I'm the other woman

[confusingme]

Short term affair, less than 2 months, but has been a lot of emotions.

I was with this man who is married for 10 years with 2 kids.

 

He told me in the beginning that he would not leave his family, but he does want passion and excitement from me. He told me that he is realistic but also emotional.

 

I did not plan on falling in love with him. But I did. And I am still in love with him.

 

Affairs are so easy to get involved into, married men are just so attractive.

 

I'm married too for 6 years and with 2 children. I know no matter how tough a marriage is, it's never a reason for an affair. It's just not. However, my own unhappiness from the marriage became the reason why I was looking for something from outside.

 

I don't want to complain anything about my husband even though some of his behaviors have hurt me, belittled me, still,this cannot be an excuse for what I did. And he certainly does not deserve my betrayal.

 

But this other man brought what I was desperately missing in my marriage, he just literally lit my life up, he made me feel attractive. I hadn't had smile for years,I hated to see my null face in the mirror, now I was smiling all the time, my neighbor even told me "you look so happy these days". Yes I was indeed happy. I guess some people would say "that was just the instant excitement of the beginning of an affair", I agree, but who cares, who doesn't want that excitement if it makes you feel good ?

 

So I started seeing this man, but very soon, I became very unreasonable because of the loneliness of being the other woman. Obviously, I didn't quite understand the logic behind the whole scenario. Now I learned that "Loneliness is the theme of being the other woman".

However, he became the center of my life, yes, I messed up my own life, I paid less attention on my kids, I just wanted his messages all day everyday, I didn't put my phone down all day long, I was getting insane. We met once to twice a week, I was literally wasting all the other days beside the days we met.

 

2 months is really short and I can't really call it love. Actually if I think it clearly, I really cannot say that I love him, I just want him, want his attention, to make myself feel that I'm important. This is really selfish.

 

I was not understanding or patient, although I claimed that I had tried my best.

I know I was driving myself nuts, but I just couldn't help. My sleep got terrible, I would stay up all night, I just could not fall asleep, my chest was like on fire.

I believe I'm suffering from some kind of depression. Like biopolar depression or something like that.I once talked about it with my husband but he seemed like didn't care much, and it made me even more depressed. So I stopped seeking for help.

 

My brain is pretty clear, but it just lost the ability to control my feelings/actions. It's hard. (I know I need professional aids, maybe. But it's another whole story.)

Back to this other man. So I got so emotional that I broke up with him, I blamed him for everything. And of course he got me back like how all the affairs work.

 

Last week, he went on a business trip to another city, he became very busy and I got pissed off when he told me he didn't feel it was respectful to use the phone (to send me messages) all the time when he was guests/friends/coworkers, I knew it was true but I got so messed up and so mad.

 

The next day, he made an effort to spend one hour talking with me with no distractions, what a wonderful treat, but I again screw it up, I started talking about his ex-OW, and got jealous and assumed that he was still thinking about her. He got upset and told me "I did my best but you are still going and going, I cannot stand it." something like that, and he left the conversation.

 

I felt so horrible at that time, because in the beginning he told me "our relationship will be like a fairy tale, you will be my princes." Thus, I had assumed that he will be very tolerable. Also in the beginning he told me that he knew that I was sensitive and passionate and he liked it so he would not let me down.

So I felt he let me down, and I became furious. (Now when I lost him, I looked back and realized I was very selfish). So I talked with my friend, a friend that I trust, I told my friend about the affair.

My friend told me how wrong I was being with this man, she told me I would only get hurt, he was not worth it, I should break up with him and live my life, blah blah blah...I was convince by her and I sent him a break up email.

 

I would never expect what my friend would do next, that she sent this man's wife an email about the affair !!!(She got her information from me) My friend didn't tell me before she did it. I didn't know until he sent me messages at 1 am which was abnormal.

 

I talked to him that early morning and learned that my friend had told his wife about the affair but not any details. His wife and my friend were going to have another conversation the next day!

My friend later told me that she wanted to protect me from being hurt more, and she believed that only when his wife was involved and he was threatened, could he stop messing around with me.

What a friend ! I mean, I believe what she said, and I will keep trusting her. But did she really need to do this ? She didn't have to try to ruin his and his wife's life to protect me.

The worlds were just mixed.

 

So there was no way back..

He's gone back to his wife.

