My MM and I in love again

[KateHR]

Three months ago we both came back to our BSs and went NC. With a lot of immature drama at that time. MM broke NC and swore that he underestimated my feelings to me when he was trying to do the right thing and came back to his wife after we decided to tell her about us. My husband already knew before we started PA. We were about to file a divorce at that time.

 

His wife was angry, but begged him to come back and try to reconcile after 18 years together. I reconciled with my husband. Things were extremely peaceful until MM got back to my life a month ago. I made my husband happy again. My 6-year old felt harmony in the family again.

 

But my MM and I started hiking together and having brief lunches. We woke up some old feelings. But everything felt so wrong and unnatural. He told me his wife is pregnant with #4. He asked me about what WE are going to do now. He told his wife that he misses me and she said he has no right to miss me. That's where I lost respect for him. I told him that his wife needs him more than ever and that he is cruel to her. I would never want anybody to do it to me.

 

We tried to sleep together, but we both felt we could not. Hugs and kisses here and there. I felt so guilty that I am doing this to my husband.

 

Two days ago I asked to break it off and he agreed. He admitted that this emotional rollercoaster needs to stop. WhencI said that this time secrecy is killing everything.

 

I read so many stories where OW wants a MM at any cost and I despise those women. How in the world you would accept a MM who is intentionally willing to be so cruel to his pregnant wife?! I feel so extremely sorry for his BS that i try to open his eyes and see that! He is in false reconciliation! It is so scary that some men are like that. He doesnt love his wife; he doesn't even respect her. He doesn't love me. He loves only himself. And he tells me that I never walked a mile in his shoes. I feel aweful that I am still emotionally attached to this man somehow, but it will be over soon. What a cheap life most of other women choose. And then when they "win", after several years they complain how unhappy they are. Building your own happiness on somebody's pain is the worst and it will come back and hunt you. I just realized that if my MM got divorced and said let's try to be together, I would never EVER wanted him in my life. EVER. If he can hurt his wife of 18 years like that, who will guarantee that he will not do it to you?! All those cheap words from his mouth are just WORDS: I came back for my children. I saw how much I hurt my wife and I thought I owed it to her. I thought if everything came back how it was, it will eliminate pain. But i underestimated how much feelings I have for you and could not commit to my wife entirely. I want to see you. Even for lunch. I want to grow old with you.

 

And BLAH BLAH BLAH!

 

So cheap! No, man, get your sh..t together! Be a man and be responsible for your actions! Yes, it sucks to be an adult, but you have people who NEED you. I dont. I dont even respect you. And i honestly want you to be devoted to your family 100%.

 

It hurts that I had to meet him in my life, but I would never learn my lesson. Trust and respect are the foundation. Love? Huh? It is a cheap word. Love needs to be proved through RESPECT AND TRUST. My poor husband. What I have done to you!!! He doesnt deserve what I have done to him.

 

Sorry. Just venting .

[Clay]

You can honor your husband in two ways. One divorce him and give him a reasonable settlement in the divorce. Sure he doesn't probably want that right now because he is to busy trying to pick up the pieces of his broken heart.

 

The other way you can honor him is to give up the OM all together. Give him complete access to everything. Be 100% accountable for all your time. Invest yourself back in your marriage instead of some one else.

 

Get into counseling and really find out how you could be so cruel to the man you said you wanted to spend your life with.

 

Now me I don't believe in reconciliation. To often the cheater won't do the work because there head is still firmly planted up their.... Your husband could still have a chance to find a healthy partner and then your children would be able to see him happy and in a heathy relationship and they would have a fighting chance at knowing what real love is like.

 

Good luck.

 

C

[KateHR]

I keep asking my husband if he is sure that he is in love with me and wants to deal with it for the rest of his life. He did say "yes". Also he said that it is all about our daughter. He came from a broken marriage. He said that all women are nuts in some way and I am the most normal he has ever seen. Even if i cheated. He said he always appreciated my honesty. I told him right away that i am in love with someone else. My husband is VERY realistic about life and women. He is very educated on this subject. He informed me that I am acting selfish amd that I am not thinking straight because I was infatuated. I was so blind. So so blind. He was right. He is a saint. He always says that I am just a human who makes bad choices, but that overall I am fine and that he NEEDS me. I honestly occasionally think that I am just a piece of sh.t myself and don't deserve him. Odd enough my marriage changed the dynamics. I want to make my husband happy regardless of my own feelings. I don't want to let him down. But you are right: my thoughts are somewhere else. My thinking process scares me. I am split in two. I dont want to cheat and will never do. But emotionally I entertain myself somewhere else when i go to bed or when i wake up or when i have a chance. Sickening.

