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New here [my story may be a little different than most]


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Hi,

 

I think my story may be a little different than most on here. I'm posting because I'm struggling with seriously low self-worth due to the relationship I've been involved in.

 

About a year ago someone new started at work, a very attractive married man. I am single, have been all my life, and have a sort-of relationship with a man who isn't interested in sex. Anyway, this new guy kept asking me to join him in an activity outside of work. I kept saying no for several months, but he finally wore me down. I also learned from him that he'd asked a few other women but one of them was smart enough to ask if his wife was coming too, and that ended that.

 

Anyway, I was flattered this attractive man was taking an interest in me. And he was charming and charismatic and he was nice to me when others were being mean. I started joining him after work to go to the gym. One night he wanted to chat in his car, and I told him I found him attractive. We ended up holding hands. During this time, my mother was very ill, and he knew that. I had made arrangements to go be with her. After that night, he came on very forcefully, demanding to know where I lived. I declined to tell him for awhile, but one night he followed me home from the gym.

 

And I let him into my apartment. He was suddenly like a different person, using language I'd never heard him use before. He told me he just wanted a **** buddy. So this is where my story differs I think from the others on here - he never pretended that he loved or cared for me. What happened next was sort of like an attack, and before I knew it we were both naked and he was attempting sex. I told him no and he stopped.

 

Stupidly, I let this guy into my apartment a few more times, but managed somehow to prevent us from having sex. On the night before I was supposed to leave to be with my mother who was starting chemotherapy (which he knew about), he grabbed my neck and forced me down on him. He then stood up and forced himself in further. I was so upset I couldn't travel the next day. My mother died a week later.

 

When I returned several weeks later I tried to explain to him how I really hadn't enjoyed that and he knew I hadn't wanted to do it because of previous times I'd said no. He said this was all "bs stuff". During most of our visits he spent time telling me everything that was wrong with my physical appearance and how much better looking the other women at work were than me. He said I should try to emulate them.

 

After this point, things became like a rollercoaster. I'd try to stay away and then feel like I was being unnecessarily cruel, and go back to try to be "friends". We ended up having a few more encounters since he learned that a softer approach worked better with me.

 

I never expected this man to leave his wife. He has told me he loves her, but he just needs "other women's pussies". I am extremely attracted to him, even though he treats me badly. Lately he's been trying to impress a younger, cuter girl at work and I told him that it makes me feel bad. His response to that was "we're done" and I have jealousy issues and I need to go work on myself. He tells me I'm crazy and too negative and I take things too seriously.

 

I know I have problems. I am very probably a codependent and was raised in an environment where my needs always came second to that of my parent's. I was raised to serve others first. So I learned to shut up and do what was asked of me rather than risk the parent's wrath.

 

I can't deny I just miss being physically touched. But eventually I started to want someone who cared about me as well. Maybe that was asking too much. And I have felt a lot of guilt and shame about my bad decisions. I really don't want to hurt innocent people. He says he feels no guilt or regret about it. He just wants to have fun and it's nothing more than that to him.

 

Well, I mostly just needed to vent. I'm feeling very low and I'm not sure how to pick myself up or where to go from here.

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First off, hugs to you because you need some. Condolences about your mom.

 

My suggestion is counseling. You need to rebuild yourself and get away from this man. He's using you, he's a narcissist and abusive which as you know, has done a lot of damage to you.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, keep posting and please, do reach out and get counseling to help you heal.

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Sorry to hear about your mother.

 

This man is physically and emotionally abusing you. You must tell him you will take legal action if he doesn't leave you alone.

 

I hope you realise what he is doing is disgusting. Why would you be attracted to somebody like that?

 

Poppy.

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HUGS!!! sending you MANY virtual hugs!

 

this dude is an abuser & a sexual predator and i'm not sure if you fully realize it... but if i understood right - he attacked you sexually, forced himself on you... raped you. you handled it EXCEPTIONALLY well but the trauma is most definitely there. it's great that you're aware of the problems, you seem like such an intelligent and emotionally mature lady - i think that right now is the moment to take another step. dod you think about professional counseling or therapy...? is that something you would be interested in, is that something you can financially afford...?

 

honey, go easy on yourself. your need for human touch, connection, sex... is all understandable. your need to have someone who is attracted to you and cares about you is ALSO understandable. no, that's not too much to ask. and yes - you deserve it, you deserve a great man. please keep in mind that this dude IS an abuser and that you are most likely feeling the trauma and the consequences of that abuse.

 

do you have any relatives or friends you can talk to...?

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My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. I wish you lots of patience and strength during this incredibly painful time.