I was miserable again and I called him on the 3rd. day. he told me that he and his wife were going to see a marriage counselor, he didn't want to lose his kids. He took his responsibilities to make sure that this thing didn't turn back to me, so far, my husband hasn't discovered yet.

I stopped talking to him and I will not try to contact him anymore for a long time.

 

For now, I feel like I still want him in my life. And I have been searching online about affairs. Hoping that he would still come back to me.

[Chica80]

Why do you want this man?

 

He basically told you, what your place was going to be in his life. You're excitement, passion, fun. He picks you up when it's convenient for him.

 

You are not his first affair (this is very telling)

Of course he would treat you like a princess. It's all part of the make believe the fun of it all!!

 

Your friend did you a favor. You may not see it but she did. Do you want to salvage your marriage? Because now that his W knows, have no doubt your husband is soon to follow.

[confusingme]

Why do you want this man?

 

He basically told you, what your place was going to be in his life. You're excitement, passion, fun. He picks you up when it's convenient for him.

 

You are not his first affair (this is very telling)

Of course he would treat you like a princess. It's all part of the make believe the fun of it all!!

 

Your friend did you a favor. You may not see it but she did. Do you want to salvage your marriage? Because now that his W knows, have no doubt your husband is soon to follow.

 

Thanks! Hopefully I can see things more clearly in the next few days.

These days I was thinking of waiting for him for the rest of my life.

It's very foolish.

But as I said, my brain is clear. I completely understand the situation and what the consequences will be if I keep going.

That saying is true, "Love is blind" I give in so easily.

Maybe it will just take time.

 

I'll take no actions and see what happens.

Hopefully I'll just get over it sooner or later and move on.

[Chica80]

Thanks! Hopefully I can see things more clearly in the next few days.

These days I was thinking of waiting for him for the rest of my life.

It's very foolish.

But as I said, my brain is clear. I completely understand the situation and what the consequences will be if I keep going.

That saying is true, "Love is blind" I give in so easily.

Maybe it will just take time.

 

I'll take no actions and see what happens.

Hopefully I'll just get over it sooner or later and move on.

 

Keep reading LS, that helps. You see you are not alone. You're story is not unique.

 

What will you do when your husband finds out. It is pretty likely he will.

[confusingme]

Keep reading LS, that helps. You see you are not alone. You're story is not unique.

 

What will you do when your husband finds out. It is pretty likely he will.

I don't think he will find it out.

The other man told me in the last phone call that his wife is very much worried I would try to go to his house and cause harm to their children which I would never do !! But I'm glad to know this because it means his wife doesn't want to get involved with me.

I'm really hoping that they can move on.

Anyway, if my husband finds out, I would be honest and try my best to fix it. I'm not prepare for it yet but I know I would beg for his forgiveness. Then I would live like a 2nd degree citizen in the marriage.

I depend on my husband for everything financially.

[Chica80]

I don't think he will find it out.

The other man told me in the last phone call that his wife is very much worried I would try to go to his house and cause harm to their children which I would never do !! But I'm glad to know this because it means his wife doesn't want to get involved with me.

I'm really hoping that they can move on.

Anyway, if my husband finds out, I would be honest and try my best to fix it. I'm not prepare for it yet but I know I would beg for his forgiveness. Then I would live like a 2nd degree citizen in the marriage.

I depend on my husband for everything financially.

 

This is probably a lie. He said this for two reasons: to keep you away from his wife. So if she contacts you, you will not talk to her or answer her questions.

 

And second because he told BS that YOU are crazy. That you pursued him that it was all YOU. He just was lonely, he was being neglected, she didn't give him enough attention. You chased him. Why else would she be afraid of you and afraid for her children unless he gave her reason to.

 

Why not be honest now? You have everything to lose right now and nothing to gain?

 

It's still very fresh. You will get a lot of advice! A lot of people telling you what to do or not do. Common themes common stories common threads.

Everyone will tell you their advice based on their experience.

 

You are not alone though....

[confusingme]

This is probably a lie. He said this for two reasons: to keep you away from his wife. So if she contacts you, you will not talk to her or answer her questions.

 

And second because he told BS that YOU are crazy. That you pursued him that it was all YOU. He just was lonely, he was being neglected, she didn't give him enough attention. You chased him. Why else would she be afraid of you and afraid for her children unless he gave her reason to.

 

Why not be honest now? You have everything to lose right now and nothing to gain?