[Bryanp]

Were you honest and truthful in that you told your husband that you tried

to sleep with your OM again but it did not work out? At the very least your husband needs to know the full truth.

[KateHR]

I honestly was a coward to tell him the truth this time. I just hinted that I am emotinally disturbed and it will be over soon. I asked him if he wants to talk about it. He chose not to. I only admitted that I am still a wreck and have some flashbacks and I am sorry about it. That's where I asked him if he is sure that he is in love with me. I am surprised how peaceful it became in my family. Sex, romance and caring came back. Is it just gulit? Hysterical bonding? I shared these thoughts with the MM as well. He also has more questions than answers. He suspects that we just found something in each other that we have been missing in our spouses. But I argued that i stopped seeing my MM as my soulmate becasue I stopped respecting him. I also speculated that one of us or both (MM and/or I have low self-esteem). We are weak.

[Clay]

If you really want to make your marriage work then make sure you block this guy on every level. If he does find a way around it then you tell your husband right away and you don't respond. You need to lead the charge on protecting your family. Your right your still going to have fillings for this other guy but that is because you spent all this time investing in him instead of your husband. What would it hurt to start planning wonderful moments with your husband. Write him little cards. Romantic dinners out with each other. The more you invest back in your husband the sooner your feelings for the other guy will fade.

 

On another not every time you think of that man just keep in mind how easy it was for him to destroy his wife. Just think had you kept things going with him you would be next in line for that heartache.

 

This is going to take years to fix. So don't just give up a week or two into it. You need to be ready for the long haul or you need to divorce husband.

[cocorico]

I read so many stories where OW wants a MM at any cost and I despise those women. How in the world you would accept a MM who is intentionally willing to be so cruel to his pregnant wife?!

 

 

So, you despise women like yourself - but not yourself? Interesting morality.

 

I'm also interested that you seem to hold OW - who have made no vows to anyone - to a higher standard than you hold those who have made and broken those vows. People like yourself, IOW.

 

I guess it really does take all sorts to make a world.

[DKT3]

Three months ago we both came back to our BSs and went NC. With a lot of immature drama at that time. MM broke NC and swore that he underestimated my feelings to me when he was trying to do the right thing and came back to his wife after we decided to tell her about us. My husband already knew before we started PA. We were about to file a divorce at that time.

 

His wife was angry, but begged him to come back and try to reconcile after 18 years together. I reconciled with my husband. Things were extremely peaceful until MM got back to my life a month ago. I made my husband happy again. My 6-year old felt harmony in the family again.

 

But my MM and I started hiking together and having brief lunches. We woke up some old feelings. But everything felt so wrong and unnatural. He told me his wife is pregnant with #4. He asked me about what WE are going to do now. He told his wife that he misses me and she said he has no right to miss me. That's where I lost respect for him. I told him that his wife needs him more than ever and that he is cruel to her. I would never want anybody to do it to me.

 

We tried to sleep together, but we both felt we could not. Hugs and kisses here and there. I felt so guilty that I am doing this to my husband.

 

Two days ago I asked to break it off and he agreed. He admitted that this emotional rollercoaster needs to stop. WhencI said that this time secrecy is killing everything.

 

I read so many stories where OW wants a MM at any cost and I despise those women. How in the world you would accept a MM who is intentionally willing to be so cruel to his pregnant wife?! I feel so extremely sorry for his BS that i try to open his eyes and see that! He is in false reconciliation! It is so scary that some men are like that. He doesnt love his wife; he doesn't even respect her. He doesn't love me. He loves only himself. And he tells me that I never walked a mile in his shoes. I feel aweful that I am still emotionally attached to this man somehow, but it will be over soon. What a cheap life most of other women choose. And then when they "win", after several years they complain how unhappy they are. Building your own happiness on somebody's pain is the worst and it will come back and hunt you. I just realized that if my MM got divorced and said let's try to be together, I would never EVER wanted him in my life. EVER. If he can hurt his wife of 18 years like that, who will guarantee that he will not do it to you?! All those cheap words from his mouth are just WORDS: I came back for my children. I saw how much I hurt my wife and I thought I owed it to her. I thought if everything came back how it was, it will eliminate pain. But i underestimated how much feelings I have for you and could not commit to my wife entirely. I want to see you. Even for lunch. I want to grow old with you.

