How long did it take you to get over your AP?

[Lillyp32]

I read somewhere on LS that it takes about twice as long as your A to get over your AP and heal. If that's the case I guess I'll be feeling good in about 5 years.

 

I know there's no magic cure to healing and that it takes time. I'm just curious to see how long other LS members healing time was compared to the length your affair. Did it take you twice as long as your A to heal?

[Vivir]

Lilly, I have just started on the road to recovery (seven weeks today), so I have no idea how long it will take me to move past it and finally become indifferent (which is my goal). I have also read that it will take twice as long to heal, and I hope that is not true, because if it is, I have 25 MONTHS more to go.

 

The thing that gives me hope was something I read in The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue. She explains that it will not be the amount of Time that helps one recover, but what we do with the time. Right now, I am listening to this as an audio book when I get home from work; I am also listening to a fiction audio book when I drive. I am reading two daily meditations books, one for morning and one for evening. I journal each day about what I have done that day to show myself love and due care; I also journal if I feel something very strongly. I have an adult coloring book, and this really takes my mind off of negative things. AND I am reading a book by the renowned psychologist Dr. Nathaniel Branden called "How to Raise Your Self-Esteem" - I love this book. He is all about living consciously. It has prompts that allow for introspection, which I think is helpful for me. So far, I am quite busy with these things so my mind wanders very little.

 

And last, but not least, I am dating myself. It has helped me to see myself as the second party in a relationship, owing my allegiance to ME and acting accordingly.

[imperfectangel]

If that's true than I've got until I'm 70. Great.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I read somewhere on LS that it takes about twice as long as your A to get over your AP and heal. If that's the case I guess I'll be feeling good in about 5 years.

 

I know there's no magic cure to healing and that it takes time. I'm just curious to see how long other LS members healing time was compared to the length your affair. Did it take you twice as long as your A to heal?

 

I wrote that. I have met the 2x the time length now and it's definitely better but I still feel bad, hurt, stupid. But I am no longer feeling love or attraction feelings.

 

However I still see him and I am married. It is easier if you are single because the only way to get over one person is to get with someone new. You obviously can't do that when you are married, which is why you see people here for years and years or they end up getting divorced (even if they do not have the other person).

[Lillyp32]

Lilly, I have just started on the road to recovery (seven weeks today), so I have no idea how long it will take me to move past it and finally become indifferent (which is my goal). I have also read that it will take twice as long to heal, and I hope that is not true, because if it is, I have 25 MONTHS more to go.

 

The thing that gives me hope was something I read in The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue. She explains that it will not be the amount of Time that helps one recover, but what we do with the time. Right now, I am listening to this as an audio book when I get home from work; I am also listening to a fiction audio book when I drive. I am reading two daily meditations books, one for morning and one for evening. I journal each day about what I have done that day to show myself love and due care; I also journal if I feel something very strongly. I have an adult coloring book, and this really takes my mind off of negative things. AND I am reading a book by the renowned psychologist Dr. Nathaniel Branden called "How to Raise Your Self-Esteem" - I love this book. He is all about living consciously. It has prompts that allow for introspection, which I think is helpful for me. So far, I am quite busy with these things so my mind wanders very little.

 

And last, but not least, I am dating myself. It has helped me to see myself as the second party in a relationship, owing my allegiance to ME and acting accordingly.

 

I love all this! I've thought about journaling myself. I think I may try that out. I've decided to start exercising and I've been eating better too. I think taking care of ourselves when we're hurting emotionally is a great way to heal.

[Vasectomyfail]

I don't think there is a set timeline. There's no point marking a date in a calendar 10 months from now or however long it "should take" to get over it. You are psyching yourself out for no reason.

 

The key is to focus on yourself and find things to fill the time you would normally spend talking to the ex. Obviously it's going to be tougher at first, but finding small positive things to focus on will help a lot. Hobbies, sports, classes etc. Anything you've thought would be fun, but haven't tried for whatever reason. Sounds preachy I know, but this is an opportunity to get your life on track and figure out what made you consider being with a married person to begin with. Be the best version of yourself you can be.

 

I really think the key is to get out of the habbit of thinking about them.

 

And finally this is about you, not about them. You don't need to find someone else to get over an ex. All that does is set yourself up for another bad relationship.