 

It's still very fresh. You will get a lot of advice! A lot of people telling you what to do or not do. Common themes common stories common threads.

Everyone will tell you their advice based on their experience.

 

You are not alone though....

 

What does "BS" stand for ?

I know I will still act stupid to most of you guys here when I say that he's been good and really trusted me. He gave me his last name, address, phone number.

But there is a reason he would lie, and say all the bad things about me. Honestly, if my husband found it out, I would tell him that it was the MM's fault too...

I don't want to expect the MM to be perfect, and it doesn't hurt me to learn that he's blaming me. He has to think of fixing his family.

I just don't want to hate him.

[Chica80]

BS means betrayed spouse

 

MM- married man

 

AP- affair partner

 

WW/WH- wandering wife wandering husband

 

OM/OW- MOW MOM other man other woman married OW married OM

[Chica80]

I don't think you are stupid.

I'm here too.

 

I don't like to generalize or say all A are the same or for the same reasons. But reading the threads you start to identify and see some very common themes and threads.

 

Here is something that rings very true. Always believe you are the rule not the exception. Meaning that all the general clichés, the rules that apply to all affairs MM also apply to you.

Unless you see different.

Words mean nothing!! Actions mean everything.

 

And so far your MM has shown the same actions that many MM on this board have shown.....

 

You were here only for his enjoyment, his pleasure. You didn't really mean anything to him. And when he got caught he "threw you under the bus" he showed you what he really thought of you.

 

I'm sorry if that's too much, and it's hurtful, the roller coaster of feelings emotions will come. Feel it understand it and learn from it. That's my advice. Sorry you are here in this situation....

[confusingme]

I don't think you are stupid.

I'm here too.

 

I don't like to generalize or say all A are the same or for the same reasons. But reading the threads you start to identify and see some very common themes and threads.

 

Here is something that rings very true. Always believe you are the rule not the exception. Meaning that all the general clichés, the rules that apply to all affairs MM also apply to you.

Unless you see different.

Words mean nothing!! Actions mean everything.

 

And so far your MM has shown the same actions that many MM on this board have shown.....

 

You were here only for his enjoyment, his pleasure. You didn't really mean anything to him. And when he got caught he "threw you under the bus" he showed you what he really thought of you.

 

I'm sorry if that's too much, and it's hurtful, the roller coaster of feelings emotions will come. Feel it understand it and learn from it. That's my advice. Sorry you are here in this situation....

 

Yes. I learned what I meant to him. I could mean joy, love, passion to him when everything is working out well, and he could make me feel so special, so cherished. But once he got caught, yes, there is no second thought with him, he doesn't need to think about what choice to make, it's always family.

And I don't blame it.

The question is, why I'm still so into him ? I can't say it's love, cause it's ruining his marriage/life. If I truly love him I would walk away completely.

I feel it's my own desire of getting the feelings of being loved, wanted..

Cause I/we don't feel this feeling from our husbands anymore.

[Chica80]

YES!!! This is a good starting point.

 

Trust me I've been there...we've ALL been there.

What does it mean?

Did he really love me?

Did I mean anything to him?

Why did he do this?

Was it all a lie?

 

You will ask yourself over and over ups and downs inside out until you drive yourself crazy!!

 

The sooner you can take focus off him and focus on you. Why did YOU do this. The sooner you can start healing.

Are you in IC (individual counseling) ?

That's a good place to start.

[Cyra]

The question is, why I'm still so into him ? I can't say it's love, cause it's ruining his marriage/life. If I truly love him I would walk away completely.

I feel it's my own desire of getting the feelings of being loved, wanted..

Cause I/we don't feel this feeling from our husbands anymore.

 

Sorry you are going through this. I relate to a lot of things that you wrote.

 

It is not love, you only were together for 2 months. A lot of people here would say and I agree, look at it as an addiction. He made you feel wanted, attractive, special, happy.. that is an intoxicating feeling and very hard to let go of. You are still into him because he was the source of those feelings for you. As all addictions, the only way to get out of it is through the unpleasant process of cold turkey. Many times we fall into the trap of trying to find another source of those feelings, a 'replacement'.. and that is never a solution because the cycle will just repeat itself. To break the cycle we have to learn how to find those feelings within ourselves, not try to get them from someone else.

