. Also, me and the other guy are both minorities who grew up with similar backgrounds in the same part of town. How convenient, right?

 

And since entering my 40s, I'm more confident, I have never looked or felt this good before so I guess I was looking for something more. I see that now. Wish I saw it before all this happened.

 

Well, here are my thoughts. Nothing really actually happened other than you developed a massive crush on a coworker who appears to have distanced himself from you as he probably is aware and not looking for drama. When I was going through what you are going through, I was flirting like crazy and most guys I knew backed far away. You need to be careful because you will attract someone like my xmm who will see your restlessness and swoop in for the kill. I'm promising you, it is not going to be this beautiful guy at your job. It will be some troll with a problem getting it up. He will give you all the attention you are seeking and you will get totally sucked up in it.

 

You didn't do anything yet, you can leave the beautiful coworker alone (or admire him from afar) and figure out what is missing from your life. Needing something more in your life does not mean you need to smash the existing things. You need to recognize you are going through a life change here - I did not know that. I wish I did. There are healthy ways for you to figure this out.

 

If you are concerned with the terrible things going on in the world, you can pick one thing and get involved. Maybe you will inspire your husband but even if you don't, you have a responsibility for your own happiness. No offense meant, but these are not big complaints, my point is that it is really easy to always find fault in your spouse. Whatever is going on with you - is yours to figure out. You can talk to your husband but you need other women friends who are going through this as well.

 

Trust me, an affair solves nothing.

[FortyandForlorn]

Well, here are my thoughts. Nothing really actually happened other than you developed a massive crush on a coworker who appears to have distanced himself from you as he probably is aware and not looking for drama. When I was going through what you are going through, I was flirting like crazy and most guys I knew backed far away. You need to be careful because you will attract someone like my xmm who will see your restlessness and swoop in for the kill. I'm promising you, it is not going to be this beautiful guy at your job. It will be some troll with a problem getting it up. He will give you all the attention you are seeking and you will get totally sucked up in it.

 

You didn't do anything yet, you can leave the beautiful coworker alone (or admire him from afar) and figure out what is missing from your life. Needing something more in your life does not mean you need to smash the existing things. You need to recognize you are going through a life change here - I did not know that. I wish I did. There are healthy ways for you to figure this out.

 

This is exactly what I need to hear. I've been so blind to all of this, and I felt that I wasn't able to express how I am feeling with my husband without sounding like I'm attacking him. And I'm obviously still trying to figure all this out.

 

I need to really distance myself and part of me just doesn't want to. Luckily I won't be in the office until after the holidays so at least I won't see him - or his insanely beautiful face and hot body...I need to stop...

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is exactly what I need to hear. I've been so blind to all of this, and I felt that I wasn't able to express how I am feeling with my husband without sounding like I'm attacking him. And I'm obviously still trying to figure all this out.

 

I need to really distance myself and part of me just doesn't want to. Luckily I won't be in the office until after the holidays so at least I won't see him - or his insanely beautiful face and hot body...I need to stop...

 

Think of it like this - imagine HR calling you in because this guy reported you for making him uncomfortable. How would you feel? It can happen, it's an equal playing field these days. You really have no idea what he is thinking or feeling. You would not want a guy making you uncomfortable at work.

 

As for your husband, there are limits to what your spouse can understand. He is not your girlfriend or your therapist. In general, most men will listen to your feelings these days (they are more evolved) but they are problem solvers, they are not going to just listen endlessly, nodding their heads and say, "mmm, I understand how you feel". That is what makes them men and you a woman. It's great to talk with your husband, you just need to do it at the right time and keep in mind they get frustrated with endless talking going nowhere. That is what other women are for. I mean look at this board.

[FortyandForlorn]

Wow. I never thought about the HR aspect. That helps put things into perspective. And I need to contribute more to this board to help me through all this. And I need to manage my midlife crisis.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow. I never thought about the HR aspect. That helps put things into perspective. And I need to contribute more to this board to help me through all this. And I need to manage my midlife crisis.

 

No one told me about the midlife crisis thing and honestly, I have only seen one friend go through it, and it doesn't always look the same, so it's hard to say why something is happening.

 

My friend stopped wearing a bra, started exercising obsessively, started becoming obsessed with these guys from our high school and people from our past in general (people I literally have no memory of), she was constantly on FB looking these people up and then finding them IRL, hanging out with students and posting them on FB (not underage) and engaging in really inappropriate friendships, like she was regressing to when we were teens, she would have guys over her house to "hang out". They were really just hanging out but people don't do that at our age. She got in trouble at her school job, her marriage is hanging by a thread and she dieted herself into a pre-diabetic state from too much crap low cal sugar foods and excessive running. We just thought she was nuts.

 

For me it was very different. I went from dark brown to highlighted blond, changed my diet to Paleo, started working out 2x a day, went from mom clothes to form fitting dresses, left my profession of 15 years and started a business. These all seem like good things and they are, but it was me changing, and I was restless. I started meeting all new people, a lot of men, doing a lot of business networking and my old life did not fit me anymore. At the same time my husband had been at home for 8 years and was changing on his own, he met someone. I attracted someone, a very bad person. It's a long story all here on LS.