[Lillyp32]

I wrote that. I have met the 2x the time length now and it's definitely better but I still feel bad, hurt, stupid. But I am no longer feeling love or attraction feelings.

 

However I still see him and I am married. It is easier if you are single because the only way to get over one person is to get with someone new. You obviously can't do that when you are married, which is why you see people here for years and years or they end up getting divorced (even if they do not have the other person).

 

I thought it was you but wasn't sure

 

I'd be looking at 60 months if this proves to be true. I don't have to see xMM so I'm lucky there. Maybe that'll push it along a bit.

 

I sorta thought that being married would help you heal faster when it comes to the AP. I feel like my exMM is probably having an easier time because he can focus all of his energy into healing his wife and M.

[Lillyp32]

I don't think there is a set timeline. There's no point marking a date in a calendar 10 months from now or however long it "should take" to get over it. You are psyching yourself out for no reason.

 

The key is to focus on yourself and find things to fill the time you would normally spend talking to the ex. Obviously it's going to be tougher at first, but finding small positive things to focus on will help a lot. Hobbies, sports, classes etc. Anything you've thought would be fun, but haven't tried for whatever reason. Sounds preachy I know, but this is an opportunity to get your life on track and figure out what made you consider being with a married person to begin with. Be the best version of yourself you can be.

 

I really think the key is to get out of the habbit of thinking about them.

 

And finally this is about you, not about them. You don't need to find someone else to get over an ex. All that does is set yourself up for another bad relationship.

 

Oh I know. I just asked more out of curiosity than anything else

 

I don't think you sound preachy at all! I've been starting to focus back on myself. I think tsk helped a lot!

[Vasectomyfail]

Oh I know. I just asked more out of curiosity than anything else

 

I don't think you sound preachy at all! I've been starting to focus back on myself. I think tsk helped a lot!

 

For sure! I'm not 100% over it, but that probably because i have to see him at work every day. It's been about 6 weeks and our affair lasted for 8 months so that would put me at a year or more until I'm feeling healed. I just don't want that for myself.

 

I'm putting way more effort into fitness, art, a few small road trips, friends. Basically anything to take my mind off of him and it's working surprisingly well.

 

I do feel regret and I'm mad at myself for getting involved with a married person more than anything. We were completely alone in the office for an hour this morning and it was fine.

 

I look at it as an addiction. I need to replace the bad behavior with something so I might as well pick things that make me better mentally and physically.

[Poppy47]

I am almost 7 months NC after an 8 year affair.

 

There doesn't seem to be a magic number for recovery no matter what the popular theories say.

 

In my case, I look at it as an adjustment to my life and it will happen gradually.

It will take a long time, but it will happen.

 

Poppy

[Midlifecrisis1]

i'm almost 3 months out from a 4 month affair. my therapist says it's not about how long the affair was, but about how much it impacted your life. mine was short but it awoke me from being in a life and marriage where i was just going through the motions. it was impossible to just go back to my life as it was and be satisfied. i spiraled into a depression and i'm slowly getting myself out of it with therapy and meds and finding new ways to add purpose into my life.

[Ahurtgirl]

I'm at exactly two months sincey 4.5 year affair ended and it still is very fresh in my mind. Still think of him and miss him. He ended things in an awful way and by many accounts was a jerk but he also had a very loving side. I find I am forgetting the bad times and remember the good times. I have a long way to go and hope it won't take 9 years to get over him.

[ladydesigner]

It took 1 year for the daily thoughts to go away and they slowly dissipated after that. I was stuck in anger for a long time until I became depressed and eventually got to indifference.

 

It took me a total of 2 years to get to indifference from a 6 week long A. I feel I focused more on being rejected then actually missing the xOM. Such a waste of time

[solonely9]

There must be some truth to this "twice the lenght" rule. I just passed this mark and I am starting to feel better. I don't think as much of him, I don't wake up with this void in my stomach, I have accepted in a way that he won't be a part of my life, I've started to see things more clearly... BUT I am not completely over it and I don't think that I will be any time soon. I just know myself and it has always taken me a long long time to get a heartbreak totally out of my system.