And how to do that is a million dollar question! Im not there yet but trying. Hang in there. Hugs

[Cyra]

I don't think he will find it out.

The other man told me in the last phone call that his wife is very much worried I would try to go to his house and cause harm to their children which I would never do !! But I'm glad to know this because it means his wife doesn't want to get involved with me.

 

I was in a similar situation, his wife was quite apprehensive of me and also too hung up on their 'image' so she would not want to drag it out in the open, which is why I believe she has not told my partner. Of course it could still happen one never knows. Best to be prepared in case it does happen.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

YES!!! This is a good starting point.

 

Trust me I've been there...we've ALL been there.

What does it mean?

Did he really love me?

Did I mean anything to him?

Why did he do this?

Was it all a lie?

 

You will ask yourself over and over ups and downs inside out until you drive yourself crazy!!

 

The sooner you can take focus off him and focus on you. Why did YOU do this. The sooner you can start healing.

Are you in IC (individual counseling) ?

That's a good place to start.

 

Excellent post!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, welcome to LS! The people here are amazing and supportive. I credit most of my ability to exit my A to them. My thoughts for you are about your friend. I believe her heart may have been in the right place, but to run behind your back the moment she first heard? I'd be ticked. It's one thing if my friend discussed doing it with me, or at least gave me a heads up before she did it, but to run behind my back without even a heads up? I would not be ok. I would feel like she overstepped! She was not sensitive to your affair partner's spouse, any kids involved, your husband, the families of all sides, let alone you and your affair partner. There are many people to be considered in these messes! I would wonder why my friend decided to act like my mommy as if I am incapable of cleaning up my own mess. My post not meant to offend. You may see it totally different. I wish you speedy recovery. A's are rough and hazy until the pain starts to kick us in the gut. Truly wish you all the best!!!!

[elaine567]

Anyway, if my husband finds out, I would be honest and try my best to fix it. I'm not prepare for it yet but I know I would beg for his forgiveness. Then I would live like a 2nd degree citizen in the marriage.

I depend on my husband for everything financially.

 

Seems to me that many men are not so accommodating as women tend to be when they find out their spouse is cheating on them. Do not assume your husband will just forgive and forget, many men will throw their cheating wife out of the house and as you have no money for legal expenses, then how will you fight that?

You have put yourself in a very precarious position if you depend on your husband for everything financially.

I know the wife may not directly target you and your marriage, but her "friend" might, in the same way your friend stuck up for you.

I guess it will all get out at some point, so you need to start getting prepared financially for the fall out, so you are not caught unawares.

[Friskyone4u]

OP,

 

You are playing Russian roulette with your future and I suggest you reread Elaine's recent post to you and put more credence in it than the sympathy you are receiving from other women who have strayed. You are sitting on a time bomb tha may go off and take all of your choices away from you with no warning. So lets realistically discuss the facts and try to bring you out of your little fog gracefully

Now if vyou can stop whining about you OM for a minute here is what you need to know. And you can verify it if you do some reading of the books on infidelity.

(1) to MEN the sex with the OM is the most likely deal breaker. We all know womens brains work a little different and women often care more that their wayward husband did not tell their AP that they "loved" them. You did both, but after two months you were high on the ego kibbles and not some 17 year old schoolgirl in "love". Probably 90% of men will state that infidelity IS a deal breaker but most do not instantly do that but your old marriage is DEAD, and if you think he is host going to notice the funk you are in you are wrong.

 

NO ONE thinks they will get caught and if the OM wife has a change of heart, and believe me she is on a rollercoaster right now so do not be sure she will not, the phone call can come to vyour husband at any moment. You want to live with that hanging over your head????

 

(2) your chances of your husband wanting to stay married to you increase dramatically if you confess rather than if he finds out . And if he becomes suspiscoious and you continue to lie, the lies many times cause more damage than the truth.

 

(3) you apparently do not work. Have you thought about what you are going to do if your husband finds out and throws you out ( I mean divorces you)

 

Like I said, you are right now more concerned about your boyfriend than your husband. Not a good sign .

 

Do some reading and you wil understand better what I meant by telling you that you are taking a major gamble here by HOPING he does not find out.

 

Right now, you are hoping you can keep the chance of him contacting you again open and by telling your husband the truth that will probably disappear. Unless you chance your mindset, my guess is you will be on here again telling us you are back at it.