 

And BLAH BLAH BLAH!

 

So cheap! No, man, get your sh..t together! Be a man and be responsible for your actions! Yes, it sucks to be an adult, but you have people who NEED you. I dont. I dont even respect you. And i honestly want you to be devoted to your family 100%.

 

It hurts that I had to meet him in my life, but I would never learn my lesson. Trust and respect are the foundation. Love? Huh? It is a cheap word. Love needs to be proved through RESPECT AND TRUST. My poor husband. What I have done to you!!! He doesnt deserve what I have done to him.

 

Sorry. Just venting .

 

And your different from him how?

[KateHR]

You are right. I just read my post again. I am a hypocrite. Am I really in false reconciliation as well? I do despise myself. I dont hate myself though. I am disappointed in myself. I do value and respect myself. I am becoming stronger. I just want to protect my husband. From pain. From disbalance in my family. He acts like nothing happened and it bothers me. I feel like we just starting dating again. Is he in denial?

[Quiet Storms]

Yes, infidelity is for weak people - and you just perfectly illustrated that you are weak in your post. You are no better.

 

I hope your husband wakes up and finds himself someone better, because he deserves it. But one thing I have learned from this forum is that men who put up with their wives having affairs (especially long-term affairs) is that they are both codependent and beta. Without exception. So he will likely not wake up. Still, you don't deserve him.

 

It is very hypocritical for you to post about how terrible he is and not even look at your own horrible behavior.

[BluesPower]

KateHR, my dear girl.

 

It is possible that your husband is just so confident and together that he can handle your affair. If that is true, consider yourself the luckiest woman in the world.

 

However, as someone who has been on both sides of this issue, I am guessing not. He is probably in shock and denial right now. People like us are POS's and that is how it is. You will never understand how much you have hurt your husband, no matter how cool, calm and collected he is.

 

You can change and over time it is possible to make it up to him. A lot of woman cannot handle the amount of work that it takes to reconcile after an affair, or men for that matter. My wife never did really try after her affairs, which years later still hurts.

 

You can get over all of this if you put the work in.

 

You realize that your MM is not really in love with you, whether you respect him or not, right. I know that you think he does but he does not. I have been on his/your side too and I promise that I am correct about that.

 

If you can go NC with the OM and focus on your husband, you can make it. If H is willing it is all up to you.

 

Good luck...

[KateHR]

I do realize that he is not in love with me. That's what I tried to tell him. I am afraid I am not in love with him either. It is just painful to realize that those 3 months of perfect illusion keep coming back and hunt HIM. When we were in NC, I did not even think of him much. I let him go in my heart and wished him well. Actually, knowing that he might have successfully reconciled made me regain my own energy for my own reconciliation. After he contacted me, I was disgusted at first. He tried for a month and I rejected him. Then i became weak and we met for lunch. It sounds strange, but now I think of him ONLY when he thinks of me. I never contact him first. I do understand that it is very unhealthy that we keep relying on each other emotionally. For whatever reason. I told him that it is NOT love. It is partially an ego boost. For both of us. It is all fake. I don't spend hours recalling how beautiful it was between us. This is the oddest thing. My memory erased everything b/w us when we were open in our relationship. Now he is just always on the back of my mind for UKNOWN me reason. He is just an echo in my brain. No romance, no illusions, no "what IFs". He is just there. Hanging in the isolated bubble of my brain. Involuntarily ingraved.

[Whoknew30]

You are right. I just read my post again. I am a hypocrite. Am I really in false reconciliation as well? I do despise myself. I dont hate myself though. I am disappointed in myself. I do value and respect myself. I am becoming stronger. I just want to protect my husband. From pain. From disbalance in my family. He acts like nothing happened and it bothers me. I feel like we just starting dating again. Is he in denial?

 

It seems your OM actually has more respect than you bc at least he's being honest with his wife & you're not.

 

You're absolutely in false reconciliation...you don't respect yourself. The worst kind of liar in the world is on you believes their own lies. You seem to fall under this category. It seems your reflecting your disgust on to your OM when you're behaving worse than he. Obviously his marriage isn't your problem but his wife knew he was having an affair & choose to have another child...that's her fault for getting pregnant when her H is telling her he misses you...he may have been wrong for A but he's being truthful...lying is way more hurtful than truth. You need to do some self reflection & take a long good in look in the mirror.

 

You're in denial, not your H. He's trying to rebuild a marriage while you continue to lie & place judgment & blame on others...while ignoring the fact that you're your own worst nightmare to yourself.