 

I know that you're looking for a sign of hope, but don't try to put limits on your recovery. You will have many ups and downs, especially in the beginning, but, with time, your emotions will even. Yes, you will, probably, still be sad, but not as much as now. I promise you. What I've noticed lately is how I feel almost guilty for not thinking of him all the time, for starting to forget. It is so strange how we get used to the pain and kind of miss it, but this too is a part of the cleansing, so to say.

 

Also, I strongly believe that we, women, I mean, approach heartbreak, and all the emotions that accompany it, in a much healthier way. We don't suppress, pretend, hide, run, etc. That's why, when we're done, we are done. I just saw this video on YouTube that explains perfectly the difference between men and women in regards to moving on. The name of the video is: When A Relationship Ends, Why Do Men Move On So Quickly.

 

Finally, Lilly, I too got a cold, harsh NC letter from an unrecognizable person, but don't take it so personally. I also struggled not so much with him leaving, but with how he made a total 180 on me out of nowhere. It brought me down big time and twisted my perception of myself, as, in that moment, I saw myself through his words, but he was running for his life. He still is. So, it is not about you at all. Just focus on yourself, keep on posting, keep on processing, and, one day, it will always fall into its place.

[SammySammy]

I was over it when I found out she was married. It never really meant anything to me. During the affair or afterward.

[jjackie]

Lilly, I have just started on the road to recovery (seven weeks today)

 

I have just started my healing process TODAY

Hopefully it doesn't take as long as they say. ;-)

[MidnightBlue1980]

I thought it was you but wasn't sure

 

I'd be looking at 60 months if this proves to be true. I don't have to see xMM so I'm lucky there. Maybe that'll push it along a bit.

 

I sorta thought that being married would help you heal faster when it comes to the AP. I feel like my exMM is probably having an easier time because he can focus all of his energy into healing his wife and M.

 

No way. It is the opposite. It is really hard to get over someone while being married. You are trying to get over a person while fixing your marriage. It's hell.

 

Now I am a woman, men are different. It's my experience that men don't seem to realize everything that happened till 1 to 2 years after the affair ended. So for the first year, the woman basically dies but when she is feeling better and normal again, the guy is facing his life. Delayed reaction as men tend to immediately jump into disaster recovery zone and push away their feelings for the AP and their issues with the wife.

 

As for you, you are single. It's easier. I'm serious. Date, date and date. NC with this guy. Do not get a boyfriend. This is your time to live it up. Have fun and forget. 13 years ago I dated someone for 3 years who was separated. He would not file, it was horrible for me, I was a secret. I eventually left him and 4 months later I was over him, 100%. I had met my now H and I was over him justlikethat. (ok, yes I am here so not a success story) but my point is the 2x rule is if you let it be.

[Lillyp32]

i'm almost 3 months out from a 4 month affair. my therapist says it's not about how long the affair was, but about how much it impacted your life. mine was short but it awoke me from being in a life and marriage where i was just going through the motions. it was impossible to just go back to my life as it was and be satisfied. i spiraled into a depression and i'm slowly getting myself out of it with therapy and meds and finding new ways to add purpose into my life.

 

My A was a lot longer than that but had the same affect on me. I think you're the third or fourth person on LS I've heard this from since my dday. It's too bad we couldn't just walk away from our bad relationships before we traveled down the A path. We've just caused ourselves more pain in the end.

[Lillyp32]

It took 1 year for the daily thoughts to go away and they slowly dissipated after that. I was stuck in anger for a long time until I became depressed and eventually got to indifference.

 

It took me a total of 2 years to get to indifference from a 6 week long A. I feel I focused more on being rejected then actually missing the xOM. Such a waste of time

 

This struck me. I wonder if the rejection is playing a part in my pain as well. I knew it would end and I was ok with that. It was the cold callousness in that NC letter that has stuck with me. It did make me feel rejected and like I was nothing. Something for me to think a little deeper about but I think you may have helped me come to a realization here

[Lillyp32]

There must be some truth to this "twice the lenght" rule. I just passed this mark and I am starting to feel better. I don't think as much of him, I don't wake up with this void in my stomach, I have accepted in a way that he won't be a part of my life, I've started to see things more clearly... BUT I am not completely over it and I don't think that I will be any time soon. I just know myself and it has always taken me a long long time to get a heartbreak totally out of my system.

