It ended so so badly

[Newmada1]

I was involved in a monogamous affair for 6 years. As is typical of long term affairs, it had positive impact on my life and gave me some self worth which I needed at the time. Over the last few years he has been dealing with ivf and an increasing amount of life stress. When I was 8 months pregnant with my second child he cheated on me. It was very hard for me to handle and I now know what being cheated on feels like. In the months since that breakup, he has moved on to a swinging lifestyle, he says that he is incapable of connecting emotionally with anyone in his life. There is definitely some depression and possibly sex addiction going on. I think I always thought that if our long-term relationship failed we would be these warm friends who go back to their spouses but public service announcement, that is NEVER the case. Thinking of someone I was with for so long sleeping around and loving it kills me, not so much from jealousy as losing respect for him and devaluing what we had which was real friendship and respect. Also, as a side note, neither of us had ever been with anyone besides our spouses, EVER so this is not the norm expected behavior from him. I feel like I am using the fact that he is engaging in destructive behavior as an excuse to tell his wife. Please help me not try to fill this gaping wound in my chest by telling his wife about his new and dangerous lifestyle. Please.

[Poppy47]

There is no such thing as a monogamous affair. That is an oxymoron.

 

Your post is confusing. Were you on IVF or his wife or who???

 

He sounds like a real loser. Why would you want to be involved with an emotional cripple?

 

For goodness sake, leave his wife alone.

 

I think you need some support yourself. Please sift through your thoughts and perhaps repost something coherent.

 

Poppy.

[aileD]

A monogamous affair? That's a new one to me. Oxymoron

 

A swinger is a married person who engages in outside sex with the knowledge (and usually with) the spouse.

 

He's not a swinger. He's a cheater.

 

If you don't like the idea of someone you've been "with for so long sleeping around" then take a look in the mirror as what you are doing to your husband

 

I'm having a hard time with this post. Are you serious? Who's kid is it?

 

You should do some soul searching, divorce your poor husband, buy a dictionary, butt out of the poor betrayed wife's marriage and get into counseling and find out what subconcious issues you might have thst allow you to do something like this.

 

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but go back and re read your post and pretend you're reading a strangers post. Or your mothers or sisters or DAUGHTERS OR SONS.

 

Wake up! You're lying to yourself and trying to justify to yourself with fancy language what is really just the run of the mill sordid affair.

Edited October 18, 2016 by aileD
My keyboard hates me

[Newmada1]

I am sorry that my term for the long term relationship was offensive to you. It was a term I found on Dr. Google to describe the difference between a committed long term relationship and sleeping around with strangers. Never in my post did I justify my behavior to my husband.

 

I am not experienced enough with the swinger lifestyle to use the correct terminology. I am in therapy and I will not divorce my husband but rather I will sit him down in therapy and tell him what I did. But for now, I needed support to make it through a rough night without ruining a friend's life, even if he is a loser, the same as me. In the I am the other woman forum, not on the main relationship board.

 

A long term affair is not any more or less sordid than a short term affair but I think that is the real issue you all have with my story. They are all sordid, it's just much harder to deal with the end, the longer it goes on. While I realize this is a public board, saying 'I am sorry this is harsh' while attempting to eviscerate someone at a low point in their lives is the opposite of support. But reading your ridiculously rude replies helped me snap out of my funk, so thanks!

[SnowWhiteWins]

You were the OW to a MM...and he "cheated on you?". Umm, no he didn't. He cheated on his wife. You cheated on your husband.

 

Leave his wife alone. Get into therapy. Your sense of reality is so skewed...it almost sounds like you are on drugs. Best of luck.

[sandylee1]

You confuse me by talking about a monogamous affair. At first I thought you were the OW, then you spoke of being cheated on while pregnant. I then thought you were the BW.

 

Who cheated on you? Your husband?

 

I think what you're saying is you were only cheating on your husband with one other man? Or have I got that wrong?

[Poppy47]

Let's not frighten away a first time poster.

 

Newmada,

 

Get you info straight in your head and post again.

You might get knocked a lot but you will find others here who are worth listening to.

Poppy.