 

I don't know what else I can add other than what has already been said but wanted to weigh in nonetheless. you're right in that in a way your situation is a bit different than most _ this guy is an outright sexual predator, not just a married dude looking for sex on the side. he is physically abusive to you. your experiences would qualify as rape in many courts across america and other place as well i'm sure. you must get away from him. threatening legal action is a good suggestion _ in fact, report him to HR. perhaps with the participation of other women at work you'll have a strong case.

 

additionally, counseling is also a must. you are suffering from low-esteem. no man, no woman should ever be OK with being treated this way. i understand that your background may have contributed to this _ you mention you were raised to serve others. i can guarantee you serving this kind of person is not what your parents had in mind. you have to let go of this mindset. if you don't serve yourself first, love yourself first, nothing really matters after that.

 

you have tough road ahead and lots of healing and reconciling with yourself to do. stay strong and keep posting here. you'll find many people are supportive.

 

sending you a big hug.

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Forever broken

I am so sorry about your mom, she's not suffering anymore. I am also very proud of you for how far you've come for everything you have been through.

 

Now, this guy is a monster. He is preying on your low self esteem and confidence. I understand perfectly, you were happy someone attractive and handsome showed interest in you, but that was in a terrible way.

 

Forget that he was married and single; no one has the power to treat you like that. I know you grew up differently, however, your mother will never be happy seeing her daughter being treated like that.

 

Firmly detest him. Remain no contact and tell him you will blow his cover up at work if he does not stay away. And oh yes you are prepared to go down with him. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he does.

 

The right person will come someday. Just keep looking but is definitely not that self absorbed fool.

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This guy is a monster.

 

Please stop talking to him.

Don't engage with him

Block his number

Do not open the door to your apartment for him

Do not answer his calls

Just ignore him and look through Hi like he's a ghost

Seeing him won't do you any good

 

I'd be looking to get far far away from him and to get another job and even move house.

 

Had it been earlier, you should have reported it as rape. He is a vile man.

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Sorry to hear about your mother.

 

I hope you realise what he is doing is disgusting. Why would you be attracted to somebody like that?

 

Poppy.

 

Yes, that is a very good question. I read somewhere that if you find yourself magnetically attracted to someone, it may be due to higher levels of testosterone, which I believe is true in his case (he has also told me he may be a sex addict).

 

Due to the mind games and my willingness to take blame for things, I think it is easy for him to manipulate me into thinking I'm the bad guy. He also mixes in compliments with the other stuff, telling me I'm his best friend and that I'm a beautiful woman. My heart wants to believe it. But I know he lies - a lot.

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This guy is a monster.

 

I'd be looking to get far far away from him and to get another job and even move house.

 

 

I am trying to do this, and have a good lead on one job with someone who is willing to put in a good word for me. I totally agree I need to get away.

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First, I am so sorry about your mom. It hasn't been very long since I lost mine and I want there, it's terrible.

 

Second, this is an instance where you tell. Tell his wife, tell HR if it went on in the office and if it happens again call the police.

 

There are good men out they that will cherish you. Truly. Don't settle for this abuse.

 

Many hugs.

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I'm so sorry for your pain. Sending more hugs your way, because you really do need someone to surround you in love right now.

 

And, my condolences for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom to cancer five years ago. I felt so lost and alone after the loss of my mom, it's a very sad and vulnerable place to be.

 

With all due respect, this man is a terrible man. His sense of entitlement and his actions are abusive and I really hope you find the strength to bolt your door and never let him into your life again. You really should consider filing charges because what you are describing is not consensual and it is terrible that he would force his way on a vulnerable women.

 

I also suggest that you find a good counsellor. You need to greive your mom. You are lonely and sad right now. It takes time to grieve and to move through the pain. And when you are ready, you need someone who can help you to discover your strength and find hope for a better future - taking steps to building the life you want.

 

Best wishes to you.

Edited by BaileyB
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He also mixes in compliments with the other stuff, telling me I'm his best friend and that I'm a beautiful woman. My heart wants to believe it. But I know he lies - a lot.

 

I'm sure you are a very beautiful woman. No doubt, he has told many lies. But in saying that, I'm sure he is not lying. My hope for you is that someday you will believe that for yourself, and not have to rely on an abusive man to tell you that you are beautiful.

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Tell his wife

 

I have reason to believe he would literally kill me if I did anything to break up his family. He has told me he used to carry a handgun in his car just below the seat. I asked him if he ever had to use it and he said "of course". In case this seems far-fetched, he is from a third-world country where the rule of law is not the same as it is here. He has also been posting some things on his FB page about what would happen to anyone who threatens his family.

 

I will consider going to a crisis center where they can advise me on what to do. I am concerned for his wife, as he casually mentioned to me once that he could still "force my wife" even if he couldn't with me.

 

What is causing cognitive dissonance for me is that people at work think he's funny and nice and harmless. I know the darker side.