 

I know that you're looking for a sign of hope, but don't try to put limits on your recovery. You will have many ups and downs, especially in the beginning, but, with time, your emotions will even. Yes, you will, probably, still be sad, but not as much as now. I promise you. What I've noticed lately is how I feel almost guilty for not thinking of him all the time, for starting to forget. It is so strange how we get used to the pain and kind of miss it, but this too is a part of the cleansing, so to say.

 

Also, I strongly believe that we, women, I mean, approach heartbreak, and all the emotions that accompany it, in a much healthier way. We don't suppress, pretend, hide, run, etc. That's why, when we're done, we are done. I just saw this video on YouTube that explains perfectly the difference between men and women in regards to moving on. The name of the video is: When A Relationship Ends, Why Do Men Move On So Quickly.

 

Finally, Lilly, I too got a cold, harsh NC letter from an unrecognizable person, but don't take it so personally. I also struggled not so much with him leaving, but with how he made a total 180 on me out of nowhere. It brought me down big time and twisted my perception of myself, as, in that moment, I saw myself through his words, but he was running for his life. He still is. So, it is not about you at all. Just focus on yourself, keep on posting, keep on processing, and, one day, it will always fall into its place.

 

Thank you for this! It's always comes back to the NC letter. I would've done better with a disappearing act or a simple "it's over forever. I love my wife and am working on my m. Do not contact me again." But noooo, he had to get all mean about it. Lol

[Lillyp32]

No way. It is the opposite. It is really hard to get over someone while being married. You are trying to get over a person while fixing your marriage. It's hell.

 

Now I am a woman, men are different. It's my experience that men don't seem to realize everything that happened till 1 to 2 years after the affair ended. So for the first year, the woman basically dies but when she is feeling better and normal again, the guy is facing his life. Delayed reaction as men tend to immediately jump into disaster recovery zone and push away their feelings for the AP and their issues with the wife.

 

As for you, you are single. It's easier. I'm serious. Date, date and date. NC with this guy. Do not get a boyfriend. This is your time to live it up. Have fun and forget. 13 years ago I dated someone for 3 years who was separated. He would not file, it was horrible for me, I was a secret. I eventually left him and 4 months later I was over him, 100%. I had met my now H and I was over him justlikethat. (ok, yes I am here so not a success story) but my point is the 2x rule is if you let it be.

 

Well hopefully he can keep those feelings pushed away if that is in fact what he's doing. I just read a thread about a MM coming back after 3 months and felt anxiety reading it. I couldn't imagine being that far into healing and NC just to have exMM come creeping back in. Ugh.

 

I can't help but laugh at the thought of me dating! What is dating? lol I've been with my husband since I was 18. I think I went on all of 3 dates in my life! I wouldn't even know how to meet someone. I think I'll end up being a single lady forever with lots of cats or something

[starswewillnavigate]

It took 1 year for the daily thoughts to go away and they slowly dissipated after that. I was stuck in anger for a long time until I became depressed and eventually got to indifference.

 

It took me a total of 2 years to get to indifference from a 6 week long A. I feel I focused more on being rejected then actually missing the xOM. Such a waste of time

 

I can relate to this as it's what I'm doing, focusing on the rejection more. Every time he contacts me, (or doesn't), it feeds into that cycle.

[jjackie]

Ok girls, we need to understand few things, okay?

First, we ALL are BEAUTIFUL. And worthy and smart and intelligent... It's not important how others feel about us, but how WE feel about ourselves. Second, we need to separate our minds from negative thoughts because this is what destroy us. How can one person have that strong impact on someone...

We DON'T NEED THOSE GUYS!

[aileD]

I think your frame of mind has a lot to do with it too.

 

Mindset is key. This isn't diminishing the feelings and hurt and all you all must be feeling, but just in life in general....your mindset is everything. If you believe you can do it, you can.

 

Even for me a BS, I've found that being positive in mind does help.

 

I watched a lot of Tony Robbins videos lol

[HappyAgain2014]

As a realist, I jumped to acceptance fairly quickly. I'd say the over him process was around 6 months (9 month affair).

 

The real struggle is accepting and living with my role in the pain caused to his wife. I still can't believe I ignored every moral and ethical part of myself to participate in an affair. That's not going to get better but it's the part no one seems to talk about.