[aileD]

I sorry if hurt your feelings

 

I was just trying to "wake you up" to the reality of your situation because sometimes those in long term affairs start to distort reality and turn a blind eye to what's really going on.

 

I took from your post that both of you are married, that his wife and him are doing IVF and that you cheated on your husband with MM while you yourself were pregnant.

 

Do you understand the levity of that? The dysfunction? And you're upset he is "cheating" on you?. He's a cheater. You know this because he cheated WITH you...he IS cheating with you.

 

His wife is going thru hell with IVF. Leave her alone. Since you don't intend on leaving your husband, you should start working on your marriage and being honest with him.

 

You can turn this around now

[notmyselfnow]

I I feel like I am using the fact that he is engaging in destructive behavior as an excuse to tell his wife. Please help me not try to fill this gaping wound in my chest by telling his wife about his new and dangerous lifestyle. Please.

 

Of course you tell his wife. She is in physical danger. Who cares the reasons you are doing it - she needs to know. It is profoundly unfair to subject her to these dangers without her knowledge, and horrible for her to be living this sort of lie. Tell her, and tell her everything and now. It's the right thing to do.

[heartwhole]

This exOW had a similar experience.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/597352-do-i-owe-wife-tell-her-i-know-xmm-seeing-another-ow

 

I understand that it was shocking to discover that your MM wasn't who you thought he was and that your relationship wasn't special or exclusive like you thought. That will take some time to process.

 

My advice is to focus on your relationship with your husband. Once you have confessed, you can decide together whether to inform the BW.

[DKT3]

This sounds like a mess...First who is the father of the child? Do you know?

 

Secondly, you are absolutely incorrect about a six year being the same as a short one.

 

Lastly, your motives are disingenuous, you only want to tell to get back at him. If you were at all concerned about the wife you wouldn't have been screwing her husband for six years. You haven't told your own husband who you've place at risk as well.

[gettingstronger]

Your big question- yes, tell the wife- as a BS myself, I would want to know no matter what AND you have to be willing to walk away clean and never interfere in their marriage again-if you truly want to "do the right thing" that includes walking away-

 

As for the rest of the stuff-thats all fall out from an affair, all you can do is promise yourself you won't get involved in that situation again and work at being a better you-

[Newmada1]

"I took from your post that both of you are married, that his wife and him are doing IVF and that you cheated on your husband with MM while you yourself were pregnant.

 

Do you understand the levity of that? The dysfunction? And you're upset he is "cheating" on you?. He's a cheater. You know this because he cheated WITH you...he IS cheating with you"

 

Yes everything you stated was correct, except that we are no longer together. I do understand the levity of the situation, the problem with long term affairs is that you become complacent with status quo and it becomes the new normal. Additionally, I believe that affairs of this sort have an addictive quality, as I tried to break it off a couple of times every year and always failed. It's not normal though and not healthy, no amount of amazing sex is worth harming the psyche of my husband, BW or children.

 

With regard to telling BW, thanks for the link and the advice. I don't know if her health is in imminent danger, MM is using safe sex practices with the women he is sleeping with. At any rate, I just don't see myself being the person to tell her.

 

Thanks for the advice and mental clarity. Sorry for the garbled post. I haven't been getting much sleep and it's a convoluted story.

[Newmada1]

This sounds like a mess...First who is the father of the child? Do you know?

 

Secondly, you are absolutely incorrect about a six year being the same as a short one.

 

Lastly, your motives are disingenuous, you only want to tell to get back at him. If you were at all concerned about the wife you wouldn't have been screwing her husband for six years. You haven't told your own husband who you've place at risk as well.

 

To put that question to rest yes I do know with absolute certainty the father of my children is. Being duplicitous does not equate with total lack of intelligence.

 

You are correct, I never particularly cared about BW until I experienced the pain of being betrayed myself, which engendered empathy for what she would feel if she knew, as well as my husband. Although I am still so skewed because besides being betrayed I am concerned for his happiness and I want him to be successful with BW. Particularly now that they have a young child (successful IVF, going for 2nd child next year). At any rate I barely have the courage to tell my husband let alone deal with the anxiety of telling BW.