 

Today we are not the same people we were 2 years ago - before. But we are also not the people we were a year ago - during. We are different now. Different together. My husband says those people from last year are suits of clothes in our closets and we can choose to put them on or not. Every day it is a choice, who we want to be.

 

What is important to realize it that what is going on within you is much more complex than you think and so you must be careful not to make the wrong choices. You can get through this transformation without wrecking your life. Think of it as an opportunity for growth.

[FortyandForlorn]

I haven't seen any woman go through it. That would explain a lot of my feelings: restlessness, sadness, intense sexual desires, wanting to be as young as I look and feel. It's helping me have a different perspective and helps me to start being objective. Though it's easier to say that while I'm at home away from here.

[BluesPower]

Continue listening to these posters esp MidnightBlue.

 

She has been through it and is really coming out the other side.

 

But let me tell you something. If you don't sit down with your husband and be more honest than you have ever been with him about what you want out of life and your marriage, you are headed down a dark road that you cannot imagine.

 

You have to make your husband understand and get invested in your marriage again and that includes MC for sure. But you have to find your voice and be able to really tell him how you are feeling and be unafraid about it.

 

But wait, there is more... There are men, lots of men out there that can spot you from 2 miles away. It is like they can sense a hot 40 YO woman that is in a lackluster marriage and horny as hell.

 

I was one of those men. You are ripe for the picking and you need to understand that. It can happen so quick that it will make your head spin and you are lost in the best sex you have ever had, and you think you are in a love for the ages.

 

Do not let yourself go there. Help the man that you love, your H, understand what you need even if he does not want to here it.

 

Your life will be so much better...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Continue listening to these posters esp MidnightBlue.

 

She has been through it and is really coming out the other side.

 

But let me tell you something. If you don't sit down with your husband and be more honest than you have ever been with him about what you want out of life and your marriage, you are headed down a dark road that you cannot imagine.

 

You have to make your husband understand and get invested in your marriage again and that includes MC for sure. But you have to find your voice and be able to really tell him how you are feeling and be unafraid about it.

 

But wait, there is more... There are men, lots of men out there that can spot you from 2 miles away. It is like they can sense a hot 40 YO woman that is in a lackluster marriage and horny as hell.

 

I was one of those men. You are ripe for the picking and you need to understand that. It can happen so quick that it will make your head spin and you are lost in the best sex you have ever had, and you think you are in a love for the ages.

 

Do not let yourself go there. Help the man that you love, your H, understand what you need even if he does not want to here it.

 

Your life will be so much better...

 

I believe this. I lived it. But - how do you guys know?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I haven't seen any woman go through it. That would explain a lot of my feelings: restlessness, sadness, intense sexual desires, wanting to be as young as I look and feel. It's helping me have a different perspective and helps me to start being objective. Though it's easier to say that while I'm at home away from here.

 

You can get through it but you are not going to be the same person at the other end. I'm different. Not in a worse way but I am different. This is it, it's okay to want to live a full life and it's okay to want to look good and young. You don't want to be like my friend and go overboard but it's healthy to want to be vibrant and alive.

 

How often do you have sex?

[FortyandForlorn]

You can get through it but you are not going to be the same person at the other end. I'm different. Not in a worse way but I am different. This is it, it's okay to want to live a full life and it's okay to want to look good and young. You don't want to be like my friend and go overboard but it's healthy to want to be vibrant and alive.

 

How often do you have sex?

 

We have sex about every other day. How satisfying is for me? Probably about once a month, maybe. My husband does try every so often, but I feel like what I need has changed and he has trouble keeping up with me. Sad, but true and honest: to get me excited I usually imagine I'm with someone else, just to get that "new" feeling.

[MidnightBlue1980]

We have sex about every other day. How satisfying is for me? Probably about once a month, maybe. My husband does try every so often, but I feel like what I need has changed and he has trouble keeping up with me. Sad, but true and honest: to get me excited I usually imagine I'm with someone else, just to get that "new" feeling.

 

We all imagine someone else, that is no big deal. Once a month!! That is not good though. Maybe you are just sexually frustrated. What do you mean, he tries every do often? Honey, ladies come first.

[FortyandForlorn]

 

You have to make your husband understand and get invested in your marriage again and that includes MC for sure. But you have to find your voice and be able to really tell him how you are feeling and be unafraid about it.

 

And that's my problem: figuring out how I'm feeling - especially when I'm in a fog. I don't know the first step. Talk to my husband (again) or work on getting this boy out of my head?

[Midlifecrisis1]

We have sex about every other day. How satisfying is for me? Probably about once a month, maybe. My husband does try every so often, but I feel like what I need has changed and he has trouble keeping up with me. Sad, but true and honest: to get me excited I usually imagine I'm with someone else, just to get that "new" feeling.

 

Every other day is a lot! We are lucky if it's 2x per month! Of course it was 4x per week with xmm. Husband doesn't have a high sex drive. For the past 10 years neither did i, until I had an affair.

[FortyandForlorn]

We all imagine someone else, that is no big deal. Once a month!! That is not good though. Maybe you are just sexually frustrated. What do you mean, he tries every do often? Honey, ladies come first.

 

He admits he's selfish. And he has a habit of starting to do something I really like, then he'll stop. Because he needs a break or he's trying not to come too quickly. Well that totally kills it for me. And I don't enjoy masturbating so that hasn't been an alternative route.