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I have reason to believe he would literally kill me if I did anything to break up his family. He has told me he used to carry a handgun in his car just below the seat. I asked him if he ever had to use it and he said "of course". In case this seems far-fetched, he is from a third-world country where the rule of law is not the same as it is here. He has also been posting some things on his FB page about what would happen to anyone who threatens his family.

 

I will consider going to a crisis center where they can advise me on what to do. I am concerned for his wife, as he casually mentioned to me once that he could still "force my wife" even if he couldn't with me.

 

What is causing cognitive dissonance for me is that people at work think he's funny and nice and harmless. I know the darker side.

 

That makes it really scary. Please stay away from him and try to heal yourself. I am sorry this happened to you.

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MidnightBlue1980
I have reason to believe he would literally kill me if I did anything to break up his family. He has told me he used to carry a handgun in his car just below the seat. I asked him if he ever had to use it and he said "of course". In case this seems far-fetched, he is from a third-world country where the rule of law is not the same as it is here. He has also been posting some things on his FB page about what would happen to anyone who threatens his family.

 

I will consider going to a crisis center where they can advise me on what to do. I am concerned for his wife, as he casually mentioned to me once that he could still "force my wife" even if he couldn't with me.

 

What is causing cognitive dissonance for me is that people at work think he's funny and nice and harmless. I know the darker side.

 

No one has really commented on what you are really asking - why are you so attracted to someone who treats you so poorly? As someone who has the same issue, I've written VOLUMES here and in emails to people on this topic and talked about it in therapy for years. There are many, many books written on this topic as well and this forum is full of women who keep on running back to men who treat them like a piece of garbage - both OW/MW and BW alike.

 

I could give you a big narrative about self esteem, childhood unresolved issues, etc etc. but the thing is, just because you figure out WHY you feel a certain way for someone does not mean your feelings go away. What I am saying is, I am very aware the xmm is a narcissistic sociopath who treated me horrendously, but it doesn't change the way I feel about him. I can't really control my feelings, I can only control my actions and reactions to situations. I am 44, not really going to change my past, I am pretty much who I am. But I can change my present and therefore my future.

 

So can you. You can say to yourself, "okay, there is something broken inside me which is attracted to people who are bad for me. I am probably not going to fix this as it's deep rooted from my past. Therefore I am going to be self aware of my tendencies and force myself to make the choices and decisions which I cognitively am aware are the best for me, as if I were both the parent and the child of myself. I may like to eat a whole cheesecake because it tastes good but I know that would be bad for me so I am going to have a salad instead. Likewise, I may be very attracted, maybe even love this guy, and I am just going to let the feelings live, I am not going to give any extra attention to them because in doing so, whether it is negative or positive, I am inadvertently feeding them and I know that whatever I give attention to, grows.

 

Each day when I wake up, maybe I will make a list of the things I want to do today, healthy positive things for me, maybe I will go to the gym, maybe see a friend, maybe finish a project at work or home. I will keep my mind busy and active and not dwell on this man. What happened is in the past now, I can't change it or fix it, I can only move forward. I will take care my mind, my body and my soul and only let good things in. In short, I will protect "me" from myself."

Edited by MidnightBlue1980
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No one has really commented on what you are really asking - why are you so attracted to someone who treats you so poorly?

 

Yes, very good point, and good advice on what to do (especially the diet reference). I am well aware that I grew up with a narcissistic parent, whose needs superseded my own. And I remember the point at which I decided that it was easier just to go along rather than stand up for myself. I know I'm damaged. This man has admitted to me that his weakness is that he needs attention. Mine is that I need to provide it. It's seriously like a moth to a flame.

 

I like your advice - first, to recognize the tendency, and then to make a conscious decision to choose the healthier option. Thank you.

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MidnightBlue1980
Yes, very good point, and good advice on what to do (especially the diet reference). I am well aware that I grew up with a narcissistic parent, whose needs superseded my own. And I remember the point at which I decided that it was easier just to go along rather than stand up for myself. I know I'm damaged. This man has admitted to me that his weakness is that he needs attention. Mine is that I need to provide it. It's seriously like a moth to a flame.

 

I like your advice - first, to recognize the tendency, and then to make a conscious decision to choose the healthier option. Thank you.

 

Obviously the diet reference is somewhat trivial compared to the actual situation, it just popped into my head as I know so many people who struggle and cannot get out of their own way with food issues.

 

We are all damaged to some extent and many of us love the drama and become addicted to the exquisite pain, the highs which are so high and the lows, so so low. It's somewhat our way of keeping alive and avoiding the monotony of life.

 

It takes time but first you have to say you are not going to engage in physical action anymore. That is step one.