[Ahurtgirl]

From my experience, I'd say don't tell the wife. She may not care to even know and prefer to live in ignorant bliss. This was the case for me. All it did was royally upset my xMM as he felt I betrayed him (and I didn't even call her to tell her about us it was to check on his welfare) but it caused him to go ballistic and his destructive dramatic personality caused more problems in his life from his reaction then her asking who I was. Save yourself the drama and just forget about him and his life. Let karma do it's thing in his life. Be strong and focus on your own life.

[sandylee1]

I think you should sort your own problems out and leave him and his wife alone. You have more than enough to deal with in your own marriage, without tackling anyone else's.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Technically he isn't a swinger. He is just cheating on his wife with different people. A swinger would mean his wife is involved in the lifestyle.

 

He just chose new affair partners. What an absolute jerk. I am sorry you are hurting.

 

I think therapy and telling your husband is for the best. He will probably end up telling the wife anyway, as he should, so you're off the hook on that one.

[Wade Lamare]

Also, as a side note, neither of us had ever been with anyone besides our spouses, EVER so this is not the norm expected behavior from him.

 

And you know this how?

 

Because he told you?

 

From your description he doesn't sound like a special little snowflake who accidentally fell into an affair with you. He sounds like an accomplished, unrepentant and possibly serial cheater who took you for a ride.

 

Top Tip. If his lips are moving he's probably lying.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Wade Lamare
comma

[Logan787]

You said in an earlier reply: "But for now, I needed support to make it through a rough night without ruining a friend's life, even if he is a loser, the same as me."

 

This tells me that one of the prices that you are paying for your affair is the devaluing of your self worth. Affairs do this, they make people feel low about themselves and like they are scoundrels for deceiving and betraying a loved one that has shown them true love. This is your conscious telling you that what you did was wrong. Calling yourself a loser is going to have long term affects on you. You no longer believe in respecting yourself, nor will you respect others. Obviously, you didn't respect your husband enough to be faithful to him. In not having any self worth,. You will probably do this again, because in you're mind you are saying, "I have no self worth, and I don't respect myself, so I deserve to be punished and let men use me." Once you have devalued yourself, you no longer feel worthy of any good in life and will go through a cycle of self destruction. You need to stave off the avalanche of self harm.

 

You also said that no amount of amazing sex was worth loved ones getting hurt. You are right. It is a very selfish way of thinking, to avoid you're families feelings and your responsibility to them, to exchange some bodily fluids with a stranger. In the end, that's what most affairs boil down to. People try to make it out like they are searching for the things that matter in life, but they are supposed to be getting these things from their spouses. If there are searching for meaningful things, why is sex always the epicenter of it all. Sex is a bonus to a relationship, it's not supposed to be the whole focus thereof. When it is. No good can come of that.

 

You're right, no amount of amazing sex is worth shattering people's lives. I don't believe that your fling with this guy was ever a real friendship, if so he would have stayed. He just wanted to get his rocks off. You are pretty much trying to make a carriage out to be something great, when in the end all it was was a pumpkin.

 

You need therapy and godly counseling. Your view of reality is skewed. I believe that the clock has struck midnight on your fling and maybe even your marriage. I pray that your husband doesn't leave you. I hope you can work it out. This is the confusing maze that people enter themselves into when they have an affair. It is never simple.

[aileD]

Thanks for the clarifications.. I agree affairs can be addictive. I'm glad you got out of it.

 

Especially since he claims he's having protected sex, I would just leave the wife out of it. That and the fact of if he used the word "swinger"...there's a good chance his wife might be I involved or approving of that. That could be why you got dumped. I think most men would choose wife approved swinger sex over a hidden affair with feelings and clingyness and potential to break up their marriage. You would just be causing more drama and it will all come flying back into your face. Imagine if his wife told your husband before you had a chance to?

 

How do you think your husband will handle it?

[DKT3]

To put that question to rest yes I do know with absolute certainty the father of my children is. Being duplicitous does not equate with total lack of intelligence.

 

You are correct, I never particularly cared about BW until I experienced the pain of being betrayed myself, which engendered empathy for what she would feel if she knew, as well as my husband. Although I am still so skewed because besides being betrayed I am concerned for his happiness and I want him to be successful with BW. Particularly now that they have a young child (successful IVF, going for 2nd child next year). At any rate I barely have the courage to tell my husband let alone deal with the anxiety of telling BW.