[OneLov]

Classic split-self affair. The only way to recover your marriage is being 110% honest about everything and dedicate yourself to your marriage. Don't focus on anyone or anything. Journey inward and find who you are and what you want. This is the first step to an authentic life. You need IC and MC. I wish you the best.

[KateHR]

I ended whatever we had two days ago. This is first step to reconciliation. I AM trying to do the right thing.

[OneLov]

I do realize that he is not in love with me. That's what I tried to tell him. I am afraid I am not in love with him either. It is just painful to realize that those 3 months of perfect illusion keep coming back and hunt HIM. When we were in NC, I did not even think of him much. I let him go in my heart and wished him well. Actually, knowing that he might have successfully reconciled made me regain my own energy for my own reconciliation. After he contacted me, I was disgusted at first. He tried for a month and I rejected him. Then i became weak and we met for lunch. It sounds strange, but now I think of him ONLY when he thinks of me. I never contact him first. I do understand that it is very unhealthy that we keep relying on each other emotionally. For whatever reason. I told him that it is NOT love. It is partially an ego boost. For both of us. It is all fake. I don't spend hours recalling how beautiful it was between us. This is the oddest thing. My memory erased everything b/w us when we were open in our relationship. Now he is just always on the back of my mind for UKNOWN me reason. He is just an echo in my brain. No romance, no illusions, no "what IFs". He is just there. Hanging in the isolated bubble of my brain. Involuntarily ingraved.

 

You're still minimizing your choices and thus responsibility in all of this. You need to own it. The inability to be honest with yourself will prevent you from being honest with anyone else.

[Whoknew30]

I ended whatever we had two days ago. This is first step to reconciliation. I AM trying to do the right thing.

 

If you haven't been honest keeping it going after dday...it's all based on a lie, which means it's false...being honest will be your first step for reconciliation. That's the "right" thing...not covering your butt. Reconciliation is about 100% truth...right now you're still in mindset of A. It's your life but don't lie to yourself or you'll never really heal either.

[Mr. Lucky]

No, man, get your sh..t together! Be a man and be responsible for your actions! Yes, it sucks to be an adult, but you have people who NEED you. I dont. I dont even respect you. And i honestly want you to be devoted to your family 100%.

 

Kettle, meet pot. Pot, say hello to kettle.

 

But my MM and I started hiking together and having brief lunches. We woke up some old feelings. But everything felt so wrong and unnatural. He told me his wife is pregnant with #4.

 

You're betraying what little trust your BS has left by hiking and noshing with your AP while his BS sits at home pregnant with his 4th child?

 

Just when you think you've heard it all...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Doorstopper]

From experience; telling a BS that the affair is over and you will never contact them again, and then finding out that was not the truth, is the worst breakdown of trust that can happen. It leads you to question absolutely everything else.

 

In my case it was just one text exchange, over the course of a day, 2 days after D-day. I found out, almost immediately, but the damage was done.

[Birdies]

Girl, as one (now former) married OW to another, I'd first work on ending your OWN affair before you start patting yourself on the back for your moral superiority over other OWs.

 

And tell your husband everything, if you love him at all.

[l8estnews]

 

It hurts that I had to meet him in my life, but I would never learn my lesson. Trust and respect are the foundation. Love? Huh? It is a cheap word. Love needs to be proved through RESPECT AND TRUST. My poor husband. What I have done to you!!! He doesnt deserve what I have done to him.

 

Sorry. Just venting .

 

I think you are the first OW who gained my respect.

 

Salute!

[KateHR]

My husband is recovering from a minor surgery this week and I stayed with him off work. We took a walk to the woods and I asked AGAIN if he wants to talk about what is on my chest. He just said he doesnt want to. It is his choice. Do I just pour it on him? We had a lovely romantic date just now. I want to keep it that way. And I will provide it to him.

[merrmeade]

I do realize that he is not in love with me. That's what I tried to tell him. I am afraid I am not in love with him either. It is just painful to realize that those 3 months of perfect illusion keep coming back and hunt HIM. When we were in NC, I did not even think of him much. I let him go in my heart and wished him well. Actually, knowing that he might have successfully reconciled made me regain my own energy for my own reconciliation. After he contacted me, I was disgusted at first. He tried for a month and I rejected him. Then i became weak and we met for lunch. It sounds strange, but now I think of him ONLY when he thinks of me. I never contact him first. I do understand that it is very unhealthy that we keep relying on each other emotionally. For whatever reason. I told him that it is NOT love. It is partially an ego boost. For both of us. It is all fake. I don't spend hours recalling how beautiful it was between us. This is the oddest thing. My memory erased everything b/w us when we were open in our relationship. Now he is just always on the back of my mind for UKNOWN me reason. He is just an echo in my brain. No romance, no illusions, no "what IFs". He is just there. Hanging in the isolated bubble of my brain. Involuntarily ingraved.