 

If thats the weary you want to live, your call, but I'd start preparing yourself for some occupation because remember, NO ONE THAT EVER GETS CAUGHT THINKS THEY WILL.

[starswewillnavigate]

YES!!! This is a good starting point.

 

Trust me I've been there...we've ALL been there.

What does it mean?

Did he really love me?

Did I mean anything to him?

Why did he do this?

Was it all a lie?

 

You will ask yourself over and over ups and downs inside out until you drive yourself crazy!!

 

The sooner you can take focus off him and focus on you. Why did YOU do this. The sooner you can start healing.

Are you in IC (individual counseling) ?

That's a good place to start.

 

Excellent post - especially the bit in bold.

[Forever broken]

I have never been married before but I think is best to reach out to your husband before someone does. There is a good chance that she may contact your husband after the dust settles.

 

I have even read in situations that XMM will contact your spouse himself to please the betrayed spouse. Yes, most married men will do anything to keep their marriage when caught. How long are you willing to stay in fear not knowing when your world will blow over.

 

However, if you can keep it hidden enough, then stay far away from them. Remain no contact. Vanish from their lives.

 

Hope you find peace.

[Cyra]

I have even read in situations that XMM will contact your spouse himself to please the betrayed spouse. Yes, most married men will do anything to keep their marriage when caught. How long are you willing to stay in fear not knowing when your world will blow over.

 

However, if you can keep it hidden enough, then stay far away from them. Remain no contact. Vanish from their lives.

 

Hope you find peace.

 

It could happen of course but I dont get what the BS gets out of contacting OW's husband? It is like spreading more pain on purpose. She will not benefit from it other than being vengeful.

 

I also am inclined to think that if it was going to happen, it would have happened straight after Dday when emotions and anger are running high. Later people tend to think rationally and likely just want to put it behind them, rather than dragging it out in public and risking further complications and having their 'image' stained if it came out in public. (eg what would people say if she came to the house and made a scene etc.) I genuinely dont think they would want to reopen that can of worms.

 

But I guess it just depends on the BS. In my situation, it has been 3 weeks and nothing has happened. I am not saying it cannot but I will deal with it if it does.

[Forever broken]

It could happen of course but I dont get what the BS gets out of contacting OW's husband? It is like spreading more pain on purpose. She will not benefit from it other than being vengeful.

 

I also am inclined to think that if it was going to happen, it would have happened straight after Dday when emotions and anger are running high. Later people tend to think rationally and likely just want to put it behind them, rather than dragging it out in public and risking further complications and having their 'image' stained if it came out in public. (eg what would people say if she came to the house and made a scene etc.) I genuinely dont think they would want to reopen that can of worms".

 

 

 

 

That's what I thought too Cyra. But a lot of betrayed spouses are so hurt by our actions they fight back. Check she's a homewrecker.com then you will know.

[Cyra]

That's what I thought too Cyra. But a lot of betrayed spouses are so hurt by our actions they fight back. Check she's a homewrecker.com then you will know.

 

See that is a fundamental mistake in perception in my opinion and it actually annoys me.

The name of the website! Calling the OW a homewrecker.

Was it her home to wreck? NO, it was his, he did it himself. The OW did not put a gun to his head to be in the A, he chose it. His marriage, home, kids, was his responsibility, not hers. Her responsibility is of course her side of the equation, husband, partner, kids, and again if that falls apart it is not his fault but hers.

 

Sorry just venting here!

 

I prefer to not look at the link, it would probably make me super paranoid

[Midwestmissy]

Telling the other betrayed spouse isn't vengeful or damaging. The affair has already done the damage. Telling the obs allows him/her to make an informed decision about the marriage. And frankly get tested for stds, since there's been all kinds of lying going on. Not sure how that's the hurtful action in the mess.

 

The truth will always be a better answer than all the pretty lies. Always.

[Cyra]

Telling the obs allows him/her to make an informed decision about the marriage.

 

I see the reasoning but it is not the BS's responsibility to do this. Why would she/he care about the OBS? The only way she would do that would be out of spite and with intention to hurt the OP.

[elaine567]

I see the reasoning but it is not the BS's responsibility to do this. Why would she/he care about the OBS? The only way she would do that would be out of spite and with intention to hurt the OP.

 

Not necessarily, some BSs find great comfort in talking to the OBS, as both are having to face the same trauma in their marriage, and they can compare notes too.