 

How could you possibly know for sure without DNA tests unless your going to say you were holding out on your husband or MM can't produce. At any rate your better be prepared for the same questions and doubts from your husband. My assumption is MM is the father...just by the fact your pretty vague about it.

 

That's normally how it works with cheaters, don't care about how the t affects others, only how it affects them. I don't know you, but the way this is written you come off as self absorbed and self righteous.

 

And as I always say you never wanted to end this affair, I F you had it would have ended it ls really that simple. And to date you still don't want it to end, your desire to tell has nothing to do with protection of his wife and everything to do with kicking the beehive hoping he will come scurrying back to you.

 

Concern would mean informing your husband and then the two of you deciding how to precede together.

[notmyselfnow]

 

With regard to telling BW, thanks for the link and the advice. I don't know if her health is in imminent danger, MM is using safe sex practices with the women he is sleeping with. At any rate, I just don't see myself being the person to tell her.

 

 

Did he practice safe sex with you, EVERY SINGLE TIME, that he was with you? If not, then I wouldn't believe him for an instant. Chances are he's having unsafe sex, and potentially exposing his wife, and perhaps a baby, to whatever he picks up. You should also get yourself tested, and the decent thing to do is to tell the BW. If you don't want to get further enmeshed, do it anonymously. But for god's sake, they're trying for another baby, he's a serial cheater and no person deserves what he's doing to her. Any decent person would let her know what's going on. If you feel any guilt at all about what you've done, you should tell her.

[malvern99]

Wait a second... how did your secret boyfriend "betray" you? I'm struggling to wrap my head around that sentiment. Even further, saying you now know how his wife feels because the cheater "cheated" on you is just . I don't even have words for that.

 

I hope you have the strength to step back and take a thorough look at your situation because you are deep in the weeds now. If you were honest with yourself, I am sure you would come to the conclusion that the last 6 years of your marriage have been a huge lie. That is time you can never give back. You talk of empathy. If you really had empathy, you would tell your betrayed husband asap that he has been living in make believe land for the past 6 years, and you would give him the opportunity to make the best decisions for himself with all the relevant information. Best of luck to you.

[elaine567]

I think you are bing very naive to think this man who you know cheated on his wife for at least 6 years, has somehow "changed" as soon as you found out your "monogamous" little affair was not as "monogamous" as you thought it was.

My guess is he hasn't "changed" at all, only you have just cottoned on to what he is really like.

He even told you that he is incapable of connecting emotionally with anyone in his life, you were not "special" only one in a long line of his conquests I guess.

Wake up.

It takes a very special breed of man to cheat on a wife who is going through IVF treatment...

[Newmada1]

Wait a second... how did your secret boyfriend "betray" you? I'm struggling to wrap my head around that sentiment. Even further, saying you now know how his wife feels because the cheater "cheated" on you is just . I don't even have words for that.

 

I hope you have the strength to step back and take a thorough look at your situation because you are deep in the weeds now. If you were honest with yourself, I am sure you would come to the conclusion that the last 6 years of your marriage have been a huge lie. That is time you can never give back. You talk of empathy. If you really had empathy, you would tell your betrayed husband asap that he has been living in make believe land for the past 6 years, and you would give him the opportunity to make the best decisions for himself with all the relevant information. Best of luck to you.

 

How is it sick for me not to understand the full ramifications of my actions until I had the experience of trust being broken myself?

 

I suppose in your mind I should have been like "oh well, you promised me you would tell me when you wanted to end our relationship before you had sex with someone else and endangered my health, but I am a cheater myself so I will turn my emotions off and not care." It doesn't work that way, and yes, I gained a deeper understanding of how destructive cheating is to a person's self esteem.

 

And if you read my posts you would have seen I am working on talking to my husband, but first I need to get some therapy. I don't know why some of you lurk on these boards except to insult and shame from a perspective you obviously have never been in. That does not support people to do the right things. And to be perfectly clear the only question which was asked was whether I should ever discuss this with his wife. Which has been eloquently answered by several kind people.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Newmada1