I think you are the first OW who gained my respect.

 

Salute!

Absolutely.

 

Dear Kate,

You are doing this the right WAY. You are doing it as a result of your own personal growth. It is happening from the inside out—from your own volition, insight and need—and not from anyone or anything artificially imposed on you. The second way imposed externally is harder and often doesn't work or is unsatisfactory.

 

I've only read one other WS like you on Loveshack who was a person searching for her truth first and was a WS second. SHe kind of knew it though never blared it as such. Neither humble nor egotistical (relatively speaking), she was able to understand and articulate what she felt and did not try to control it. She also suffered more and more for her actions in betraying her husband and that was probably the most difficult part of her situation when she was posting. She wanted to be with him but she was different from you in that, when she first started posting, she was occasionally seeing OM and was still dealing with feelings for him.

 

You, I felt from the first post, were already moving on from the OM.

 

Kate, you are very clear and are moving naturally but surely away from the affair and back to your marriage. Don't be derailed by the strong admonishments from (usually BS) posters but be understanding. They do not need to sympathize with you and their disdain is justified. But continue with your humility and clarity about what you want, what you feel and why.

 

Yes, I agree that you must suffer for what you have done, for the terrible betrayal and deceit you practiced and your husband, suffered. It is just the way it works. You cannot be free until you drag yourself across all the abuses.

 

Also, you cannot control what he does now. You can only adjust when it happens. You made this present and the future that it will produce. You can only control how YOU react to it.

 

I think you will be fine if you do not let yourself become unhinged by your guilt and self-recriminations. Don't misunderstand, however, YOu MUST suffer this guilt and selfl-flagellation, but you don't become unbalanced. You understand it and allow it.

 

I hope you don't mind my talking to you this way. If you don't know why or don't appreciate it, well, just forget it. But I hope I'm getting through. HOW you are dealing with things is different. I am saying that's because you are different, and you should continue with what has gotten you this far.

[merrmeade]

Maybe I should be more specific about what I feel you're doing right:

1- You've become cognizant of what you and OM have done to your spouses.

2- You have reacted with self-disgust and remorse for what you have done to your husband, but OM seems heartless and superficial in his behavior and attitudes toward his wife. This has shocked and repulsed you.

3- You have been honest with your husband and are contemplating the right things to do for him and say to him.

 

My comments are about your development to this point and your own reactions and steps taken as a result of your insights.

 

I only would like to caution you about #3:

I suspect that during the affair there WERE times that you were not so honest. Usually affair partners justify manipulating the truth (lying) for the sake of others. Or they just do it so they won't have any obstacles to get what they want. This is part of the damage to their character (and souls) that often does not change and gets even more sophisticated and more insidious over the years. If you did this, you seem to have stopped and are on the side of acting honestly and from you own natural impulses - though fortunately the good ones.

 

I would urge you NOT to do anything for or toward your husband that is forced or false. You need to continue this movement toward honesty and generally being a person deserving of others' trust. You may need to learn new ways of figuring out what is right - like when to ask and when to anticipate, when to act on intuition. BUt DON"T lie or try to manipulate him. It will set you back.

[KateHR]

I am not sure how primitive I sound here, but when I met MO and TOLD my husband right away, I did NOT care much of how he feels. My marriage was in a dark spot which I thought beyond recovery. (Not infidelity. Not abuse. Just different outlooks on our life. I always wanted to be a career woman and wanted him to become a stay at home dad, but he always wanted me to be more dependable on him. He was not understanding of my career ambitions). I told him the truth at that time because it was an attempt to get out of marriage. When after we decided to reconcile I agreed to STEP DOWN in my career ladder and take a part-time position (lucky enough still having tons of authority and being the only HR professional for the company). I was miserable and he finally realized that I am not happy this way. He was not either. We decided that we are ok with my career and I just took a higher role as an HR Manager full-time. We will see how it goes. My "affair" was NOT a cause of my marital problem. My affair partner was not a reason why I wanted to get out of marriage. I just don't understand WHY it is so smooth now and I am so skeptical of this.