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We are all damaged to some extent and many of us love the drama and become addicted to the exquisite pain, the highs which are so high and the lows, so so low. It's somewhat our way of keeping alive and avoiding the monotony of life.

 

There's a lot of truth in this. I know that boredom is a trigger for me. I'm going to have to find a better substitute, maybe going for a walk or reading outside until the feeling passes.

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I have reason to believe he would literally kill me if I did anything to break up his family. He has told me he used to carry a handgun in his car just below the seat. I asked him if he ever had to use it and he said "of course". In case this seems far-fetched, he is from a third-world country where the rule of law is not the same as it is here. He has also been posting some things on his FB page about what would happen to anyone who threatens his family.

 

I will consider going to a crisis center where they can advise me on what to do. I am concerned for his wife, as he casually mentioned to me once that he could still "force my wife" even if he couldn't with me.

 

What is causing cognitive dissonance for me is that people at work think he's funny and nice and harmless. I know the darker side.

 

I was thinking this guy sounds dangerous before I got to this post....I really believe you need to tell someone in your life what's going on, then do your best to minimize your interaction with him.

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summerdowling87

I 100% with all the other posters.

 

This man is an abusive monster who needs to be locked up. He caught you at a low point in your life and took advantage of you on so many levels.

 

He took advantage of you sexually and emotionally and he is abusing you in all aspects.

 

PLZ make a police report and get rid of this a-hole.

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I really think you need to tell someone what's going on. Is there anyone at work you trust? Or have a friend or relative stay with you for a few weeks? Or even a man to confront his sorry ass and tell him to back off or you'll get a restraining order. What a scumbag?

 

I'm also so sorry for the loss of your mom. Find strength in your love for her. Please please stay as far away from him as possible!!

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beautiful_day

I'll tell you what you do. You take back your power. You deal with bullies by going forward, not hiding or avoiding. You say "Listen up. You stay the **** away from me or I'm calling the police.. Now **** off! Then feel your self esteem rise.

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I really think you need to tell someone what's going on. Is there anyone at work you trust? Or have a friend or relative stay with you for a few weeks? Or even a man to confront his sorry ass and tell him to back off or you'll get a restraining order. What a scumbag?

 

I'm also so sorry for the loss of your mom. Find strength in your love for her. Please please stay as far away from him as possible!!

 

Several family members and one close friend know. They all say the same as everyone here - stay away. I believe he's grown tired of me anyway. I've become too difficult for him. The initial encounter happened several months ago. He softened his approach after that, but with the same goal in mind.

 

Part of this is my fault. I convince myself that he's really not that bad and I end up breaking no contact, and the cycle repeats. I think I just want so badly for him to care, even a little bit. Maybe it's a way of trying to cope with the trauma.

 

I appreciate everyone's condolences about my mom, and I want to extend the same sympathies to those who have lost a loved one. I was very close to her and am probably still in a lot denial about it. Watching her die was the single most painful thing I've ever gone through in my life.

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I posted for the first time the day after my last contact with this guy. We had a big blow-out fight. We'd had a physical encounter outside of work but during a lunch break. When we returned to work he spotted a girl that I know he likes and actually ran away from me to catch up to her. I was hurt by that. Sent him a harsh text message accidentally, and that's when things got really nasty. That's when he said we were done.

 

I know all this sounds really weird given the way things started. I'm so confused in my feelings. I know this guy is really bad news, and his lack of empathy and caring is shocking to me when I really think about it. But somehow he keeps drawing me back.

 

I think we're both stuck in a horrible cycle. I did avoid the Thanksgiving lunch, although several people were frowning on me leaving. When I returned, I heard he had a bunch of people around him while he was talking about his (2nd?) favorite (socially acceptable) activity outside of work. So he must have been in his element with all that attention. Was glad I was not there to witness it.

 

But later I had to go to his area to ask one of his coworkers a question. He was the only one there but I just walked by and didn't say anything to him. Later I checked my phone and had gotten a couple of messages from him asking to play an online game with him. This is how it always starts, so innocently. I think, well, he really just wants to be friends. And then one thing leads to another, and we are right back where we started.

 

So far I haven't replied. I had been blocking his texts, but my curiosity got the better of me, as it usually does. Curiosity never thinks of consequences, unfortunately. And now I will feel like I'm unkind for not responding to him.

 

This is utter madness.

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So far I haven't replied. I had been blocking his texts, but my curiosity got the better of me, as it usually does. Curiosity never thinks of consequences, unfortunately. And now I will feel like I'm unkind for not responding to him.

First, my condolences on the loss of your mother. Please don't respond to him. Be kind to yourself. This man sexually assaulted you, and he hasn't apologized for his behavior. I encourage you to contact a rape crisis center to sort out your feelings. There is no reason for you to be friends with him.

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